How is your ctb journey going?

[StateOfMind]

Mine has been riddled with distractions, procrastination and SI.
Had a lot of time to practice my primary methods (train and partial) and really hope that it can only be a matter of time now.

PS: "Happy" belated new year everyone!
PSS; Thank you @GenesAndEnvironment for the shout out in that users megathread! If you would have asked me five years ago "where do you see yourself in five years?" That last thing I would have come up with is "being popular on a suicide forum"

 

[Depressed Cat]

I'm giving psychiatric medicines a chance to work and see if they can make my life bearable. I have resigned myself to the fact that my life will never be enjoyable or happy. It's going to be a wretched and miserable existence. I have my SN stored safely in case I get desperate enough to want to CTB again.

 

[Interloper]

Lots of procrastinating. I've been staring at my N bottles for 10 days now and the more I do the more my overthinking gets the best of me.

 

[olkf]

I finished cleaning up so I could try partial but I could risk being ¨saved¨. I changed my method to SN and it should be here January 31st

 

[subj]

I'm giving psychiatric medicines a chance to work and see if they can make my life bearable. I have resigned myself to the fact that my life will never be enjoyable or happy. It's going to be a wretched and miserable existence. I have my SN stored safely in case I get desperate enough to want to CTB again.

I have had good luck with antidepressants. I have also added biking, hiking, yoga and hobbies like photography which keep me feeling like ive accomplished something and have my mind on other stuff than the s--- in my life

 

[Noctis]

Fairly well, I guess it's the right term? I recently got a job that has afforded me nearly limitless nitrogen gas, so I can now build a suicide hood and catch the bus within two hours at any given day. That's given me a lot of peace of mind.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I need 1 more thing then I'm good to go (SN method). I just hope I won't chicken out in the last moment that's all. It feels surreal that I've got so far to this point.

 

[Crazy4u]

slower than expected. I am tired of preparations, training, and supplies needed.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't even know. Everyday I want to leave, I have never wanted to be alive but I am held back by a lack of reliable and peaceful way to exit and the fear of failure. More than anything I wish it was easier to leave. I hope for eternal sleep. I am tired of living. I do not want to exist in a world where there is so much pain and suffering.

 

[StateOfMind]

I'm giving psychiatric medicines a chance to work and see if they can make my life bearable. I have resigned myself to the fact that my life will never be enjoyable or happy. It's going to be a wretched and miserable existence. I have my SN stored safely in case I get desperate enough to want to CTB again.

Always good to have a way out just in case.

Lots of procrastinating. I've been staring at my N bottles for 10 days now and the more I do the more my overthinking gets the best of me.

Where did you get N? Maybe your not ready yet.

I finished cleaning up so I could try partial but I could risk being ¨saved¨. I changed my method to SN and it should be here January 31st

Who could save you? Why did you switch to SN.

I need 1 more thing then I'm good to go (SN method). I just hope I won't chicken out in the last moment that's all. It feels surreal that I've got so far to this point.

Stanhope is the best, seen most of his online available material.

slower than expected. I am tired of preparations, training, and supplies needed.

I hear you, I thought it would be much quicker. Sometimes I think its a miracle that I'm even still alive.

 

[NormaJeane]

A 13 year old girl managed to overcome survival instinct when she stood in front of a train and I who are much older have still not succeeded in overcome survival instinct - how can people be so different? Survival instinct is the only thing which is stopping me, survival instinct has always been my friend, but now survival instinct is my enemy.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

It's going slowly and painfully.

 

[Bedrock48]

"Happy" belated New year to you too, been wondering how you've been getting on.

As for me the brakes are well and truly applied. I really thought Jan 4th was gonna be it but a drastic and sudden turn around in my mood has put the brakes on indefinitely. Everything's ready in the sense I can just pack a bag headed for the bus stop but right now I don't feel like I need to take that path. I've just completed the therapy course I mentioned in one of your last posts like this and it's been good for me. However it's also made me realise I 100% need more therapy from here on out, what kind I'm not sure. Life is still as draining and depressing as always but I feel that's something I can live with at least for the time being.

 

[cyanlove]

I felt I was finally ready and had everything in place but I wasn't mentally ready yet. I threw out my supplies which I seriously regret but I can always get more.

