Discussion How much does love/relationship issues (or even a lack of) contribute to your need to CTB?

[Account unknown]

I know this kind of thing can often be seen as a "childish" or a "silly" reason to want to CTB or even brushed off as not being serious/"you'll just get over it" but… of all the issues I have this is the one that always drives me back to needing to CTB no matter how much I think I've gotten better… and of all the things I could want in life, there is nothing I want more than someone to just genuinely love me and be able to share our lives together, have a family etc but it seems to be the one thing I can never have.

I have had quite a few relationships but I have never had a healthy relationship in my life no doubt in large part due to myself and my own mental health issues and in part due to the people I end up with (almost exclusively cheaters and the most recent one left me on my birthday not too long ago for someone else). I am unable to be happy in a relationship, I am unable to be loved but it's the one thing I want more than anything that would actually give me reason to live and without it I'm even more miserable.

My mental health has deteriorated to the point where finding what I want would be impossible now anyway and even if that wasn't the case no matter how much I've always wanted a family, I'd have to worry about my children inheriting my mental health problems also and the guilt I would feel would be immeasurable.

Sorry that this turned into more of a poorly written, extremely long scatter-brained rant and thank you to anyone who actually bothered and had the patience to read this drivel.

I just wanted to know if problems like these were serious major contributing factors to anyone else's need to CTB? Perhaps you've never had a relationship or been loved and you're lonely? Maybe you've had lots of toxic relationships? Maybe you have no interest at all or need for that kind of thing? Thanks.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is not a childish reason, after all we have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing, and we do not need to justify our reasons for leaving.
Personally, I have no interest in relationships, I cannot stand people. I think relationships just seem to cause people pain. If you love something, it is just something to lose.

 

[...]

Yep, relationships are by far the most stigmatised reason for CTB on this website. Everyone is so pro-choice until you tell them that a breakup is a factor in your mental state and then they tell you how dumb it is to kill yourself over someone.

The love of my life left me on our anniversary of getting together. If I was 40 years older and been married for decades and I CTBed after a divorce, more people would be accepting. But because I'm young they assume it's just a first love school sweetheart thing. Even though I have nearly all the experiences of grief as life-time partners (I see her imprint everywhere in daily life, I only ever pictured a future with her, and I shared all my interests, hobbies and desires with her etc etc) I get told to simply get over her, move on, go out and have fun, focus on yourself, there's plenty other fish in the sea, and all that other bull crap which if you told someone in a psych ward you would rightly be told to fuck off.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My love was my muse and reason for life. She left and my world drained of color. Nothing to live for. And so this.

 

[...]

My love was my muse and reason for life. She left and my world drained of color. Nothing to live for. And so this.

Pre love I had my own desires, goals and ambitions but in the pursuit of loving someone you share everything you have and they become your life. Without them there simply is no point. Losing everything comes with losing them.

 

[cambrai33]

I am emotionally detached, in that I can't accept anyones love or affection but I feel so much for others.

Nobody can lesser what makes a person want to ctb because these are the things that matter to you personally. If you have the capacity to love or indeed to be loved then for me that would mean there is some hope however small.

I never believe in looking for love but that it hits you when you don't expect it, a contradiction to what I just said but life is full of them

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Pre love I had my own desires, goals and ambitions but in the pursuit of loving someone you share everything you have and they become your life. Without them there simply is no point. Losing everything comes with losing them.

So true. I spend my time going over everything we did together. The closest I can come to being with her again. I appreciated her at the time. But of course I appreciate her even more now. And I think what could I have done differently.

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

Yes, I never had a relationship/hookup. So yes, the lack of intimacy/love is one of my reasons to CTB.

