How many parents do we have here?

[seekingoblivion]

I'm just curious. And maybe you can share your stories? I imagine it must the worst thing to be suicidal when you have kids to raise.

 

[Roberto]

No.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I am a mother.
The worst part for me is knowing when I ctb she may grow up and feel like I abandoned her. I did my best to prevent getting pregnant because of my suicidal tendencies, and it terrified me when I found out I was. Sometimes I feel suffocatingly stuck and even more forced into living a life I never asked for, and other times I don't care who it hurts if I ctb.
Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything and want the absolute best for her..I just firmly believe I am not what is best for her. She definitely deserves more than I could ever hope to give her, and I feel I cheated her out of everything she could have had by choosing to keep her instead of giving her up for adoption. I stupidly thought after she was born I would be okay enough to raise her and be what she needs, and for a short while it seemed that was true. But it was inevitable for me to go right back to feeling this way, I just was too blinded by mommy-hormones to see it.

 

[Pickles79]

I'm a mother of 2. It really hurts to think about how they would handle it. But I feel like they would be better off without me. I'm a complete failure at life. I love them so much and it's what has stopped me from ctb in the past. I always wonder if I should wait until they are older or if younger is better...I don't know...

 

[seekingoblivion]

I am a mother.
The worst part for me is knowing when I ctb she may grow up and feel like I abandoned her. I did my best to prevent getting pregnant because of my suicidal tendencies, and it terrified me when I found out I was. Sometimes I feel suffocatingly stuck and even more forced into living a life I never asked for, and other times I don't care who it hurts if I ctb.
Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything and want the absolute best for her..I just firmly believe I am not what is best for her. She definitely deserves more than I could ever hope to give her, and I feel I cheated her out of everything she could have had by choosing to keep her instead of giving her up for adoption. I stupidly thought after she was born I would be okay enough to raise her and be what she needs, and for a short while it seemed that was true. But it was inevitable for me to go right back to feeling this way, I just was too blinded by mommy-hormones to see it.

You're actually the reason I made this post. It breaks my heart knowing you have a kid and both you and your husband are suicidal. I totally get the suffocatingly stuck thing. I feel that way sometimes when I think about my nephew. Similarly I totally get how it can all feel like too much and you just say fuck it and unconcern yourself with who might get hurt by your suicide.

I don't know if this will mean anything coming from a suicidal weirdo you met on a suicide forum but I think you're the best for your kid. You love your kid more than anything and I don't think there's much that can compare to that kind of love coming from a mother. She needs to keep feeling that I believe. And I believe that you can give her a lot more than you realize as a mom. But I know it's incredibly difficult though. All I can say is I'm truly sorry.

I'm a mother of 2. It really hurts to think about how they would handle it. But I feel like they would be better off without me. I'm a complete failure at life. I love them so much and it's what has stopped me from ctb in the past. I always wonder if I should wait until they are older or if younger is better...I don't know...

I'm sorry. I really wish you didn't have to deal with those feelings. I understand how it can feel like people would be better off without you but it's almost never really true. Especially with kids. But I know it can be hard to believe that. I'm sorry. I would say if you were to do it older might be better. The younger kids are the more they need the kind of love that a loving and caring mother can provide I feel. I just don't know what age you'd feel they'd be old enough. I just hope things get better enough for you to not want to go through with it.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

You're actually the reason I made this post. It breaks my heart knowing you have a kid and both you and your husband are suicidal. I totally get the suffocatingly stuck thing. I feel that way sometimes when I think about my nephew. Similarly I totally get how it can all feel like too much and you just say fuck it and unconcern yourself with who might get hurt by your suicide.

I don't know if this will mean anything coming from a suicidal weirdo you met on a suicide forum but I think you're the best for your kid. You love your kid more than anything and I don't think there's much that can compare to that kind of love coming from a mother. She needs to keep feeling that I believe. And I believe that you can give her a lot more than you realize as a mom. But I know it's incredibly difficult though. All I can say is I'm truly sorry.

I do appreciate your thoughts on the matter, it does mean a lot...I think this post is important because it isn't just parents that feel this sort of stuck. Like you mentioned, it could be a nephew or niece or mother or sibling etc etc that you feel you have to protect from yourself and choices you're making, including any decisions and outcomes with ctb.

