Discussion How secret is your ideation? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

I expect this may have been discussed before but I was curious to ask again... Do many people in real life know about your ideation? If they do, does that help or, not? If it's a secret, is it hard to bear on your own?

I guess I'm surprised by both extremes. People who felt able to tell their loved ones openly. Although, I suppose it may have been revealed unintentionally- a failed attempt etc. And those who are able to conceal it from everyone.

I'm in the middle really. I've told close friends in the past. I think family members sometimes suspect. It's mostly been discussing passive ideation though. I've never hinted at being actively suicidal.

What are your experiences? If you feel like you want to share.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

No one knows.

People probably don't suspect. But I have a 20-year history of trying to kill myself, so there's a chance someone might worry in the back of their mind when I'm struggling with life shit.

 

[Forveleth]

Tell my partner almost daily I do not want to be alive anymore (he does nothing in response). I have told a few close friends that I am severely depressed (they have at least offered to listen if I want to talk). That is it. So like, 3 people.

 

[atrophy]

I did tell some people but they straight up avoided talking about it like the plague.
No one believed that it was real; they likely thought I was joking because I'm so good at pretending to be optimistic and happy.

They even think the SH scars are cat scratches.

If they actively know they would have to play the Good Samaritan and talk to me, so even if they know they likely ignore it to escape responsibility.

 

[Jadeith]

One, very close friend knows for sure that i want to CTB and unfortunately that made them scared shitless. Didn't want to scare poor thing.
2 or 3 people might suspect something but more likely they suspect some form of depression, not ideation itself.

 

[Alitaaqua6781]

No one knows at all. I have one online friend who knows and she understands because she know about my health issues. As an adult I'm very careful to never mention it to anyone no matter what.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Mine is like you said - unintentional from a failed attempt. My parents seem to have told everyone they know.

No clue if they still think I am that way or have recovered. I did say to my OCD therapist once that I would be perfectly happy to go to sleep and never wake up again, and I kind of hinted to my cousin in a text recently when I said I think there's no point to life. I find it so unbelievably hard to keep this stuff in sometimes so I try not to cross the fine line with certain people of hinting I am still not happy without saying too much.

If anyone ever asks, and so far only my dad has - we both play the game Wordle - and my starter word is always death.lol
If I ever told anyone that I wonder if it would give them a clue!

 

[areyousafe??]

Only my psychiatrist asks about it, and I respond truthfully. I never volunteer information to people who don't ask me. My family may suspect it, but they never ask me. Obviously it's not something that people usually talk about.

 

[Flirtingwithdemons]

Husband knows, doubt anyone else does. I've masked all my life so I can play the role society requires quite easily. I'm known as a funny and upbeat person, and people don't tend to dig beyond that.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Nobody irl knows. I also don't think that they'd suspect anything since my family are the type of people who wouldn't ever suspect somebody of being suicidal unless if you were to explicitly tell them that you're suicidal. It's obvious that I'm depressed since I'm always in my room and I stay in my room for as long as possible but they won't ever deem me to be suicidal. I refuse to tell anybody since I know they aren't on my side as they'll try and stop me instead of letting it be easier for me to attempt

 

[billie]

almost everyone knows that i'm chronically suicidal that's no longer a secret

 

[Namelesa]

Everyone basically knows how suicidal I am. I find it very hard to keep it to myself as I am very emotional. I said about it as a cry for help but it's not really helped as they try to prevent my ctb attempts and trap me in the house. I just want to die at this point but will settle for getting better but it's hard to do either of these things.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Only MH workers and SaSu members know.
I wouldn't tell family because they don't speak to me and I'm glad because they don't understand my problems and make no effort to understand. They just judge me by normie standards.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

When I became actively suicidal, I was so shocked myself, that I thought I had to share it with one person in particular. At that point I thought it was important for him to know that there would be a time of no contact from me and that there shouldn't be any trace of our relationship. I didn't want any trouble after I ctb or a link between us, although I did not give any details of my plan. A lot has happened since, and the person is not aware of my continued ideation, even if more passive. I don't think anyone suspects for sure at the moment.

 

[Greyhawk]

I've joked and talked a little bit about suicide with my friends when we have been drinking but I don't think they have taken me seriously (gladly). My mom only knows that I've "suffered" from it but thinks I'm doing fine now. It's kind of draining to keep pretending but no one would understand.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Ii have a weird history, as I lied about being suicidal in the past — no one knows about that, but I was very open with suicide in some points of my life, even expressing it some point this year, but it's a yes and no, as I keep it hidden so well, but obviously I'm always under so many stress and overwhelming trauma that it comes out in the open, as I don't handle how the world has treated and harmed me psychologically, and this point, I don't care whether they know or not as they will find out eventually, but they just think I'm a yapper or something, even though I literally have to remind them I'm an introvert, not an extrovert just because I'm social, deal with health problems, and I like keeping to myself because you jackasses are insane... I don't care for your damn support or how you feel about me not accepting it with your weird phrases and demeaning insults and making me feel uncomfortable, even if you can't tell... You can't assume or even generalize and you should pay attention, too, and they have their weird ways of equally making me feel more worse, and yet, they get surprised I'm suicidal...

