Discussion How much leeway do you grant to people who are socially awkward?

[Anxieyote]

It's me. I'm that socially awkward person.

The reason I'm asking is because I'm sick of being alone. I need a real life person to hangout with and talk to. An actual friend group would be nice too.

Everyone has told me "go to a bar" or "go to a nightclub", but I don't think it will be as simple as that. My therapist was honest with me, and said he suspected I may be on the autism spectrum when he first met me because of how I never made eye contact, and I spoke in an overly-articulate way; like I was pronouncing each syllable very carefully.

I also notice that my coworkers are much better at "thinking fast" during conversations, and making each conversational beat sound natural, like experienced tennis players hitting the ball back and forth. Jokes often fly over my head, and sometimes I have a hard time detecting sarcasm, or knowing how to respond when someone is being playful with me. I go "deer in the headlights" a lot during conversations when I encounter a conversational path I've never explored before, or if someone says something that I don't have a prepared response to.

Think "Kevin" from the American version of the Office:



I don't think you can tell a person like me to "just go talk to people", because I assume most people are operating on a '1, 2, 3 strikes, you're out' system when it comes to how they choose their friends and conversational partners. Am I wrong about that?

At the very least, I can tell that I'm treated differently. My coworkers will say things like "hey bud" or "you're doing great, buddy" when they talk to me, which says to me that they consider me to be someone who is not on their level (even though I'm older than most of them). That is a word I've heard mostly to refer to kids or people with obvious mental disabilities. An infantilizing word.

How much leeway do you give to people like that? If you were approached by someone who is a little slow when it comes to social interactions, would you attempt to meet them halfway because you could tell they were at least trying? Or are you less inclined to speak with them after they make a few social mistakes (stuttering, saying something inappropriate by accident, responding too quickly to what you said, not making enough eye contact, etc.)?

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I would try to meet them halfway. It can be very difficult to talk with people, I understand that. Just wish people would try to be kinder and more understanding in general tbh. Life is hard enough, not feeling like you can talk to people makes it so much more difficult.

 

[Sanva]

I'm like this too, autistic and terrible social skilsl

I don't think you can tell a person like me to "just go talk to people", because I assume most people are operating on a '1, 2, 3 strikes, you're out' system when it comes to how they choose their friends and conversational partners

this is exactly why I'm so scared to talk to people. because I feel like once they've established in their mind that I'm weird there's no way for that to change.

in my experience it just depends on the person. a lot of really extroverted people are just happy when someone listens to them, basically all of my friends and partners in the past were people who talked a lot so they didn't care about me being quiet/weird. I think it's hard to generalize. A lot of people aren't understanding because they've simply never experienced this, social interactions come naturally to them. But there are people who don't mind.

 

[Pluto]

Some say that people on the spectrum can get along well with others in the same boat. I don't have any solid advice to give as I am still alone in my 40s.

 

[Gsvko]

It's hard to me to care about people anymore honestly, but before I was this crap, I found atypical people super interesting and loved having them as friends. All the leeway, the weirder the more interesting. Fitting in is overrated, I mean it's a good skill to have and I guess it makes people feel better about themselves. Going out of your comfort zone is gonna be a must I'd say, hope you come across someone kind. I believe social skills can be learned, but learning them sucks.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I am socially awkward so i dont fudgin know. Wish they knew what to do with me though. I often wish some socially active people would just yank me from the home and take me out doing things with me. Never gonna happen though.

 

[Angi]

How much leeway do you give to people like that? If you were approached by someone who is a little slow when it comes to social interactions, would you attempt to meet them halfway because you could tell they were at least trying? Or are you less inclined to speak with them after they make a few social mistakes (stuttering, saying something inappropriate by accident, responding too quickly to what you said, not making enough eye contact, etc.)?

I have two friends on the spectrum. One somewhere close to the center, probably just autistic enough to be diagnosed. The other very far away from where I stand. The latter practiced his social skills a lot before really interacting with me, otherwise we would probably not have gotten anywhere. He practiced remembering names, standing still during conversations, looking into people's eyes when appropriate, spotting rude statements before pronouncing them... I think this is the first step, practice the basics of having a conversation, otherwise you will not have one. I think there is help for this on the internet, and there are therapists who do this with you.

Second step: Meet people. I would not do it in bars or clubs, this must be a terribly hard place to make friends, even without added social barriers. Join a club or group that does something you enjoy (pick the least rejectable activity you can find ;), play board games, work out together, whatever really. Your shared interest will give you a topic to start from with people and the time around them to get comfortable enough to talk to them. This way you do not need to successfully keep a conversation going on the first try. If you have several interests to choose from, you could pick something weird people do. I am socially - lets say a little odd - myself, so I am probably an easier friend to make than your high school's king and queen, and I would be found pursueing hobbies they would not. Put differently, other weird people will probably give weird people more leeway. So find your local weirdo hub

 

[cocainenosejobs]

I usually meet them halfway. They are always more interesting to hang out with

 

[Nolan96]

A lot. More than I used to.
I think most people are too busy carrying on with their lives to put in the effort, or they're annoyed by the roadblock of awkwardness and start looking for reasons to dislike you which they can more comfortably morally rationalize in their heads than "this person's a fuckup".
On the other hand, a lot of people probably don't care nearly as much as the socially awkward person themselves does. It's probably more common for defeatism to isolate someone than explicit rejection on the part of others.

 

[Anxieyote]

I often wish some socially active people would just yank me from the home and take me out doing things with me.

Imagine how awesome it would feel if someone was like, "Hey man, you seem cool. Wanna hangout with us tonight?" and then spent the rest of the evening playing board games and doing casual stuff that resulted in no awkward situations because the environment was so chill.

It's sad that this is a fantasy for us. There are probably millions of people who do this with their friends every night, but we haven't cracked the code to get invited.