Help How to ctb with minimal trauma to kids and partner?

[tiredone]

I am constantly fighting with myself about when and how to ctb. I have 2 kids - teenage and 10yo, and a partner (who lost dad to ctb). I constantly feel like ending myself but what keeps me going is how badly i will hurt them. I cannot leave and go to hotel or for a trip as i baerly leave home, so they would freak out and try to locate me. I should get SN soon, but dont have any meds to go with it (only propranolol). Considering NN but very little luck or time to practice with it. Dont know what to do and i am lost with all this.
I am miserable, sad, angry and feel so broken and torn inside. I am begging whatever forces there are in the universe to let me not wake up everyday, but as we know this does not work. Its more of a vent than help post i guess. I am just tired of myself and living in constant anxiety and depression, not knowing what to do while being totally overwhelemed whenever i try to think what to do and change in my life.
I would appreciate any ideas how to ctb with minimal damage to them. I know its almost impossible, but even thinking about it makes me want to ctb and just be gone. I am worried that because of them i might not go through with it leaving me in this limbo of internal suffering, which is occasionally broken by my younger one - in these small moments i feel the love and it hurts even more because of it (if that makes sense). Teenager has moments too but they are different and i am worried she might follow with ctb after me. Its a effed up situation and i dont know what to do. I just feel like crawling inside myself and dissappearing into void.

 

[bipolar22]

you created live. you will hurt your children by killing yourself. you understand how you create suffering? so now we help you to hurt your kids so YOU wont suffer?
funny.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

There's a huge difference between having your CTB underlie their entire experience growing up and doing it when they're older and more mature and have more of a basis to understand your action. I can't imagine though what it's like to feel the way you do and still have the kinds of responsibilities you do. But I have no.doubt it's a very difficult position to be in. Are you in any kind of treatment for your depression and anxiety?

 

[tiredone]

There's a huge difference between having your CTB underlie their entire experience growing up and doing it when they're older and more mature and have more of a basis to understand your action. I can't imagine though what it's like to feel the way you do and still have the kinds of responsibilities you do. But I have no.doubt it's a very difficult position to be in. Are you in any kind of treatment for your depression and anxiety?

Been in treatment and on meds past 4 years. Had all my side of family die out par my dad in last 5 years. Been changing meds about 6 or 7 times - not sure myself. Lost job due to anxiety and deppression. Insomnia and agoraphobia do not help. Fighting to be for them the best i can, but i feel i am loosing this war. No friends, no family, no support. I know i am horrible person even considering all that, but that actually makes me feel like they will be better off without me, as i feel more of a burden than parent and partner.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess all that anyone can really do for those left behind is to write notes so there is at least some kind of explanation for them and it may give them some form of understanding as to what you went through and how much you have suffered. But it does sound like a difficult situation to be in and it does sound so exhausting what you have to endure, your wish to never wake again certainly is understandable. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[sincerelysad]

this sounds so terrible. i'm so sorry you're going though this, and i offer my support and empathy. i can't imagine how you feel.

 

[lost_soul83]

I can definitely empathize. I have a 20 year old son that has severe disabilities and I have lost all hope that he will have a good adult life. I want to die so badly. I feel like everything is my fault and I have no hope, but I love my son, dog and SO so very much. I don't know what to do either. Life sucks.

 

[bipolar22]

yeah all bs. ppl be like this. all full of shit. so you see how fuckers leave. cheers

yeah all bs. ppl be like this. all full of shit. so you see how fuckers leave. cheers

yup. even on here shit is fucked. cant say shit without getting banned so yup. doesn't matter. no hope for this brainwashed slave planed. enjoy :D.

 

[SwissSuicideLady]

I don't have a partner or kids, and I don't give a shit about my so called parents, but, honestly, I don't think this will be possible without a trauma

 

[bipolar22]

why all the angry stuff. sad slaves fucking ppl in the world to make them feel less sad and then wanna die?

 

[LittleJem]

I saw my nieces at Christmas time for the first time in ages and I didn't want to fall in love with them because I have been so miserable and decided to CTB. So I can begin to imagine just a little the hell you must be in as a parent with depression and suicidal thoughts. It must be so hard.

Saying that, I think you should aim to try more things before CTB. Particularly psilocybin. Psilocybin for depression is being researched- e.g. microdosing and is getting good results. But I would also recommend a bigger dose along with music soundtrack. The research I read today gave better results for bigger doses. I have personally had four days off suicidal thoughts so far thanks to LSD. I was literally about to buy a rope. Look up Ayelet Waldman, a writer and mother who treated her depression with LSD.

If weed is okay for you and doesn't add to your anxiety it is great for insomnia and can help with anxiety and depression.

