Discussion How to deal with being (feeling) left out by friends/family?

[raindrops]

Surely many of us had dealt with being left out or at least feeling left out some when in our lives. I say "dealt" because I wonder if anyone here ever did get over that feeling, that thought knowing you were excluded from some event or just something?

Yet it seems so silly to say "you left me out"
because to me it does sound like playground talk. You imagine only children acting so cruel, awkward & ignorant, that's the playground.
...but I truly believe in adulthood being 'left out' becomes more prevalent. More serious, in some ways more hurtful.
Children are unaware, their ignorance is through immaturity. In my personal opinion, adults know full well what they're doing.

We see it in the workplace, in family, events, even on social media.

I've experienced it in all above and actually I've never mentioned it to any of them who did leave me out of certain things.
At my age it seems ridiculous to bring it up, then in my mind I think oh stop acting like a child. Is it childish? I can feel so petty at times but what is petty about wanting to be included?

Personality comes into question, I understand that. People hang out with who they like, after all. But what about when you have literally done no wrong and you're left out, with no apparent reason. That to me is the cruelest and to leave someone so confused, unfair.


*edit* Here's why I'm so distraught, and it's so small and so big to me

Friends daughter gets the job she wanted, my friend posted a fb status about her daughter getting the job. I was the 2nd to comment saying well done, proud, all of that good stuff,

My partner comments well done - she replies to him, gives a react and replies to every other congratulations apart from mine.
Okay she did love react but no reply, a reply to everyone else but me. We don't even speak regularly so there is no reason.

Excuse me for being so pathetic here.
I'm genuinely sad af.

 

[Achlys]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, nor do I think you're pathetic.

I would try to read less into reactions and responses, especially on social media—they're fickle things. Much can be explained away by forgetfulness or ignorance.

However, supposing you were indeed excluded out of malice, that should inform you just how little you mean to them. It hurts, I'm sure. But why seek the company or approval of those who think so poorly of you? If such a person later went on to invite me, I would reject it. If nothing else, I'd decline out of spite.

I know this likely won't help. I've experienced exclusion as well, and even as I've tried to rationalize the pain away, it sometimes lingers against my wishes.

 

[Cosmic dust]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, nor do I think you're pathetic.

I would try to read less into reactions and responses, especially on social media—they're fickle things. Much can be explained away by forgetfulness or ignorance.

However, supposing you were indeed excluded out of malice, that should inform you just how little you mean to them. It hurts, I'm sure. But why seek the company or approval of those who think so poorly of you? If such a person later went on to invite me, I would reject it. If nothing else, I'd decline out of spite.

I know this likely won't help. I've experienced exclusion as well, and even as I've tried to rationalize the pain away, it sometimes lingers against my wishes.

You are right, we should not care about people like that, but there are a few points worth nothing, lets desconstruct it:

1- we are capable of liking and loving people, even when we know they don't feel the same way.

2 - some of us are very lonely, that makes us crave human contact, be more sensitive and vulnerable.

3 - Sometimes what hurt us is not the thing itself (in this case the people, the rejection and the exclusion), but what the thing symbolizes. Not being invited by our peers for something, can pass the idea that we have less value, that we never going to have the same opportunities to achieve certain objectives (professional contacts, romantics relationships and others) and that life is unfair and we got the worst end of it.

In order to deal with being left out, I believe is necessary to work on these point, especially 2 and 3, but don't ask me how, I still suffer from it on a weekly basis.

 

[timf]

In a consumer society self is elevated. Thia can result in most people sort of self-promoting and in competition for attention.

Those who seek out others who are sort of "on the fringe" are pretty rare. You might find that if you seek out others who are left out, you might find someone who can reciprocate. You can drive yourself nuts waiting for most to recognize or appreciate you. In a way, being ignored by the unappreciative can have an upside.

In group dynamics you can be lionized, ignored, or persecuted. Sometimes being ignored is not so bad. Even perfunctory courtesy and civility seem to be rapidly disappearing. If you can find even one other person who can be appreciative, you are doing pretty good.

