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Have_a_nice_Life

Have_a_nice_Life

Member
Feb 22, 2024
49
Everything is so confusing.

How to describe what you're feeling to someone else. My mood brutally shifts every hours. It's like a new person takes control everytime forgetting the hardships of the previous one. My pain is elusive, it's complex, i don't know for the most part why i'm in such pain.

I have MDD but how therapy could even help me if my mood depends on chemicals rather than logic. I can't argue with my feelings, as much as i try to find logic and to dig for answers, the answers altough true don't help me shut down the pain.

The pain is just here and cannot be shut down as if it was a real pain from a physical affliction.

How can you use logic to calm down pain from an open wound ? You simply can't, and that's the same with depression.



My brain needs to be fixed, not my mind.

But then how to get help, how to explain. I write down everything down to the most minute detail. My brain is always overwhelmed by thoughts to the point where i cannot function (a.k.a ruminations).



Everything is so confusing, there is no answer no precise source (even if there's probably multiple).

Everything merges together in my brain leaving only a pile of mush.



weird. can't describe what i'm feeling anymore.

Can't bear to live but too scared to die.

I've lost hope in everything. motionless state.

I don't know what i'm feeling.

I feel pain but it's quieter, underlying but yet i can't enjoy anything of course music nor videos nor whatever.

I'm stuck in my brain, ruminations control me.

Maybe i fried my brain.

Can't feel anything anymore.(anhedonia)

Depression is the inability to feel anything anymore.

Yet i felt intense pain before (days ago for a span of several months) , now i'm adrift. I still can't get out of bed / can't eat / can't enjoy / feel useless.

It's just so weird, i have everything ready to ctb in my perfectly arranged box. Suicide is still on my mind. But the intense pain i felt has gone quieter and has been substituted by this motionless / comatose state.



Those mood swings have been the culprit of my guilt, of my never ending quest for truth. Everytime the pain slightly subsides i feel like a fraud again like all of this never happened. I forget everything, my mental state entierly changes.





How can i describe what i feel if it changes everyday. If i can't trust what i feel. I'm in a comatose state. I just don't feel anything except a slight pain.



I just keep thinking thinking all the time until i get lost in my thoughts i don't know what's true or false anymore, what's real or fake. I've lost touch with who i am, who are the persons i know, what i want.MY grip on reality is gone. I'm in a motionless state. In stasis, adrift in space. My mind won't shut up.



My point is that i want to get better but i don't know how. I'm soon going to be accepted into a psy-ward. Because until Yesterday i wanted to kill myself until i tried and have been confrontes with the intense fear of death. So now i'm lost. I don't even know what i expect from my stay there.

But i wanna try to make the best of it, so how can i communicate what i'm feeling if it's so confusing / complex/ ever-changing even if i wrote down EVRYTHING on a daily basis.



Is it normal ? Do you relate ? Do you feel confused and struggle to express what's troubling you ? Do you feel guilt for not advancing, for not knowing all the time, for not having it figured out ? Do you feel like a fraud because you want to advance but nothing changes ? Because your issues seem to be intangible. Because normal people move on easely and you, you're stuck and you don't know why, you feel inadequate, too sensitive, like you're just lazy even thought the pain makes you want to kill yourself and you've done everything in that regard.

Do you still feel illegitimate ? Because you can't always explain why you feel like this ?







Not as much pain yet i still have suicide on my mind. Everything is so conf

using
 
Z

zeecen

Member
Mar 30, 2024
35
I feel like you explained pretty well.
1) Your mood shifts rapidly
2) You're experiencing extremely debilitating and racing thoughts

Psych wards are different depending on the place tbh so idk how well my experiences would apply in your case. It's usually hit or miss with quality, though. Typically you will get a chance to meet with a therapist and a psychiatrist. Tell them everything you just told us and ask them about medication.

I think your thoughts on this are absolutely right and that therapy probably wouldn't be able to provide sufficient relief rn. I believe this because what you're describing is eerily similar to how I used to feel before finding a medication regiment that worked for me. Back then I had already spent most of my life in therapy so the only missing piece was the brain chemistry, which medication was eventually able to address. I don't think your brain is fried or broken in any way, but if you're worried about any medical issues like damage to your brain I'd also let the ppl at the psych ward know.
 
Have_a_nice_Life

Have_a_nice_Life

Member
Feb 22, 2024
49
I feel like you explained pretty well.
1) Your mood shifts rapidly
2) You're experiencing extremely debilitating and racing thoughts

Psych wards are different depending on the place tbh so idk how well my experiences would apply in your case. It's usually hit or miss with quality, though. Typically you will get a chance to meet with a therapist and a psychiatrist. Tell them everything you just told us and ask them about medication.

I think your thoughts on this are absolutely right and that therapy probably wouldn't be able to provide sufficient relief rn. I believe this because what you're describing is eerily similar to how I used to feel before finding a medication regiment that worked for me. Back then I had already spent most of my life in therapy so the only missing piece was the brain chemistry, which medication was eventually able to address. I don't think your brain is fried or broken in any way, but if you're worried about any medical issues like damage to your brain I'd also let the ppl at the psych ward know.

