How on earth do I figure out something as complicated as ctb when I'm suicidal

[ScornedStoic]

I can't get a gun and have no idea how to acquire sources of material for devices or chemicals to kill myself with.

The PPH is so long and convoluted and when someone is in the throes of depression and anguish and torment, how is one supposed to work up the energy to figure any of this out

I understand sites like these can't literally walk you through it holding your hand but I'm also at my wits end at this point and seriously dont know what to do, I'm considering something with a much higher survival rate/chaotic like jumping off a building (not that I can find any nor do I know how) or simply trying to jump in front of a truck on a highway, I know that's selfish, but I can't take it anymore each and every day is complete utter torture and there is no way out and I dont have another few years left in me to figure out these complicated mechanisms or recipes, source the needed materials, save up to afford them, test it etc all while not even knowing enough about any of them to know if it will work or which is best

I'm completely distraught, I need to cease existing as soon as possible but that feels impossible and that I have no choice but to try something very risky

 

[car]

Honestly I would go to the city and go to a less populated area and go jump off a skyscraper

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm suicidal, too, but for me, studying, learning, exploring different methods of CTB gave me a sense of purpose and even reinvigorated me to start getting my affairs in order, so that I could get to the "finish line" I want. I know it's not the same for everyone, but that's how it worked for me. Doing something impulsively, more times than not, doesn't lead to good outcomes. You really have to make CTB, and all it entails, the reading, the planning, etc., your mission in life while you are still hanging around. Good luck.

 

[ScornedStoic]

I'm suicidal, too, but for me, studying, learning, exploring different methods of CTB gave me a sense of purpose and even reinvigorated me to start getting my affairs in order, so that I could get to the "finish line" I want. I know it's not the same for everyone, but that's how it worked for me. Doing something impulsively, more times than not, doesn't lead to good outcomes. You really have to make CTB, and all it entails, the reading, the planning, etc., your mission in life while you are still hanging around. Good luck.

Nothing about this is impulsive. That was the least reassuring thing I could have read tbh even if you're right.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Nothing about this is impulsive. That was the least reassuring thing I could have read tbh even if you're right.

It's to your benefit to be able to take charge of your situation and do what's necessary to get where you want to be. I don't know how you get yourself to a point whereby you can do that for yourself. All of us were pretty much in the same boat as you. It's hard doing anything when you're suicidal. All I said was taking control of finding the method, and the way to make that method happen, for me, gave me purpose because that's what I need to do for me. I honestly don't understand your comment. What do you want me to say, you can do it? Get up off your arse, do some reading, learning, planning, and make yourself a plan. Is that what you want? Or, do you just want it all handed to you?

And where at all in my response is even the word impulsive? Or, an insinuation thereof? I don't even know what impulsivity has to do with any of this. I have no idea what you read INTO my message, but it's not what I wrote.

Sorry you're disappointed in my response. I'll refrain from here on in chiming in to any of your postings.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry this ehy here need ppl imprv mthod Sci etc prblm no rsrch nobody take srs, prolif all time make mthod hard but ctb ppl cmnty no cntr unfrtnt

 

[MrShino]

'It's really not so difficult. Easiest would probably to get SN (you can get a source from the people here in PM). Then you need Antiemetics for it. This -could- pose a problem as they are usually prescriptions. Read Stan's guide for some alternatives. Then add some painkillers and you're ready to go. Other methods like inert gas would need some technical know-how it seems, and you could go for charcoals in a tent (not sure about the dangers if you were to survive it though).

 

[smallworld_]

its a lot of research, but I think once you uncover your options and what you have accessibility to, you can make your decision from there.

 

[itsallpointless]

Excerpt from ppeh. There you go

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

This is one of many reasons most attempts fail, it's just a bit more difficult to research, plan and execute it efficiently while you're already dead inside and can't focus or think too much. But it's a necessary last ditch effort to not accidentally fail an attempt and make permanent damage that will make future attempts way more difficult (or even impossible).

 

[thouxan]

I feel your pain. I feel my brain getting foggier and more tired by the day. If this is truly your last resort, you need to use all the strength you have left to do some research and find a good method for you. If you are willing to tolerate some physical pain, there are other reliable methods which are much more available than SN, pills, inert gases etc. I wish you luck

 

[Forever Sleep]

It always puzzled me that some anti-depressants warned of suicidal thoughts as a side effect. I always thought- shouldn't they be treating them?!! It must of been here that I read that- people on anti-depressants DO sometimes end up killing themselves. Not because the medication made them suicidal- they were likely feeling that way before- it just maybe gave them more clarity of mind and maybe more energy to act on those thoughts. I'm not suggesting anti-deppresants by the way. It's just that your post made me think of this.

