How to actually take my N and overcome SI?

[EndIsNigh]

I have N (from D) and AEs, both of which I've had now for almost a year. I really want to take it within the next week(s), but I'm just terrified in case I botch it when survival instinct kicks in, by calling for help or who-knows what else. I can't stop mulling this all over in my mind.
Also, I can't decide on location - a hotel, Air B&B, the outdoors - I just can't bring myself to do it where I'll be discovered by someone known to me.
Realise this is probably my only (or best) chance, and I desperately want to do it.
Also I'm struggling hugely with the loneliness of having to be secretive. So far I've told one person in real life about my N (who is in a similar position) and a Samaritans call handler. I can't bring myself to tell anyone known to me. If I tell a professional, they will be obliged to act to 'keep me safe' (hate that expression) and probably seize it from me. If I tell family/a friend, they will either do the same, or then will feel so guilty when I eventually use it. I want to protect them from thinking that they could have somehow prevented it.
Please also, if anyone would like to chat, who is ideally in a similar position, I would love that. I have also posted in the Partners thread, and so apologies if reaching out here is a breach (please notify and I will edit if so.) I'm based in England, UK.

 

[Alex6216]

Breathe in for 5 seconds, out for 5 seconds. Breathe in for 6 then out for 6, breathe in for 7 seconds then out for 7 seconds, do this until you reach the number 10.
You can also do nothing fun for the entire day + the day before, anything gives you any sense of pleasure should be ignored so if going on the computer gives you joy dont even turn it on, if eating does it then dont even pick up any food, etc.
Also how much bottles do you have?

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you know when it is the right time to leave, I think that you cannot force these feelings. I believe that many people overcome the SI when they reach the point of desperation and the pain of living gets unbearable for them. Of course suicide can be very difficult as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive.

I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you. I wish that we lived in a world where suicide is not so stigmatised and our right to die is respected and people can be open about their plans to ctb. I can imagine that it must be really tiring having to deal with all the secrecy. I wish you relief from suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[EndIsNigh]

Breathe in for 5 seconds, out for 5 seconds. Breathe in for 6 then out for 6, breathe in for 7 seconds then out for 7 seconds, do this until you reach the number 10.
You can also do nothing fun for the entire day + the day before, anything gives you any sense of pleasure should be ignored so if going on the computer gives you joy dont even turn it on, if eating does it then dont even pick up any food, etc.
Also how much bottles do you have?

Thanks, appreciate the comment. The first part seems a little simplistic, but the second part (about disregarding anything that gives any sense of pleasure) is interesting. I'd not considered that - and it goes against the usual advice of enjoying your last day. I'm not sure how I feel about having a shitty final day, versus watching a sunset over a forest etc, but I can see the case for it. Just gives me more to mull over! haha
Have 2 bottles. You?

 

[wljourney]

I can very much relate to your thoughts and worries about location and also the loneliness described.

I'm in a similar position and it's really challenging.

So far I'm holding out for my very senior dog. But I know that we only have a few more months and then it will get urgent very fast for me.

So preparing for that moment is essential. Maybe I'll find another reason to procrastinate. Which really is a slow burn SI.

To your questions: yes, it's lonely. Extremely lonely and that's what makes me sad. But I don't think we have much of a choice there. You can't put someone in legal jeopardy by having them with you.

I think outdoors for taking N are actually quite nice and not a bad idea. I've been thinking of using a picknick blanket and seemingly napping or sitting at night in my car and watching a last sunset.

Overcoming SI usually happens with time. Calming yourself in that moment. Knowing that you have done the things you wanted to do (a will, a note, taken pets to a boarding place, cleared the garage, whatever that may be for you).

Once you're ready, it'll be easier to actually drink N. Because your mind is at ease. You have made your decision, you have grieved the life you won't have and you are ok with that. Or at least resigned enough to say goodbye.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

You have to have strong reasons to follow through. You're hesitant because something here is keeping you from wanting to do it. You're not ready.

 

[Alex6216]

haha
Have 2 bottles. You?

Zero...

 

[london3]

I have N (from D) and AEs, both of which I've had now for almost a year. I really want to take it within the next week(s), but I'm just terrified in case I botch it when survival instinct kicks in, by calling for help or who-knows what else. I can't stop mulling this all over in my mind.
Also, I can't decide on location - a hotel, Air B&B, the outdoors - I just can't bring myself to do it where I'll be discovered by someone known to me.
Realise this is probably my only (or best) chance, and I desperately want to do it.
Also I'm struggling hugely with the loneliness of having to be secretive. So far I've told one person in real life about my N (who is in a similar position) and a Samaritans call handler. I can't bring myself to tell anyone known to me. If I tell a professional, they will be obliged to act to 'keep me safe' (hate that expression) and probably seize it from me. If I tell family/a friend, they will either do the same, or then will feel so guilty when I eventually use it. I want to protect them from thinking that they could have somehow prevented it.
Please also, if anyone would like to chat, who is ideally in a similar position, I would love that. I have also posted in the Partners thread, and so apologies if reaching out here is a breach (please notify and I will edit if so.) I'm based in England, UK.

Hi

I am from London and in a similar position to yourself but have SN rather than N.

This is a hugely stressful time for anyone with a load of negative thoughts and emotions do it is always good to have people like this community to chat to. The outside world will never understand people like us and only pushes us towards medicine, therapy and hospitals etc.

If you are worried about getting caught and being secretive i would travel a bit and do it away from home and your local area so you do not get upset.

Loneliness is terrible but we have a community here to help you no matter what your decision.

