How long have you suffered?

[DoneWithThisLife]

I've had depression since 7yo. Ist attempt at 17 then 3 or 4 half-arsed attempts over the years. Now at 62yo have been actively suicidal since 2023, have secured my SN and will be ctbing in 1 month.

 

[Ksavagedie]

I've been dealing on and off with major depressive disorder since 18 years old. I am 55 now. It's amazing I'm still here.

Me too.... my first major depressive episode was when I was 17. I'm 51 now and I've been suffering for most of the past year. I tried to CTB in 2014, but they kicked the door down and I woke up in the hospital. Sadly... I feel you.

 

[ocheeva]

On and off since 2014, first suicidal thoughts in 2017 and this current crisis has been a nightmare I haven't experienced before

 

[Ksavagedie]

I've had depression since 7yo. Ist attempt at 17 then 3 or 4 half-arsed attempts over the years. Now at 62yo have been actively suicidal since 2023, have secured my SN and will be ctbing in 1 month.

I can relate to your journey. I tried with pills before, but it wasn't successful. I've been trying to get my hands on SN or FNT for the past year but am so confused about it. I see everyone referencing DMC, but I don't know how to find the supplier. Is there a thread you could point me to?

 

[DoneWithThisLife]

I can relate to your journey. I tried with pills before, but it wasn't successful. I've been trying to get my hands on SN or FNT for the past year but am so confused about it. I see everyone referencing DMC, but I don't know how to find the supplier. Is there a thread you could point me to?

I can only suggest searching for DMC on this site and read through the threads as everything you need to find them is there. Good Luck.

 

[Ksavagedie]

I can only suggest searching for DMC on this site and read through the threads as everything you need to find them is there. Good Luck.

Thanks. Appreciate that

 

[AnxiousLife]

I've had suicidal thoughts for more than 4 years

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Decades. Since I was 11. That was also the age of my first attempt. Been a few more in those years, plus can't count the number of times I know I nearly have died simply because I am not very cautious about danger simply out of apathy. Not that I haven't had good moments or even periods where I didn't, but it's always lurked in the back of my mind at the very least. And lemme tell you one thing, it's not as easy to do as one thinks. Nor is it easy to fix or deal with.

 

[outrider567]

Three years this Wednesday

 

[Roadrunner]

A mirror of my life, including CTB within a month.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm suicidal since i was 13

 

[Hollowman]

On and off for almost four decades.

 

[atrophy]

Since I was 12, I never understood how I could feel this way. People thought I was just edgy.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I've been depressed since I was a kid, but suicidal for the last 3 years. I didn't know how bad I could feel til I started having suicidal thoughts. .. it's like depression has taken on a whole new form.

 

[mirisasofia09]

I suffered from anxiety/panic disorder in 2016, then depression from 2017 to 2019. From 2020 the depression was "subclinical" with periods of flare-ups and remissions but without treatment unlike 2017-2019. In 2023 I discovered I was autistic and ADHD at 30 years old with the burden of caregiver( my mother was ill and I was the only caregiver). After my mother's death the symptoms worsened with suspected major depression and strong suicidal ideation. But I have a history of school bullying from elementary to middle school plus witnessed violence in the family, first towards my mother from my father and then psychological towards me. I'm surprised that I didn't go crazy before with a being like that and that I didn't make an attempt on my life before.

 

[Baisley]

Hi,
I am a newer member to SASU. I've been depressed now for 2 years. I was doing better and then since November of this year, I am a complete mess again. I just don't want to be here anymore. I would love to end my misery but can't even make myself pass out from carotid artery pressure. I have tried to locate them pushed on and all around them yet still can't seem to pass out. I don't know, what I'm doing wrong. I wish, I had access to a firearm then I could just be gone.

I've been depressed since I was a kid, but suicidal for the last 3 years. I didn't know how bad I could feel til I started having suicidal thoughts. .. it's like depression has taken on a whole new form.

I totally understand what you mean. I can barely function anymore and for me to do anything at all is like pulling teeth. This sucks and I wish we could all just end our misery without it being so hard to do it.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

It's like any way out. Until you know there's a door, you don't/can't conceive of leaving. So when you're little and you don't understand death it's just a feeling of frustration and sadness. Then one day you realise ctb is 'a thing' and it starts to look like something alluring, a toy in a toy shop. But you can't have it unless you break in by smashing TF out of the windows….. and that's gonna hurt.

 

[nomoredolor]

How long have you had to deal with these thoughts, the feelings of wanting to ctb? I want to understand other people a bit more for their reasonings.

20 years.

A combination of physical pain, CPTSD, trauma, depression, complex grief and overall being too sensitive for this world and feeling the world's pain. (Autism.) I'm thankful I have the option to end it. I wish I had been successful when I attempted in December. I am preparing a much more successful method now (SN.)

The word trauma includes being a survivor of sexual assault 2x, domestic violence, child abuse, religious trauma and abuse, history of being bullied at school and at work, car accidents, losing three loved ones to suicide and unsupportive family for being lgbtqia+.

It's been a fucking Wild ride and I'm ready to get off now

Thanks for asking,
Anna

 

[failureofahuman]

For 5-6 years

 

[hypervigilance]

Nearly 15 years now.

 

[SNastablesalt]

I've been depressed on and off since I was 13 but I've only started being suicidal since October

LOVE UR PFP

 

[Blueberry Panic]

20 years.

A combination of physical pain, CPTSD, trauma, depression, complex grief and overall being too sensitive for this world and feeling the world's pain. (Autism.) I'm thankful I have the option to end it. I wish I had been successful when I attempted in December. I am preparing a much more successful method now (SN.)

The word trauma includes being a survivor of sexual assault 2x, domestic violence, child abuse, religious trauma and abuse, history of being bullied at school and at work, car accidents, losing three loved ones to suicide and unsupportive family for being lgbtqia+.

It's been a fucking Wild ride and I'm ready to get off now

Thanks for asking,
Anna

I share similar struggles I'm sorry life hasn't been kind to you .

 

[anopenwound]

My world has been completely wrecked when I turned 19. Things have been worse ever since. But it's been an year, as of recent, that I've just been completely miserable all the time. It's been sheer horror.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

11 years or so

 

[rllysuper]

LOVE UR PFP

THANK U SO MUCH YOURS IS FIRE TOO

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

11 years, but things turned really bad 5years ago and just went worse years after years since

 

[theater]

Diagnosed from 12+ years ago.

 

[slinkey10]

How long have you had to deal with these thoughts, the feelings of wanting to ctb? I want to understand other people a bit more for their reasonings.

long time... I have accessed my social services records and im recorded talking abt ctb around age 6 , 7.... well f'd children talking like that!

Now answer your own question -- how long for you?

Female

You shouldnt have answered :) but your right to do so... ! what was the relevance of what gender you are ... eye roll

 

[danny10]

I was a really happy and joyful person before. Then depression came out of the blue for me in September, 2023. I became suicidal in November, 2023. First attempt was February, 2024. Second attempt will probably be around July, 2025. Wish me luck.

 

[floop]

i started showing depression symptoms in 5th grade and made my first attempt at 12yo