how to come back from this mindset

[bjop]

Hello. This is a thread i posted earlier in the suicide discussion where i was nicely adviced to rather ask about it in the recovery section. I hope it's appropriate and not too negative for this section which i don't know a lot about yet. I'm sorry for any inconvenience.



Hi, this might be a dumb question, already asked or without any answer. Maybe i'm just looking to see if anyone shares this frustrating realization i've had these last few years.

Anytime i've been seriously considering and trying to recover i've always hit the same wall. How do you forget about suicide? How do you erase this automatic thinking that it doesn't really matter if you can get better anyway because, by being dead, you wouldn't even exist to contemplate the fact that you could've gotten better? (i do believe that there is absolutely nothing after death, no reincarnation, no heaven, no conservation of the soul or conscience: just non existence)

Even when i want to believe people telling me that things can get better, that with just a bit of effort and will to live from my part i could do something with my life, maybe even be happy who knows, i find myself not really wanting to try. Cause what's the point? There is relief in the idea that i wouldn't even have to ask myself all these questions if i was just dead. I wouldn't even be able to regret my decision. I simply wouldn't be. The certainty of death and the absence of consequences just completely eradicates the want to live a happy life, that isn't even determined.

Has anyone ever find a way to overcome this habit of the mind, a way to forget all about this mental reflex and go back to a time where the easiest answer to every single issue or decisions in life wasn't suicide? Or do other people find themselves stuck in the same mindset?

I know i'm probably asking for the impossible, and even if there was actually something that could be done, the same reflex would probably just outdo it. Why change to be able to get better when simply killing myself would "fix" everything, meaning i would'nt have to deal with anything. Don't know if i'm too pessimistic or too lazy, or probably both haha

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope your day is going as good as it can go.

 

[lukas19]

I'm stuck in the 'suicide' mindset for years

 

[SoftWorries]

Recently I've been trying to separate my emotions based on the four temperments. So when I'm suicidal I can say 'I'm Melancholic now'.

Strangely enough it's been helping. I've been able to listen to audiobooks instead of staring into space for every moment I have.

This is the only way I've found for being able to observe changes in my emotions.

 

[aitouka]

I am stuck in the same mindset as you. But according to logical thinking, I think the key is to find a big enough incentive in life so that living feels more worth it than dying, just for that incentive. Could be your dreams, a person, simple things such as food or whatever. The key is to make everything in the world an incentive to live. Which is terribly difficult and I don't think I can do this yet as well.

 

[LittleJem]

i don't think this is a mindset. It could be called an illness in that it isn't a healthy resilient mind, but a mindset implies personal responsibility and also blame.

Saying that, today I am waking uo without my usual suicidal thoughts snd crying. The reason is currently Lithium. Which I'm combing with St John's Wort. I am taking St John's Wort at 900 mg AM and 900 mg PM (which is a very high dose) and Lithium Carbonate at 250 mg a day (a low dose of Lithium). Er plus zinc and B vitamins as research says this boosts anti-depressants. The Lithium has been added for three ir four days and that is the thing working against the suicidal thoughts. The SJW is giving me more energy and more ability to get out of bed.

Lithium is known to be anti-suicide. I get mine from an online site, it's not my prescription. You can also get Lithium Orotate which is non prescription lithium.

This is me dodging my prescription of olanzapine/fluoxetine for now…

I have solid suicidal thoughts all day every day so this morning it's a result to not be in such anguish. I don't know if/how long this relief will last but it's a huge relief even today. I'm not happy or laughing but if I am like this I can bear to live.

My depression is less severe also since therapeutic use of LSD. Before that I was off to buy a rope.

If anyone tries this…please check contraindications, side effects and any wash out periods needed for any meds.

 

[Abandoned Character]

What I relate to most in this post is when you say "the certainty of death and the absence of consequences just completely eradicates the want to live a happy life." It's not that I inherently want to die, it's that I don't want to be responsible for anything.

This "lethargy" in its extremes makes me day dream suicide, for what is suicide if not an ultimate abdication of responsibility? The consequence of wanting to live without consequence.

Whether that lethargy is a symptom of an undiagnosed mental illness, or an innate unwillingness to put in effort, I do not yet know.

 

[LittleJem]

sorry I spoke too soon. The suicidal thoughts came back again this AM. I need to give this regime more time.

 

[bjop]

Thank you for all of your replies. I really appreciate reading your thoughts and how some of you can relate. I'm not that surprised about it, but it still feels nice to actually feel less alone with those ruminations.

sorry I spoke too soon. The suicidal thoughts came back again this AM. I need to give this regime more time.

Thank you for your advice, i've never looked into Lithium and St John's Wort before. I seem to be pretty pharmacoresistant to the multiple antidepressants i've been prescribed until now so i'm in need to try new things. I'm sorry the suicidal thoughts came back this morning, i hope the rest of your day will be nicer to you and i hope your new regime will help over time!

 

[nosoul]

I am stuck in the same mindset as you. But according to logical thinking, I think the key is to find a big enough incentive in life so that living feels more worth it than dying, just for that incentive. Could be your dreams, a person, simple things such as food or whatever. The key is to make everything in the world an incentive to live. Which is terribly difficult and I don't think I can do this yet as well.

This is my issue though from a fried brain, my dreams are dashed especially because of my bpd. I don't enjoy my favorite foods. Can barely eat them, no joy in my day as I can't really feel emotions. I'm so sad and down, but more numb sad. Insomnia and lack of appetite has me already wasting away.

 

[aitouka]

This is my issue though from a fried brain, my dreams are dashed especially because of my bpd. I don't enjoy my favorite foods. Can barely eat them, no joy in my day as I can't really feel emotions. I'm so sad and down, but more numb sad. Insomnia and lack of appetite has me already wasting away.

I get it. That's why it's impossible to 'fix' before solving this. And solving this alone is difficult enough. I'm sorry.

 

[nosoul]

I get it. That's why it's impossible to 'fix' before solving this. And solving this alone is difficult enough. I'm sorry.

Thank you for understanding. It's hard either way to live or ctb. I was great at sleeping and at eating, but without those 2, feels like a slow death sentence

 

[itsallpointless]

Nowadays im stuck in the hard work mindset like. Oh? You have joint problems? ISOMETRICS etc etc. Of course you don't have to be a David goggins and push yourself over the edge but just a healthy nudge in the right direction couldn't ever hurt