Discussion How has everyone come to terms with accepting that suicide is their final decision?

[kittycat089bunny]

I hope my question makes sense?
I hate how things have become this bad, and I'm being eaten by guilt because of how I feel and what I want to do. How has everyone accepted their decision? I'm trying to think about what will happen after, such as there will be no more pain or suffering and I will never have known that I ever existed.

 

[Sweet Release]

Thats a good question.
My life fell apart some years ago and I really wanted to die but I still held onto some kind of idea that I could rebuild my life and heal all the pain.
That is the case with some people but after years of trying the pain has not gone away and my life feels so empty and broken that I no longer want to save it.
I have come to peace with the knowledge that all the pain will soon be over.
At first I was frightened of it but know I am comforted by the thought of death.
Anyway thats how I am coming to terms with my decision.

 

[Hotsackage]

My death will kill my family, but i cant hold on any longer, things r getting worst

 

[noctiva]

Yes, I've always known I'll die by my own hand. I have to say, I've never attempted (well.. ish, once after my beloved grandpa died at the age of 7, so how serious was that, really?). But I've known since I was quite young that eventually I will kill myself. I want to be able to make my own end of life decision, I don't want to grow infirm, I don't plan on fighting any debilitating disease or see myself waste away. That was always the idea, I will die, when I feel I am ready to die, when I'm incapable to take care of myself and become a burden to others to take care of.
I have watched my grandparents die slowly over a prolonged period of time, from cancer, from old age, distorted and not looking like the people I knew, mentally and physically completely broken. I promised myself I wouldn't go through that. They also asked, in the end, to please be allowed to die, but since that is not allowed in my country, they got 'the best care possible' and received some more time on this beautiful planet, lying on intensive care with closed curtains, unable to eat themselves, unable to go to the bathroom or even speak. So for me, dying because my body can't go any further, that was always an acceptable option.
I recently needed to, and still am, making peace with death due to not being able and not being willing to go on for mental reasons. This is tougher than the physical conditions, seeing as the real question is when your mind is truly broken. Human minds can take more then human brains think, usually when you think 'It can't get any worse, I cannot go on anymore'.. you still can. But I've made my decision, basically I committed to it and I don't question it anymore. The peace with it is there, the question is just the timing now.

 

[lightsoutnow]

I've tried, exhausted energy and resources for that "better future" only to have minimal recompense. Tried medication, therapy, yoga, meditation, self help&heal... even sought justice from my abusers. but nope, still in terrible shape.

maybe i haven't tried enough.

maybe i haven't been looking for the right kind of help.

but i'm too tired to carry on. i just want to rest when sleep isn't restful anymore.

guilt is appeased when i've really, honestly tried.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I havent accepted it as such-it just feels like something that simply needs to happen now- i'm devasted, mortified, terrified and feel really sad for myself tbh, but I know with 99.9% certainty that my life is ruined beyond repair in so many ways- not got much choice- I have to do this.

 

[Sweet Release]

I've tried, exhausted energy and resources for that "better future" only to have minimal recompense. Tried medication, therapy, yoga, meditation, self help&heal... even sought justice from my abusers. but nope, still in terrible shape.

maybe i haven't tried enough.

maybe i haven't been looking for the right kind of help.

but i'm too tired to carry on. i just want to rest when sleep isn't restful anymore.

guilt is appeased when i've really, honestly tried.

My Facebook wall is full of motivational quotes and memes all about "rising again" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" etc....
It was nice to have the encouragement but I no longer believe that stuff anymore.
Sorry to hear you got abused and I can relate to the tiredness.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I've tried, exhausted energy and resources for that "better future" only to have minimal recompense. Tried medication, therapy, yoga, meditation, self help&heal... even sought justice from my abusers. but nope, still in terrible shape.

maybe i haven't tried enough.

maybe i haven't been looking for the right kind of help.

but i'm too tired to carry on. i just want to rest when sleep isn't restful anymore.

guilt is appeased when i've really, honestly tried.

Sounds like you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, did you get the justice you sought? I hope so!

