How fucked up am i?

[Stevenstevensteven]

The only time I tried to kill myself I failed. I build a mask, got pure helium from US local vendor. I also took 2x overdos quantities of hydro, oxy, and Tylenol. I drove my self to hospital 12 hours later after blacking out. That lead me to a bh center where.......

The reason why I want to know how fucked up I am, because I a 28yomale fell in love with an 18yo. My intent to kill myself was because a wife asking for divorce. The 18yo was in there after self harm and attempt that got her blacked out and raped. She met current at the time bf in bh. She gave me her number and we met up.

I have two kids which I split 50/50 custody with from ex marriage. The 18 yo gf was a sucky step mom. Like non existent, like she was 18 without a motherly bone In her body. A body I thought was sexy as fuck. She broke up with me in quarantine and said she would be with me if it wasn't for me kids. She's not cut out to be a step mom she said. I was and still am in love. I have SN, antimedics and ready to hop on the train. She won't change her mind, she's 20 now and can find a guy so fast. She's so fucken beautiful it hurts me to think ill never find anyone who is that pretty and likes me.
How fucked up am I for
one wanting to kill myself over a female again.
Two dating someone 18 yo when I'm a 28yo man with 2 kids expecting someone so young to want me.
3 dating someone from the behavior health unit, falling in love and expecting it to last
4 killing myself when I have two kids
5 killing myself when I know it is going to probably cause my kids to attempt
6 leaving my kids in a terrible spot with their mom never working and me being the primary bread winner.
7 with my kids having to grieve over my death for the rest of their lives. They are 6 and 7 BTW
8 letting down my mom who will probably kill her self too because if the grief. She's on edge already because of covid and her health issues. 9 for feeling relief in knowing at my death I don't have to feel all this worry

I have waited, im going to wait til Sunday morning to make sure this is my final week I lived. Sunday morning I will be clear for 40 hours of nobody. And no responsibility for 24.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Hey dude,
thank you for reaching out to us and asking for advice.

I'm 26 also male though not married nor am I currently in a relationship.
I want you to know that your feelings are valid.

There's nothing wrong with dating a pretty gal, even if she's younger than you.
28-18 might look like a large gap but she's the legal age she can start to make her own decision.
The fact she liked you is because she thinks you are mature and attractive, despite that, men are attracted to women of enormous beauty it's ingrained in human nature. Don't feel bad about it.

I think the problem lies where women in their young adulthood are not mentally mature enough to handle a family or become a stepmom,
they just don't have it in them and is unrealistic expecting them to do so.

To answer your question, you are not fucked up,
it feels to me like you are just really stressed out and looking for clarity.

Things become more complicated when you have kids, as a male, if you are not in a marriage or have kids, the world is your oyster.
When you have kids, there's more responsibilities and things to take into account.
I don't know how you feel about it but it sounds to me like you care a lot about your children and it sounds like you would make a good dad regardless the minor incidents that happened prior to this. If you decide to be around for your children, I'm sure they'd be grateful to have you on their side, teaching them how to ride a bike, mountain bike, fix a car or be there when they eventually get married.

I feel like life is something confusing and tough. Often times we do live for others yet we also live for ourselves.
It's important you ask yourself what you want, and stick to that as much as you can.

I hope this makes sense and help you feel a little bit better.
Find someone who you are mutually attracted to, and especially someone who is mature enough to be on your side and care for the kids.
It's important.

Sending you love and hugs OP.
I appreciate your courage in aiming to pinpoint the issues and for sharing with us.

I wish you well brother!

 

[Good4Nothing]

Yup, you're fucked up.
Join the club.
I'm here because I fell in love with a 22yo who crushed me like a bug, and I'm 48.
I'm convinced she was projecting her daddy issues onto me. It never would have worked - the outcome was inevitable. Still hurts, though.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Yup, you're fucked up.
Join the club.
I'm here because I fell in love with a 22yo who crushed me like a bug, and I'm 48.
I'm convinced she was projecting her daddy issues onto me. It never would have worked - the outcome was inevitable. Still hurts, though.

well these things happen. but yeah I agree with you, the breakup sucks regardless

 

[Despondent]

I'm not going to comment on you being "fucked up or not". We're all here because we have our own problems and I don't think anyone should really judge how "fucked" someone's experiences were and are.

