Story How i got very depressed (its actually what i guess was the reason)

[TheCrypt]

My dad was depressed as well very early in my life he was in a mental hosptial when i was 5 multiple times because of his parents they are narcissists and my dad did took behavior from them to me. I always think im a failure because i my dad had high hopes for me and im not good at school because i have lrs and attention deficit disorders. I got ritalin when i was 8 that changed me alot back then i stopped taking it because of that but now im again on it 2 years now. My dad had often rages and made things broke and even pressed me on the ground and hurt me some times. Once i wanted to get out of the house and he locked every door and then i wanted to get out by the window he took me and throwed me back in the room that was the last time he hurt me. Now he started therapy me as well im on a wait list for a mental hostpital but i dont know if i can ever recover im so deep in this i dont have motivation anymore i rarely get thing good done and im often lying. My life isnt that bad i have a Girlfriend my parents have money i have a cool pc setup but my mental gets worse and worse. I didnt had cbt plans for long last time me and my gf came togehter but now it started again and its not like in the past now i just want to exit im not crying anymore that much and just everything that happens makes things worse i dont feel understand anymore my friends most likely dont know how i feel and the people that do doesnt really seem to want to get me up they mostly want not to damage their own mental with my problems. I took very many drugz in the past but stopped i use to smoke much weed and everything was fine that time but i stopped because my anxiety got worse cuz of it. Now i dont really know how to fix anything i have plans but i dont want to fix anything it is like fucked up in my head one side wants to recover badly one side just make it nearly impossible. I dont see my self in a job i dont know how to get out of this pain. Maybe some people here can understand me. Thanks for reading.

 

[dialogos]

Yes I went thru abuse like you when I was a child till 20. The drugs came later though and I got thru that.
You should get it all off your chest and yes what's happening to you is called internal conflict.
Your anxious, confused and conflicted and young which isn't a good combination.
Everything becomes magnified and amplified which makes a hard situation, harder.
I'm just going to urge you to lay off making big decisions like ctb for a while.
youre not as hopeless like me and the others here.
Its to avoid conflict and anxiety. I'm sure you're feeling desolate.
make yourself busy, distract yourself, play games, anything.
get plenty of sleep, eat well.
just rest your mind a while.