It is also worth trying Tramadol if you can get it. One pill the other day turned me from a sobbing, exhausted mess to someone that could function. It can be addictive, but I personally use it when I need to be functional, so not every day. It gets 9 out of 10 for treatment resistant depression on drugs.com

Im not a pro-lifer by any means, I just think that ideally you will try more things before making a decision. I know a few people who lost parents to suicide.

I am currently living in a crack den (!) and one of the addicts there lost his father to suicide. I am inclined to say that you'd be better off trying even cocaine than CTB. Though not as a first option. Though it is pricey. Freud used cocaine for depression. Look up also self-dosing ketamine for depression on Reddit.

Did they try you on Olanzapine plus Fluoextine yet? That's the combo they are recommending for me and it does get good reviews. I decided to keep trying the LSD for a few more weeks before trying the Olanzapine, but the reviews for this combo give 9 out of 10.

Some people get relief also with Lamotrigine so that could be another one to try.

The other option is ECT. One suicidal mother I know is feeling somewhat better after ECT.

I do know that even one more day alive is torture with depression. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm suggesting psilocybin as it can be helpful straightaway. Perhaps anything that gives you quick relief could be used as a handle to keep some hope. While in the studies it is administered with therapy, if you try it yourself then a music playlist and a phone call to the Samaritans could give some support.

Understanding the Basics of Depression

WebMD's guide to the types and prevalence of depression.

www.webmd.com

You are really brave and strong for keeping going for so long with this suffering and I hope you find something that helps you.

 

[tiredone]

I saw my nieces at Christmas time for the first time in ages and I didn't want to fall in love with them because I have been so miserable and decided to CTB. So I can begin to imagine just a little the hell you must be in as a parent with depression and suicidal thoughts. It must be so hard.

Saying that, I think you should aim to try more things before CTB. Particularly psilocybin. Psilocybin for depression is being researched- e.g. microdosing and is getting good results. But I would also recommend a bigger dose along with music soundtrack. The research I read today gave better results for bigger doses. I have personally had four days off suicidal thoughts so far thanks to LSD. I was literally about to buy a rope. Look up Ayelet Waldman, a writer and mother who treated her depression with LSD.

If weed is okay for you and doesn't add to your anxiety it is great for insomnia and can help with anxiety and depression.

It is also worth trying Tramadol if you can get it. One pill the other day turned me from a sobbing, exhausted mess to someone that could function. It can be addictive, but I personally use it when I need to be functional, so not every day. It gets 9 out of 10 for treatment resistant depression on drugs.com

Im not a pro-lifer by any means, I just think that ideally you will try more things before making a decision. I know a few people who lost parents to suicide.

I am currently living in a crack den (!) and one of the addicts there lost his father to suicide. I am inclined to say that you'd be better off trying even cocaine than CTB. Though not as a first option. Though it is pricey. Freud used cocaine for depression. Look up also self-dosing ketamine for depression on Reddit.

Did they try you on Olanzapine plus Fluoextine yet? That's the combo they are recommending for me and it does get good reviews. I decided to keep trying the LSD for a few more weeks before trying the Olanzapine, but the reviews for this combo give 9 out of 10.

Some people get relief also with Lamotrigine so that could be another one to try.

The other option is ECT. One suicidal mother I know is feeling somewhat better after ECT.

I do know that even one more day alive is torture with depression. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm suggesting psilocybin as it can be helpful straightaway. Perhaps anything that gives you quick relief could be used as a handle to keep some hope. While in the studies it is administered with therapy, if you try it yourself then a music playlist and a phone call to the Samaritans could give some support.

Understanding the Basics of Depression

WebMD's guide to the types and prevalence of depression.

www.webmd.com

You are really brave and strong for keeping going for so long with this suffering and I hope you find something that helps you.

Tried fluoxitine. Didnt help. I dont drink or do drugs - i did weed but it does not help, just makes everything worse. I dont have any contacts to try street drugs. Doctors are not very reluctant to keep changing meds. ECT - not letting that happen - i will more likely ctb then. Thank you for all advice. Will look into it.

 

[LittleJem]

This is a good article I just found. https://www.newsweek.com/depression...cybin-therapy-trial-kirk-rutter-1660581?amp=1

He did have a therapist with him but his actual trip was with music. On headphones is best.

 

[aiko333]

I feel much the same. I feel awful having created relationships with others who will now be in pain if I go.

