Venting How Things Have Been

[LunarLakes]

Just registered for this forum and figured it would be good to let some things out.

I tried breaking up with my bf last week. The first reason why is because I've been overthinking about everything. I feel like I can't trust him having female friends and the fact that he's been looking at naked girls on twitter and instagram. He told me he'd stop, and I hate saying this but I don't think I can believe him. The second reason is because I want to break up with him before I ctb so he doesn't have to deal with losing a girlfriend to suicide, and will instead lose an ex to suicide.
I want to ctb so badly this weekend but I can't because his daughter's birthday party is coming up soon and him and his daughter are such a big reason as to how I'm even here rn. A tiny part of me doesn't want to go through with it just because I want to be there for both of them throughout their lives. I wanna get married to him and I wanna be a stepmom to the crazy toddler, but I know there's someone out there who can fill that role better than I could. I think I wanna go out on my 20th birthday, try to make the most of these few months by doing things I love, such as going to different amusement parks, booking hotel rooms and just staying in the room watching movies, giving my bf and his daughter all the love they deserve, and just hoping it all makes me change my mind before then. But if not, I guess ending it is just meant to be.
Sorry this is so wordy I just needed to let it out.

 

[MrDarkness]

You clearly love him deeply, I just relaxing and not trying to over think, if you are still wanting to live on for their sake your clearly not ready to ctb in my opinion, everyone is special in there own way, no one could replace you no matter what, I hope your able to find peace in life or death

 

[LunarLakes]

You clearly love him deeply, I just relaxing and not trying to over think, if you are still wanting to live on for their sake your clearly not ready to ctb in my opinion, everyone is special in there own way, no one could replace you no matter what, I hope your able to find peace in life or death

It's been difficult thinking about how he and his daughter would react to me passing, especially because he lost his dad so young and the only reason I am still here is because I don't want to put him through losing someone again. I also feel like my mental illnesses are putting a lot of strain on the relationship and I feel like I am toxic when I get in my episodes (I'll be unable to communicate and I find myself getting very irritated easily with him). Thinking back on the episodes and even during them I feel like I'm a horrible partner and that I am just like his ex even though he assures me I'm nothing like her. All in all I'm terrified thinking that the only reason he is sticking by me is because he doesn't want to start over with a new girl. If I end my life he wouldn't have to feel guilty about moving on, hell he's even admitted that if I killed myself he'd move on.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Welcome to the forum. So sorry this dreadful world has brought you here.
Is your bf supportive and showing you understanding and empathy ?
If not, then this is a major red flag.
He said He would move on if you killed yourself, was He upset at the thought of you killing yourself ?
If not, then maybe the relationship is toxic.

 

[LunarLakes]

Welcome to the forum. So sorry this dreadful world has brought you here.
Is your bf supportive and showing you understanding and empathy ?
If not, then this is a major red flag.
He said He would move on if you killed yourself, was He upset at the thought of you killing yourself ?
If not, then maybe the relationship is toxic.

He's been really understanding, but he gets angry at the situation easily if I can't communicate to him what is wrong. I really wish I could explain to him what I've been feeling but I feel if I keep explaining to him the problems I have I'm going to be seen as a burden. When he said this we were in the car driving with a friend, and we were talking about my mental state and my friend had brought up my bf moving on if I committed and he said "yeah I would move on if you passed." And it really hurt because it seems like he cares a lot less about me if our friends are with us. I can understand not wanting to be too lovey as to not annoy our friends but it still hurts how different he seems when we're not alone

 

[The anhedonic one]

He's been really understanding, but he gets angry at the situation easily if I can't communicate to him what is wrong. I really wish I could explain to him what I've been feeling but I feel if I keep explaining to him the problems I have I'm going to be seen as a burden. When he said this we were in the car driving with a friend, and we were talking about my mental state and my friend had brought up my bf moving on if I committed and he said "yeah I would move on if you passed." And it really hurt because it seems like he cares a lot less about me if our friends are with us. I can understand not wanting to be too lovey as to not annoy our friends but it still hurts how different he seems when we're not alone

Yes, reacting so differently with you when around friends is a definite red flag. If someone truly loves you then they will be supportive of you all the time regardless of who is around.
It's a dreadful situation you are in right now and I can relate because I escaped a toxic relationship not long ago.
It hurt like hell for a while but I am far less stressed.

 

[MrDarkness]

It's been difficult thinking about how he and his daughter would react to me passing, especially because he lost his dad so young and the only reason I am still here is because I don't want to put him through losing someone again. I also feel like my mental illnesses are putting a lot of strain on the relationship and I feel like I am toxic when I get in my episodes (I'll be unable to communicate and I find myself getting very irritated easily with him). Thinking back on the episodes and even during them I feel like I'm a horrible partner and that I am just like his ex even though he assures me I'm nothing like her. All in all I'm terrified thinking that the only reason he is sticking by me is because he doesn't want to start over with a new girl. If I end my life he wouldn't have to feel guilty about moving on, hell he's even admitted that if I killed myself he'd move on.

Damn, it's honestly up to you if you wanna keep fighting or not, just a shitty situation over all

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult and tiring situation to be trapped in but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.