 

[imstillhungry]

I've accepted there's no possible way my life could improve, and there's no point continuing to suffer for nothing. Suicide is my only option and the humane thing to do at this point

 

[TrailerTrash]

Yeah, I just can't fight the good fight anymore. Completely relate ....

 

[lowres]

Nothing has ever seemed worked out for me my entire life but more recently over the past year and a half my life and especially relationships with my immediate family has been deteriorating, I've also been rediculously paranoid and delusional lately. my current life circumstances and unemployment dont help either. I'm completely miserable and im beginning to lash out on others horribly and i want to end it before i end up doing anything too regrettable. My family will be upset but this is a better outcome then the complete degradation of my mental state turning me into a malicious beast.

 

[sala-samobójców.3]

I hope my question makes sense?
I hate how things have become this bad, and I'm being eaten by guilt because of how I feel and what I want to do. How has everyone accepted their decision? I'm trying to think about what will happen after, such as there will be no more pain or suffering and I will never have known that I ever existed.

You will never know you've existed, and noone will know you've existed It at least two generations, because no one will Tello about you, about what Will happen Next, you'll be very happy the day you've accepted that you are going to kill yourself and nothing will matter, and not everybody have accepted their decisión.
Others may have.
It's the feeling of nothing left.

 

[lightsoutnow]

My Facebook wall is full of motivational quotes and memes all about "rising again" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" etc....
It was nice to have the encouragement but I no longer believe that stuff anymore.
Sorry to hear you got abused and I can relate to the tiredness.

to me, motivational quotes are "wow thanks i'm cured" things.
it's the sort of tired that words can't describe, aye? lots of folks on here have talked about it.

Sounds like you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, did you get the justice you sought? I hope so!

in the eyes of the church community they live in, they are innocent because they're liars and narcissists.

but in the eyes of law, they have a record. which is good enough for me.

 

[Meant2Die]

What a good question. I am battling this everyday now since I decided I have to CBT soon. I'm basically having random outburts of crying every time my brain comes upon a moment where I think "I wont see my family again". Or something will happen when I think "I will really miss this" , like watching a good movie, or listening to good music, or as simple as driving my car, which I love to do (which is dumb bc im depressed and nothing really brings me much pleasure). But mostly its the idea of missing my family and friends that makes me feel so angry/distraught. My best friend just got diagnosed with cancer. I wont be around to help her get through chemo. I cry and ask "WHY , why do I have to leave them?" even though I know this is the only option bc I'm chronically ill and not getting better, and things are only getting worse and after 15 years I no longer can take the suffering my illness brings onto me, physically and mentally.

To me the crying is part pre-death grieving, part survival instinct kicking in saying "oh why don't you just stick around", but I know I can't. I have to CBT while I"m at a point in my treatment that things are a little better, while i still have a little autonomy and can walk and move around, as oppose to the summer when I was in bed 24/7 having to be fed and bathed by my mother bc my symptoms were so unbearable I couldn't care for myself.

Recently I realized the grieving, as painful as it currently is, is actually a good thing bc it will really prep me for the last day and when it comes I will be ready. No more feeling anxious or sad about what I have to do bc I will have let it all go by then, and all that will be left is to drink my SN and fall asleep.

 

[noctiva]

To me the crying is part pre-death grieving, part survival instinct kicking in saying "oh why don't you just stick around", but I know I can't. I have to CBT while I"m at a point in my treatment that things are a little better, while i still have a little autonomy and can walk and move around, as oppose to the summer when I was in bed 24/7 having to be fed and bathed by my mother bc my symptoms were so unbearable I couldn't care for myself.

Recently I realized the grieving, as painful as it currently is, is actually a good thing bc it will really prep me for the last day and when it comes I will be ready. No more feeling anxious or sad about what I have to do bc I will have let it all go by then, and all that will be left is to drink my SN and fall asleep.