 

[loneloser]

I pushed away everyone (All of my online friends) that did know of my extremely depressed state because I feel that even if I ever did recover, they would never see me in the same light and nothing would ever go back to being normal between me and them. I can't fathom playing a game with them or joking with them so I just gave up.

 

[unwilling_lich]

p much everyone, they dont really take it seriously anymore, but like what can they even do plus like most everyone i know has some sort of history with suicide

 

[iwillnevershutup]

as a joke once
i wasn't joking, actually

 

[LostLily]

haven't directly told anyone, but a few people might suspect it.

 

[nomoredolor]

being unsuccessful in my last attempt raised awareness to how much I want to die unfortunately

Anna

 

[ladylazarus4]

I picked very few know but some suspect but that's not really accurate. My therapist and treatment team and one friend know in detail but no one suspects. I have attempted in the past and obviously my parents know and everyone from residential, but everyone thinks I'm better (writing this in present tense even tho active SI is low).

 

[tyopeak]

I've joked and talked a little bit about suicide with my friends when we have been drinking but I don't think they have taken me seriously (gladly). My mom only knows that I've "suffered" from it but thinks I'm doing fine now. It's kind of draining to keep pretending but no one would understand.

This is quite similar to me. I've told a few very close friends and my girlfriend about how I used to self harm and I make the occasional suicide joke but nobody is aware that ive actually attempted a few times. I told my parents that I started antidepressants a little while ago and my parents told me depression isn't real and i need to just get a grip so ive just tried to pretend to be okay since ive not really found any solace in talking to people. I had a couple sessions with a therapist once a few months ago but honesty they just made me feel worse about everything so i stopped but told my friends that I was still having sessions.

Pretending to be okay is so draining. I just want it to stop. I have gotten a lot better on my SH and SI recently but obviously I wouldn't have ended up on this site if it wasn't still something I was planning. I just wish when i told people they actually helped instead of making me feel bad for telling them. Even the therapist made me feel terrible and wish i hadn't told them anything. Any time ive been open with people about my struggles they make me regret telling them so now i just keep it all to myself. I think when i do CTB then people won't be too surprised but they don't know enough (or care enough) to do so much as ask how im doing.

 

[EternalShore]

I put other! :) If it's online, then it's literally every single person I've talked to over the last 2 years (even off SS)~ xDDD for irl, it's probably a few~ I used to be more open about it when it looked like I had friends~ nowadays, I'm not~ altho, I hinted at being a member here when talking about something I've done once! >_< I'm just bad at keeping secrets~ xD

 

[sinnovator]

Very interesting poll. For myself, the secret is in a vault so deep that nobody even remotely suspects. Moreover, since finalizing my checklist for everything I need to CTB, I am in a calm and happy state (at least externally), so no one will pick up on any tell-tale behavioral changes.

I'm a master of keeping secrets. My first attempt at CTB was when I was 9 years old. I can recall further attempts--all with varying degrees of seriousness--nearly every 5 years since then for the last 40 years. Nobody knew about any of these. Not friends, romantic partners, parents, teachers, no one.

Interestingly, my decision to finally take the plunge now so to speak doesn't come from the same place of emotional turmoil and desperation as before. From the outside, I have a good career, decent quality of life, stable marriage, supportive family etc. No history of depression, mental illness, etc (at least on paper). People will struggle to think of a root cause behind my actions.

 

[yousaidimsweet]

no one knows, some suspect. i've told people that lately i've been having mental health issues and have described them as debilitating but i don't think anyone knows the true extent. i don't even like to admit to myself that i have ctb ideations, and that they're tempting. it's really hard to keep it all to myself but i don't want to be a burden on others, so everytime someone asks how i've been doing (no matter how much they know about my mental health issues) i always say i've been doing great

 

[Orc]

Nobody knows.

 

[depressedcappuccino]

My parents know and told my brother when they thought I was attempting but really wasn't, which ruined my relationship with him because he never suspected I was actually suicidal only that I've felt that way in the past, and now it's put this weird vibe between us since he knows I have active mental health problems so we haven't talked in a while. My cousin also probably suspects since he's made jokes about offing himself due to work stress when we hung out for the first time in a while after I stopped communicating with him for a bit when I got close to attempting with sn last year.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

I think the few people in my life have put two and two together by now. It's just made people walk on eggshells around me for the most part.

 

[Richard Langford]

Nobody knows. It wouldn't change matters and why would I want to cause them the stress and worry.