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noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,534
I read very young children struggle to understand the concept of death. They rather imagine it like a long journey where you come back after a long time. Though I am not sure whether this is true. I think these children are younger than the age of 8.

I often ask myself what a good approach to death is. Which relation to one's own transcience is healthy? One could also transfer that question to suicide. But that is even more difficult.

I cannot remember which notion I had of death as a child. I remember that my grandma died and I could not really understand that. I barely knew her and my dad was pretty sad. I thought of death as nothingness. Though at the same time my somewhat religious education influenced me. I barely can say somehing interesting about how I thought about death as a child because I barely remember anything.

Though I can remember my first thoughts about suicide. The first suicidal thoughts that I had was probably at roundabout 10. I had an argument with my mom in the car and I got the impulse to jump out of it. I was shocked by this thought and I had a guilty conscience because of it. It was not a serious suicidal thought. It went away after a short time.

Some years afterwards we talked about assisted suicide in religion class. I told this story way too often. I was a conservative to that time though I realized that their stance on assisted suicide is bullshit. And that they want to torture people who suffer for decades no matter what.

However I think my first suicidal thoughts to that time were weird. I consider some of them kind of childish now. This is at least how I personally consider them now. I thought of suicide as the perfect answer to my problems and I just had to get the courage to do it. The domestic violence fostered self-hatred with a wish for a violent suicide. This was one reason why I started to watch gore. I had a love for Japan and was fascinated by the notion of honor. I thought suicide was a symbol of honor to that time. Personally I think these thoughts were childish and naive. I read about the last guy who committed sepukku in Japan. I imagined to do something similar.

I think these thoughts were nuts. There were some mistakes in my thought process. The first one was: suicide was easy. It is the opposite suicide is extremely difficult and SI can be extremely strong. Since then I went through insane shit. Things I thought I would ctb after 5 seconds experiencing it and I am still here. I think one reason was I had no reliable method to that time.

Another mistake was: I had the feeling my suicide should be a statement. It should be a brutal one. I can understand why some people want that for example like self-immolation for political purposes. Though I came to the conclusion it is just not worth it. Nobody will be impressed by such an act. I read an heartbreaking article on a transwoman who self-immolated int he capital of my country. She wanted to demonstrate her torment and all the horrible things that she had to endure and I respect that. But I think it is not worth it. People made fun of her shared videos of her suicide and dead body. Mocked her for that etc.

I think many humans are just scum and you won't change anything no matter how graphic your message looks like. Most people will forget about such an act after a short time. Personally I came to the conclusion. My suicide should independent of my obsession what other people think of me. Many people are just garbage and my own life is more important that their judmental thoughts. It is not worth to plan your suicide on the basis of what other people think of you. Bullies won't be impressed by that anyway.

I try to be more rational. And this is why I came to the conclusion my method should as peaceful as possible (in contrast to my childish teenager thoughts). I suffered way too much there is no need to punish me further for all this insane pain. All these thoughts about honor were distorted. Honor is kind of an outdated concept and my own well-being is way more important than that. I think honor in some instances is just a fake notion of oneself that one wants to demonstrate. Not wanting to show vulnerability, not wanting to show weakness. But I think these thoughts are counterproductive. Everyone needs help from time to time. There is no need to feel ashamed about that.

In the end it is not important which image other people have of me. My suicide should be fully rational and a clear balancing about how I feel, about the prospects of my life, the remaining hope and life quality. Sadly these considerations are not very positive in my case. But I am glad that I tried what I wanted to try. Still the time and pain that will drive me over the edge will probably be beyond insanity. But at least my obsession how other people perceive me should not play a major role in that.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She wished that she never existed...
Sep 24, 2020
35,092
I know that as soon as I was aware of what death was as a concept, I found it to be something comforting, I've always found comfort in the thought of ceasing to exist as I've believed that death is just perfect, peaceful nothingness, true peace that cannot be found in this world. I've never wished to exist here, not one single day.
 
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disgustingtrash

disgustingtrash

<3
May 19, 2023
39
I don't think I believed in death. I remember thinking I was immortal as a child, but as the years go by. All I can think about every single minute of the day is the day I die. I imagine multiple different scenarios how I die or kms.
 