Oh, I hear you, it's the same for me, I cried for myself for a really long time, asking why and what if and maybe I can... I've written my notes over a long period of time and rewritten them so many times to make them exactly as I want them to be, it was very emotional and helped me to prepare myself for the day I have to die. I have practiced it. I have visualized it repeatedly, over and over. If I am having a good moment I recall that I will end my life, I will visualize what I wear, where I am, what I do, which moves come first, where I go after taking it, what I will do. When I have bad moments, I recall the same. I am almost 'numb' to it now. I don't question it anymore, I've worked through (most) if the emotions, the fear, the anxiety, the anger.. I am at the point where I have made a commitment and that is that. I have this commitment and I will keep it (it also helps that I'm naively loyal and dedicated).

But I think the grieving process is a very important part of making your peace. I think the visualization helps with the practice, the more details you imagine and the more determined you imagine yourself, the better.

 

[Moonicide]

It took a while for me to get there. Many years of pain and loss has gotten me to where I'm at today.
My stomach is in knots as my ctb day is coming soon and I'm preparing with the regime.
I'm not exactly afraid to die. I think it's more about being nervous about the unknown, but willing to go through with it and finally see what it's all about.

 

[ninthhokage]

I think it's more about being nervous about the unknown, but willing to go through with it and finally see what it's all about.

I agree. I feel a bit uneasy when I think about what happens (or doesn't happen) next. But, then I remind myself that everyone will have to face the unknown eventually. Still scary though

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Well... I have no family left, all my friends are gone, I am 100% alone with a rare terminal illness that is very painful both physically but also neurologically and mentally. I lived 4 years longer than most people do with this... I actually love life, even being alone I love being alive... all these years have gone by and things like Halloween, the first buds in spring, trips to the beach, a sunset, the sound of the birds , and the smell of a fresh cut lawn in summer ... never got old... even in this state I cry because I actually love life, and I have been fortunate to have had a good one..

I always think of all the things I will miss... silly because I wont, either I'll move on to another form or the lights will just go out and my atoms will merge with the universe.

for me it's either prepare to take action or accept I may have to end up in state care with no choice in my treatment options...

 

[Final Escape]

I havent accepted it as such-it just feels like something that simply needs to happen now- i'm devasted, mortified, terrified and feel really sad for myself tbh, but I know with 99.9% certainty that my life is ruined beyond repair in so many ways- not got much choice- I have to do this.

Yea this is how I feel and 42 is old enough. I don't care to see myself at older ages.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yea this is how I feel and 42 is old enough. I don't care to see myself at older ages.

I'm not far of that age myself- I actually never had a problem with ageing per se before my breakdown-I liked the idea of getting older being a mother possibly, then maybe a grandmother some day, didn't care about loosing my youth/ looks - I've never fetishised youth in the way some people do- or ever thought that childhood or even yr20s/ 30s are meant to be the best days of your life. I actually really looked forward to all the good things that being old could bring. It's only now that I can't enjoy anything or any moment of any day that I don't want to proceed with life.

 

[Ark]

For me, I took a hard look at my life. And what my future looked like. With or without the health issues. Then I had hard talks with everyone I knew my passing would effect. I lost what made my painful life bearable and I am lucky that several people in my life understand that because they know how painful my life was already. And how much worse it is now. I am not even seeing doctors for my health issues anymore as it is a waste of time and money. The thought of eternal, peaceful sleep was the last thing that made me realize this is best for me. Since all that, I am completely at peace with my decision. Well, except one thing, thereis one person that my passing is going to hurt above all others. I have done all I can to prepare her, and make sure she has all the support she could ever have though. But I will confess I do feel bad for her. But I can't stay here any longer.

 

[Meant2Die]

I am almost 'numb' to it now. I don't question it anymore, I've worked through (most) if the emotions, the fear, the anxiety, the anger.. I am at the point where I have made a commitment and that is that. I have this commitment and I will keep it (it also helps that I'm naively loyal and dedicated).

