Personally, I am a person that tells myself many narratives about myself. And I have the feeling most narratives are bogus. Many narratives seemed to be skewed when I look at them retrospectively. However, there is narrative therapy. And if one finds a narrative about one's own life that makes sense this can helped in the process of healing.
When I was 18 and had my first psychosis I thought my life would be over. I told myself that I would have been so happy and then suddenly the psychosis ruined it. This was so wrong. Now I know with 15 a mixed manic-depressive episode started. I developed suicidal thoughts, internalized the self-hatred and watched gore to cope. This wasn't healthy at all.
I could find some peace with my family when I realized I was on the autism spectrum. I think this is no excuse for beating me up on a daily basis. Actually from a moral standpoints it is probably worse to abuse a special need child like that. But in my family from my dad all men have depression. And I was born autistic. Life would have been rough anyway. Probably not the complete hellhole I am now in since over a decade. But it would have been rough anyway.
One thing that hurts me the most. The thought that I will always remain lonely and cannot find no significant other. But many autistic men struggle with that. I think psychosis and the inability to work makes it harder still.
I have quite some neurodiverse friends. I have one friend that is very very autistic and not self-aware at all. I think his family raised him better. He experienced bullying but not as much as me (I think). He is quite happy with his life. He has a well-paid job and loves life. But his dating prospects are even worse than mine.
I have another autistic friend. He says he wants a significant other. And he gets more matches than me. He doesn't like texting that much. He puts less effort in it. He isn't needy or desperate. He was on a date with a woman and couldn't stand holding hands with her. He hated the notion of getting touched. He seemingly hates this from a young age. In general I have more experiences with women than him. But he is alao really picky when it comes to dating and being in a relationship with someone. Sometimes I benefit when I try to look at dating from this angle. When it comes to romantic relationships I am quite desperate. But if some of the women I texted with would have been men I would have stopped the contact way earlier.
Bullies defend their bullying with the excuse to make their victims harder and more resilient which is bullshit. I think the abuse of my mother had a really bad impact on my development but the bullying made it worse. I struggle a lot with self-hatred, loneliness and my life quality is horrible. I have to say though that I like myself more than my 15 year old me or even before. There was a severe bullying incident with 14 where I was the first time in my life paranoid. And a year later a mixed-manic depressive episode started. I was quite hedonistic beforehand. I weight more than 100 kilogram, ate junkfood all day, wasted my time watching trash TV and being really dissatisfied with myself. But I completely changed in this time period. I lost 35 kilogram within 1 year, educated myself a lot and developed high ambitions. I developed suicidal thoughts though. But I had a lot of motivation to change my life.
Personally, with education and depth I found something that could nurture my soul way better than any junkfood or trash TV I ever consumed. I still think I am too ignorant, I am intellectually a fraud and maybe too arrogant. I think my personality has some weaknesses. I see this with my family we are not good people. I have the genetic components to be a bad person. I see paralleles between me and my dad comparing our ignorance. I still think I have a better character than my dad and a better view on the world. He is racist, votes for the right-wing extreme party and agitates against refugees. I could have ended up like him. Maybe I will end up like him eventually. I still think this journey of suffering and pain taught me intrinsic motivation and (ethical) values I could cling to.
I think education opens doors for a better life. Being able to watch and read content on English on the internet is so extremely valuable. (It enables me to post on this forum for example). My parents cannot do that. I am able to use VPNs and bypass geoblocking. It means more freedom despite the fact that education can also become a prison and a rat race. I am glad I don't weigh over 100 kilogram anymore. I would be scared of health issues like diabetes. And healthy food tastes better and leaves a better feeling inside yourself if you eat it for a few years straight. You can enjoy sweets and other sins way more if you restrict the access to them. I am not sure whether all of this made me more judgemental. For example for people who don't find the motivation. Or whether I became a bully myself. I think the bullying left scars and I see social interactions more like chess games. There is a paradox. I internalized a lot of self-hatred in my journey to become who I am. But when I compare myself to my 15 year old me I prefer my current me. But when I was younger I didn't feel as much self-hatred. Maybe self-hatred has become a tool for self-improvement. I think though over a certain level it is just useless self-torture.
