shadows_and_silence
Member
- Feb 11, 2025
- 37
i know this type of rant is so stupid and overdone but i honestly lost all motivation to hold myself to a higher standard than i hold others today (more on that later)
firstly, let's talk about the state of the world. i know its horrible from every angle, but obviously I'm gonna have some bias as my life is growing up as a white trans woman in the southern us. i won't know every form of racism one can experience, unrealistic standard one is held to, or anything like that. however, from what i do currently know, it's almost as if this world was built to be impossible to live in.
society has almost an image of the "perfect" human ingrained into it, built around it, and each class of society has their own image, as does each oppressed class. i won't get too much into that here, but it's pretty undeniable that this world is built for attractive (technically rich, as they can buy attractiveness with it + political views of mine prone to disagreement that i wouldn't like to get into) white men. witnessing every injustice committed against every other person that isn't the framework that society is built for is so heartbreaking. of course, there's fights to be fought. but one person can't do a movement alone, and although there's a lot of support, for some radical change to happen and improve the general quality of life for everyone is a far away idea. how can someone live with this reality and be perfectly happy and content living in this world?
now, onto personal issues. obviously this is unique to me, some others might relate to personal aspects, but it is important to note that nothing in this section (or in this post at all, rather) should be taken as absolute because i am just one random human of 8 billion with my own thoughts and lenses. anyways,
for an introduction i grew up in a household many considered abusive. of course, not everyone agrees it was abusive, although a large portion do. here's the absolute facts of that happened: ever since i was little my parents always hit me with their belt deep enough to cause bruises. any time i cried i was told i could be given an actual reason to cry, and later as i had increased panic attacks they added that i was acting like a toddler. the first time i got sa'd was in 2nd grade, and it was rape. my first girlfriend in 8th grade completely mistaught me what consent was and kept me in a sexually abusive relationship for a year and a half, and all that opened the door for online abuse by strangers. the police never did anything as they were reported and i would not be surprised if there was still CSAM of me online. since my sophomore year, i ended up getting raped 3 separate times with nothing happening to change. now it's the end of my senior year, and I've gone through a fair bit of pet deaths but my cat who has been alive all my life is suffering from cognitive issues and is about to pass away
obviously this is a lot for one person to go through, and that's everything that just came to memory as i was typing this out. i also have an incredibly busy schedule as i play euphonium, and my one question is:
how are you supposed to live with all this and no breaks?
my cat is my beloved and i will take care of her until my last breath if i have to and i will not regret it, but to say I'm not suffering is extremely false. i was already suffering from horrible burnout before she got diagnosed and now any spare time i have in my home is spent taking care of her. obviously i have so many mental issues and personal issues and so many other things, how am i supposed to reasonably manage all of this at once? how am i supposed to live like this?
on top of this, I'm trying to be a somewhat decent human being to others. i already mentioned it in a previous post so I'll at least attempt to keep it brief; self improvement is near impossible because i either break myself to get better for others which shatters eventually or i allow myself to heal and let my relationships suffer.
if you haven't gathered, i do feel very strongly for others. i feel as if it isnt egotistical to say i wish only good on most people in this world. the problem is actions i would usually call okay for one person to do arent okay for me to do because i need to be as good as i possibly can for the people in this world. it's so impossible to be the best person i can be and survive at any level besides a basic one because i am constantly working between school, my music, my home life, there's no time for rest.
and yes, i have tried help. i have a psychiatrist. and a therapist. therapy is always a temporary ailment for my situation because it never goes away. medication is useless. soon i move out, all alone, broke, no way to afford life. who's gonna hire a music student with no time on her hands, after all? i talk to my friends regularly for help and they do help sometimes but it's always temporary because i can't handle being under this much pressure for so long
tldr; i had a horrible home life and was sexually abused my whole life and my cat is dying and I'm so busy and life is killing me purely from the pressure of staying alive completely by itself.