 

[9BBN]

It feels like I'm limping my way through life. At some point my fear of living might overcome me.

 

[LADY007]

Fairly well, I guess it's the right term? I recently got a job that has afforded me nearly limitless nitrogen gas, so I can now build a suicide hood and catch the bus within two hours at any given day. That's given me a lot of peace of mind.

Use the search in the upper right to see the past info on exit bag..there are plenty of good details

 

[Ta555]

Frustrating. I'm very scared of pain and suffering and failure. No matter what method I start planning for I get scared it will fail and leave me worse off. No way to get N.

 

[Zzzzz]

Not good since I'm still alive on this wretched prison planet but one can dream can't they? Maybe if I'm very lucky I'll be dead soon.

 

[NormaJeane]

Not good since I'm still alive on this wretched prison planet but one can dream can't they? Maybe if I'm very lucky I'll be dead soon.

The body is not created to kill itself and therefore we are still alive. Planet Earth is like a prison that forces us to live - it should be easier to die in space. Humans on Earth are expected to suffer as long as possible before we die.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I'm not rushing myself. I have N, which feels great not gonna lie. Ordered meto and am waiting for it to arrive but still not entirely sure when or if I will ctb this year. My moods can be very back and forth. Also want to try and hold on for friends and family. Essentially waiting until I reach my breaking point or have a breakthrough- I figure it's inevitable that either one or the other will happen eventually. Part of the appeal of N for me was that it has such a long shelf life, so there's that sense of comfort from having it without a sense of urgency from feeling like I have to use it right away.

A 13 year old girl managed to overcome survival instinct when she stood in front of a train and I who are much older have still not succeeded in overcome survival instinct - how can people be so different? Survival instinct is the only thing which is stopping me, survival instinct has always been my friend, but now survival instinct is my enemy.

The way I see it, teen suicide is categorically different than adult suicide. Teens are naturally impulsive, their brains aren't fully developed yet. I can see how in some ways teens find it easier to ctb, even though they have more life ahead of them. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[StateOfMind]

Not good since I'm still alive on this wretched prison planet but one can dream can't they? Maybe if I'm very lucky I'll be dead soon.

Why is your method dependent on luck?

 

[lastlife_]

Mine has been riddled with distractions, procrastination and SI.

Me too, but I can't go on like this much longer..

 

[Thequietone]

Mine has been riddled with distractions, procrastination and SI.
Had a lot of time to practice my primary methods (train and partial) and really hope that it can only be a matter of time now.

PS: "Happy" belated new year everyone!
PSS; Thank you @GenesAndEnvironment for the shout out in that users megathread! If you would have asked me five years ago "where do you see yourself in five years?" That last thing I would have come up with is "being popular on a suicide forum"

I planned my suicide, signed into EXIT, organized my funeral, wrote my letters. So I would be ready but I wait until fall I think. I hope I can do it because I wake up every day and it is just exhausting. Have no goals anyway and don't feel happy.

 

[Insomniac]

I regret not having taken SN when I could. Now I don't have access to it and most importantly, I'm trapped in a personal situation where I absolutely cannot CTB because of my minor little sister depending on me.

 

[clown_17]

Many bumps on the road. At least I can say I have experience with a lot of methods?? I don't see the need to ctb right now but I feel more able to do it right as times goes on. My very first suicide attempt many years ago was just taking a few pills. I think over time and some near death experiences I've become less afraid of death so my options for methods have opened up more. The issue for me is getting over that hump of fear to do something. Slowly the idea builds up but it actually causes me great anxiety until suddenly I reach a point where I snap from stress and become completely unafraid. So I trust that when I'm doing really poorly I'll be able to do what I must. Currently trying to ride the therapy path even though I know it's bullshit. I can never find a therapist I like but perhaps if I find one I don't hate I could actually make some mental progress

 

[ormaybeyoucouldchill]

I'm giving psychiatric medicines a chance to work and see if they can make my life bearable. I have resigned myself to the fact that my life will never be enjoyable or happy. It's going to be a wretched and miserable existence. I have my SN stored safely in case I get desperate enough to want to CTB again.

This is pretty much exactly the situation I'm in.