 

[Marawa]

it's also a terrible thing with grown kids that don't care

 

[lost_soul83]

Yes, I have a soon to be 17 year old son, who is disabled. This is by far the worst thing about having suicidal feelings for me because I feel like the worst person in the world for wanting to leave him behind.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

Yes, I have a soon to be 17 year old son, who is disabled. This is by far the worst thing about having suicidal feelings for me because I feel like the worst person in the world for wanting to leave him behind.

Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't sound like you want to leave him behind. It sounds like you have a lot of pain and struggles within yourself that you want to end. It's difficult, understandably so, being a parent with thoughts of ending your own life. I'm sure there's a lot more involved with someone who needs extra care such as your son, like what will happen to them afterwards and who will take care of them in your place?
I can see why you feel and see it the way you do, though, but I don't think you're the horrible person you feel you are.

 

[Pickles79]

You're actually the reason I made this post. It breaks my heart knowing you have a kid and both you and your husband are suicidal. I totally get the suffocatingly stuck thing. I feel that way sometimes when I think about my nephew. Similarly I totally get how it can all feel like too much and you just say fuck it and unconcern yourself with who might get hurt by your suicide.

I don't know if this will mean anything coming from a suicidal weirdo you met on a suicide forum but I think you're the best for your kid. You love your kid more than anything and I don't think there's much that can compare to that kind of love coming from a mother. She needs to keep feeling that I believe. And I believe that you can give her a lot more than you realize as a mom. But I know it's incredibly difficult though. All I can say is I'm truly sorry.

I'm sorry. I really wish you didn't have to deal with those feelings. I understand how it can feel like people would be better off without you but it's almost never really true. Especially with kids. But I know it can be hard to believe that. I'm sorry. I would say if you were to do it older might be better. The younger kids are the more they need the kind of love that a loving and caring mother can provide I feel. I just don't know what age you'd feel they'd be old enough. I just hope things get better enough for you to not want to go through with it.

Thank you for your thoughts. I really don't know what age would be best. I do want things to be better and I wish I could be the mom they need. I have social anxiety/phobia. They don't understand why I'm so afraid to take them places and go to their school functions. It's just so hard.

 

[seekingoblivion]

it's also a terrible thing with grown kids that don't care

I'm sorry. How old are your kids? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[Marawa]

I'm sorry. How old are your kids? If you don't mind me asking.

32 & 2 grandkids I've never met. I'm sure he would describe me as the way I see mothers described here so I probably deserve it

 

[seekingoblivion]

Yes, I have a soon to be 17 year old son, who is disabled. This is by far the worst thing about having suicidal feelings for me because I feel like the worst person in the world for wanting to leave him behind.

Oh man I can't imagine what you go through. I'm so sorry. You're not a bad person for wanting to leave. You should know that. And it sounds like you just want to leave but not leave him. I don't know what's brought you enough pain to want to ctb but I can guarantee it's not your fault. You've been in what I imagine to be a really hard struggle and it's totally understandable that you would want to find an exit. I really hope things get better for you and you can find enough happiness to keep you wanting to live. I'm so sorry.

32 & 2 grandkids I've never met. I'm sure he would describe me as the way I see mothers described here so I probably deserve it

I'm sorry about that. Is it okay if I ask what it is that makes you feel this way?

Thank you for your thoughts. I really don't know what age would be best. I do want things to be better and I wish I could be the mom they need. I have social anxiety/phobia. They don't understand why I'm so afraid to take them places and go to their school functions. It's just so hard.

I think it's important that they know you've got anxiety versus just figuring that you don't really care about their happiness and their lives. Even if they don't quite understand why yet I feel it's important that they know the difference. I've gotten better at being social though it still makes my skin crawl when there's a function or whatever and I have to meet new people.
Have you explored ways that could possibly help ease the anxiety you get in social situations?

I do appreciate your thoughts on the matter, it does mean a lot...I think this post is important because it isn't just parents that feel this sort of stuck. Like you mentioned, it could be a nephew or niece or mother or sibling etc etc that you feel you have to protect from yourself and choices you're making, including any decisions and outcomes with ctb.

Yes the feeling comes about when I think about my mother and also my best friend.

 

[Lara Francis]

I'm just curious. And maybe you can share your stories? I imagine it must the worst thing to be suicidal when you have kids to raise.

