D

Daffodil

Student
Dec 23, 2019
130
I don't want to die. I want things to get better. It's almost like I have intrusive thoughts. I'll randomly think "you're going to kill yourself" throughout the day. "This might be one of the last times you speak to this person." "You're going to die soon." See a hotel "remember you're going to die in a hotel." When I try to sleep I imagine poisoning myself, and it's unpleasant. I don't want to die, but it's like the world is conspiring against me. Something doesn't want me here. I'm going to keep trying for now, but I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself soon. I don't want to die until I'm much older, but I can only take so much suffering.
 
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elizabeth.luck

elizabeth.luck

Eliminate your map.
Mar 10, 2019
124
I could have written this! I always try to make my last interactions with people meaningful because who knows when I'll say that enough is enough and pull the trigger, so to speak. I want to get better. But I have tried too many times and I am tired. I never go twenty minutes without thinking about killing myself. I wish it would stop.
 
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Quarky00

Quarky00

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2019
1,956
I really relate to this. I don't "want" to ctb but have to. I do get those funny thoughts/imagery, not so intrusive it's part of me (I feel slightly less emotional about it).

Wrote myself a note:

'Everything is ok - you are going to die'.
 
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Despondent

Despondent

Archangel
Dec 20, 2019
6,777
Sometimes I do but sometimes I don't. I know I think impulsively and these thoughts pop into my head when I get upset and frustrated (the most). At this point, I don't know if I am more afraid or not. I haven't come to terms with death but when I get frustrated/upset, it becomes so comforting. I've feared death since I was young. I know I'll experience and see nothing, but it's the unknown. And if not now, I'll experience it at some point because I won't live forever. I'd rather die at the cause of my own hands then on my death bed, naturally though. Death is so lonely.
 
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goldenrods

goldenrods

your angel
Dec 27, 2019
84
i gave into those thoughts & currently have a plan. if i could i'd reverse time to fix the mistakes i've made... but i can't. i can't even fix them in the present or future. they're permanent. there's only one way out for me.
 
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waterbottleman

waterbottleman

Not a person
Sep 30, 2019
721
I'd like things to get better, however I'm also tired of having hope end up in disappointment. So now I prefer having no hope at all.
 
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E

Emily123

Arcanist
May 28, 2019
460
I don't want to die and cry a lot for myself . I wished , the surgeons who did my surgery did even an everage job but they made a mess . I wished , there was another surgeon who could fix me . I wished , people in our socitey were more kind to me . at least , they could leave me alone. There is a part of my personality that it is so difficult for me to kill her .
 
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D

Daffodil

Student
Dec 23, 2019
130
Sometimes I do but sometimes I don't. I know I think impulsively and these thoughts pop into my head when I get upset and frustrated (the most). At this point, I don't know if I am more afraid or not. I haven't come to terms with death but when I get frustrated/upset, it becomes so comforting. I've feared death since I was young. I know I'll experience and see nothing, but it's the unknown. And if not now, I'll experience it at some point because I won't live forever. I'd rather die at the cause of my own hands then on my death bed, naturally though. Death is so lonely.
I used to think about suicide when really frustrated or disappointed but at some point something snapped and ever since it seemed like the best path forward. To the point where I've been planning, and it feels like the only thing I can control. Would like to get off that trajectory, but I don't know how. I'm really unhappy with my life.
 
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Ratherbeskinny

Ratherbeskinny

"Insert profound quote here."
Oct 28, 2019
108
Yes fucking yes. For example, I'll be waiting for my train, thinking; "Ok, let's consider jumping in front of the next one." Or I'll see a building and be like; "Would it kill me if I jumped off that building?"

I still have suicidal thoughts, but to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to die and I'm too scared of whatever is (or isn't) coming after death. I'm not suppossed to think about it the way I do now compared to a few years ago, yet I do. I can't seem to stop it, no matter how I'm feeling. I had an okay-ish evening today, but when I was alone for just 2 minutes, I was thinking by myself; "that went well, maybe it's time to just finally do it." And yeah, I'm also scared I'll try to overdose in my sleep - which I've done before. Swallowed 70 pills and I don't remember a thing.
 
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M

mediocre

trapped here
Nov 9, 2019
1,442
I don't want to die but at the same time I know I am in a hopeless situation and I really have to. The physical pain 24/7 is just too much to bear and I've gotten absolutely no help for it. No meds or anything. No diagnosis. I'm so tired now.
 
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waterbottleman

waterbottleman

Not a person
Sep 30, 2019
721
I don't want to die and cry a lot for myself . I wished , the surgeons who did my surgery did even an everage job but they made a mess . I wished , there was another surgeon who could fix me . I wished , people in our socitey were more kind to me . at least , they could leave me alone. There is a part of my personality that it is so difficult for me to kill her .
Did you get plastic surgery or something, why can't you get a doctor to fix you?

Also I don't understand how people even cry, I wish I could cry cause I know it would feel relieving but I'm like physically incapable of crying. I've tried to make myself cry by thinking about sad things and I just can't make myself cry. The most I can do is make my eyes water but that's it.

I wonder if I have some undiagnosed personality disorder, Ive Just always had the sense that I'm not normal and there's something wrong with me but unfortunately I blend in too well in society/am a functional adult so no one ever notices.

Like I have strong emotions but I'm incapable of expressing them so they just end up being bottled up and destroying me on the inside. I'm Such a screwed up and strange person, or maybe I just feel that way cause I have low self esteem? Amazing how confusing we all are, it's difficult to even understand ourselves.
 
