Help How much do I really want to CTB/how badly do I have to want it?

[TotallyIsolated]

I have made only half hearted attempts in the past. I gathered pills together but I wouldn't take them. I drove to beachy head but I could only bring myself to sit *near* the edge. I stood on the railing of a motorway bridge that was so low to the ground it would have barely broken my ankles.

I'm not even sure whether they count as attempts - not really. Part of me knew I wouldn't do it. Honestly Im embarrassed and ashamed to think of myself as being suicidal when thats the best I've got. I feel like a pathetic petulant child just trying to manipulate people to get what I want.

I actually have quite a comfortable life. I have a roof over my head, and though I'm unemployed I had enough saved up to keep paying the rent. I'm able-bodied and I have good friends and a family who love me. I really feel like I dont *DESERVE* to feel suicidal - like I don't have it bad enough to be upset. Maybe its selfishness.

I'm feeling really desperate lately and I'm considering hanging or maybe SN, but I cant help but feel like I don't really mean it. I could really mess up what little life I have left if I get to the brink and then change my mind again.

Can anyone relate?

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Hey, I may be completely drunk right now, but don't ever think you don't have a good reason. No matter what anyone's problems are, if they are what that person has struggled with, then that may be more than enough for that person. That being said, if you truly feel that you don't want it to end this way, then search for what you can hold onto, your lifeline. We can't really determine, since we all have gone through our own experiences in this thing we call life, but know this much. No matter what you feel or choose, this community is actually here for you, as long as most of us can be.

I can relate, myself, to an extent. It's why I haven't decided when to CTB as of yet, in the vain hopes that something will come to pass. Even though my experience has taught me it won't, I feel I can at least attempt to be a light for others, even if I failed at being one for myself. You may be alone, right now, but you aren't alone, if that makes sense. Apologies for the drunken ramblings of one that has given up, but couldn't stand to see you think you don't deserve to think the way you currently are. Truly hope this post isn't taken wrong.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Thank you. I admit that I'd prefer to try to recover, but I've reach an impasse in life. Its been about 10 years since I got a proper diagnosis now (though I'm pretty sure I've been depressed since childhood). I've tried so hard to turn things around, but in all this time I've made such little progress and I've given all I have to give. If things were going to get better they would have started looking up by now. My therapist keeps telling me how pleased he is with the progress I've made but I don't see it. I've been living on borrowed time since I quit my job, and I just don't have it in me to pick myself up and carry on again. Theres no forward momentum in my life, and I've already used up every last coping resource I have. The future terrifies me and its getting too close to ignore any more.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

I've been jobless for a couple of months, myself. For once, due to others rather than my own problems, but still. So that one, I can truly relate to. Far be it for me to tell anyone not to give up, but you truly do seem to be struggling to find a reason to persist, rather than to call it quits, as many of us have. Try to focus on yourself, meditate or whatever it is you do, for yourself, to retreat into a proper personal space to contemplate. I agree, the future is terrifying, especially with the direction it seems to be heading and in regards to future generations. But, if you don't feel ending it is the right path, then at least attempt to find an alternative, whether it be playing video games, watching/creating youtube videos, making a book/documentary or what have you.

Your therapist for the most part, are just doing what they've been taught to do. Whether that be via reverse psychology or due to a paycheck. The only one that can come to a realization or answer, is you. I'm sure a very big portion of us have either been or are currently going through what you are, so not attempting to belittle your situation one bit.

If the future is terrifying you and you are as, I'm assuming, financially stable, as you say you are. Then mayhap find something that will cement the future YOU want to happen, for YOU. Everything else I've stated, as been my personal input and opinion, so please don't take it to heart as if I'm trying to project. We are all still here for you, no matter the choice, but you have to come to terms with what resonates strongest in your heart.