How SS changed me

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I found about SS in November of last year, after being in a very bad place (nothing new there) and doing research on methods. I joined soon after and for a month I was busy browsing. I wasn't regularly on the site. SS opened a whole new horizon for me and I was soaking it in bit by bit.

After a month I timidly started to post, mostly playing games, which was perfect for the long afternoon shifts. At that time I noticed my thoughts getting more darker and my behavior changed to the point I couldn't hide my depression from anybody. Something about knowing that I'm part of a site that so openly discuss suicide didn't sit well with me. A feeling that I'm trapping myself in a pattern of thoughts that would throw me even deeper into despair. A restlessness for the mere fact that I do belong in here. I wanted to CTB, I was sure of it, but that doubling down of the certitude of it happening was unsettling. It wasn't even a question of keeping a bit of hope alive. Instead, I felt like an innocent man awaiting execution.

The key word here is 'innocent'. I though I didn't deserve this. Some of my earlier post reflected this - I was playing a victim. Because I felt like one.

But for some reason, and I'm not clear on the causes, reading other peoples' stories and commentaries, or just being here, made me accept that there's nothing wrong with wanting to CTB, even if we are all probably 'innocent' by default. I've fully accepted that I want to and will CTB and now I go about my days care-free, acting like nothing's wrong. I would even say that at times I'm happy and suicidal at the same time. "One must imagine Sisyphus happy." gained a whole new meaning.

Thank you SS.

 

[WornOutLife]

@FixThe26 @StopSanctionedSuicide I really hope you read this!!!

Thank YOU for being such a nice member of this community, my friend.
I feel the same as you. Talking about depression, suicide, mental illnesses, and whatever thing you could think of here is so awesome! No one judges you, they just give you point of views and try to help and support you as much as they can.

SS rocks!

I will never regret having typed "suicide forum" on Google and ending up here lol.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Talking about depression, suicide, mental illnesses, and whatever thing you could think of here is so awesome! No one judges you, they just give you point of views and try to help and support you as much as they can.

It must be this. The absence of judgment, the good-spirited people that show an almost unbelievable ammount of understanding and care for one another.

But what's crucial imo is that nobody here is bullshitting. Honesty and unbiasedness is on an all-time high on this forum. And the best and most fair help and support comes always from keeping things real.

 

[PaxAmerica]

I have been thinking about ctb for about 2 years. Already broken from bereavement I discovered our solicitor screwed up the estate tax wise during probate and covered up. Such an expensive problem that can't be solved. It was the tipping point for me. I have planned a little but not very much as at the same time I think it is for me I don't think it for me. I have placed a cable around my neck twice and just tested the sensation of hanging. The second time it hurt and I stopped after a few seconds, feet always on the ground. There was something about the experience though that kind of comforts me. Almost like I have another option if I ever need it.
I found this website by change about 2 weeks ago as every time I tried to find information on ctb the internet just throws up prevention sites. I understand that. It's not something to be taken lightly and no one wants to aid and abet anything like that. But the site has helped me over the past two weeks. Seeing other people thinking like me. Not judging. I have no idea where this goes from here but I feel glad at the moment that I found this site.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I have no idea where this goes from here but I feel glad at the moment that I found this site.

It was definitely a process for me. Think of it as a reality check. Here you have the truth, harsh as it may be, but it's real, unadulterated and without embellishments. See how it makes you feel, how it reflects on your own thoughts and come to your own realizations, without pressure. Leave, come back, leave again, stay for good or never come back. Whatever.

I'm sure that for everyone that found confirmation here there's someone else who realized that they don't want to CTB at all. But it's a process. I've been suicidal for 20 years and it still took time to digest it all. Take your time. Look at this as an opportunity to discover what you really want.