On the other note, as an eighteen year old myself (I know you said she's now twenty) but not everyone is mother material at that age

 

[Stevenstevensteven]

I'm not going to comment on you being "fucked up or not". We're all here because we have our own problems and I don't think anyone should really judge how "fucked" someone's experiences were and are.

One the other note, as an eighteen year old myself (I know you said she's now twenty) but not everyone is mother material at that age

I mig

Hey dude,
thank you for reaching out to us and asking for advice.

I'm 26 also male though not married nor am I currently in a relationship.
I want you to know that your feelings are valid.

There's nothing wrong with dating a pretty gal, even if she's younger than you.
28-18 might look like a large gap but she's the legal age she can start to make her own decision.
The fact she liked you is because she thinks you are mature and attractive, despite that, men are attracted to women of enormous beauty it's ingrained in human nature. Don't feel bad about it.

I think the problem lies where women in their young adulthood are not mentally mature enough to handle a family or become a stepmom,
they just don't have it in them and is unrealistic expecting them to do so.

To answer your question, you are not fucked up,
it feels to me like you are just really stressed out and looking for clarity.

Things become more complicated when you have kids, as a male, if you are not in a marriage or have kids, the world is your oyster.
When you have kids, there's more responsibilities and things to take into account.
I don't know how you feel about it but it sounds to me like you care a lot about your children and it sounds like you would make a good dad regardless the minor incidents that happened prior to this. If you decide to be around for your children, I'm sure they'd be grateful to have you on their side, teaching them how to ride a bike, mountain bike, fix a car or be there when they eventually get married.

I feel like life is something confusing and tough. Often times we do live for others yet we also live for ourselves.
It's important you ask yourself what you want, and stick to that as much as you can.

I hope this makes sense and help you feel a little bit better.
Find someone who you are mutually attracted to, and especially someone who is mature enough to be on your side and care for the kids.
It's important.

Sending you love and hugs OP.
I appreciate your courage in aiming to pinpoint the issues and for sharing with us.

I wish you well brother!

In a way I'm seeking comfort. So thank all of you for reading my story. I feel so on the edge.. I get tired of soldiering being a great dad and living for them. I want to give up and be selfish. I' have never been selfish and always helped others. I have always pleased others, I wanna die for me and my reasons.

I want to die because I love her and because I failed the relationship with my baggage.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My response is to share -- without expectation or demand that you receive it-- something inspired by a short sentence I read, shorter than the first sentence below, which I recognized I have experienced, recognized I observe in others' experiences, and subsequently continue to develop understanding of. Though I speak as if these are deep and universal truths, they are really only what I embrace and love as my own, and try to use to guide me as an imperfect but sincere and conscientious person who wants to suffer less, and cause less suffering, by becoming ever more aware when and as I am capable.




It is difficult to move forward, improve, grow or heal when in a place of condemnation, or when condemning.

It's an illusion of a prison, one that includes punishments, chains, shackles, seemingly impenetrable or insurmountable walls, and excessive punishments, up to execution. Punishments are not consequences, and therefore are not natural.

But even in prison, one can find and create opportunities to improve, grow, heal, and move forward from the past, and from all root causes that instigated the condemnation. In this there is freedom no matter the current circumstances. All circumstances and conditions are impermanent, and subject to some form of change, though condemnation seeks to deny it.

Condemnation is never just. It makes no room for reformation, redemption, or even slight improvement. It demands that the past remain present, and in it, the one condemned. Also punished and imprisoned is the one who condemns, because they must always keep some form of watch to ensure the condemnation remains in effect, and so experience a different form of imprisonment, punishment, and limitation of forward movement. Therefore, both are trapped in the same illusion of condemnation, which emphatically denies that all circumstances, conditions, and subsequent motivations change, sometimes for worse, sometimes laterally, but also sometimes for better.