It adds so much more pressure and stress to what is already a very difficult time.
Throwing guilt and shame into the cocktail of emotions you are aleady overwelmed with.

 

[Pickles79]

think it's important that they know you've got anxiety versus just figuring that you don't really care about their happiness and their lives. Even if they don't quite understand why yet I feel it's important that they know the difference. I've gotten better at being social though it still makes my skin crawl when there's a function or whatever and I have to meet new people.
Have you explored ways that could possibly help ease the anxiety you get in social situations?

I think the older one would get it but not sure the younger. You are right the conversation needs to happen at some point. I was in therapy 2 years and partial hospital programs. Worked on grounding and breathing and exposure therapy and meds but nothing has really helped. If I get scared enough I just want to run away. I'm sorry you deal with that too.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I think the older one would get it but not sure the younger. You are right the conversation needs to happen at some point. I was in therapy 2 years and partial hospital programs. Worked on grounding and breathing and exposure therapy and meds but nothing has really helped. If I get scared enough I just want to run away. I'm sorry you deal with that too.

My goodness I'm sorry. After 2 years I think you should have gotten something significant out of it. May I ask in what type of social situation you feel the least anxious?

 

[Santiago]

Yes, I have a soon to be 17 year old son, who is disabled. This is by far the worst thing about having suicidal feelings for me because I feel like the worst person in the world for wanting to leave him behind.

Damn that got me for some reason. Couldn't imagine that situation at all. Your thoughts must be all over the place.

 

[seekingoblivion]

It adds so much more pressure and stress to what is already a very difficult time.
Throwing guilt and shame into the cocktail of emotions you are aleady overwelmed with.

I feel that too with regards to the people I would be leaving behind. Especially my nephew, my mom and my best friend. But I imagine it's a stronger feeling when you have kids. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. I really hope things get better for you and you can live without all these negative emotions. How many kids do you have?

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

I am a mother.
The worst part for me is knowing when I ctb she may grow up and feel like I abandoned her. I did my best to prevent getting pregnant because of my suicidal tendencies, and it terrified me when I found out I was. Sometimes I feel suffocatingly stuck and even more forced into living a life I never asked for, and other times I don't care who it hurts if I ctb.
Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything and want the absolute best for her..I just firmly believe I am not what is best for her. She definitely deserves more than I could ever hope to give her, and I feel I cheated her out of everything she could have had by choosing to keep her instead of giving her up for adoption. I stupidly thought after she was born I would be okay enough to raise her and be what she needs, and for a short while it seemed that was true. But it was inevitable for me to go right back to feeling this way, I just was too blinded by mommy-hormones to see it.

This is the fear I have of getting pregnant. I've been unstable for most of my life. At times things are okay. But most times I'm in this sunken state of sadness and despair. I really don't think I'd be a good fit to be a mother.

 

[Lara Francis]

I feel that too with regards to the people I would be leaving behind. Especially my nephew, my mom and my best friend. But I imagine it's a stronger feeling when you have kids. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. I really hope things get better for you and you can live without all these negative emotions. How many kids do you have?

Thanku
I wish that i could pull myself around but dont think its ever going to happen despite all my previous efforts.
I am a widow and our only child is now 10.x

 

[seekingoblivion]

I am a widow and our only child is now 10.x

I'm so sorry to hear that. It must be very hard raising your child without the father. I'm so sorry.

Thanku
I wish that i could pull myself around but dont think its ever going to happen despite all my previous efforts.

I'm sorry you feel that way. May I ask what your biggest battles are right now? What are you feeling and dealing with? I'm sorry if what I'm asking is too personal. You don't have to answer if you don't feel like it.

 

[Ruffian]

it's also a terrible thing with grown kids that don't care

Oh no! That sounds awful - I am really sorry to hear that. I am not even really close to my parents, but damn.i can't imagine saying I didn't care.

 

[Marawa]

it is but let him tell it I'm poison to him. maybe I was not intentionally but that's his truth I guess. or he's a self absorbed lying piece of shit. whose to judge

 

[Ruffian]

This is the fear I have of getting pregnant. I've been unstable for most of my life. At times things are okay. But most times I'm in this sunken state of sadness and despair. I really don't think I'd be a good fit to be a mother.