Also i have thought about the loneliness and maybe having a partner in our last moments but as you know in the UK if it does not go to plan and only one of you passes away you could be arrested for assisting a suicide..... this law has put me off the thought of meeting someone face to face. Also i am wary that everyone here is a stranger and we really do not know who we are speaking to.

I was chatting to another user from the UK who passed away recently till their very last hour and she said she found comfort that many people were helping here.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/goodbye-thread-ctb-tonight-in-the-next-5-6-hours.92404/

I have already spoken to you via PM so let me know if you want to chat privately and feel free to contact me.

Take care
London333

 

[Darkover]

give it me i'll take it right now no need to wait around for shit to get better cause it never will

 

[Painnomore]

I have been looking for the answer of this question as well buddy.

I desperately need to go and spare myself all the terror that's ahead of me. Physical leading to a mental torture. Pure hell on earth.

If you find some techniques please let me know.

 

[Lost Magic]

I will take propranolol and a sleeping pill before I take N. I need to be somewhat relaxed and mildly sedated beforehand.

 

[The Abyss]

Just say fuck it, I'm done, do the protocol & down it. At home if you're alone for 12 hours otherwise rent a room. Midnight.

 

[EndIsNigh]

I'm currently thinking either
a) hotel room b) Air B&B managed by a professional host c) car parked up in a remote area d) the great outdoors

Anyone able to help talk me through the options, and various strengths/pitfalls of each? Also who else is in a similar position and planning for 'soon?'

 

[lostmyacc]

I'm currently thinking either
a) hotel room b) Air B&B managed by a professional host c) car parked up in a remote area d) the great outdoors

Anyone able to help talk me through the options, and various strengths/pitfalls of each? Also who else is in a similar position and planning for 'soon?'

Hotel should be good. Book 2 days do it midnight first day and put a 'do not disturb' sign out front.
Airbnb would work but there are variables that you can't predict. Once I've had maintenance people walk in to check tv signal, fire alarms go off. Electricity go off and people come out to check you're settling in ok. Random owners who won't leave you alone. Stuff like this you can't expect.

Car parked is most risky along with outdoors. My opinion is you're best going with a hotel that's busy in a major city.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

Hotel should be good. Book 2 days do it midnight first day and put a 'do not disturb' sign out front.
Airbnb would work but there are variables that you can't predict. Once I've had maintenance people walk in to check tv signal, fire alarms go off. Electricity go off and people come out to check you're settling in ok. Random owners who won't leave you alone. Stuff like this you can't expect.

Car parked is most risky along with outdoors. My opinion is you're best going with a hotel that's busy in a major city.

why is it risky in the car or outdoors? Could you give some example please, I want to consider it

 

[lostmyacc]

why is it risky in the car or outdoors? Could you give some example please, I want to consider it

It is my personal opinion that if someone sees you sleeping they maybe inclined to wake you up. Depending on area and circumstances, maybe a cop pulls up? who knows. They often find people half asleep in car parks and try quizz them. I also think the type of sleep after taking N would be suspect, you could blow an airhorn next to you and not wakeup. Any place you have any issue of being found is a gamble.


I love the idea of going into the woods and dying in nature drinking Nembutal, i've done a cost benefit analysis and think it's far too risky especially in the summer.

 

[EndIsNigh]

It is my personal opinion that if someone sees you sleeping they maybe inclined to wake you up. Depending on area and circumstances, maybe a cop pulls up? who knows. They often find people half asleep in car parks and try quizz them.

This is the fear. And particularly at the moment, in this part of England, pitch darkness is just from 10pm to 3.30am (roughly.) But if I do a hotel, it's more likely that (when) SI kicks in, I make a scene..

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I love the idea of going into the woods and dying in nature drinking Nembutal, i've done a cost benefit analysis and think it's far too risky especially in the summer.

This is the fear. And particularly at the moment, in this part of England, pitch darkness is just from 10pm to 3.30am (roughly.) But if I do a hotel, it's more likely that (when) SI kicks in, I make a scene..

I think that in the forest in a remote place is fine, I don't think there is much chance of being found right?

People prefer a hotel and it is more comfortable and safe, but I would be afraid of being found, making noise or something

 

[lostmyacc]

I think that in the forest in a remote place is fine, I don't think there is much chance of being found right?

People prefer a hotel and it is more comfortable and safe, but I would be afraid of being found, making noise or something

You're not going to make any noise on nembutal. But you're going to be extremely unresponsive in a coma. This will concern people if they stumble upon you, wanting to be a hero. If you are in stage of respiratory arrest the maybe damage if you are 'saved'.

 

[EndIsNigh]

You're not going to make any noise on nembutal. But you're going to be extremely unresponsive in a coma. This will concern people if they stumble upon you, wanting to be a hero. If you are in stage of respiratory arrest the maybe damage if you are 'saved'.

By making a noise, what I mean is when SI kicks in, then screaming, calling for help, running down to reception. all manner of things.. I've never attempted before seriously - don't know how my body will react

 

[lostmyacc]

By making a noise, what I mean is when SI kicks in, then screaming, calling for help, running down to reception. all manner of things.. I've never attempted before seriously - don't know how my body will react

Pretty confident that if you drink strong liquor after Nembutal like Baileys you will be asleep before you can really do any damage or reverse a decision.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

By making a noise, what I mean is when SI kicks in, then screaming, calling for help, running down to reception. all manner of things.. I've never attempted before seriously - don't know how my body will react

In this case, woods would be a better choice imo. In hotel you have all the chances to ask for help, but not in woods/far outdoors.
For fighting SI, as some people mentioned, some alcohol should be helpful (if it doesn't affect efficiency of N, idk) Perhaps take headphones on with some calming music