I never really was a lighthearted kid. I was abused since the age of 5. Life was really unfair and cruel and I had to learn that very early.
I don't know. I cried so much as a child. Every day for hours. Also in public my teachers or other people did not question it. I think there were signs I was in pain very early. There was an incident in kidergarten when I behaved very weird. I had the feeling I hurt someone and I felt a lot of guilt because of it. I can remember my mom asked someone if I might also be insane as my grandmother. A responsible mother would have asked a doctor. She instead beat me up when I behaved in a weird way. This was pretty brutal. The violence shaped me. It was not the physical pain which was the worst. I rather think the mental abuse was worse. The fact that people who should give me love instead abused me. There is something called Urvertrauen in psychology. On internet they translate it with basic sense of trust. And I think it is pretty well known that if you don't have a person you fully trust in your childhood many people develop severe mental health issues. Fits for me quite well.
I think when I was very young the crying was the main warning sign. I have read mental illness symptoms are quite different in young children. I am no expert on that. But I don't consider me as mental ill at this early stage.
When I grew older like 10 I developed a certain kind of sadness and melancholia. I coped by buying more and more games etc. Materially my mom gave me a lot. But in exchange she abused me hard for it. She kind of bribed me in order to obey her. Honestly I think I always was quite an innocent child. I already obeyed my mom. Her violence was partly arbitrary. I have read that arbitrary punishment can be mentally worse than punishment for a certain kind of behavior. But it is years ago I read literature about it I might be completely wrong.
There was this emptiness in me. I filled it with unhealthy food, My mom also kind of fatten me. But things got worse and worse. I think I already was on the road to mental illness at this age. But then puberty was extremely hard for me. Due to obesity I was very severely bullied. This only increased my social awkwardness/OCD and led to more bullying. I was an easy target.
At school I was bullied so hard and at home my mom beat me up daily. Life was nightmarish. An extreme bullying event made me paranoid. I could imagine this was the catalyst for my mental illness. Soon after that event I changed a lot. I developed a mixed manic-depressive episode at a young age. Due to that my suicidal thoughts started. I could not open up to anyone. I had an aim. To lose weight and get a good career. I became extremely disciplined, but also cognitively I changed a lot. I started to see a purpose in education. I was bullied for being stupid and watching trash TV. My parents raised me this way. I wanted to get out of this. I was ready to work hard for it. In fact I worked so hard that it became an obsession. I became suicidal but I could not stop it. This was a sign that my mania became stronger.
I find it weird why I developed in this way. I see my sister and dad who deteriorated very badly due to their mental illness. I think their thinking process is very slowed-down. In contrast to me my thoughts are very often racing and it can be agonizing as fuck. I really ask myself why I am how I am. I think it rather was nature not nurture in this instance (thinking process).
Many people also teachers considered me stupid. Classmates and parents too. When they saw how I changed many were impressed. But I should not care about that. They traumatized me and the damage will never heal. In the end I will end in poverty and probably kill myself. I should not care what other people think about me. The mixed-manic epsiode resulted in a psychotic breakdown. And my life went even more downhill. The following years were nightmarish. Then I developed a new manic episode which was by far the best time of my life. But I regret it a lot. After manic epsiodes the crashes are accompanied with extremely insane pain. I almost killed myself after the last crash. And I plan to kill myself when I crash again.
I think I am way more aware than in the past. Many people consider me now as very smart. But I only care so much about it because the bullying traumatized me. I think I am not that talented but I invest ridiulous amounts of time in education. It is all a facade.
After my first psychosis I was kind of shocked. I grew more mature. But I did not learn much of it due to wrong diagnosis with the wrong medication which led to another mania. Since my second psychosis I am very well aware I probably have to kill myself in the future. I am quite anxious. and I often wonder why all of this had to happen to me. My suicidal thoughts rather increased over time. I don't feel like there is another escape.
When I write all of this I think damn I had a pretty fucked up life. And honestly I am quite sure the worst is yet to come. After my last breakdown there was still this hope. The approaches which I have not tried. I clinged to them. And most of them failed utterly. Therapists told me they think I probably ctb and left me alone. I think one of them really liked me but he saw what the situation actually is like. And I am quite fucked. There is this tiny hope since I go to college again. But I have very strong doubts that this will save me. I think longterm I rather relapse because of it. I have the feeling I won't survive next semester and this makes me anxious as fuck.
