the 4 or 5 people in my life are very aware that i could die by suicide any moment, and i've even talked to them about the fact that if i killed myself, i wouldn't bother to leave a note.
i only have plans to leave a sort of quick note in the form of a scheduled text/email to my sister asking her to alert authorities a day or two after i choose to CTB. maybe i could say, like, a final "im sorry," and "i love you" and that kind of thing. but, i'd hardly consider that a "suicide note".
in fact i have little journals and notepads all over my house that describe how much pain im in and how anguished i am, how .. generally i feel that every moment is a sort of suffering, .. and part of my plans are to go around and make sure i get rid of aaall of that before i go. i would fucking hate for my sister to have to go through anything to decide if there's something worth keeping that she could find precious and end up with all this fucking horrible shit to sort. i know that she's the kind of person to parse through every notebook; just to .. cling, to anything that comes from my soul that's left over.. and, to be sure what to keep and what not to keep. i was an especially artistic person at one point, so i expect she'd be looking for some sort of doodles or any kind of creative writing or anything. but now all my expressions are very upsetting, and have been for so long. i assume even in a suicide note, it would devolve into some kind of horrible madness that borders on something psychotic. i think that it would be haunting and extra painful.
i pretty much always say too much.. so if i were to write a suicide note it would be a fucking novel... everyone else here mentioning "one page".. hah! i wish! good god. if i could be that brief, i might not want to die so terribly bad. i have been told i am "too much" by every person, so to give anyone anything more in my death would kill me again for a second time. i'd have to kill myself in my death, knowing i was troubling people so badly even in my death.
i feel like i have so many reasons not to want to even try to write a suicide note. hah.
but i'm very enamored and inspired by the people who are able to write any kind of nice or inspiring things for their loved ones. so there's a part of me that wants to do, .. like.. something. i have thoughts of making a little mix tape or something cheesy and simple and sweet. but i dont know. i imagine my time to ctb will be somewhat impulsive.
hah, did anyone read that part about me saying that i always say too much? i kind of assume nobody really pays attention to me.
tldr: i am way too much, so no i wont bore my loved ones with more of me when im dead lol