Thanks your answer is really reasuring. I was indeed trying to find people dealing with depression to relate to my experience so i don't feel like i'm crazy / too sensitive / bitching / inadequate.
 
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Z

zeecen

Member
Mar 30, 2024
35
Thanks your answer is really reasuring. I was indeed trying to find people dealing with depression to relate to my experience so i don't feel like i'm crazy / too sensitive / bitching / inadequate.
Yes, don't worry your feelings are valid. A lot of people in life sometimes don't understand this stuff so it's natural to feel doubtful. You're definitely not crazy. Think of it like having something that requires medical treatment.

If most ppl break a bone then they go to the doctor's and get treatment. It is the same with this kind of stuff. Going through what you're going through is not easy. But make sure to advocate for yourself always. If you make the choice to try medication then you may not like or benefit from everything they suggest. Always let them know how you're feeling and trust yourself. Some psychiatrists and therapists are incompetent as well so it's important to work with people you get along with.
 
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Yarani

Yarani

the only constant is change.
Mar 29, 2024
92
Agree with @zeecen both times

Can you put this into a word document and print it out? Also, consider if you wish to modify the suicide mentions, esp. the mention that your preparations are ready and available.

Reading it, it feels like ... vulnerability, chaos made of storm and emptiness, pierced with sharp glass pieces, being lost in it, can't see clearly in it.

Did I understand correctly that so far it has been therapy and no medication?
 
Have_a_nice_Life

Have_a_nice_Life

Member
Feb 22, 2024
49
Agree with @zeecen both times

Can you put this into a word document and print it out? Also, consider if you wish to modify the suicide mentions, esp. the mention that your preparations are ready and available.

Reading it, it feels like ... vulnerability, chaos made of storm and emptiness, pierced with sharp glass pieces, being lost in it, can't see clearly in it.

Did I understand correctly that so far it has been therapy and no medication?
Hi thanks again for answering means a lot to me.
Should i print my journals or my post or this thread's first answer ?
Because there's so much more than what i just said at first. Here i was just adressing the feeling of confusion and guilt linked to those mood swings .

I have been in therapy and under medication also. 3 separate medications , paroxetine , duloxetine and Vortioxetine wich i am currently on.
None of those worked but maybe another will. I will try to request spravato also wich is a ketamine infused spray.
Like i said i wish my brain to be fixed because it's only when my brain decides to produce some good chemicals that i feel good and no amount of logic can prevail on my raging emotions. I can feel like the world is crumbling and i'm gonna die and the next second i'll feel like everything's alright and my vision of the world fundamentaly changes just because of some good neurotransmiters . Depression is not about logic or facts, it's purely chemically driven at least for me i think.
Of course i have aggravating factors but i can't affect them in anyways so i have to fix my brain so it can learn to be content with what i have.
Yes, don't worry your feelings are valid. A lot of people in life sometimes don't understand this stuff so it's natural to feel doubtful. You're definitely not crazy. Think of it like having something that requires medical treatment.

If most ppl break a bone then they go to the doctor's and get treatment. It is the same with this kind of stuff. Going through what you're going through is not easy. But make sure to advocate for yourself always. If you make the choice to try medication then you may not like or benefit from everything they suggest. Always let them know how you're feeling and trust yourself. Some psychiatrists and therapists are incompetent as well so it's important to work with people you get along with.

I am acquainted with therapists and know they can be incomptent and downright mean. But my choice to get into a psy-ward ensues from a 3 months long suicidal crisis only stopped by my SI. I'm stuck between fear of death and unbearable pain and torments. Thus i can't function, can't get out of bed nor eat. I hope the psy-ward could get me back in track.
Of course i don't want to die, I only wish for the pain to stop.
The pain has maybe a bit subsided since the past days allowing me to lay in bed without feeling atrocious mental anguish. But i still can't function , can't entertain myself and can't do anything but ruminate.
I'm stuck in this twilight zone , in this in-between .

I guess i'm just hoping for a miracle with the psy-ward
 
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Yarani

Yarani

the only constant is change.
Mar 29, 2024
92
I would consider printing your first posting, and the first answer if @zeecen is okay with it. Obviously, just the text, no names, URLs or any other identifying things.

The journals ... I'm absolutely sure of their value! But, depending on how many and how big/thick they are, the staff will probably not be able to read it all. Maybe, in addition to the posting, a few recent journal entries? For example where the mood shifts happening is documented.

Can you get a summary written by the therapist, to show to the staff? Could also be of value.

To me, it feels like quieting that racing mind and emotions would help. I, too, would be confused by so many things and pain running around in my head.

Try to be open, ask questions when things aren't clear or worrying to you. It's about YOU and your need to understand and participate in decisions where possible. When you think you're being misunderstood, adress it. You are the client. They aren't gods. They are offering services to help you. At least that's how it's supposed to be, so encourage it.
= my own personal conclusions.

I wish you a productive stay at the ward. Hope to read how it goes.
 
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