Condemnation of a human, rather than renouncing their truly harmful actions and seeking reformation, redemption or improvement, is therefore always invalid. Torturing or destroying the person does not improve or destroy the past. All we have is the present and the potential for the future, and in this, there is in every moment potential for improving and healing, even just a little bit, which allows more freedom in being safe for oneself and for others with whom they come in contact. Then prison walls evolve into boundaries. As inherently vulnerable and interactive beings, everyone needs boundaries, and to have them respected and honored.

Sometimes a boundary of distance may be required for the mutual safety and benefit of two or more people, whether temporarily or, if needed, permanently, but this is not a prison. It is a good fence, which allows each to move in their own defined personal and shared spaces free from experiencing or causing fear, hostility, or oppression, which stem from delusion, hatred or greed, rather than contentment, generosity, love or wisdom. As such, the boundary is an active gift: consciously given to the other, in awareness of and honor for the other, and also given to the self, in awareness of and honor for the self.

It is part of being interactive and social animals that what we do affects others, and what others do affect us. As such, we often naturally, without full awareness, respond in kind to what we experience in environments or to others' actions: meeting hostility with hostility, laughter with joy and lightness, respect with respect, etc. It is a gift to the self to become aware of how one is affected, and how one affects others and environments, and from there, if desired and if possible, to do something constructive with the knowledge gained by that awareness. The most constructive motivations come from contentment, generosity, love, wisdom, and compassion, not hatred, greed, delusion, or condemnation.





Therefore, in awareness of, honor, and compassion for us both, I sidestep any consideration of fucked up.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

dating someone from the behavior health unit

This is a really common thing. When it happens, it's because people are desperately (and I use that word without any kind of implied negative judgment) seeking connection with others who might understand them through the shared experience of a mental health crisis. Of course it can be problematic because if both people are struggling to begin with, the foundation of the relationship can be quite fragile, leading to its dissolution.

 

[Heavy]

Sounds like you're the man.

 

[Stevenstevensteven]

I

Sounds like you're the man.

I felt the highest high of my life when I was with her. She was my light out of the darkness. I helped her so much, so much it made it easy for her to leave me. I thought we were building a life together but she used me and made me feel foolish. I'm embarrassed, not the man.

This is a really common thing. When it happens, it's because people are desperately (and I use that word without any kind of implied negative judgment) seeking connection with others who might understand them through the shared experience of a mental health crisis. Of course it can be problematic because if both people are struggling to begin with, the foundation of the relationship can be quite fragile, leading to its dissolution.

I provided a great platform that changed her life forever. I helped with getting her ged, a job, secondary education, a mini cooper and a savings of 5k. I feel worse off then when I met her. She was a distraction that now I have to grieve both relationships. I hate being alone and this lonely. I am desperate. I know ill never meet someone as beautiful and perfect. I can find someone close but she was my twin flame.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I felt the highest high of my life when I was with her. She was my light out of the darkness. I helped her so much, so much it made it easy for her to leave me. I thought we were building a life together but she used me and made me feel foolish. I'm embarrassed, not the man.

I provided a great platform that changed her life forever. I helped with getting her ged, a job, secondary education, a mini cooper and a savings of 5k. I feel worse off then when I met her. She was a distraction that now I have to grieve both relationships. I hate being alone and this lonely. I am desperate. I know ill never meet someone as beautiful and perfect. I can find someone close but she was my twin flame.

I relate to all of this. This is pretty much what I just went through.

 

[Stevenstevensteven]

I relate to all of this. This is pretty much what I just went through.

How do you cope? I never drank or did drugs a day in my life til I was 29. After this break up I have done and drank so much to numb the pain and distract but all it does is lead me back here again. Love you all BTW.

 

[Good4Nothing]

How do you cope?

