accidentaldeath
Student
- May 29, 2018
- 107
Some of you may remember me from quite some time ago. I wasn't really active but I've spent a good amount of time on this forum. I've read a ton of different suicide methods and even bought what I needed for some of them too. I don't mean to create a discussion or receive a ton of replies. I don't want to change your opinion just wanted to share my experience and vision, this is more like a therapy to myself and hope I can help other people too, I will be glad to answer replies or private messages.
My life has been on rails pretty much all my life, I was a normal kid and I had an good childhood. However, when I was 15-16 due to medical problems in my family and other reasons I prefer not to share, my life turned from a happy and normal life to a pretty fucked up one. Depression hit me really hard I tried different pills and everything I could to get better without success. This is where my first suicidal thoughts began to appear, I remember going to bed every night hoping I would never wake up, and waking up crying because I was not dead. ALL I WANTED WAS TO DIE, but I couldn't because I would destroy even more my family, they were my main reason to live, they were pretty supportive and I've always thought I had the best parents ever, so I couldn't do that to them.
This kept me alive for some years, although I was a fucking zombie, always faking a smile to avoid hurting the people I love and going to the bathroom constantly to cry. I continued my life and became pretty successful with my career, made money enough with my job to live without having to worry too much about it, but everything else was not going better, depression and anxiety was still there and I still wanted to be death, but again, I couldn't do that to my family.
But then, I realized about one thing which changed my whole perception. When you don't fear death life can become pretty amazing. The biggest fear humans tend to have and which in lot of cases hold them from doing what they want is the fear to death. Congratulations, you don't have that fear, so you are a step above. Of course this doesn't apply to all cases, but I think there's lot of people like me with normal lifes that just want to die.
Do you like motorbikes or cars? Then go ahead and go as fast as you can, what's the worst thing could happen, you die? That's not a problem. Would you like to try base jumping? Then go ahead. Have you ever thought: I would like to do this thing but I'm too afraid of failing? Just do it.
Of course, I can end up in a wheelchair, but even in that case I think just commiting suicide would be more easy to justify for my family and wouldn't cause as much pain.
I still have my SN available just in case I can't stand this anymore and just want a quick death. But my main objective is to live all the adventures I would like to live, and probably will end up dying on one of it, but at least I will die smiling. Let me tell you, adrenaline feels fucking amazing, and anyway if I continue this way I won't live much more probably.
This is just my opinion, and also it doesn't mean it'll be the path I take for sure. But since I realized I don't fear death I've been taking some risks I wouldn't take other way and I've really enjoyed doing it, those moments are when I feel really free and seems like I disconnect from real world. Of course, everything can go even worse on my life and just want to end it all, that's why I always have SN available.
Sorry if it's too long, I would love to hear your opinions.
My life has been on rails pretty much all my life, I was a normal kid and I had an good childhood. However, when I was 15-16 due to medical problems in my family and other reasons I prefer not to share, my life turned from a happy and normal life to a pretty fucked up one. Depression hit me really hard I tried different pills and everything I could to get better without success. This is where my first suicidal thoughts began to appear, I remember going to bed every night hoping I would never wake up, and waking up crying because I was not dead. ALL I WANTED WAS TO DIE, but I couldn't because I would destroy even more my family, they were my main reason to live, they were pretty supportive and I've always thought I had the best parents ever, so I couldn't do that to them.
This kept me alive for some years, although I was a fucking zombie, always faking a smile to avoid hurting the people I love and going to the bathroom constantly to cry. I continued my life and became pretty successful with my career, made money enough with my job to live without having to worry too much about it, but everything else was not going better, depression and anxiety was still there and I still wanted to be death, but again, I couldn't do that to my family.
But then, I realized about one thing which changed my whole perception. When you don't fear death life can become pretty amazing. The biggest fear humans tend to have and which in lot of cases hold them from doing what they want is the fear to death. Congratulations, you don't have that fear, so you are a step above. Of course this doesn't apply to all cases, but I think there's lot of people like me with normal lifes that just want to die.
Do you like motorbikes or cars? Then go ahead and go as fast as you can, what's the worst thing could happen, you die? That's not a problem. Would you like to try base jumping? Then go ahead. Have you ever thought: I would like to do this thing but I'm too afraid of failing? Just do it.
Of course, I can end up in a wheelchair, but even in that case I think just commiting suicide would be more easy to justify for my family and wouldn't cause as much pain.
I still have my SN available just in case I can't stand this anymore and just want a quick death. But my main objective is to live all the adventures I would like to live, and probably will end up dying on one of it, but at least I will die smiling. Let me tell you, adrenaline feels fucking amazing, and anyway if I continue this way I won't live much more probably.
This is just my opinion, and also it doesn't mean it'll be the path I take for sure. But since I realized I don't fear death I've been taking some risks I wouldn't take other way and I've really enjoyed doing it, those moments are when I feel really free and seems like I disconnect from real world. Of course, everything can go even worse on my life and just want to end it all, that's why I always have SN available.
Sorry if it's too long, I would love to hear your opinions.
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