 

[yive]

Yep, relationships are by far the most stigmatised reason for CTB on this website. Everyone is so pro-choice until you tell them that a breakup is a factor in your mental state and then they tell you how dumb it is to kill yourself over someone.

you hit the nail right in the head. oh, it's a sad truth. it's really disgusting to see how even here people with such belligerence and disrespect devalue someone else's pain. ppl are psychopathic shit. definitely not everyone is able to understand this terrible state in which we find ourselves

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

you hit the nail right in the head. oh, it's a sad truth. it's really disgusting to see how even here people with such belligerence and disrespect devalue someone else's pain. ppl are psychopathic shit. definitely not everyone is able to understand this terrible state in which we find ourselves

Well I,for one, understand how you feel… Human beings are social creatures… We are not meant to live our lives in isolation… 100,000 years ago if you were cast out of the tribe it meant you were going to die… So losing somebody, Can mean losing meaning and purpose and connection… Can mean being cast of the tribe to die… Breaking up with the love of your life can equal death…

 

[Callie Arcale]

I guess I'd feel less suicidal if I was in a relationship with someone who loved me and who I loved. It'd give me strength and courage to face the long years of chronic illness that lay ahead. It wouldn't be much fun for them, though. Imagine being stuck with someone who is ill 24/7 and bed bound… No fun at all.

Breaking up with the love of your life can equal death…

I lost the love of my life and nothing has ever filled the hole in my heart. And nothing ever will. That pain will cease only when I die.

 

[HappyForever?]

The loneliness that comes from being ugly and short is the sole reason I want to CTB.

 

[Samsara]

I know this kind of thing can often be seen as a "childish" or a "silly" reason to want to CTB or even brushed off as not being serious/"you'll just get over it" but… of all the issues I have this is the one that always drives me back to needing to CTB no matter how much I think I've gotten better… and of all the things I could want in life, there is nothing I want more than someone to just genuinely love me and be able to share our lives together, have a family etc but it seems to be the one thing I can never have.

I have had quite a few relationships but I have never had a healthy relationship in my life no doubt in large part due to myself and my own mental health issues and in part due to the people I end up with (almost exclusively cheaters and the most recent one left me on my birthday not too long ago for someone else). I am unable to be happy in a relationship, I am unable to be loved but it's the one thing I want more than anything that would actually give me reason to live and without it I'm even more miserable.

My mental health has deteriorated to the point where finding what I want would be impossible now anyway and even if that wasn't the case no matter how much I've always wanted a family, I'd have to worry about my children inheriting my mental health problems also and the guilt I would feel would be immeasurable.

Sorry that this turned into more of a poorly written, extremely long scatter-brained rant and thank you to anyone who actually bothered and had the patience to read this drivel.

I just wanted to know if problems like these were serious major contributing factors to anyone else's need to CTB? Perhaps you've never had a relationship or been loved and you're lonely? Maybe you've had lots of toxic relationships? Maybe you have no interest at all or need for that kind of thing? Thanks.

Not silly at all, large part of my reason for ctb. Getting old, actually likely too old to start a family with the trajectory my career is taking. So I relate a lot with your reasons for ctb

 

[dss262]

I know this kind of thing can often be seen as a "childish" or a "silly" reason to want to CTB or even brushed off as not being serious/"you'll just get over it" but… of all the issues I have this is the one that always drives me back to needing to CTB no matter how much I think I've gotten better… and of all the things I could want in life, there is nothing I want more than someone to just genuinely love me and be able to share our lives together, have a family etc but it seems to be the one thing I can never have.

I have had quite a few relationships but I have never had a healthy relationship in my life no doubt in large part due to myself and my own mental health issues and in part due to the people I end up with (almost exclusively cheaters and the most recent one left me on my birthday not too long ago for someone else). I am unable to be happy in a relationship, I am unable to be loved but it's the one thing I want more than anything that would actually give me reason to live and without it I'm even more miserable.

My mental health has deteriorated to the point where finding what I want would be impossible now anyway and even if that wasn't the case no matter how much I've always wanted a family, I'd have to worry about my children inheriting my mental health problems also and the guilt I would feel would be immeasurable.