anyways that's my rant, skip it, reply, give advice, condolences, criticisms, insults, i dont even care anymore
firstly, let's talk about the state of the world. i know its horrible from every angle, but obviously I'm gonna have some bias as my life is growing up as a white trans woman in the southern us. i won't know every form of racism one can experience, unrealistic standard one is held to, or anything like that. however, from what i do currently know, it's almost as if this world was built to be impossible to live in.
society has almost an image of the "perfect" human ingrained into it, built around it, and each class of society has their own image, as does each oppressed class. i won't get too much into that here, but it's pretty undeniable that this world is built for attractive (technically rich, as they can buy attractiveness with it + political views of mine prone to disagreement that i wouldn't like to get into) white men. witnessing every injustice committed against every other person that isn't the framework that society is built for is so heartbreaking. of course, there's fights to be fought. but one person can't do a movement alone, and although there's a lot of support, for some radical change to happen and improve the general quality of life for everyone is a far away idea. how can someone live with this reality and be perfectly happy and content living in this world?
now, onto personal issues. obviously this is unique to me, some others might relate to personal aspects, but it is important to note that nothing in this section (or in this post at all, rather) should be taken as absolute because i am just one random human of 8 billion with my own thoughts and lenses. anyways,
for an introduction i grew up in a household many considered abusive. of course, not everyone agrees it was abusive, although a large portion do. here's the absolute facts of that happened: ever since i was little my parents always hit me with their belt deep enough to cause bruises. any time i cried i was told i could be given an actual reason to cry, and later as i had increased panic attacks they added that i was acting like a toddler. the first time i got sa'd was in 2nd grade, and it was rape. my first girlfriend in 8th grade completely mistaught me what consent was and kept me in a sexually abusive relationship for a year and a half, and all that opened the door for online abuse by strangers. the police never did anything as they were reported and i would not be surprised if there was still CSAM of me online. since my sophomore year, i ended up getting raped 3 separate times with nothing happening to change. now it's the end of my senior year, and I've gone through a fair bit of pet deaths but my cat who has been alive all my life is suffering from cognitive issues and is about to pass away
obviously this is a lot for one person to go through, and that's everything that just came to memory as i was typing this out. i also have an incredibly busy schedule as i play euphonium, and my one question is:
how are you supposed to live with all this and no breaks?
my cat is my beloved and i will take care of her until my last breath if i have to and i will not regret it, but to say I'm not suffering is extremely false. i was already suffering from horrible burnout before she got diagnosed and now any spare time i have in my home is spent taking care of her. obviously i have so many mental issues and personal issues and so many other things, how am i supposed to reasonably manage all of this at once? how am i supposed to live like this?
on top of this, I'm trying to be a somewhat decent human being to others. i already mentioned it in a previous post so I'll at least attempt to keep it brief; self improvement is near impossible because i either break myself to get better for others which shatters eventually or i allow myself to heal and let my relationships suffer.
if you haven't gathered, i do feel very strongly for others. i feel as if it isnt egotistical to say i wish only good on most people in this world. the problem is actions i would usually call okay for one person to do arent okay for me to do because i need to be as good as i possibly can for the people in this world. it's so impossible to be the best person i can be and survive at any level besides a basic one because i am constantly working between school, my music, my home life, there's no time for rest.
and yes, i have tried help. i have a psychiatrist. and a therapist. therapy is always a temporary ailment for my situation because it never goes away. medication is useless. soon i move out, all alone, broke, no way to afford life. who's gonna hire a music student with no time on her hands, after all? i talk to my friends regularly for help and they do help sometimes but it's always temporary because i can't handle being under this much pressure for so long
tldr; i had a horrible home life and was sexually abused my whole life and my cat is dying and I'm so busy and life is killing me purely from the pressure of staying alive completely by itself.
anyways that's my rant, skip it, reply, give advice, condolences, criticisms, insults, i dont even care anymore