 

[Cosmic dust]

You can drive yourself nuts waiting for most to recognize or appreciate you. In a way, being ignored by the unappreciative can have an upside.

Sometimes I drive myself nuts waiting for someone to appreciate me, because I am being ignored.

The real bliss would be able to truly enjoy my own company, without the need for attention or anyone else.

 

[Achlys]

You are right, we should not care about people like that, but there are a few points worth nothing, lets desconstruct it:

1- we are capable of liking and loving people, even when we know they don't feel the same way.

2 - some of us are very lonely, that makes us crave human contact, be more sensitive and vulnerable.

3 - Sometimes what hurt us is not the thing itself (in this case the people, the rejection and the exclusion), but what the thing symbolizes. Not being invited by our peers for something, can pass the idea that we have less value, that we never going to have the same opportunities to achieve certain objectives (professional contacts, romantics relationships and others) and that life is unfair and we got the worst end of it.

In order to deal with being left out, I believe is necessary to work on these point, especially 2 and 3, but don't ask me how, I still suffer from it on a weekly basis.

Thank you for putting into words what I could not. The reasons you listed are precisely why it can hurt so much even though I know it should not.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

In a consumer society self is elevated. Thia can result in most people sort of self-promoting and in competition for attention.

Those who seek out others who are sort of "on the fringe" are pretty rare. You might find that if you seek out others who are left out, you might find someone who can reciprocate. You can drive yourself nuts waiting for most to recognize or appreciate you. In a way, being ignored by the unappreciative can have an upside.

In group dynamics you can be lionized, ignored, or persecuted. Sometimes being ignored is not so bad. Even perfunctory courtesy and civility seem to be rapidly disappearing. If you can find even one other person who can be appreciative, you are doing pretty good.

Good post

 

[raindrops]

Thank you all for replying it means so much..

See that may be my issue - bad communication, I tend to lay off replying to friends and even my sisters.

I'm so introverted though, nothing malicious in my "ignorance" but I think they seem to think so.

Ah man c'mon she replies to every other person with a "thank you" except from my comment. Strange. Im so hurt by it and what's worse this woman helped me when my mother died, I was like a daughter to her and it seems so odd to be treated this way.

Que será, será....

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Thank you all for replying it means so much..

See that may be my issue - bad communication, I tend to lay off replying to friends and even my sisters.

I'm so introverted though, nothing malicious in my "ignorance" but I think they seem to think so.

Ah man c'mon she replies to every other person with a "thank you" except from my comment. Strange. Im so hurt by it and what's worse this woman helped me when my mother died, I was like a daughter to her and it seems so odd to be treated this way.

Que será, será....

I understand your frustration. People can be very unpredictable. I'm sorry you're going through something like that, I know the feeling. Take care. I wish you the best.

Boa expressão. Eu gosto também do carpe doem. És português ou espanhol?

 

[dethrowned]

Thank you all for replying it means so much..

See that may be my issue - bad communication, I tend to lay off replying to friends and even my sisters.

I'm so introverted though, nothing malicious in my "ignorance" but I think they seem to think so.

Ah man c'mon she replies to every other person with a "thank you" except from my comment. Strange. Im so hurt by it and what's worse this woman helped me when my mother died, I was like a daughter to her and it seems so odd to be treated this way.

Que será, será....

I can relate to desperate loneliness from people's intentional and unintentional actions, made worse by the claustrophobia of keeping it all inside. I rarely try to exclude anyone, but life is chaotic, and I make mistakes, particularly with groups.

There are techniques to help you assert yourself, which slowly gets easier with practice. I think the most critical is to keep your statements factual and describing your emotions, thinking, or state of mind. Leave out any judgments about either party: "You're hostile toward me" could become "When you responded to every other comment, I felt excluded."

If someone accuses you of making judgments or becoming emotional, you can remind that you're directly expressing your experience. Most people are sensitive to that, and while I still flinch waiting for the other person's response, I've found suspecting someone of hating me is worse than knowing.