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RestingGirl23

RestingGirl23

Member
Nov 2, 2019
55
I haven't been thinking of ctb since 2 weeks ago, but I find that when I'm unable to sleep at night I tend to have thoughts like "if I didn't exist I would be happy." So, it's not really that I want to die but more of "I don't want to exist." I already have SN, but I want to get the anti-emetics before I decide to take the plunge. For now, it calms me to know that I have it knowing I have control of my life.
 
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BabyYoda

BabyYoda

F*ck this sh!t I'm out
Dec 30, 2019
552
I'm afraid that I might just impulsively jump from a building (that wasn't high enough in the first place) whenever the pain is too much on and get severe injuries from it. This is why I don't want to leave the house on Valentine's because it will remind me of the major reason why I want to die
 
J

Justalostsoul

Member
Nov 30, 2019
15
I don't want to at all. I want to turn my life around and be content, not even happy.
 
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E

Emily123

Arcanist
May 28, 2019
460
Did you get plastic surgery or something, why can't you get a doctor to fix you?

Also I don't understand how people even cry, I wish I could cry cause I know it would feel relieving but I'm like physically incapable of crying. I've tried to make myself cry by thinking about sad things and I just can't make myself cry. The most I can do is make my eyes water but that's it.

I wonder if I have some undiagnosed personality disorder, Ive Just always had the sense that I'm not normal and there's something wrong with me but unfortunately I blend in too well in society/am a functional adult so no one ever notices.

Like I have strong emotions but I'm incapable of expressing them so they just end up being bottled up and destroying me on the inside. I'm Such a screwed up and strange person, or maybe I just feel that way cause I have low self esteem? Amazing how confusing we all are, it's difficult to even understand ourselves.
There was a bad damage in my first surgery . Most of the surgeons told me that it was impossible to fix it . A surgeon accepted to do the surgery but I look even worse now . My personality is a personlity of a super star . I can not tolerate being down and this is why I want to CTB .
It is easy for me have relationship with my emotions . Last night I was looking at my eyes in the mirror and thinking that I am going to close these innocent eyes for ever . My imagination became real and I was feeling that I am killing someone else ( A baby inside me). This is why I was crying
 
Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
3,622
I don't want to but I fear I might have to. All depends on the outcome of something.
 
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F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
Yes this is my dilemma.
 
Ame

Ame

あめ
Nov 1, 2019
322
I don't necessarily want to be dead but I don't quite feel alive at the moment either...I haven't for a very long time. In a few of my earlier posts, I have written briefly on the beauty of life and how I agonize over not being able to bring anything beautiful to this life with my own hands. I am left to wonder what the purpose is of hovering on the edge and merely spectating as I do. Even if I were to wake up completely well tomorrow, I don't feel like there is anything to go back to. It's strange because I have read posts by many here lamenting their fear of dying and their desire to be dead. I don't really have a fear of dying, but the uncertainty of death does not sit well with me.

Still, I find that more than anything else, I am terrified of not attempting. I literally feel sick with dread whenever I think about being here for much longer.
 
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porfin1234

porfin1234

Arcanist
Dec 26, 2019
476
I don't want to die. I just want my old life back. Job I loved. Home I loved. Stability. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I can't believe I made such a huge life decision without thinking it through more. Can't get back my old life. I just remember the happy times. Free loving hippie girl is still inside me. But I can't accept my reality.
 
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N

Nnana

Member
Dec 1, 2019
78
I'm terrified of death. I don't want to die but I don't want to keep suffering either. I don't think I will have the courage to ctb and it makes me suffer even more. I'm in an awful dilemma.
 
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Kirbster

Kirbster

Member
Jan 6, 2020
26
My decision to ctb never used to waver, but now I find that oftentimes i don't want to die. For me, it's an annoyance... because I know it's mostly due to fear of death and a sense of hope that things can get better one day. If it is recovery you seek, I hope those suicidal feelings you have subside in time. As for me, I hope my lingering feelings of attachment to this world disappear as soon as possible. Past experience dictate only more upcoming tragedy.
I'm terrified of death. I don't want to die but I don't want to keep suffering either. I don't think I will have the courage to ctb and it makes me suffer even more. I'm in an awful dilemma.
I feel the same way. Right now I'm trying to overcome these feelings by trying to let go of everything I care about in life. I think desire and fear plays a big role in my hesitation to ctb, so I'm trying to do away with such afflictions.
 
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k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
Jun 27, 2019
2,546
I don't want to die and cry a lot for myself . I wished , the surgeons who did my surgery did even an everage job but they made a mess . I wished , there was another surgeon who could fix me .
This is me, although I know we had different types of surgery. I'm so sorry you're in this situation too. I feel so mutilated. I'd settle for just average, but each time I try to fix it, the results are worse.

I do want to get better, but I know ultimately I'm going to kill myself. It scares me.
 
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NoSuprises

NoSuprises

Member
Dec 17, 2019
44
I really want to but I'm scared that I don't have the balls to.
 
TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,819
If I could be born without the conditions I had an possibly go back in time, then, yes I may consider wanting to get better and the live, but after living for over 29 years on this planet, seeing how things are (independent of my living conditions and personal life), I still would rather die on my own terms. I don't plan to grow old, catch illnesses or what not and don't really see a point to living to old age (beyond 40+, let alone 50+). I wouldn't really say that I'm afraid of death, I am more afraid of pain for a failed attempt and I am not going through with CTB until I am sure that I have finished what I wish to do currently (personal goals and other things), or if some catalyst pushes me over the edge and the right opportunity arises.

By catalyst, I mean a strong enough, major shit life event that pushes me to wish I was dead. Currently, still passively suicidal, wishing I was dead but not really actively seeking out death right now. I have already made up my mind long ago, that if I die, it would be by my own hands, it's just a matter of when rather than if.
 
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