Currently they seem to be inclusive towards suicidal people. One time I was alone with the person who is also a mental wreck similar to me and I shared a lot. But did not mention a suicide forum. I was scared he would ask for the name. I don't want to guide him how to kill himself. If he really wants to he can do the research for himself. In case we became friends I don't know. Only my closest friends (and some other people) know of my presence on here and I want to keep that this way.
When other people are present in this group I keep silent about my suicidality so far. I am sceptical about non-suicidal people with their takes on suicide. I have made pretty horrible experiences also in other self-help groups. I try to analyze the people first before sharing too much. When I was alone with the mental wreck I might shared too much but I felt a real connection to him. I have the feeling many people see him as weird. I won't elaborate why. I think he is also gawked at by normies when he opens up about wanting to die.
I don't want to be in such a vulnerable place in real life. It is completely different to post this in an online forum anonymously.
I think I won't share that much in this self-help group. Especially when random people are present. I need a connection first (in real life) to share very personal things. In such a way the group seems to be pretty superficial. Maybe a way to make new friends (?) Or finding a partner (?) Both is pretty unlikely but not impossible except for a person like me (the latter option with a partner).
So I struggle to open up there. I am scared to be judged for psychotic symptoms. Average people will judge and will probably consider me weird or insane. I am obsessed by what others will think of me. But the paranoia is deeply connected to my issues. Like the love paranoia that fucks my brain. But love is another topic I will probably skip in that group. Because I feel like an extreme loser that I never was in a relationship despite I am in my mid twenties. My psychotic brains ruins everything because it wants it too much. This is so fucking cruel. When I write these words down I experience very severe inner heat. This is often a symptom when I feel deeply entrenched shame. It is similar to the urge of wanting to pull off my own skin (not sure whether that idiom really exists. I wanna skin off my own skin). Interestingly after this extreme heat the temperature got significantly less now. I never read about such a symptom online when reading about mental illness in this relation. But I am very certain I experienced this so often in similar situations.
So psychosis is not a good topic. My honest feelings and plans about suicide are not a good topic either. Maybe except when I am alone with the other wreck. Good nickname. Love is certainly not a good topic. I have the desire so strong and see a very small chance to find someone there. But honestly that I kill myself within the next 2-3 years is so much more likely than to find a partner. Even when I talk with women for too long I turn psychotic afterwards. It is close to impossible to find someone. It rather got worse in the past. I think because my desire for a partner insentifies. So the desire grows while my brain deteriorates. That is a good recipe for a rational suicide (something I am also aiming for - the rational apsect). Sexuality is of course also not a good topic.
From all the taboo topics I mentioned suicide seems to be "the least worse". But also here there are so many parts which could bring me into trouble. I plan to kill myself when my mom dies. I won't share that I am scared to get sent to a psych ward in case that happens. When I talked with this bipolar woman about suicide I also told her I don't tell my therapists alll my secrets about suicide which got her mad at me. I stopped talking to her because suicide was not an appropriate topic for her to discuss online.
So which things could I mention about suicide? I don't know. I don't want to be judged. In another self-help group they scapegoated me for not wanting to get better. It was absurd and it was a lesson for me. I have a pretty strong opinion on suicide and it is very personally for me. I don't need or want debates in order to change my opinion. And when I open up to average people they don't understand me, show no empathy, hurt me because they are overburdened by a person with longterm chronical serious suicidality who is determined to kill himself. I mentioned to "the other wreck" I am in an online place where I discuss mental illness. Not sure whether I will say this in front of others. Saying it is a suicide forum would be a big step. Which I tend not to do. I would never mention the name SaSu. Do you think people might would call the police on me if I opened up about that? I would not rule that out. The online reports label us as monsters and as a death cult.
There are not that many topics left to talk about which mean much to me. Anxiety, performance pressure, depression (but without severe suicidality), fears about poverty. However there is not that much time to talk anyway. I have a way high desire to express myself (as you can see with my threads) listening to others does not give me that much. Especially if they are average people with a halfway decent lives. I can relate to fuck ups though.
This self-help group could never replace this forum for me. This forum gives me so much more support, communion, comfort and empathy. The group is rather a way to connect to people in real life. I think another psychotherapy one-to-one with a therapist would be better anyway.
My self-help group experiences were mediocre so far. But I have met two people to whom I could relate a lot and this was some sort of a gem for me. It was not wasted time. But I am not convinced by it. My main reasons are social connections in real life. An attempt to stay somewhat sane. Just the hypothetical scenario I mentioned SaSu which I won't do. I would already see a crisis intervention team heading to me. That they look down at me for being so immoral to spend time at such a place. Like the things the people in Youtube comments post about us. There are even people whose new video idea is to read out SaSu comments aloud on Youtube. I have not watch it so far but it feels weird.
