_Minsk
death: the cure for life
- Dec 9, 2019
- 1,109
i've been thinking on why life seems so dull and shallow, why is it that i just can't find anything meaningful in it, worth staying. when i look back on the days where i actually enjoyed life, i wasn't even aware of what else life has to offer, i mean this crap, pain and what not. over that time, growing up, i experienced more and more crap like most of us here did. i can't deny that i've had some moments of joy back in the days, moments where all that pain didn't matter or even didn't existed in the first place, but at some point we would run into issues anyways, like how many people deal with incurable health problems, even at young age? if life was about happiness, like some say, why does so much pain exist? i used to believe in a good world, a world where every wound heals on its own, where pain is just a temporary thing and its just a matter of time till stuff gets better. there's nothing wrong about thinking that way, but how long will it last? i'm certain that believing in a god might give life and the pain you go trough some meaning, that you will be rewarded when you die, going to heaven etc,.. at times i want to believe in similar things too, i wish i could believe that things will get better, but after these countless years of disappointments, pain and broken dreams, it has become impossible. ...i've been living in a bubble when i was a kid, a bubble made of fantasies and unrealistic beliefs, who cared, i was happy at some point. but slowly the bubble bursted. life just lost its magic and the older i get, the more i want to die. what is it even all about? i guess i'll never find out. the only thing which gives me any sense of excitement or 'meaning' if you will is planing my way out.. so many broken dreams, maybe that's what's life about.. so many friends i've lost, so many people i disappoint, day by day, just because i can't handle this life and just be happy. maybe i'm not meant to life that life i crave so bad.. the more i try, the harder i fall, each and every time.. i'm surprised how quick things can get this bad. i've always tried to give it all, stay healthy, eat healthy food, but i no longer care, i'm left with thoughts of self harm which i never was into, but even that changed i guess, i've tried to stay away from drinking most of my life but even this feels like about to change.. even at young age i felt comfort, thinking about ctb but i never expected getting that obsessed with death.. i've always wanted to be with someone to enjoy life and not think about dying one day, but now i just want a partner to die with..
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