Well, first I found my way here - a suicide forum. I wasn't coping well at all while it was all crashing down.
I met her at a job, and for my sanity I had to leave it for another, I just couldn't stand seeing her. I was really losing it.
Then a week after I started that job I was offered a full time job in my chosen field making 3 times as much money, so I took it and I've been focusing on that. I enjoy it, and I like the people there, so that helps a lot.
I still think about her, my damn brain just won't let it go, but the heartache has been replaced with anger. I feel so betrayed.
I keep telling myself she's just an angry, spiteful, foolish child, and it's better that I learned what a POS she really is sooner rather than later.
I don't know if I'm lying to myself, but I have to believe that or I'll never get over it.
One good thing that came out of it all, though, is it's boosted my confidence again. It ended miserably, but I got the girl - I can do it again. Hopefully a saner one next time.
I had given up on women before I met this one. Hadn't had a girlfriend in years, was resigned to living the rest of my life alone.
I think I'm ready to try again. Meet someone new to occupy my thoughts, put my energy into, forget that wretched girl ever existed, forget the whole thing ever happened.
Meantime, I just ride out the anger that comes in waves. I can't stop my brain from thinking about it, so I just roll with it. It'll end eventually. "This, too, shall pass".

 

[Stevenstevensteven]

Well, first I found my way here - a suicide forum. I wasn't coping well at all while it was all crashing down.
I met her at a job, and for my sanity I had to leave it for another, I just couldn't stand seeing her. I was really losing it.
Then a week after I started that job I was offered a full time job in my chosen field making 3 times as much money, so I took it and I've been focusing on that. I enjoy it, and I like the people there, so that helps a lot.
I still think about her, my damn brain just won't let it go, but the heartache has been replaced with anger. I feel so betrayed.
I keep telling myself she's just an angry, spiteful, foolish child, and it's better that I learned what a POS she really is sooner rather than later.
I don't know if I'm lying to myself, but I have to believe that or I'll never get over it.
One good thing that came out of it all, though, is it's boosted my confidence again. It ended miserably, but I got the girl - I can do it again. Hopefully a saner one next time.
I had given up on women before I met this one. Hadn't had a girlfriend in years, was resigned to living the rest of my life alone.
I think I'm ready to try again. Meet someone new to occupy my thoughts, put my energy into, forget that wretched girl ever existed, forget the whole thing ever happened.
Meantime, I just ride out the anger that comes in waves. I can't stop my brain from thinking about it, so I just roll with it. It'll end eventually. "This, too, shall pass".

The girl found me, talked to me first. I wish I had the confidence to say I did it once I can do it again. I feel like anger usually is a road to self harm for myself so I tend to bottle it up. Is the girl why you are here?

 

[Good4Nothing]

The girl found me, talked to me first. I wish I had the confidence to say I did it once I can do it again. I feel like anger usually is a road to self harm for myself so I tend to bottle it up. Is the girl why you are here?

Our relationship evolved mutually, we worked together, and became friends. I told her if I was 20 years younger I'd steal her away from her boyfriend, and that started the snowball to hell.
Yes, she's why I'm here. Well, she was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've had suicide in my back pocket since I was 14.

 

[Meditation guide]

I want to die because I love her and because I failed the relationship with my baggage.

You'll probably have a lot more relationships and feel this way each time one ends so you can look forward to that.

 

[Stevenstevensteven]

Our relationship evolved mutually, we worked together, and became friends. I told her if I was 20 years younger I'd steal her away from her boyfriend, and that started the snowball to hell.
Yes, she's why I'm here. Well, she was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've had suicide in my back pocket since I was 14.

I cant sleep, and that's partially the issue. You are stronger than I am my friend. I can't have suicide in my back pocket because ill pull the trigger. He'll I have sn that I'm going to take if this weekend disappoints. I don't have my kids starting 8 am and by Sunday if I still feel like shit I'm out. I won't eat past noon on Saturday just in case, and if things go well. Then I'll have a nice breakfast Sunday to celebrate another week I made it through without killing me. Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not alone suffering. It helps take the edge off a bit, still sucks, but thank you

You'll probably have a lot more relationships and feel this way each time one ends so you can look forward to that.