I'm afraid I don't know what to say. I kind of feel like it's important (to me) to be in a good state of mind to CTB. I want it to be a rational decision. I want it to come across that way too. I plan to lay out all the documents/ID/notes for the police and have everything organised.

I'm curious really- have your suicidal thoughts developed alongside difficulties in planning/organising? I know depression can just destroy energy to do anything. I'm sorry- it must feel awful to feel so desperate but so trapped.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand this, and I absolutely despise the fact that suicide is so unnecessarily difficult and complicated. If methods like Nembutal were easily available I would be long gone at this point. I just view it as being so cruel how we were so selfishly burdened with existence in the first place yet denied the options of peaceful ways to exit. We shouldn't have to suffer and delay the inevitable if we don't want to, all those who wish to die should just be able to exit in peace.

 

[OceanBlue]

Posts like these and thinking of people from goodbye threads who had to spend their last moments in secret and alone make me hate pro-living natalists more. They cause all this pain and then add to it by denying legal ways to exit.

I'm sorry you were brought into hell without consent and now have to find ways to organize your own death.. you will need to gather your last strength to ensure you choose a reliable method and thoroughly plan it, otherwise you may end up hurting yourself and remain with permanent damage.

I'm guessing a lot of us wanted to step into traffic at some point, but it would just leave you in a coma with organ injuries and a damaged spine, and you'd still likely wake up.

 

[SilentSadness]

I hate existing as well, there's nothing I want more than a peaceful death. Unfortunately, that's as far away as it can get and even if I was willing to settle for a brutal method I would most likely fail. This world is horrific and the way people force others to stay here and remove methods like N is awful, not to mention if people knew we were this way we would be abused and tormented in a psych ward without a second thought. I really hope you find peace, I am in the same situation and every day is filled with sadness.

 

[white_bear]

Excerpt from ppeh. There you goView attachment 107180

Why is H2S gas not talked about a lot on here? It looks reliable and seems the easiest to get the supplies. I guess the worst thing about it is harming innocent people.

 

[ScornedStoic]

'It's really not so difficult. Easiest would probably to get SN (you can get a source from the people here in PM). Then you need Antiemetics for it. This -could- pose a problem as they are usually prescriptions. Read Stan's guide for some alternatives. Then add some painkillers and you're ready to go. Other methods like inert gas would need some technical know-how it seems, and you could go for charcoals in a tent (not sure about the dangers if you were to survive it though).

Okay, I read the guide and I'm hoping it's simple enough, but I'm not sure where to get a source for SN from... the site rules say no sourcing and I have no idea who to PM

I feel your pain. I feel my brain getting foggier and more tired by the day. If this is truly your last resort, you need to use all the strength you have left to do some research and find a good method for you. If you are willing to tolerate some physical pain, there are other reliable methods which are much more available than SN, pills, inert gases etc. I wish you luck

At this point I would be willing to hang myself. I dont know how to find a place that could hoist me though, there's no private spot with beams to tie a rope to where I live.

I feel your pain. I feel my brain getting foggier and more tired by the day. If this is truly your last resort, you need to use all the strength you have left to do some research and find a good method for you. If you are willing to tolerate some physical pain, there are other reliable methods which are much more available than SN, pills, inert gases etc. I wish you luck

At this point I would be willing to hang myself. I dont know how to find a place that could hoist me though, there's no private spot with beams to tie a rope to where I live.

It always puzzled me that some anti-depressants warned of suicidal thoughts as a side effect. I always thought- shouldn't they be treating them?!! It must of been here that I read that- people on anti-depressants DO sometimes end up killing themselves. Not because the medication made them suicidal- they were likely feeling that way before- it just maybe gave them more clarity of mind and maybe more energy to act on those thoughts. I'm not suggesting anti-deppresants by the way. It's just that your post made me think of this.

I'm afraid I don't know what to say. I kind of feel like it's important (to me) to be in a good state of mind to CTB. I want it to be a rational decision. I want it to come across that way too. I plan to lay out all the documents/ID/notes for the police and have everything organised.

I'm curious really- have your suicidal thoughts developed alongside difficulties in planning/organising? I know depression can just destroy energy to do anything. I'm sorry- it must feel awful to feel so desperate but so trapped.