I decided to put this in suicide discussion rather than off-topic. Becaus I want to conclude with the following. I am pretty sure people who are against assisted suicide will read this and say: Damn his life was so unfair suicide must not be the end of this story this would be too tragic. I admit it is quite tragic. But I cannot go on like this. Many doctors or therapists have dismissed my longterm wish to die. But there was one very empathetic doctor who asked me "Do you feel comfortable in your skin? I mean in general? Do you feel like comfortable with life?" This was one of the most compassionate replies to my suffering I have ever received. When I met her she always looked very concerned, she looked like she would not have slept well for a very long time. She changed her job after a while. Tbh I think I was one reason for that. They worried a lot about me. I basically told them I am suicidal like all the time. For years. And many users here think then they would force you to the clinic forever. This is not true. They only can force you to the clinic when you are acute suicidal. I think she once talked to herself about me when I was around here. She said something like "I mean we cannot put him in the psych ward forever" Lmao
I find it very paternalistic when people tell me I am not allowed to seek help for committing suicide. I would even face a fair process whether I am rational or not. I could cry or puke when I see politicans talk against the right to die for mentally ill people. Even only having this option (doctor assistance without costs) would give me tremendous relief. I was so happy that I cried when the highest court announced there will be liberal assisted suicide laws. Yeah the politicans in my country want to stop it. They want very restricive laws which is imo against the constitution. I think other average people don't have a clue how people like me feel. How it is to be tormented in this way. It is arrogant when they tell me I could not make that decision. All of my pain is real. Nothing is more real than this pain. I feel convinced for more than a decade that I want to commit suicide when I reach my limits. And I have my red lines. But the society looks away when people get this desperate. They say something unfair like that must not happen. But by not helping me in my darkest hours they even make me feel way worse. I don't want to hide my suicide plans, I want to say goodbye to the people I love, I don't want to have the insane agonizing anxiety to get permanent damage. I am pretty sure suicide is unavoidable for me. It is rather the question of how and when. But people who just deny the reality how much I suffer contribute to the cyncal torment that I am enduring since the age of 5. When I kill myself alone in my room, scared as hell to get permanent damage they will also be the ones who are responsible that I suffered in this immense nightmarish way.
Bruh this thread got a little bit too long. Sorry. I had to vent. The anxiety is killing me.
I don't know. I cried so much as a child. Every day for hours. Also in public my teachers or other people did not question it. I think there were signs I was in pain very early. There was an incident in kidergarten when I behaved very weird. I had the feeling I hurt someone and I felt a lot of guilt because of it. I can remember my mom asked someone if I might also be insane as my grandmother. A responsible mother would have asked a doctor. She instead beat me up when I behaved in a weird way. This was pretty brutal. The violence shaped me. It was not the physical pain which was the worst. I rather think the mental abuse was worse. The fact that people who should give me love instead abused me. There is something called Urvertrauen in psychology. On internet they translate it with basic sense of trust. And I think it is pretty well known that if you don't have a person you fully trust in your childhood many people develop severe mental health issues. Fits for me quite well.
I think when I was very young the crying was the main warning sign. I have read mental illness symptoms are quite different in young children. I am no expert on that. But I don't consider me as mental ill at this early stage.
When I grew older like 10 I developed a certain kind of sadness and melancholia. I coped by buying more and more games etc. Materially my mom gave me a lot. But in exchange she abused me hard for it. She kind of bribed me in order to obey her. Honestly I think I always was quite an innocent child. I already obeyed my mom. Her violence was partly arbitrary. I have read that arbitrary punishment can be mentally worse than punishment for a certain kind of behavior. But it is years ago I read literature about it I might be completely wrong.
There was this emptiness in me. I filled it with unhealthy food, My mom also kind of fatten me. But things got worse and worse. I think I already was on the road to mental illness at this age. But then puberty was extremely hard for me. Due to obesity I was very severely bullied. This only increased my social awkwardness/OCD and led to more bullying. I was an easy target.
At school I was bullied so hard and at home my mom beat me up daily. Life was nightmarish. An extreme bullying event made me paranoid. I could imagine this was the catalyst for my mental illness. Soon after that event I changed a lot. I developed a mixed manic-depressive episode at a young age. Due to that my suicidal thoughts started. I could not open up to anyone. I had an aim. To lose weight and get a good career. I became extremely disciplined, but also cognitively I changed a lot. I started to see a purpose in education. I was bullied for being stupid and watching trash TV. My parents raised me this way. I wanted to get out of this. I was ready to work hard for it. In fact I worked so hard that it became an obsession. I became suicidal but I could not stop it. This was a sign that my mania became stronger.