Sorry that this turned into more of a poorly written, extremely long scatter-brained rant and thank you to anyone who actually bothered and had the patience to read this drivel.

I just wanted to know if problems like these were serious major contributing factors to anyone else's need to CTB? Perhaps you've never had a relationship or been loved and you're lonely? Maybe you've had lots of toxic relationships? Maybe you have no interest at all or need for that kind of thing? Thanks.

I've only had 2 relationships, the first was codependent at best but the second was extremely toxic. It's a human need to connect with the others. For me, it's hard to make friends so I've always been looking for my "person", my everything. Both of my relationships were extremely close for a time but there were always needs not being met or too much of certain things to fill a hole. Idk, that's just my idea on that.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Almost exclusively, this sort of thing is the root of all my current misery.

Not having a job sucks too but the main reason I'm just not motivated enough to get one is because why wageslave when there's no one else to wageslave for? Certainly not myself. Almost all of my self hatred comes from how much I've screwed up over the years when it comes to my opportunities to find a partner but at this point there's no going back and I pretty much have to CTB to punish myself for being this idiotic because even if I did get into a relationship at this point, my horribleness would probably just traumatize anyone I tried to be with anyway.

I don't care if this reason is childish. My reasons for staying alive for now are equally childish so to discard my immaturity overall would give me even less reason to want to live. I'm aware that my inexperience is basically digging me even deeper and I'm sorry to say it's too late to even bother climbing up at this point.

 

[...]

why wageslave when there's no one else to wageslave for?

this this this. my productivity goes from 100% to 0%. same with just general self-improvement. i want to improve my relationship by improving myself. it's why ending a relationship "to grow" sounds like the biggest fucking cop out for me. the concept of being stagnant just because you are in a relationship is so full of shit.

 

[dss262]

Almost exclusively, this sort of thing is the root of all my current misery.

Not having a job sucks too but the main reason I'm just not motivated enough to get one is because why wageslave when there's no one else to wageslave for? Certainly not myself. Almost all of my self hatred comes from how much I've screwed up over the years when it comes to my opportunities to find a partner but at this point there's no going back and I pretty much have to CTB to punish myself for being this idiotic because even if I did get into a relationship at this point, my horribleness would probably just traumatize anyone I tried to be with anyway.

I don't care if this reason is childish. My reasons for staying alive for now are equally childish so to discard my immaturity overall would give me even less reason to want to live. I'm aware that my inexperience is basically digging me even deeper and I'm sorry to say it's too late to even bother climbing up at this point.

I get it. I work to pay the bills. I could try and get a better paying one with bells and whistles but I'll still be on the hamster wheel but with higher stakes. Sometimes I wonder if I could take up an exciting sport like racing cars, I could have fun and maybe speed stuff up.

 

[enau]

every contact wwith other human being destroyed a little more my soul.Im unable to be in contact /relationship with my own being-human personn xD

 

[Darkover]

relationship break up made me extremely bitter to the point where i could never trust anyone ever again, you get one chance with me, maybe if someone had been around to replace her immediately i wouldn't of got so bitter and had a mental breakdown, the thought of me never being able to have sex again drove me to despair, they where extremely dark times i was still grieving the loss for like 4 years afterwards each and every day afterwards the amount of misery i went through was unbelievable, life would be much better if i never had any sexual urges to begin with

 

[marinekiwi]

relationship break up made me extremely bitter to the point where i could never trust anyone ever again, you get one chance with me, maybe if someone had been around to replace her immediately i wouldn't of got so bitter and had a mental breakdown, the thought of me never being able to have sex again drove me to despair, they where extremely dark times i was still grieving the loss for like 4 years afterwards each and every day afterwards the amount of misery i went through was unbelievable, life would be much better if i never had any sexual urges to begin with

I'm sorry you've suffered so much. Grieving someone for 4 years must be nightmare stuff. You sound like your lost one was truly the love of your life.
Hope you feel better about it by now.