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silent star

silent star

Soon I will forget this life
Apr 30, 2023
95
I didn't think death was really I thought I was going to live forever, but then again I was a dumb child I remember thinking if I cut my dolls hair would grow back. Anyway the first time I found out what suicide I remember being fascinated by it I remember thinking why was it seen as such a bad thing I didn't understand why people weren't just letting people die if they wanted to then later that year I "discovered" my first Reason on why I ever wanted to ctb I was 11
 
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F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
7,907
My Mum died when I was 3, my Grandpa when I was 4- so- I was introduced to death pretty early on. I probably didn't understand it that well until maybe school. It was probably the reaction of teachers and other older children that made me realise something significant had happened.

I've also read that very young children just think their deceased loved ones have gone away but will come back. I don't ever remember thinking that. I do vagely recall a few conversations with my Dad where I was told they were in heaven now. I absolutely understood what death was by age 10- when my Nana died and I started to have ideation.

I definitely think awareness and experience of death in early life changes you. I don't think you have the same security that maybe other children have because you become acutely aware of how fragile life is. Weirdly as well- it has given me the feeling that life is cheap- rather than precious. Whatever you do, or achieve. Whatever strength of love or relationships you form- death can just come along and take them all away. Rather than make me feel like these things are terribly precious- it has made me feel like nothing really matters.
 
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Float On Okay

Float On Okay

I won’t be okay.
May 13, 2020
53
As a child I had a dream about committing suicide, even though I wasn't suicidal at. Still remember the general basis of the dream. I told my sister about it and she told my mom about it.
 
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Kyrok

Kyrok

Paragon
Nov 6, 2018
970
At around the age of 10, I wrote a will in preparation for ctb. I was planning on either jumping or drowning. Not sure why I didn't.
 
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H

Hollowman

Empty
Dec 14, 2021
1,100
I had a plan to jump when I was 12. Wish I would've followed through.
 
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K

Klophy

Lost...
Jun 28, 2022
197
When I was young, I didn't really understand the concept of death.

However, there was always a sense of not wanting to be here. I wish I was able to go through with it when I was younger and more impulsive...
 
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P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,387
I can't remember that I ever had suicidal thoughts before my early 20s, but that was a very very short episode. However, after this short episode, it was always clear that suicide is an option when life is not worth living any more, regardless of the reasons one may have for that.

Somehow life brought me into a position to think deeply about it and making even real plans only in the past years.
 
Little_Suzy

Little_Suzy

Amphibious
May 1, 2023
877
I wasn't a sick or suicidal child. As an adult, my work made me sick.

Since childhood, my parents told me dying was normal. My parents worked high-risk jobs. Every day they told me to love and appreciate them while they were alive, because they can die at work and I'd never see them again.
 
leloyon

leloyon

Sick Of It All
Feb 4, 2023
956
I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I wrote a suicide note as a kid - not sure what age, but I moved out of the house I was living in at the time when I was ten years old, so sometime before then. I was very suicidal at ten and eleven, I researched suicide methods and told my friends in school that I would do it.
Depression runs in my family, add child neglect as a result of said depression and you can see how I became like this at such a young age.
 
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clockwork_cat

clockwork_cat

-
Feb 24, 2023
42
I read very young children struggle to understand the concept of death. They rather imagine it like a long journey where you come back after a long time. Though I am not sure whether this is true. I think these children are younger than the age of 8.

I often ask myself what a good approach to death is. Which relation to one's own transcience is healthy? One could also transfer that question to suicide. But that is even more difficult.

I cannot remember which notion I had of death as a child. I remember that my grandma died and I could not really understand that. I barely knew her and my dad was pretty sad. I thought of death as nothingness. Though at the same time my somewhat religious education influenced me. I barely can say somehing interesting about how I thought about death as a child because I barely remember anything.

Though I can remember my first thoughts about suicide. The first suicidal thoughts that I had was probably at roundabout 10. I had an argument with my mom in the car and I got the impulse to jump out of it. I was shocked by this thought and I had a guilty conscience because of it. It was not a serious suicidal thought. It went away after a short time.

Some years afterwards we talked about assisted suicide in religion class. I told this story way too often. I was a conservative to that time though I realized that their stance on assisted suicide is bullshit. And that they want to torture people who suffer for decades no matter what.

