How long have you wanted to CTB? Have you had periods of time in between where you feel like you can carry on and live life? What's stopped you all this time?
Maravillosa
Господи помилуй — мир в Україні!
- Sep 7, 2018
- 689
I first seriously wanted to ctb when I was 16 years old (I am 52 now). There have been periods when I could "carry on and live life" fairly well, but I have double depression (persistent depressive disorder [dysthymia] + major depression) and the thought of ctb was seldom far from my mind. What has stopped me from ctb? I want to outlive my mother, for one thing: she is 78 years old, bedridden (I serve as a caregiver to her) and she does not deserve to be devastated and forced into a convalescent home. Another thing is my fear that I might end up in Hell if I ctb (I am a practicing Catholic). Finally, I want to successfully publish at least one novel before I die -- and I have not done so yet.
Since I was 12. I'm 23 now.
I've heard of many people who have been depressed since their teens or even their childhood and for many of them it never seemed to have gotten better. Some of them end up catching the bus after all and it makes me wonder if some of us are just destined to be mentally fucked and die by suicide.
I've heard of many people who have been depressed since their teens or even their childhood and for many of them it never seemed to have gotten better. Some of them end up catching the bus after all and it makes me wonder if some of us are just destined to be mentally fucked and die by suicide.
Desperate_Soul
I'll See You Guys On The Other Side Of The Rainbow
- Aug 26, 2018
- 1,980
I didn't know it then, and I still am not sure if I was serious, but the first thought of killing myself was when I was 7 years old. Life is like a rollercoaster for me, so yes, there are periods of time in my life that I feel I can carry on living life.
As for what's stopping me, seeing that I've already attempted to CTB and failed multiple times, I don't know how to answer that except that some kind of evil force is making me stay to make me keep on suffering and being miserable.
davidlynchfan666
Member
- Sep 23, 2018
- 44
I had my first attempt at 17 and its been like this ever since.
I do have moments where im glad to be alive, but something awful is always around the corner.
I do have moments where im glad to be alive, but something awful is always around the corner.
Hanger
Noosedancer
- May 29, 2018
- 277
ChaosDergon
Dreaming of my suicide
- Sep 25, 2018
- 21
In person I am a person of few words, but in writing there are lots of words that can be said. So here are all my words, and I think I answered the questions, but I also ramble on for a bit about things.
Since about the age of 16, at that time had a self aborted attempt at the time and did not seriously consider again until about 19/20. Currently 29 years old, and have done a total of 6 attempts since the first at 19/20. though 3 were self aborted and 3 ended up in hospital care. All the attempts were either impulsive thus not well thought out and thus unsuccessful or stary eyed thinking about certain methods being good because they showed my resolve (dehydration/starvation), which were 2 of the attempts and 2 of the self aborted attempts. Basically the only thing that stopped me was my foolishness and poor planning. Also on 2 other tries, sentimentality since I wanted to say goodbye to some people and sent them messages. Both times someone happened to by up at that hour (like 4 in morning) and well they had emergency services intervene.
**Key points, plan better. do not message people, but if you want to say bye leave it in a way for them to find later. Plan better. **
Periodically I do find myself hopeful for the future and longing to live, but mostly I find I am ambivalent about life. Not really wanting to live but not really wanting to die either, just don't care. As such do things I probably shouldn't if I want a long life, but then again doubt I will live long enough for it to matter. But then there are the times were I really want to CTB and it goes on for a while. I begin to make plans, but I am not good with plans or following through (whether they be relate to this or general life plans). Most things I do, go like this: I want to do this, I do it now, else I do not do it.
Currently in my normal ambivalent stage and trying to keep myself motivated enough to actually do the prep, so the next time I will be ready. I will have a good method (still researching and this place seems to have lots of info for that), and I won't have that fear of failure. Failure sucks. But also want to make sure I am not being impulsive, and making a reasoned and thought out decision. This is a reason why I am hesitant to have method on hand, I am a very impulsive person. But to ensure confidence in plan, I do need to get things ready when I have energy and can move about, also money is a factor. There are things I still want to do, but there will not be enough time and doubt I will be able to endure the pain long enough to try. So I will end up needing to settle with something and set a date at some point.
Since about the age of 16, at that time had a self aborted attempt at the time and did not seriously consider again until about 19/20. Currently 29 years old, and have done a total of 6 attempts since the first at 19/20. though 3 were self aborted and 3 ended up in hospital care. All the attempts were either impulsive thus not well thought out and thus unsuccessful or stary eyed thinking about certain methods being good because they showed my resolve (dehydration/starvation), which were 2 of the attempts and 2 of the self aborted attempts. Basically the only thing that stopped me was my foolishness and poor planning. Also on 2 other tries, sentimentality since I wanted to say goodbye to some people and sent them messages. Both times someone happened to by up at that hour (like 4 in morning) and well they had emergency services intervene.