Yes, I lost my virginity early. I think I might have had sex like 10 times in my life without birth control until menopausal & stopped getting my period. I knew I didn't want ever want children because of being so emotionally unstable.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

This is the fear I have of getting pregnant. I've been unstable for most of my life. At times things are okay. But most times I'm in this sunken state of sadness and despair. I really don't think I'd be a good fit to be a mother.

I thought the same thing. It's terrifying to find out suddenly you're entirely responsible for this other tiny human that will be completely dependent on you for literally everything, and it's even more frightening when you add in the thoughts of ctb. A kod just adds more to stress about when it comes to decisions like that, and you have to put a lot of thought into what will happen to him/her afterwards.
I feel what you're saying, it resonated with me very deeply. I want to say that having a child has been one of the greatest and happiest experiences of my life, it's just also the most terrifying. It doesn't fix any problems, especially when it comes to suicidal thinking, and can create so many more (just like money).
I'm sorry you have experienced the same doubt and worry and fears I have when it comes to pregnancy. I wish the best for you

 

[Pickles79]

I feel that too with regards to the people I would be leaving behind. Especially my nephew, my mom and my best friend. But I imagine it's a stronger feeling when you have kids. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. I really hope things get better for you and you can live without all these negative emotions. How many kids do you have?

My goodness I'm sorry. After 2 years I think you should have gotten something significant out of it. May I ask in what type of social situation you feel the least anxious?

It would definitely be a situation where I know everyone really well. Although I notice that I even have reservations getting together with family. Being judged. The fear is just almost always there. I hate it. Someone in my family said that I choose fear over them...that really hurt. I don't think I choose it it's just there!

 

[seekingoblivion]

It would definitely be a situation where I know everyone really well. Although I notice that I even have reservations getting together with family. Being judged. The fear is just almost always there. I hate it. Someone in my family said that I choose fear over them...that really hurt. I don't think I choose it it's just there!

Whoever said that is ignorant of what you actually go through. Most people like to think they're in control when in fact they're just lucky and they don't know it. I'm sorry they hurt you with that statement. I get very anxious when I have to go for a family gathering too. Unless I'm hanging around someone I'm really comfortable with I'm gonna spend my time feeling awkward and just wandering from person to person trying to be social but all the while feeling like crap. I drink a lot during such things.

 

[Pickles79]

Whoever said that is ignorant of what you actually go through. Most people like to think they're in control when in fact they're just lucky and they don't know it. I'm sorry they hurt you with that statement. I get very anxious when I have to go for a family gathering too. Unless I'm hanging around someone I'm really comfortable with I'm gonna spend my time feeling awkward and just wandering from person to person trying to be social but all the while feeling like crap. I drink a lot during such things.

Yes!!! I feel the same way and you are right drinking does help a little. I wish I actually liked alcohol lol. I'm sitting in the middle of the woods right now alone. I love it here. Just sitting on a log. Peace and quiet. :)

 

[Bloodtearsdust]

I am staying around for my kids. I love them too much to put them through anything. I'm trying to get help instead. But it's hard. I am up and down. It's the anti-depressants that brought me here. I get it.. it's chemical... but they do exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to do. They make me want to end things. Ironically reading people's posts on this forum helps me keep going. I guess maybe it's the freedom and lack of oppression to be able to speak and accept my dark thoughts as just a part of me. It's like acknowledging a piece that I've never been allowed to share.., or I could.. but the consequences. Blending in makes me invisible to a degree which is better for the family

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I am staying around for my kids. I love them too much to put them through anything. I'm trying to get help instead. But it's hard. I am up and down. It's the anti-depressants that brought me here. I get it.. it's chemical... but they do exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to do. They make me want to end things. Ironically reading people's posts on this forum helps me keep going. I guess maybe it's the freedom and lack of oppression to be able to speak and accept my dark thoughts as just a part of me. It's like acknowledging a piece that I've never been allowed to share.., or I could.. but the consequences. Blending in makes me invisible to a degree which is better for the family

Have you told whoever prescribed your antidepressants that it makes it worse?? That's a sign you're not on the right ones, if you've been taking them for a while now.
You're strong for choosing to stay alive and for facing these struggles and working on them for your children. I'm sorry it's proving to be a very difficult thing for you, and I wish you the best. I hope something works for you to live a life in peace with yourself for you and your kids.