I thought I was suicidal most my life but I only realize with the true level of pain I feel now what being suicidal is

 

[deepblack]

Honestly I would go to the city and go to a less populated area and go jump off a skyscraper

That's not as "easy" for everyone to do as it might sound for some.

I tried that almost 20 years ago and couldn't do it in the end. I mean, I was absolutely determined, also had to arrange the whole thing beforehand. I've chosen a chimney stack of a large hospital, had to figure out for days how and when I could climb up there and all that. Even had to steal a huge ladder from a construction site, to be able to reach the height where there were some old rusty handles that I could use to climb up to the top.
Planned everything, went up there at about 4 am. And then I wasn't able to do it. Sat there for about 20 hours. Nothing to drink, nothing to eat. Sat there and couldn't do it. And guess what? It was totally frightening to climb downstairs again. The idea of having "decided" not to jump, and then to fall while climbing down there was horrific. One of strangest feelings I ever had.
So, "... jump off a skyscraper" is not as "easy" for everyone to do as it might sound for some.

Sorry that I went quite a bit off topic.
I absolutely agree and feel with OP @ScornedStoic
It's pretty much 100% what I'm feeling these days as well.

 

[zekeyaeger]

I can't get a gun and have no idea how to acquire sources of material for devices or chemicals to kill myself with.

The PPH is so long and convoluted and when someone is in the throes of depression and anguish and torment, how is one supposed to work up the energy to figure any of this out

I understand sites like these can't literally walk you through it holding your hand but I'm also at my wits end at this point and seriously dont know what to do, I'm considering something with a much higher survival rate/chaotic like jumping off a building (not that I can find any nor do I know how) or simply trying to jump in front of a truck on a highway, I know that's selfish, but I can't take it anymore each and every day is complete utter torture and there is no way out and I dont have another few years left in me to figure out these complicated mechanisms or recipes, source the needed materials, save up to afford them, test it etc all while not even knowing enough about any of them to know if it will work or which is best

I'm completely distraught, I need to cease existing as soon as possible but that feels impossible and that I have no choice but to try something very risky

yeah, it's not easy to ctb when suicidal because mind can be disoriented.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

I can't get a gun and have no idea how to acquire sources of material for devices or chemicals to kill myself with.

The PPH is so long and convoluted and when someone is in the throes of depression and anguish and torment, how is one supposed to work up the energy to figure any of this out

I understand sites like these can't literally walk you through it holding your hand but I'm also at my wits end at this point and seriously dont know what to do, I'm considering something with a much higher survival rate/chaotic like jumping off a building (not that I can find any nor do I know how) or simply trying to jump in front of a truck on a highway, I know that's selfish, but I can't take it anymore each and every day is complete utter torture and there is no way out and I dont have another few years left in me to figure out these complicated mechanisms or recipes, source the needed materials, save up to afford them, test it etc all while not even knowing enough about any of them to know if it will work or which is best

I'm completely distraught, I need to cease existing as soon as possible but that feels impossible and that I have no choice but to try something very risky

I'm bipolar so I have suicidal depression that often mixes with energy from mania. I plan a lot during those times. Each episode I plan more and more and someday will be ready

It always puzzled me that some anti-depressants warned of suicidal thoughts as a side effect. I always thought- shouldn't they be treating them?!! It must of been here that I read that- people on anti-depressants DO sometimes end up killing themselves. Not because the medication made them suicidal- they were likely feeling that way before- it just maybe gave them more clarity of mind and maybe more energy to act on those thoughts. I'm not suggesting anti-deppresants by the way. It's just that your post made me think of this.

I'm afraid I don't know what to say. I kind of feel like it's important (to me) to be in a good state of mind to CTB. I want it to be a rational decision. I want it to come across that way too. I plan to lay out all the documents/ID/notes for the police and have everything organised.

I'm curious really- have your suicidal thoughts developed alongside difficulties in planning/organising? I know depression can just destroy energy to do anything. I'm sorry- it must feel awful to feel so desperate but so trapped.

I was told the antidepressant thing you mentioned is often a sign of bipolar disorder. Antidepressants induce mania in bipolar disorder so you give someone (potentially undiagnosed with bipolar) an AD and it makes them manic (get more energized) while depressed. Mixed episodes of bipolar aren't commonly heard of if you aren't familiar with bipolar, but they are often the cause of suicide in bipolar disorder. This is how I was diagnosed bipolar after receiving an antidepressant. You are both depressed and manic at the same time so you have the energy to plan suicide