However I think my first suicidal thoughts to that time were weird. I consider some of them kind of childish now. This is at least how I personally consider them now. I thought of suicide as the perfect answer to my problems and I just had to get the courage to do it. The domestic violence fostered self-hatred with a wish for a violent suicide. This was one reason why I started to watch gore. I had a love for Japan and was fascinated by the notion of honor. I thought suicide was a symbol of honor to that time. Personally I think these thoughts were childish and naive. I read about the last guy who committed sepukku in Japan. I imagined to do something similar.

I think these thoughts were nuts. There were some mistakes in my thought process. The first one was: suicide was easy. It is the opposite suicide is extremely difficult and SI can be extremely strong. Since then I went through insane shit. Things I thought I would ctb after 5 seconds experiencing it and I am still here. I think one reason was I had no reliable method to that time.

Another mistake was: I had the feeling my suicide should be a statement. It should be a brutal one. I can understand why some people want that for example like self-immolation for political purposes. Though I came to the conclusion it is just not worth it. Nobody will be impressed by such an act. I read an heartbreaking article on a transwoman who self-immolated int he capital of my country. She wanted to demonstrate her torment and all the horrible things that she had to endure and I respect that. But I think it is not worth it. People made fun of her shared videos of her suicide and dead body. Mocked her for that etc.

I think many humans are just scum and you won't change anything no matter how graphic your message looks like. Most people will forget about such an act after a short time. Personally I came to the conclusion. My suicide should independent of my obsession what other people think of me. Many people are just garbage and my own life is more important that their judmental thoughts. It is not worth to plan your suicide on the basis of what other people think of you. Bullies won't be impressed by that anyway.

I try to be more rational. And this is why I came to the conclusion my method should as peaceful as possible (in contrast to my childish teenager thoughts). I suffered way too much there is no need to punish me further for all this insane pain. All these thoughts about honor were distorted. Honor is kind of an outdated concept and my own well-being is way more important than that. I think honor in some instances is just a fake notion of oneself that one wants to demonstrate. Not wanting to show vulnerability, not wanting to show weakness. But I think these thoughts are counterproductive. Everyone needs help from time to time. There is no need to feel ashamed about that.

In the end it is not important which image other people have of me. My suicide should be fully rational and a clear balancing about how I feel, about the prospects of my life, the remaining hope and life quality. Sadly these considerations are not very positive in my case. But I am glad that I tried what I wanted to try. Still the time and pain that will drive me over the edge will probably be beyond insanity. But at least my obsession how other people perceive me should not play a major role in that.
I remember in elementary school, I would've been seven or eight years old, in art class we were all working with clay. And the teacher instructed us to sculpt whatever we wanted for a class project. I made a gravestone with my name on it, my birthdate and then the death year being a few years later. I'm not completely sure why I sculpted this, this was before any gothic phases or exposure to certain media, I believe that I also just found comfort and beauty in death.

This warranted me a long guidance counselor and school principal lecture btw.. I had to destroy the gravestone and I made a cat instead so I wouldn't fail lol
 
telro

telro

I'm just tired
May 21, 2023
57
My childhood memories are a little fuzzy, but I think I've always wanted to die, though I'm not sure at what age exactly I learned about the concept. I just know that for all of my life I can remember, nonexistence has been of appeal to me. I've hated being aware of my own consciousness since the very beginning. I never wanted to be here in the first place
 
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toro

toro

dr pepper drinker
Feb 11, 2023
117
i dont remember what exactly i thought would happen when i died, but i remember laying on my bed and wishing that id never existed in the first place, id just look up at my ceiling and think about how loooong life drones on for.

i didnt know about suicide or selfharm until i was like, 9 or 10 (sheltered, i know), but ive known about murder since i first have my memories, my first proper memory is me walking in on a documentary and just looking at some gruesome gore on screen, and hearing about how the woman had been murdered and mutilated in incredible detail and for ages i thought that the only ways to die were from sickness/old age, or from murder. more stuff happened with this fixation on murder and gore while i was still little and it really affected me at the time i think, id sit on my bed and wish i could be murdered because i knew i was too young to die from old age, and my family is full of healthcare workers so sickness got caught QUICK. idk what i thought would happen to me after, but i had a really unhealthy obsession with the idea of being murdered, which eventually lead to some weird interests once i got older.

im normal now, but i do think a lot about it and wonder how much that affected my perception of death and the value of my own life, or if id be like completely different if i never ran into that sort of thing when i was young and unmonitored, but the past is the past and the me is the me, whatever happens goes
 
Tortured_empath

Tortured_empath

Arcanist
Apr 7, 2019
459
Once when I was around 16, in the middle of a high school class, I suddenly felt the full totality of the concept of death and was struck by a big wave of panic and despair. It would take an accident at 18 to make me seriously consider suicide for the first time. Now, many years later, these subjects are regular companions.
 
