spiders.in.my.head
chronically stupid
- Dec 21, 2025
- 69
(just yapping, feel free to ignore)
I'm conflicted. I feel uneasy with the person i have become. I don't agree with my own decisions from the past, with my own actions in the present.
Some part of me is still desperate to live and heal and cope. Another part of me downs any ideas of improvement, regarding it as stupid and irrational.
I don't want to get better. But i do.
i can never feel certain about what i think or feel, because in the span of a few hours, i will completely 180 and scold my past self.
A person who knows about my suicidal ideation said something that struck deep. He said something to the tone of "youre gonna kys no matter what i do". Ive written myself off as a dead man walking for a while but to hear that someone else considers me as good as dead... it hurt. but why? if i can write myself off as gone, why shouldn't others? i dont understand my own feelings and thoughts.
Im not a good person, im not a kind person. Theres anger and hatred deep within, and i hate this about myself. Every once in a while, i forget myself. I become nasty, mean and sarcastic. once i realize, i feel disgusted.
I wish someone else would get angry enough at me to beat the living shit out of me. maybe it would make me see sense. i would absolutely deserve it.
i feel like... maybe my suicide is the best thing that can happen. not for my sake, but for everyone else's. i could relieve quite a few people of the burden of having to know me.
I'm conflicted. I feel uneasy with the person i have become. I don't agree with my own decisions from the past, with my own actions in the present.
Some part of me is still desperate to live and heal and cope. Another part of me downs any ideas of improvement, regarding it as stupid and irrational.
I don't want to get better. But i do.
i can never feel certain about what i think or feel, because in the span of a few hours, i will completely 180 and scold my past self.
A person who knows about my suicidal ideation said something that struck deep. He said something to the tone of "youre gonna kys no matter what i do". Ive written myself off as a dead man walking for a while but to hear that someone else considers me as good as dead... it hurt. but why? if i can write myself off as gone, why shouldn't others? i dont understand my own feelings and thoughts.
Im not a good person, im not a kind person. Theres anger and hatred deep within, and i hate this about myself. Every once in a while, i forget myself. I become nasty, mean and sarcastic. once i realize, i feel disgusted.
I wish someone else would get angry enough at me to beat the living shit out of me. maybe it would make me see sense. i would absolutely deserve it.
i feel like... maybe my suicide is the best thing that can happen. not for my sake, but for everyone else's. i could relieve quite a few people of the burden of having to know me.