I find it weird why I developed in this way. I see my sister and dad who deteriorated very badly due to their mental illness. I think their thinking process is very slowed-down. In contrast to me my thoughts are very often racing and it can be agonizing as fuck. I really ask myself why I am how I am. I think it rather was nature not nurture in this instance (thinking process).
Many people also teachers considered me stupid. Classmates and parents too. When they saw how I changed many were impressed. But I should not care about that. They traumatized me and the damage will never heal. In the end I will end in poverty and probably kill myself. I should not care what other people think about me. The mixed-manic epsiode resulted in a psychotic breakdown. And my life went even more downhill. The following years were nightmarish. Then I developed a new manic episode which was by far the best time of my life. But I regret it a lot. After manic epsiodes the crashes are accompanied with extremely insane pain. I almost killed myself after the last crash. And I plan to kill myself when I crash again.
I think I am way more aware than in the past. Many people consider me now as very smart. But I only care so much about it because the bullying traumatized me. I think I am not that talented but I invest ridiulous amounts of time in education. It is all a facade.
After my first psychosis I was kind of shocked. I grew more mature. But I did not learn much of it due to wrong diagnosis with the wrong medication which led to another mania. Since my second psychosis I am very well aware I probably have to kill myself in the future. I am quite anxious. and I often wonder why all of this had to happen to me. My suicidal thoughts rather increased over time. I don't feel like there is another escape.
When I write all of this I think damn I had a pretty fucked up life. And honestly I am quite sure the worst is yet to come. After my last breakdown there was still this hope. The approaches which I have not tried. I clinged to them. And most of them failed utterly. Therapists told me they think I probably ctb and left me alone. I think one of them really liked me but he saw what the situation actually is like. And I am quite fucked. There is this tiny hope since I go to college again. But I have very strong doubts that this will save me. I think longterm I rather relapse because of it. I have the feeling I won't survive next semester and this makes me anxious as fuck.
I decided to put this in suicide discussion rather than off-topic. Becaus I want to conclude with the following. I am pretty sure people who are against assisted suicide will read this and say: Damn his life was so unfair suicide must not be the end of this story this would be too tragic. I admit it is quite tragic. But I cannot go on like this. Many doctors or therapists have dismissed my longterm wish to die. But there was one very empathetic doctor who asked me "Do you feel comfortable in your skin? I mean in general? Do you feel like comfortable with life?" This was one of the most compassionate replies to my suffering I have ever received. When I met her she always looked very concerned, she looked like she would not have slept well for a very long time. She changed her job after a while. Tbh I think I was one reason for that. They worried a lot about me. I basically told them I am suicidal like all the time. For years. And many users here think then they would force you to the clinic forever. This is not true. They only can force you to the clinic when you are acute suicidal. I think she once talked to herself about me when I was around here. She said something like "I mean we cannot put him in the psych ward forever" Lmao
I find it very paternalistic when people tell me I am not allowed to seek help for committing suicide. I would even face a fair process whether I am rational or not. I could cry or puke when I see politicans talk against the right to die for mentally ill people. Even only having this option (doctor assistance without costs) would give me tremendous relief. I was so happy that I cried when the highest court announced there will be liberal assisted suicide laws. Yeah the politicans in my country want to stop it. They want very restricive laws which is imo against the constitution. I think other average people don't have a clue how people like me feel. How it is to be tormented in this way. It is arrogant when they tell me I could not make that decision. All of my pain is real. Nothing is more real than this pain. I feel convinced for more than a decade that I want to commit suicide when I reach my limits. And I have my red lines. But the society looks away when people get this desperate. They say something unfair like that must not happen. But by not helping me in my darkest hours they even make me feel way worse. I don't want to hide my suicide plans, I want to say goodbye to the people I love, I don't want to have the insane agonizing anxiety to get permanent damage. I am pretty sure suicide is unavoidable for me. It is rather the question of how and when. But people who just deny the reality how much I suffer contribute to the cyncal torment that I am enduring since the age of 5. When I kill myself alone in my room, scared as hell to get permanent damage they will also be the ones who are responsible that I suffered in this immense nightmarish way.
Bruh this thread got a little bit too long. Sorry. I had to vent. The anxiety is killing me.
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