Unless I view all this circular cycle meaningless and accept i have achieved enough and just end it. Then I don't gave to feel the rejection, the breakup nothing. All the suffering and my pain go away.
Plus covid plays as a nice cover for my kids, dad got sick and died. Not dad committed suicide. Thinking positively

You'll probably have a lot more relationships and feel this way each time one ends so you can look forward to that.

Unless I view all this circular cycle meaningless and accept i have achieved enough and just end it. Then I don't gave to feel the rejection, the breakup nothing. All the suffering and my pain go away.
Plus covid plays as a nice cover for my kids, dad got sick and died. Not dad committed suicide. Thinking positively

 

[BrokenAlien]

The only time I tried to kill myself I failed. I build a mask, got pure helium from US local vendor. I also took 2x overdos quantities of hydro, oxy, and Tylenol. I drove my self to hospital 12 hours later after blacking out. That lead me to a bh center where.......

The reason why I want to know how fucked up I am, because I a 28yomale fell in love with an 18yo. My intent to kill myself was because a wife asking for divorce. The 18yo was in there after self harm and attempt that got her blacked out and raped. She met current at the time bf in bh. She gave me her number and we met up.

I have two kids which I split 50/50 custody with from ex marriage. The 18 yo gf was a sucky step mom. Like non existent, like she was 18 without a motherly bone In her body. A body I thought was sexy as fuck. She broke up with me in quarantine and said she would be with me if it wasn't for me kids. She's not cut out to be a step mom she said. I was and still am in love. I have SN, antimedics and ready to hop on the train. She won't change her mind, she's 20 now and can find a guy so fast. She's so fucken beautiful it hurts me to think ill never find anyone who is that pretty and likes me.
How fucked up am I for
one wanting to kill myself over a female again.
Two dating someone 18 yo when I'm a 28yo man with 2 kids expecting someone so young to want me.
3 dating someone from the behavior health unit, falling in love and expecting it to last
4 killing myself when I have two kids
5 killing myself when I know it is going to probably cause my kids to attempt
6 leaving my kids in a terrible spot with their mom never working and me being the primary bread winner.
7 with my kids having to grieve over my death for the rest of their lives. They are 6 and 7 BTW
8 letting down my mom who will probably kill her self too because if the grief. She's on edge already because of covid and her health issues. 9 for feeling relief in knowing at my death I don't have to feel all this worry

I have waited, im going to wait til Sunday morning to make sure this is my final week I lived. Sunday morning I will be clear for 40 hours of nobody. And no responsibility for 24.

Steven... I found you. I love you I fucking miss you and I wish I could've stopped this sooner... I should've stayed I should've worked on our relationship more... And I was desperate to find some trace of you here and here you are and I'm too late. I can't bear this pain I really can't and I guess we are so similar after all because I came to this site planning the same suicide method.. I didn't know it was SN and here I've been trying to find a way to do the same. Fuck this is the most painful thing... now you're gone and I'm so fucked up. I'm in so much pain... I love you my twin flame.. my alien my other half.. II am so sorry I am so sorry...

 

[KleinerWolf]

Steven... I found you. I love you I fucking miss you and I wish I could've stopped this sooner... I should've stayed I should've worked on our relationship more... And I was desperate to find some trace of you here and here you are and I'm too late. I can't bear this pain I really can't and I guess we are so similar after all because I came to this site planning the same suicide method.. I didn't know it was SN and here I've been trying to find a way to do the same. Fuck this is the most painful thing... now you're gone and I'm so fucked up. I'm in so much pain... I love you my twin flame.. my alien my other half.. II am so sorry I am so sorry...

Sorry for your loss.
Not to sound inconsiderate but are you the wife or the gf?

 

[BrokenAlien]

Sorry for your loss.
Not to sound inconsiderate but are you the wife or the gf?

