How to Comfort and Support People Who Suffer

[elder7654sanc]

As a new member, for my first (tentative) post, I would like to share this Op-Ed piece that resonated with me. Since this group aims to support people in whatever their life decisions may be, IMHO it is useful to explore ways to conduct a productive and respectful dialogue with them.

Opinion | What Do You Say to the Sufferer? (Published 2021)

An attempt to be present with a stranger in pain.

www.nytimes.com

 

[Smart No More]

You nees a subscription to view. Maybe you can copy paste it here.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It was only until recently that I understood how to have a conversation with people who are in a dark place like this… Before I was mortally depressed myself, I was always trying to find "solutions" for people in trouble… And I was always frustrated because they didn't seem like they wanted solutions… I didn't realize These people, including a very depressed girlfriend I had for a couple years, wanted to be heard and understood… They wanted connection… They were lonely and isolated and frightened… And badgering them with "solutions" was the worst possible response…

 

[Smart No More]

It was only until recently that I understood how to have a conversation with people who are in a dark place like this… Before I was mortally depressed myself, I was always trying to find "solutions" for people in trouble… And I was always frustrated because they didn't seem like they wanted solutions… I didn't realize These people, including a very depressed girlfriend I had for a couple years, wanted to be heard and understood… They wanted connection… They were lonely and isolated and frightened… And badgering them with "solutions" was the worst possible response…

That is SO SO true! It's massively overlooked and that statement, though simple is something that needs to be heard and understood in all walks of life and even more so in the medical community.

'they not only want but NEED to "be heard and understood". "they want a connection" and need it!!

I would add that in not adhearing to this basic need is counterproductive and highly deteimental to the health of patients because you alienate them even further when you don't give them time to respone and listen and care to hear what they're telling you. The one size fits all approach is failing us immensely. The way it goes now is that you're rushed through consultations and never kept informed or in the loop of their thought process so you always feel like you're not believed or heard. Bedside manner is a thing of the past and now you're just an inconveinience taking up time and resources and the person sitting opposite you is just trying to get through their working day as they're trapped in an over worked under paid job in many cases. The exception to that rule is when the job is well paid and the professional sitting opposite got into the job for the money (often due to family pressure) and isn't emotionally invested in you or your treatment.

"The emporer has no clothes on"!

 

[D&D]

It was only until recently that I understood how to have a conversation with people who are in a dark place like this… Before I was mortally depressed myself, I was always trying to find "solutions" for people in trouble… And I was always frustrated because they didn't seem like they wanted solutions… I didn't realize These people, including a very depressed girlfriend I had for a couple years, wanted to be heard and understood… They wanted connection… They were lonely and isolated and frightened… And badgering them with "solutions" was the worst possible response…

This is exactly what I found ... but also only after becoming 'mortally depressed myself.' Too late.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Before I was mortally depressed myself, I was always trying to find "solutions" for people in trouble…

I used to be guilty of that sin, but after more than a decade of severe illness, I learned to never give advice to anyone. And I turn a deaf ear to those who want to offer me solutions to problems they cannot begin to comprehend.

 

[Smart No More]

I used to be guilty of that sin, but after more than a decade of severe illness, I learned to never give advice to anyone. And I turn a deaf ear to those who want to offer me solutions to problems they cannot begin to comprehend.

Out of interest, would you welcome somebody's genuine interest in trying to comprehend your problems? Whether they were to offer advice or not.

 

[Callie Arcale]

Out of interest, would you welcome somebody's genuine interest in trying to comprehend your problems? Whether they were to offer advice or not.

My experience has taughts me that no one cares and no one can understand. And when I say "no one", I'm including myself as well. We are all strangers, we pass by each other like ships in the night.

 

[Smart No More]

My experience has taughts me that no one cares and no one can understand. And when I say "no one", I'm including myself as well. We are all strangers, we pass by each other like ships in the night.

I have to respectfully disagree in so much as somebody could care. However if you don't understand yourself then maybe the key to your issue is out of reach. But maybe not. I'm familiar with the sentiment of ships passing in the night and it's certainly true of the majority but its not a hard and fast rule. Some do possess the capacity and inclination to surprise you. Rare as hens teeth though.

My question still stands should you feel inclined to answer. I'm sensing a barrier. I get that. I won't push. I just relate to your predicament as I currently understand it, for whatever that's worth.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I have to respectfully disagree in so much as somebody could care. However if you don't understand yourself then maybe the key to your issue is out of reach. But maybe not. I'm familiar with the sentiment of ships passing in the night and it's certainly true of the majority but its not a hard and fast rule. Some do possess the capacity and inclination to surprise you. Rare as hens teeth though.

My question still stands should you feel inclined to answer. I'm sensing a barrier. I get that. I won't push. I just relate to your predicament as I currently understand it, for whatever that's worth.

Thank you for your kind reply @Smart No More Tonight I am not feeling well, but I will try to write an answer tomorrow.

 

[Smart No More]

Thank you for your kind reply @Smart No More Tonight I am not feeling well, but I will try to write an answer tomorrow.

There's really no pressure. I guess I was trying to engage with you but I don't want to do so at the expense of your wellbeing. I'm dealing with something comparative to your condition and I know that there are times I just can't go there. More often than not in fact. I can't even put it in writing, so I get it. At least I think I do. Probably shouldn't make assumptions. But I have an inclination. Be well, where and when you can. : )