How telling others about upcoming death without mentioning suicide

[Alessa]

Hi guys,

I had a lot of discussions, if I should tell my mother, that I will CTB. I want her to be prepared... to get the chance to get used to being without me. Well, actually , we don't see each other that often... maybe once in 2 months, because of the distance. But we love each other and kinda depend on each other emotionally. Nevertheless I decided to CTB in about 2 years. It's no use to keep on living, just because she needs me when I can't stand my life anymore. Others told me, that she sould know about my plans. Well, I talked about that a few times with her and she cried (of course). She's not able to handle with this topic and we always end up changing the topic after a lot of tears.
I think it's important that she knows when it might happen, not the exact date but an approximate period, so that she can get used to it. It will still hurt of course but well...

I think, that a lie could help, til Iam afraid she could reveal my plans to the police or something like that. She would do anything from preventing me to CTB.
But what if I got a reason to die, so that she can't do anything about it? Can I provide a reason? For example (might be a bad example, I know), I "decided to donate vital organs to save the life of someone else." If she would believe that, it would make everything easier I guess. Yes, it's a lie after all for what she could get disappointed and deeply hurt afterwards, but it might be "easier" for her and more safe for myself. And yes, I would also need some kinda proof, that Iam not providing a reason.

Well, I'd appreciate your help.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm going to be direct and honest.

She's already prepared that it could happen. 2 years is a very long time, my advice is to let her enjoy the next 2 years. The only person who really needs to prepare during that time is you. It does not seem to me that it is demonstrating care toward her, or that it is emotionally safe behavior with her, to keep dangling the possibility of your ctb; she already knows.

 

[Thatdude]

I think it's important that she knows when it might happen, not the exact date but an approximate period, so that she can get used to it. It will still hurt of course but well

I tried that with my folks. Like you I figured it is best for them so they can get use to the idea of me being gone.
They didn't put me in a hospital or anything like that. But they somewhat guilt me out of it, and I felt bad when I didn't go through with it.

Looking back, I think what I needed to do is talk about making a will. Like you aren't saying you will die or whatever. But it makes them start thinking what happens if you do die tomorrow. And having one setup right is important.
But I also agree with others. You need to less prep her and prep yourself.

 

[Alessa]

I see,

but you know, I would tell her about the lie in tha last few months, so that she can enjoy the next 12+ months without thinking about it. I think she's really good in denying it...

Another question: What do you mean by preparing myself? I got the stuff to do it. I will cancel contracts and insurances in time, so that nobody has to do that for me. There will be other things my family will have to care of after my death, but I will transfer all my money to their bank account, so that they won't have financial issues.

What else will I have to prepare? Is there a "tutorial" / list of things I can check online? I might forget something... Things I shouldn't forget. Maybe you can help me with that?

Thanks for the replies!

 

[s1mplem3]

Whether you tell her or not, please be honest. She's your mother and she deserves truth.

 

[k75]

I'm going to be direct and honest.

She's already prepared that it could happen. 2 years is a very long time, my advice is to let her enjoy the next 2 years. The only person who really needs to prepare during that time is you. It does not seem to me that it is demonstrating care toward her, or that it is emotionally safe behavior with her, to keep dangling the possibility of your ctb; she already knows.

I agree with this. I do understand why it seems important that you prepare her and keep telling her, but the truth is, it might actually do the opposite of what you want.

Speaking from a mother's point of view, the possibility of losing your child is not something you will get used to. You won't be sparing her any grief. It's terrifying, and it would destroy me if my son told me he was going to kill himself in 2 years. Instead of enjoying our time together, I'd constantly be dwelling on losing him and worrying about how much time we had left. Counting time. Each interaction would be tainted by the knowledge. And I'd have guilt because I knew and couldn't stop it. So I see no benefit to telling her.

Of course there isn't a tutorial or guide... But a lot of people do find they need time to work through emotions or overcome SI. Maybe the need you feel to prepare her really comes from a need within yourself to prepare for not being there for her anymore?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Emotionally preparing yourself is what all of us are referring to here. If you're emotionally prepared, then there's nothing more to do for now. Enjoy life. Let your mother enjoy hers.

 

[Thatdude]

Another question: What do you mean by preparing myself? I got the stuff to do it. I will cancel contracts and insurances in time, so that nobody has to do that for me. There will be other things my family will have to care of after my death, but I will transfer all my money to their bank account, so that they won't have financial issues.

What else will I have to prepare? Is there a "tutorial" / list of things I can check online? I might forget something... Things I shouldn't forget. Maybe you can help me with that?

Thanks for the replies!

Well you need to be ready for it. Like it's something you shouldn't take lightly. And the closer you get to the date, the more anxious you might get. On top of this, you need to prepare for both if it happens, if you don't do it, and if it goes wrong.

 

[oopswronglife]

The answer is you don't tell people. It's a human desire to want to be accepted and understood...but telling people shifts the pressure from you to them and makes them feel confused, worried, and forced to "act" in their minds. It's a fantasy to imagine most people would accept this and be ok with it. It will ALWAYS put more pain and pressure on them. Again it's normal to desire otherwise...but it's not reality. People will not get used to this and asking them too is making it about you and not them.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Tell them you love them, thank them if necessary, or just for the nice times as you see fit, youre proud of them etc. I sent my friend a message the other week saying simply Mate just incase anything happens to me, you know i don't show my emotions but Ive been meaning to say i respect him like a brother and if anything happens to me it's been a pleasure to know him and all the best for his future etc.
My health is in the gutter though so its easier for me without drawing suspicion.

 

[TAW122]

@oopswronglife is correct here. It's counter-intuitive to tell others about your wanting to die without at least raising some red flags or causing them to question you. I'd like to add that sometimes, it's better for them to know after the fact, so delayed messages, whether it is email or text would be the way to go if you wanted to be 'heard'. Also, with delayed messages, communication is that you are always able to retract what you said (before you send it) should you decide to change your mind.