When other people are present in this group I keep silent about my suicidality so far. I am sceptical about non-suicidal people with their takes on suicide. I have made pretty horrible experiences also in other self-help groups. I try to analyze the people first before sharing too much. When I was alone with the mental wreck I might shared too much but I felt a real connection to him. I have the feeling many people see him as weird. I won't elaborate why. I think he is also gawked at by normies when he opens up about wanting to die.
I don't want to be in such a vulnerable place in real life. It is completely different to post this in an online forum anonymously.
I think I won't share that much in this self-help group. Especially when random people are present. I need a connection first (in real life) to share very personal things. In such a way the group seems to be pretty superficial. Maybe a way to make new friends (?) Or finding a partner (?) Both is pretty unlikely but not impossible except for a person like me (the latter option with a partner).
So I struggle to open up there. I am scared to be judged for psychotic symptoms. Average people will judge and will probably consider me weird or insane. I am obsessed by what others will think of me. But the paranoia is deeply connected to my issues. Like the love paranoia that fucks my brain. But love is another topic I will probably skip in that group. Because I feel like an extreme loser that I never was in a relationship despite I am in my mid twenties. My psychotic brains ruins everything because it wants it too much. This is so fucking cruel. When I write these words down I experience very severe inner heat. This is often a symptom when I feel deeply entrenched shame. It is similar to the urge of wanting to pull off my own skin (not sure whether that idiom really exists. I wanna skin off my own skin). Interestingly after this extreme heat the temperature got significantly less now. I never read about such a symptom online when reading about mental illness in this relation. But I am very certain I experienced this so often in similar situations.
So psychosis is not a good topic. My honest feelings and plans about suicide are not a good topic either. Maybe except when I am alone with the other wreck. Good nickname. Love is certainly not a good topic. I have the desire so strong and see a very small chance to find someone there. But honestly that I kill myself within the next 2-3 years is so much more likely than to find a partner. Even when I talk with women for too long I turn psychotic afterwards. It is close to impossible to find someone. It rather got worse in the past. I think because my desire for a partner insentifies. So the desire grows while my brain deteriorates. That is a good recipe for a rational suicide (something I am also aiming for - the rational apsect). Sexuality is of course also not a good topic.
From all the taboo topics I mentioned suicide seems to be "the least worse". But also here there are so many parts which could bring me into trouble. I plan to kill myself when my mom dies. I won't share that I am scared to get sent to a psych ward in case that happens. When I talked with this bipolar woman about suicide I also told her I don't tell my therapists alll my secrets about suicide which got her mad at me. I stopped talking to her because suicide was not an appropriate topic for her to discuss online.
So which things could I mention about suicide? I don't know. I don't want to be judged. In another self-help group they scapegoated me for not wanting to get better. It was absurd and it was a lesson for me. I have a pretty strong opinion on suicide and it is very personally for me. I don't need or want debates in order to change my opinion. And when I open up to average people they don't understand me, show no empathy, hurt me because they are overburdened by a person with longterm chronical serious suicidality who is determined to kill himself. I mentioned to "the other wreck" I am in an online place where I discuss mental illness. Not sure whether I will say this in front of others. Saying it is a suicide forum would be a big step. Which I tend not to do. I would never mention the name SaSu. Do you think people might would call the police on me if I opened up about that? I would not rule that out. The online reports label us as monsters and as a death cult.
There are not that many topics left to talk about which mean much to me. Anxiety, performance pressure, depression (but without severe suicidality), fears about poverty. However there is not that much time to talk anyway. I have a way high desire to express myself (as you can see with my threads) listening to others does not give me that much. Especially if they are average people with a halfway decent lives. I can relate to fuck ups though.
This self-help group could never replace this forum for me. This forum gives me so much more support, communion, comfort and empathy. The group is rather a way to connect to people in real life. I think another psychotherapy one-to-one with a therapist would be better anyway.
My self-help group experiences were mediocre so far. But I have met two people to whom I could relate a lot and this was some sort of a gem for me. It was not wasted time. But I am not convinced by it. My main reasons are social connections in real life. An attempt to stay somewhat sane. Just the hypothetical scenario I mentioned SaSu which I won't do. I would already see a crisis intervention team heading to me. That they look down at me for being so immoral to spend time at such a place. Like the things the people in Youtube comments post about us. There are even people whose new video idea is to read out SaSu comments aloud on Youtube. I have not watch it so far but it feels weird.
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