When I was 18 and had my first psychosis I thought my life would be over. I told myself that I would have been so happy and then suddenly the psychosis ruined it. This was so wrong. Now I know with 15 a mixed manic-depressive episode started. I developed suicidal thoughts, internalized the self-hatred and watched gore to cope. This wasn't healthy at all.
I could find some peace with my family when I realized I was on the autism spectrum. I think this is no excuse for beating me up on a daily basis. Actually from a moral standpoints it is probably worse to abuse a special need child like that. But in my family from my dad all men have depression. And I was born autistic. Life would have been rough anyway. Probably not the complete hellhole I am now in since over a decade. But it would have been rough anyway.
One thing that hurts me the most. The thought that I will always remain lonely and cannot find no significant other. But many autistic men struggle with that. I think psychosis and the inability to work makes it harder still.
I have quite some neurodiverse friends. I have one friend that is very very autistic and not self-aware at all. I think his family raised him better. He experienced bullying but not as much as me (I think). He is quite happy with his life. He has a well-paid job and loves life. But his dating prospects are even worse than mine.
I have another autistic friend. He says he wants a significant other. And he gets more matches than me. He doesn't like texting that much. He puts less effort in it. He isn't needy or desperate. He was on a date with a woman and couldn't stand holding hands with her. He hated the notion of getting touched. He seemingly hates this from a young age. In general I have more experiences with women than him. But he is alao really picky when it comes to dating and being in a relationship with someone. Sometimes I benefit when I try to look at dating from this angle. When it comes to romantic relationships I am quite desperate. But if some of the women I texted with would have been men I would have stopped the contact way earlier.
Bullies defend their bullying with the excuse to make their victims harder and more resilient which is bullshit. I think the abuse of my mother had a really bad impact on my development but the bullying made it worse. I struggle a lot with self-hatred, loneliness and my life quality is horrible. I have to say though that I like myself more than my 15 year old me or even before. There was a severe bullying incident with 14 where I was the first time in my life paranoid. And a year later a mixed-manic depressive episode started. I was quite hedonistic beforehand. I weight more than 100 kilogram, ate junkfood all day, wasted my time watching trash TV and being really dissatisfied with myself. But I completely changed in this time period. I lost 35 kilogram within 1 year, educated myself a lot and developed high ambitions. I developed suicidal thoughts though. But I had a lot of motivation to change my life.
Personally, with education and depth I found something that could nurture my soul way better than any junkfood or trash TV I ever consumed. I still think I am too ignorant, I am intellectually a fraud and maybe too arrogant. I think my personality has some weaknesses. I see this with my family we are not good people. I have the genetic components to be a bad person. I see paralleles between me and my dad comparing our ignorance. I still think I have a better character than my dad and a better view on the world. He is racist, votes for the right-wing extreme party and agitates against refugees. I could have ended up like him. Maybe I will end up like him eventually. I still think this journey of suffering and pain taught me intrinsic motivation and (ethical) values I could cling to.
I think education opens doors for a better life. Being able to watch and read content on English on the internet is so extremely valuable. (It enables me to post on this forum for example). My parents cannot do that. I am able to use VPNs and bypass geoblocking. It means more freedom despite the fact that education can also become a prison and a rat race. I am glad I don't weigh over 100 kilogram anymore. I would be scared of health issues like diabetes. And healthy food tastes better and leaves a better feeling inside yourself if you eat it for a few years straight. You can enjoy sweets and other sins way more if you restrict the access to them. I am not sure whether all of this made me more judgemental. For example for people who don't find the motivation. Or whether I became a bully myself. I think the bullying left scars and I see social interactions more like chess games. There is a paradox. I internalized a lot of self-hatred in my journey to become who I am. But when I compare myself to my 15 year old me I prefer my current me. But when I was younger I didn't feel as much self-hatred. Maybe self-hatred has become a tool for self-improvement. I think though over a certain level it is just useless self-torture.
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