 

[nerve]

I'm too ill and too crazy and not pretty enough for a relationship. I had an unhealthy and unequal one based on power imbalances, but that fell apart. We met when I was 17 so the only thing I really had going for me back then was that I was young. Ten years later, not so much. I don't think any sane man would choose a 27-year-old over a 17-year old. If they did, they'd spend the entire relationship wishing I was younger as I just get older and older. I don't want to put someone through that. I was never physically attracted to my ex and it sucked. Even when I was younger though, he still slept with other women and had other girlfriends so I guess wasn't good enough for even him back then.

I'd have to do a lot of things for another relationship to be plausible at my age:

• Lose at least 50 pounds
• Become less crazy
• Get a lot of cosmetic surgery
• Really work on my personality

Any one of those is kind of a stretch, so it's safe to assume I'm not going to get all of them done. I tried to tell myself that it's okay, that this part of my life is over and at least I can have friends or hobbies (turns out I'm too crazy for one of those too lol) and maybe this is for the better. I don't want to turn into an angry incel type, so I tried to focus on other parts of my life, but at some point I just couldn't keep lying to myself. I don't want to go through this alone and single for the rest of my life. When I was a kid, the one thing about adulthood I was most looking forward to was dating people, having a boyfriend, getting married, building a life with someone, etc. etc. but life had other plans as usual. I'm not proud of it, but I can't stop grieving for the life I'll never get a chance to have and it's a big thing pushing me to ctb.

 

[inabsentia]

It very much is a contributing factor. I don't think it's fair to see something like a breakup as a 'childish' reason - if that can drive someone to the level of pain where they'd consider ctb, then evidently there's other underlying issues too.

For me a couple of recent relationships have really made me realise how hopeless I feel about everything deep down and how little I want to experience any sort of future. It's not a temporary thing that I know will go away… it's a sense of meaninglessness that's been around for a long time.

Each to their own I guess though?

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Without a doubt it contributes. When you love someone with everything you have, and it still isn't enough, then it changes you for good.

It is no different from someone close to you dying in your life, and I mean that. The grief is as heavy, sometimes even moreso because you can feel your memory decaying and the past being rewritten. The love you had to give, your qualities as a person, the potential for the future with you, is considered very carefully and is still terminated (this is truely, utterly painful). By someone who had no choice - as they could not see a future with you, and their happiness matters the most to them (as it should).

It is a catastrophe of the mind and it personally has left me feeling permanently stranded, even if to outsiders it appears that I am well-adjusted. "You will have to choice but to get over me. My fear of you staying outweighs my care for you". This was incorrect. A peaceful suicide is a rational decision to escape having your mind rented out by someone who doesn't think about you anymore. If you have the right to pretend I no longer exist, then I also have the right to no longer exist.


I suspect that the vast majority of people never fully recovers from a certain someone who left them, or whom they were forced to leave due to circumstances. I base this on reading countless forums and from talking to many people on the matter. Also, Tinder is full of people getting over exes.

 

[Pattonman42]

I would say before my recent ex broke up with me, the solitude didn't bother me or affect my already assumed ending. I had been in relationships prior to her, to varying degrees of what constitutes a "relationship", and when those ended, I would get depressed but nothing that lasted for more than a couple of days at most. But the loss of my recent ex from my life has really shattered me. For the first time in my life I felt I could truly be myself, I could share all of myself with her without being judged. I love(d) her with all of myself and more, and to this day despite everything that transpired between us, I feel nothing but love for her and would do absolutely anything for her. But in her absence I have come to some very depressing and pathetic conclusions about myself. I've always planned on ctb anyway, long before I ever knew my ex, but not being able to see her, talk to her, message her, has literally shattered me. I feel like my sense of self has been shattered, whatever cracks were already in my foundation have become far more serious. I can no longer hold a job, talk to family/friends, be around people in general, or really even focus on art (which prior to all of this was my purpose for living). I have lost my reason for being and see no more reason to put off ctb for the couple of years I had planned to continue living.