BoredomSeeker

BoredomSeeker

"A black light bulb. The repression of an idea."
May 25, 2023
100
When I first learned about suicide when I was around 8 or so, it didn't really make sense to me. "Why would anyone want to harm themselves like that and leave this world? Sure you can be sad occasionally, but isn't life fun?" Now I'm on a website discussing methods to Catch the Bus, how life changes.
 
NoLoveNoHope

NoLoveNoHope

Mage
Mar 25, 2023
548
Yes ever since I could grasp and understand the concept I have been thinking of it, the more I understand and learn the more I desire it.
 
QuartziteGlitter

QuartziteGlitter

Forgotten shard
Apr 27, 2023
11
That's an interesting question.

I, for once, spent hours thinking about what or how the afterlife would be. At some point I settled for the idea it would be just like before I was alive... As a child, you'd imagine I was not satisfied with that... I would often dream of dying, it was mildly chilling, and I cried a lot...


Didn't have any particular thoughts of dying myself at first, but it became tempting as years went on and things got steadily worse. My mother would beat me and yell at me whenever she read what I wrote. I can now imagine the pain and worry she felt... I wish I could take it back...
 
That's Not Me

That's Not Me

A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
Sep 14, 2022
108
I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I wrote a suicide note as a kid - not sure what age, but I moved out of the house I was living in at the time when I was ten years old, so sometime before then. I was very suicidal at ten and eleven, I researched suicide methods and told my friends in school that I would do it.
Depression runs in my family, add child neglect as a result of said depression and you can see how I became like this at such a young age.
It was very much like me. I don't have many childhood memories (I think my brain erased them to protect me), but I clearly remember the first time I heard about the concept of a testament. I was 6 or 7 years old (maybe 8). I remember that I was amazed by the idea, but I had forgotten the word, so as I knew I shouldn't talk about these things, I spent a long time trying to remember, until one day when I thought it was safe and asked in line at a supermarket near the school I was studying, "What is the name of that thing that people write with the things they are going to leave when they die?" and my mother answered " Testament". I think I kept repeating the word over and over in my head so I wouldn't forget it, but I still forgot it. Even though I couldn't remember the name, I had just learned to write and had a small blue notepad, so I wrote in pencil a list of my toys and who I was going to leave each one to with the title "Who I'm going to leave it to when I die". I had no plan to take my life, I guess it was more a feeling of wanting to escape things and I guess I already felt responsible for what was going to happen next. What happened was that my grandfather found the list. He was in a very dark moment, as was the whole family, and I know he cried. I don't remember exactly if I saw him crying and went to talk to him, if he came to me crying, or if my grandmother came to me and told me that he cried, but what I do know is that I learned that this is something that causes suffering in others. I always remembered this story, but only this year I caught myself thinking "hey, I guess I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember". A few years later, in July 2016, when I had just turned 12, I contacted a few emails to buy Nembutal. Some would not sell to me as they hadn't responded, some because they only accepted bitcoins, but one accepted the payment method I had available. I paid $300.00 (approx. $150 at the time) that I had saved. I had never really stopped to think that it was not normal for a 12 year old boy to have bought nembutal until this year. I guess we can't avoid fate.
 
Ambivalent1

Ambivalent1

🔥😈🔥
Apr 17, 2023
3,194
I was scared of it. I didn't know that one could kill themselves until I was a teenager. I was sheltered by the Disney channel and Jesus.
 
D

Duality

Harmony in Duality
May 27, 2023
164
I understood the concept of death when I was in kindergarten, so much so that I cried every time I thought about a family member "leaving". However I did not understand that one could kill oneself until later a bit later grade school, when my life turned completely upside down.

When I look back it is definitely not normal for one so young to understand what suicide is, and I am sorry to everyone who's life circumstances lead them to realizing that concept so early.
 
Ultracheese

Ultracheese

Arcanist
Dec 1, 2022
488
I talked a little about my sexual abuse here, so trigger warning for that.