 

[spoiledsick]

i am in a similar situation, with kids around the same age as yours. unfortunately, i have come to the conclusion that there is no way to minimize the trauma. you either find a way to live with the burden of it yourself, or you die and pass the pain on to them.

have you talked to your kids openly about your depression and anxiety? maybe my approach is unpopular, but i do speak with my kids about those feelings, because they are normal, and everyone goes through them. i explained how sometimes, like with many other illnesses, the person cannot get better no matter how many doctors they see, how much medicine they take. i explained how in some places of the world, when someone is too mentally or physically sick, there are medicines and doctors available to end the person's life peacefully, so they are not in pain anymore. i expressed my wish that if this option were available to me now, or had been earlier, i would have taken the opportunity and passed away peacefully already.

they do not need to know all the details of my trauma, what lead me to this, but the narrative around suicide needs to change on a societal scale if we are ever to see equal access to assisted suicide, and i am trying to break the stigma around it, even if that is just by being open about mental health with my own children.

other than that, i try my best every day of their lives to let them know how loved and wanted they are in this world. it is not their fault at all for the way i feel, and if anything, they have been the only bright spot in a lifetime of pain and suffering.

sometimes there is nothing anyone can do to save someone else. it's not even anyone's responsibility. people like to act like heroes these days, and it's less about helping the other person, and more about helping their own ego. the most kind and compassionate thing someone could do is help put those who are suffering out of their misery, in accordance to the suffering party's wishes. that is the world i hope for in the future.

of course, i do not want my children or anyone else to suffer, but by bringing them into this world, they inevitably will. (we all already have.) i think it's fair that everyone be given the option, know that there is a safe and peaceful way out. ideally, there would be more safeguards/social safety nets in place to ease people's pain while they are alive, but realistically, there will always be outliers like ourselves who are in endless pain no matter what, and in that case, it's only right that we can go as we choose.

sorry this isn't super coherent and i'm just rambling a lot, but these are my thoughts from a similar headspace as yours. wishing you peace, whatever decision you choose.

 

[tiredone]

i am in a similar situation, with kids around the same age as yours. unfortunately, i have come to the conclusion that there is no way to minimize the trauma. you either find a way to live with the burden of it yourself, or you die and pass the pain on to them.

have you talked to your kids openly about your depression and anxiety? maybe my approach is unpopular, but i do speak with my kids about those feelings, because they are normal, and everyone goes through them. i explained how sometimes, like with many other illnesses, the person cannot get better no matter how many doctors they see, how much medicine they take. i explained how in some places of the world, when someone is too mentally or physically sick, there are medicines and doctors available to end the person's life peacefully, so they are not in pain anymore. i expressed my wish that if this option were available to me now, or had been earlier, i would have taken the opportunity and passed away peacefully already.

they do not need to know all the details of my trauma, what lead me to this, but the narrative around suicide needs to change on a societal scale if we are ever to see equal access to assisted suicide, and i am trying to break the stigma around it, even if that is just by being open about mental health with my own children.

other than that, i try my best every day of their lives to let them know how loved and wanted they are in this world. it is not their fault at all for the way i feel, and if anything, they have been the only bright spot in a lifetime of pain and suffering.

sometimes there is nothing anyone can do to save someone else. it's not even anyone's responsibility. people like to act like heroes these days, and it's less about helping the other person, and more about helping their own ego. the most kind and compassionate thing someone could do is help put those who are suffering out of their misery, in accordance to the suffering party's wishes. that is the world i hope for in the future.

of course, i do not want my children or anyone else to suffer, but by bringing them into this world, they inevitably will. (we all already have.) i think it's fair that everyone be given the option, know that there is a safe and peaceful way out. ideally, there would be more safeguards/social safety nets in place to ease people's pain while they are alive, but realistically, there will always be outliers like ourselves who are in endless pain no matter what, and in that case, it's only right that we can go as we choose.

sorry this isn't super coherent and i'm just rambling a lot, but these are my thoughts from a similar headspace as yours. wishing you peace, whatever decision you choose.

Thank you. You made me tearful( i have not been in a long while - you broke something in me with this). This gives perspective and i am cosidering adapting similar approach as yours.

 

[Bunnybrains]

This is a really old thread so dont wanna dread it up- but before i gp im gpnna try and buy a few birthday presents +cards ans see if i cant get them delivered to my partner and/or mom for a few years after im gone. They deserve happy things and a little more of me after im gone. Maybe something to consider if anyone sees this and has loved ones u want to get to celebrate with even if ur gone

 

[tiredone]

This is a really old thread so dont wanna dread it up- but before i gp im gpnna try and buy a few birthday presents +cards ans see if i cant get them delivered to my partner and/or mom for a few years after im gone. They deserve happy things and a little more of me after im gone. Maybe something to consider if anyone sees this and has loved ones u want to get to celebrate with even if ur gone

That is really good idea. And keeping thread alive is good as others in similar situation might find it helpful.