But I think the grieving process is a very important part of making your peace. I think the visualization helps with the practice, the more details you imagine and the more determined you imagine yourself, the better.

omg, reading your post is like reading my own mind, we are so much alike when it comes to this. NUMB and prepared is exactly how I want it to feel when the day comes. Just a routine I've gone over my head a bunch of times. I am also naively loyal and dedicated and once I make a commitment I take that very seriously.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I figured even from a young age that suicide would be my destiny. I fundamentally do not want to live into old age. I have still not exactly accepted it but it's more or less putting an end to my years and years of suffering. Years of trying and nothing getting better. This is just a rational and logical decision...after so much suffering I just can't take it anymore. Existing purely for the sake of existing is miserable.

 

[Ark]

Well said. After I realized I was existing for others, then I was existing just to exist. That was a huge realization for me. Existing just to be here suffering? In any logical mind is just ridiculous. No thank you.

 

[Bruceleelives1969]

Well... I have no family left, all my friends are gone, I am 100% alone with a rare terminal illness that is very painful both physically but also neurologically and mentally. I lived 4 years longer than most people do with this... I actually love life, even being alone I love being alive... all these years have gone by and things like Halloween, the first buds in spring, trips to the beach, a sunset, the sound of the birds , and the smell of a fresh cut lawn in summer ... never got old... even in this state I cry because I actually love life, and I have been fortunate to have had a good one..

I always think of all the things I will miss... silly because I wont, either I'll move on to another form or the lights will just go out and my atoms will merge with the universe.

for me it's either prepare to take action or accept I may have to end up in state care with no choice in my treatment options...

what disease? i feel the same way!

 

[Final Escape]

I'm not far of that age myself- I actually never had a problem with ageing per se before my breakdown-I liked the idea of getting older being a mother possibly, then maybe a grandmother some day, didn't care about loosing my youth/ looks - I've never fetishised youth in the way some people do- or ever thought that childhood or even yr20s/ 30s are meant to be the best days of your life. I actually really looked forward to all the good things that being old could bring. It's only now that I can't enjoy anything or any moment of any day that I don't want to proceed with life.

Yea it's only a problem to age if u have not been able to set your life up in a way that older age is not lonely and depressing. If u take the wrong path your life will be really bad in your older age. By the time I wanted to be a mom I was too old lol! It didn't appeal to me when I was in the prime time to have them. Abortion was available so I could get out of it but I really wish it hadn't been because it's not natural and altered the course of my life in negative ways.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Think I have, as of tonight. Still no definite ctb date, but I know it's fast approaching. Can't say it isn't scary or hurts, but I just want that final embrace of peace.

 

[I’vehadenough]

Well... I have no family left, all my friends are gone, I am 100% alone with a rare terminal illness that is very painful both physically but also neurologically and mentally. I lived 4 years longer than most people do with this... I actually love life, even being alone I love being alive... all these years have gone by and things like Halloween, the first buds in spring, trips to the beach, a sunset, the sound of the birds , and the smell of a fresh cut lawn in summer ... never got old... even in this state I cry because I actually love life, and I have been fortunate to have had a good one..

I always think of all the things I will miss... silly because I wont, either I'll move on to another form or the lights will just go out and my atoms will merge with the universe.

for me it's either prepare to take action or accept I may have to end up in state care with no choice in my treatment options...

Wow. It's great that you can still find things you want to live for like the smell of grass. I take it then your choices are either to kill yourself or die in a hospital with a bunch of tubes in you?

 

[BlueWidow]

It seems like most people who have made up their minds about ctb feel like it's their only option. I certainly feel that way.
I basically have 2 options:

1). Live the rest of my life getting sicker & sicker until I run out of money and become homeless

2) CTB while I still have some money left to give to my husband's grandkids and I'm still able to take control of my own destiny.

I think I'll take door #2 for the win.

 

[I’vehadenough]

It took me a year to realize that my only choices are to live with the horrific consequences of a surgery gone wrong that has left me isolated from society in severe permanent pain or kill myself

Fuck me for making the bad decision to have the surgery in the first place. I have to wait a month before I kill myself, but every second I'm alive is scary AF

I think it might be easier to accept death when something physically horrifying has happened to you that destroyed your entire life...because unlike something non-physical causing pain, you can't hide it from people and their bad reactions combined with your own is too unbearable to worry about the consequences of death anymore