I'm the 20 yr old girlfriend. Thank you for saying that, I really have no idea how to get through the pain and guilt I feel

 

[KleinerWolf]

I'm the 20 yr old girlfriend. Thank you for saying that, I really have no idea how to get through the pain and guilt I feel

This is gonna sound controversial, but I actually do not think it's your fault, at all.

I'm the 20 yr old girlfriend. Thank you for saying that, I really have no idea how to get through the pain and guilt I feel

Sorry if I didn't word it properly.
English is not my first language.

I'm sure he meant a lot to you.
I just wanted to say that suicide was a choice.
People are responsible for themselves.
No one else should take the blame. It's not fair.

I'm sorry for your loss.
But I just wanted to point it out it is not uncommon for victims of self-inflicted death to fall into guilt-tripping.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Oh, no, I didn't know Steven caught the bus.
Sorry I wasn't there for you, pal.

I'm sorry for your loss, BrokenAlien.

 

[Nutshell]

Yup, you're fucked up.
Join the club.
I'm here because I fell in love with a 22yo who crushed me like a bug, and I'm 48.
I'm convinced she was projecting her daddy issues onto me. It never would have worked - the outcome was inevitable. Still hurts, though.

I'm 31, when I was 30 I fell in love with someone who'd just turned 22, in the back of my mind I wasn't sure if it would work out/ if we were right for each other but I adored him and we lasted nearly two years. We broke up earlier this year and it still hurts. It always does.

 

[DJJE]

I'm the 20 yr old girlfriend. Thank you for saying that, I really have no idea how to get through the pain and guilt I feel

To be very clinical about the situation and probably a bad time to say this but.

There's no way this is your fault and the expectations placed on you seem grossly unfair.

 

[bov]

I'm the 20 yr old girlfriend. Thank you for saying that, I really have no idea how to get through the pain and guilt I feel

Hi Broken,

Forgive the rhetoric but your life can be so much bigger than this man and this experience. What he did is not your fault, nor was it your responsibility to give him anything in exchange for all those gifts and favors. Also it's 100% okay that you didn't feel up to raising his children. I try to refrain from explicitly discouraging CTB here but in your case, I see nothing but upsides to your sticking around and trying to heal.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Hi Broken,

Forgive the rhetoric but your life can be so much bigger than this man and this experience. What he did is not your fault, nor was it your responsibility to give him anything in exchange for all those gifts and favors. Also it's 100% okay that you didn't feel up to raising his children. I try to refrain from explicitly discouraging CTB here but in your case, I see nothing but upsides to your sticking around and trying to heal.

Thank you so much, you're really kind. I looked at his playlist and a few of the songs were ones I made for him in a playlist once. I think that it was unfair in a lot of ways what he put me through, and originally I held anger at him for his abusive behavior. And then finding out this news has made me regret everything, and left me in this state where I'm just stuck. It's painful because I blame myself so much and have this war in my head. But truly, your compassion has helped me. I appreciate it so much.

 

[bov]

Thank you so much, you're really kind. I looked at his playlist and a few of the songs were ones I made for him in a playlist once. I think that it was unfair in a lot of ways what he put me through, and originally I held anger at him for his abusive behavior. And then finding out this news has made me regret everything, and left me in this state where I'm just stuck. It's painful because I blame myself so much and have this war in my head. But truly, your compassion has helped me. I appreciate it so much.

Everything you're feeling makes sense, and will be temporary. <3

 

[BrokenAlien]

Oh, no, I didn't know Steven caught the bus.
Sorry I wasn't there for you, pal.

I'm sorry for your loss, BrokenAlien.

Thank you for being there for him in those moments.

 

[Nutshell]

I'm the 20 yr old girlfriend. Thank you for saying that, I really have no idea how to get through the pain and guilt I feel

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine what you must be going through. I too have only realised and I was not aware when I posted. Stay strong. Sending all the love, strength and positive energy I can summon your way.
Much love and peace.
B Xxx