When I was a really little kid, I would be very violent towards other kids, and even adults. I would tell them to kill themselves or that I would kill them without any understanding of what that meant. Later in life, I realized I was emulating my parents, who would often become incredibly verbally and physically aggressive toward each other during their frequent fights.

I first became seriously aware of death when I was 8. During summers, my parents sent me to stay with my "psychologist", and I would stay at his house along with his wife. He told me one night that both his father and one of his brothers had committed suicide, and that was his motivation for joining the profession. The idea of death seemed a little like running away, excited, if a little scary. I liked the idea of suicide. The unexpected nature of death frightened me. Why not take control of your own inevitable destiny?

The first time I attempted I was 10. I had (involuntarily) lost my virginity to the aforementioned psychologist and ran away with hopes of being run over by a drunk driver or something (I was 10, upset, and have never been all that bright. Obviously I was not thinking rationally). For better or worse, I was found by the police and sent back to him. That was the first time I realized that the desire to die was not something considered normal and something I could be punished for.

My choice of methods has mostly been about convenience. I have no desire to leave a bloodbath behind or traumatize someone, and I plan on taking precautions to minimize that, but if I do, then I do. I plan on jumping because that's how my best friend died and it's my weird way of honoring him. I don't have any desire to make a statement.

My views on death and suicide have stayed remarkably consistent for the past decade. I don't know if this is a sign that I have strong values or just evidence that I am immature and stubborn. Make of that what you will. I'm obsessed with honor, but that's probably because I'm an 18-year-old who thinks he's smarter and more virtuous than he actually is. I think your rationality and sensitivity towards yourself are more honorable than you think. I feel you don't give yourself enough credit. I think what you mention about trying to steer clear from being obsessive about others' perceptions of you is a good path to stay on.
 
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N

noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,534
I talked a little about my sexual abuse here, so trigger warning for that.

When I was a really little kid, I would be very violent towards other kids, and even adults. I would tell them to kill themselves or that I would kill them without any understanding of what that meant. Later in life, I realized I was emulating my parents, who would often become incredibly verbally and physically aggressive toward each other during their frequent fights.

I first became seriously aware of death when I was 8. During summers, my parents sent me to stay with my "psychologist", and I would stay at his house along with his wife. He told me one night that both his father and one of his brothers had committed suicide, and that was his motivation for joining the profession. The idea of death seemed a little like running away, excited, if a little scary. I liked the idea of suicide. The unexpected nature of death frightened me. Why not take control of your own inevitable destiny?

The first time I attempted I was 10. I had (involuntarily) lost my virginity to the aforementioned psychologist and ran away with hopes of being run over by a drunk driver or something (I was 10, upset, and have never been all that bright. Obviously I was not thinking rationally). For better or worse, I was found by the police and sent back to him. That was the first time I realized that the desire to die was not something considered normal and something I could be punished for.

My choice of methods has mostly been about convenience. I have no desire to leave a bloodbath behind or traumatize someone, and I plan on taking precautions to minimize that, but if I do, then I do. I plan on jumping because that's how my best friend died and it's my weird way of honoring him. I don't have any desire to make a statement.

My views on death and suicide have stayed remarkably consistent for the past decade. I don't know if this is a sign that I have strong values or just evidence that I am immature and stubborn. Make of that what you will. I'm obsessed with honor, but that's probably because I'm an 18-year-old who thinks he's smarter and more virtuous than he actually is. I think your rationality and sensitivity towards yourself are more honorable than you think. I feel you don't give yourself enough credit. I think what you mention about trying to steer clear from being obsessive about others' perceptions of you is a good path to stay on.
Your experience sounds extremely painful. It must be very traumatizing to be sexually abused at such a young age. I experienced domestic violence at a similar age and it destroyed my nervous system completely. It is such an unfair world that the victims suffer so much more than the culprits. I don't know how I could comfort you. I am currently struggling a lot and my feelings and thoughts are like a rollercoaster. Sometimes manic, sometimes psychotic and then again depressive. You are such a good, intelligent and empathetic young man. The world is such a cruel place where people like us despair while our abusers live with a way better life quality.
 
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themisfell

themisfell

Member
May 31, 2023
63
yeah, my first attempt was at 6 years old. to be fair, without proper diagnosis my struggles with things like bipolar disorder were much more severe as a child, but just because it was worse then doesn't mean it's okay now. sucks.
 

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