**Key points, plan better. do not message people, but if you want to say bye leave it in a way for them to find later. Plan better. **
Periodically I do find myself hopeful for the future and longing to live, but mostly I find I am ambivalent about life. Not really wanting to live but not really wanting to die either, just don't care. As such do things I probably shouldn't if I want a long life, but then again doubt I will live long enough for it to matter. But then there are the times were I really want to CTB and it goes on for a while. I begin to make plans, but I am not good with plans or following through (whether they be relate to this or general life plans). Most things I do, go like this: I want to do this, I do it now, else I do not do it.
Currently in my normal ambivalent stage and trying to keep myself motivated enough to actually do the prep, so the next time I will be ready. I will have a good method (still researching and this place seems to have lots of info for that), and I won't have that fear of failure. Failure sucks. But also want to make sure I am not being impulsive, and making a reasoned and thought out decision. This is a reason why I am hesitant to have method on hand, I am a very impulsive person. But to ensure confidence in plan, I do need to get things ready when I have energy and can move about, also money is a factor. There are things I still want to do, but there will not be enough time and doubt I will be able to endure the pain long enough to try. So I will end up needing to settle with something and set a date at some point.
On and off since i can remember. When I was a kid (younger than 10) I remember wanting to jump out a second floor window several times and once sitting in the middle of the road (wasn't a busy road) hoping a car would hit me until someone who lived nearby saw me and made me move. Miraculously my parents never found out about the latter.
That's the earliest I can remember and since then I've been on and off suicidal and last year constantly suicidal despite any help the medical professionals give me which is mainly just new meds tell me to give it several months to let it works then up the dosage or give new meds that don't work. Only asked for help for my families same but I've all but done the deed now.
I'm 22 now btw.
That's the earliest I can remember and since then I've been on and off suicidal and last year constantly suicidal despite any help the medical professionals give me which is mainly just new meds tell me to give it several months to let it works then up the dosage or give new meds that don't work. Only asked for help for my families same but I've all but done the deed now.
I'm 22 now btw.
ratfucker22
Member
- Aug 30, 2018
- 16
sophomore year of high school, i knew then it was over. im 22 now and cant wait to end it. it only gets worse, never better.
wanttodie
Enlightened
- Apr 19, 2018
- 1,802
It's frustrating, but it's still empathetic. be strong!
My life has always been shit, but I only thought about catch the bus during the 14 years, when all the problems I had fell on me, along with emotional disorders (I do not know which one, but it seems to be bipolarity). Curiously, after a day of crisis I always back to be cheerful and excited and forgot the idea of suicide, but no matter how happy I was, how many accomplishments I made or how many times I got up in the morning thinking "I going to live" it is came back.
yesterday I had one of the best days of my life and after discovering one of those songs that touch the soul and I felt alive, very alive, today I want to lie down and never get up again. It's so complicated
yesterday I had one of the best days of my life and after discovering one of those songs that touch the soul and I felt alive, very alive, today I want to lie down and never get up again. It's so complicated
Trashcan
Trash
- Aug 31, 2018
- 1,234
First started getting thoughts 11-12 years ago. They got more serious around 7-9 years ago. I guess just not having a good method. But yeah I ordered a gun, it's getting shipped to a gun store and I should have it within the next 2 weeks. Hopefully even sooner.
Aesthler
Death is the only God who comes when you call
- Sep 25, 2018
- 416
My one and only therapist I've ever seen told me she thinks I was depressed my entire life, I remember when I was young like 9 and I'd just feel an overwhelming sadness and I could never figure out what the hell was going on. I first tried to CTB at 14, took a fuckload of tylenol and other pills and passed out and woke up and had the worst stomach ache for the next few days. I've had a few moments in my life where I thought it would just go on and it could be normal, but everytime I hear about someone who successfully killed themselves I'd feel envious. I'd wish for death in so many ways, and it's really all I think about day and night anymore.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
I've had suicidal thoughts for about 8 years now, but haven't really considered serious methods till a few months back. (IMO slitting wrists isn't serious if you're cutting across. Even I was surprised by how little blood there was.)
I've always had a deadline - first it was before turning 30, then before turning 25, and now it's before the year runs out. But knowing me, I'll probably fail to meet them - all of them.
I've always had a deadline - first it was before turning 30, then before turning 25, and now it's before the year runs out. But knowing me, I'll probably fail to meet them - all of them.
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