I feel stuck in almost a permanent state of unhappiness now. I never wanted to rush things, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," and figured in time my depression would pass. It usually would.
But if find it not breaking these last few months. I just dont care to participate in life.
Video games dont interest me. TV/Movies, hobbies, new hobbies, etc.
Ive had 3 major relationships in my life and find my heart closed off, its been 4 years since my last solid relationship but I just don't care to date anyone else.
I'm 34 without a friend and seemingly an inability to connect with others. I had opened myself up to a coworker who for a short time, was a good friend, but I think she wanted more from me, and I am incapable. Our friendship passed, she would tell me people come into our lives for a lifetime, a moment or a day, and my moment with her is ended. I had reacted to things in dumb ways when she pulled away for her own personal reasons, unfriending her off social media platforms, and she has retaliated in kind; avoiding me more at work, no more talks about our lives in the break room, no more lunchtime walks. Shes moved on, and in a way I wanted her to.
I have no relationship with my family, the last time I stopped in to see my nephew, my mom and sister interrupted our 5 minutes of catchup, because I encourage him to think independently. A Catholic household where his athiesm, his own logical arrival without my doing, is blamed on me. The catchup ended with ny sister calling me a faggot as I walked away deciding to no longer engage in circular arguing with them. I don't plan to speak to either one again. My older brothers don't care much, either - one only calls to get me to donate money for his kids things, no chance of a relationship with how we fought as kids. My other brother, in his 40s, still lives with my mom and sister, and his silence as of late shows where he stands.
Therapy has kept me alive for the last few years, but the drugs seem less and less effective. A diagnosis of ASD and ADHD made sense in a retrospective look, a very "duh" realization as to why I have a hard time connecting with people. Why I am the way I am. A diagnosis of C-PTSD was a surprise, expecting everyone to not escape childhood without trauma, but I guess my circumstances were worse and exacerbated my symptoms, molded my brain into what it is.
Work has been the only pride of my existence, which a recent promotion has only made it dull, I'm less needed, less useful and I lack interest in the only thing I had to fall back on in my adult life.
I'm in debt, and efforts I make to escape it fails as I self sabotage myself through my own disgusting compulsions done out of loneliness.
I've waited long enough, right? It's not going to get better from here, is it?
But if find it not breaking these last few months. I just dont care to participate in life.
Video games dont interest me. TV/Movies, hobbies, new hobbies, etc.
Ive had 3 major relationships in my life and find my heart closed off, its been 4 years since my last solid relationship but I just don't care to date anyone else.
I'm 34 without a friend and seemingly an inability to connect with others. I had opened myself up to a coworker who for a short time, was a good friend, but I think she wanted more from me, and I am incapable. Our friendship passed, she would tell me people come into our lives for a lifetime, a moment or a day, and my moment with her is ended. I had reacted to things in dumb ways when she pulled away for her own personal reasons, unfriending her off social media platforms, and she has retaliated in kind; avoiding me more at work, no more talks about our lives in the break room, no more lunchtime walks. Shes moved on, and in a way I wanted her to.
I have no relationship with my family, the last time I stopped in to see my nephew, my mom and sister interrupted our 5 minutes of catchup, because I encourage him to think independently. A Catholic household where his athiesm, his own logical arrival without my doing, is blamed on me. The catchup ended with ny sister calling me a faggot as I walked away deciding to no longer engage in circular arguing with them. I don't plan to speak to either one again. My older brothers don't care much, either - one only calls to get me to donate money for his kids things, no chance of a relationship with how we fought as kids. My other brother, in his 40s, still lives with my mom and sister, and his silence as of late shows where he stands.
Therapy has kept me alive for the last few years, but the drugs seem less and less effective. A diagnosis of ASD and ADHD made sense in a retrospective look, a very "duh" realization as to why I have a hard time connecting with people. Why I am the way I am. A diagnosis of C-PTSD was a surprise, expecting everyone to not escape childhood without trauma, but I guess my circumstances were worse and exacerbated my symptoms, molded my brain into what it is.
Work has been the only pride of my existence, which a recent promotion has only made it dull, I'm less needed, less useful and I lack interest in the only thing I had to fall back on in my adult life.
I'm in debt, and efforts I make to escape it fails as I self sabotage myself through my own disgusting compulsions done out of loneliness.
I've waited long enough, right? It's not going to get better from here, is it?
