How does one mentally prepare for CTB?

[Wayfaerer]

I have set my date for late November and I wanted to know how to mentally prepare for following through. I am not CTB because I have a innate hatred for life (even though there are serious problems with it!) but due to very unfavorable circumstances with lifelong implications. I have decided that my last straw is going to be failing out of school despite having made it very far (only 3 classes left but they're my hardest!) If it weren't for the coronavirus pandemic, I am sure that I would've died back in april/may of this year but it had prolonged my existence by 6 months. I loved school, don't get me wrong, and there isn't a place that I would've rather been but other circumstances have made life unbearable for me in the long-term. I have used up all of my drops and the only choice I am left with this semester is to fail all across the board. Taking time off of school would've been impossible considering my parents so I had to enroll against my will. I also get free money for enrolling each semester so I wanted to make up for whatever lost time I had. Suicide when it practically speaking is not a choice makes it extremely stressful. Seeing how I have never attempted suicide before, I will be delving into a world of unknowns that I have no experience with.

I maintain a lot of unrealized ambitions and I have a lot of life experiences that I missed out on and remain unfulfilled. I am young but not very young as I'm already in my late 20's. A couple of years ago, I finally discovered what it actually meant to "live" and it changed my perspective a lot. However, it was pulled away from me almost as fast as I had attained it. If I had felt this earlier, I would've not pissed around so much. All of this makes the prospect of suicide even more gut-wrenching than it otherwise would've been. The way I thought of it in the past is that when I die, from my perspective it will be as if I had never lived at all so why would it matter? I suppose that's true but being aware of it in life is still a titanic downer. I am also sure that I will surprise everyone in my family despite how wretched I look, they wouldn't have been able to expect this outcome. The timing is also shitty because last year I at least took peace in the fact that I wouldn't be killing myself around the holidays but I cannot put it off anymore. I have decided on CTB since the beginning of summer last year and no matter how much time I had to dwell on it, it still hasn't gotten any easier.

How do I make peace with a premature death that you can see coming like the headlights on an incoming train -- a death that I will be inflicting upon myself? What are my odds if I had never attempted before? How can I be sure that no matter how bad it gets that I won't back out out of instinct? How do you get ready when it comes time to make the most important decision in one's life?

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Thanks for sharing this.

Perhaps try not to see it as a 'premature death'? Maybe you could tell yourself that you had a certain time here, and whatever the outcome it was all just meant to be?

I don't know about the odds. It depends on the method, and how prepared you are I guess

As to making sure you won't back out, I don't think you can ever know for certain. All you can do is to make sure this is something you really want to do, and try to 'accept' it..

Having said all that, are you definitely sure that things can't get better? Have you explored all possible options?

 

[StateOfMind]

From my experience the more you think, plan and try about it the easier it seems to get (getting closer to death). Eventually you will get bored "trying again" and will commit when you have found a method that suits your circumstances.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Thanks for sharing this.

Perhaps try not to see it as a 'premature death'? Maybe you could tell yourself that you had a certain time here, and whatever the outcome it was all just meant to be?

I don't know about the odds. It depends on the method, and how prepared you are I guess

As to making sure you won't back out, I don't think you can ever know for certain. All you can do is to make sure this is something you really want to do, and try to 'accept' it..

Having said all that, are you definitely sure that things can't get better? Have you explored all possible options?

I am in it deep. I do not look at suicide as casually as I once did long ago. If I truly thought that I could make it through and live a decent life afterwards than I'd be working towards that. It's hopeless.

I have a very unpleasant chronic health issue now that I am unwilling to have my life revolve around (it'll also get worse with time!), along with serious dental issues and since this all started in the last half of 2018 my GPA has been dropping like a rock. There is no way that I can even graduate with a GP above 3.0 now even if by divine miracle I ace everything this semester. Well, you know how little I believe in those things. The only shred of doubt that has been casted on me is the fact that we are in an age of rapid technology advancement so I think maybe they can totally fix my issue but then how old would I be then? If we were living 50 years ago, I'd definitely be 100% ready for death but I've always wanted to see "the future."

My youth is fleeting, I realized how much I had just utterly wasted my life until the end of 25 when all my problems seemed to just evaporate away and I could function at full capacity. I found my calling in life and it's been slowly fading away from me over the past year-and-a-half. I had already seen an escort to lose my virginity and that was perhaps the most pathetic thing that I have ever done in my life. It's all just really sad, man. I've struggled a lot in my life but these last two years have been fucking brutal on me and I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I've never felt this feeling of resignation that people occasionally talk about until all of this began. I feel so dead already but I've also never had a greater appreciation for life and what it can offer. I'm just been in an insurmountable pit that I see no way of realistically crawling out of. Having my dream career that I was 110% sure that I wanted to do for the rest of my life slip past me like this has definitely added more fuel to the flame.

I can't really go into deep detail as to why exactly I am suicidal but I know that untold scores of people have taken their own lives over much less.

 

[ostsrsbs]

I don't know. I was thinking about this earlier and had a thought.

I was thinking whether the suicide rate of people on here is lower than the overall suicide rate amongst people who would describe themselves as suicidal, because we're here writing about it and therefore maybe less likely to actually act on it? I don't know.

I've been "suicidal" since I was twelve years old. I've had several attempts, some were VERY close, but I've not had a (serious) attempt in a few years now. And yet I want to die as soon as possible. I think thinking about sad things and what we COULD have done, isn't the most conducive to actually CTB. I think the 'just do it' approach is probably more fruitful- just seeing it as a bunch of individual tasks (open the pills. take 20 out. take a glass of water. drink water with tablets.) or whatever it is- the point is that I think doing it in the least emotional way is probably best. Just see it as a bunch of things to do.

As for death and dying -- the more we think about that , the more sad we get (at least if you're like me). But dying itself is just like falling asleep, right? once we're gone, we won't feel anything. even if the method causes pain, if we do it right then there'll be nothing after that pain.

 

[Wayfaerer]

From my experience the more you think, plan and try about it the easier it seems to get (getting closer to death). Eventually you will get bored "trying again" and will commit when you have found a method that suits your circumstances.

Since I became suicidal, I noticed that I've been really procastinating on getting things done prior to suicide. It's like my subconscious refuses to give up despite how grim things are and I take this as a bad omen for when the time comes. The problem is is that when the time DOES come, I will need to end it all so I have to make sure that there is no chance that my instinct overpowers me.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. One of the best resources I've found on this subject is this thread. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ways-of-making-peace-with-dying.5212/

 

[esse_est_percipi]

how are you planning to ctb? Or maybe you don't want to talk about it

 

[Wayfaerer]

how are you planning to ctb? Or maybe you don't want to talk about it

SN. I already have the bottle but I still need the antiemetics. I've always had access to firearms but I'd rather not have the anti-gun lobby parade my corpse around to show how "evil" guns are. I plan on doing it in a hotel room at night.

 

[foxdie]

Our survival instinct is strong, slowly developed over millions of years of evolution. It is not an easy thing to overcome. I'm suicidal, I think about all the time but I just can't follow thru. I've found setting a date doesn't work for me and sets me up for more failure. You're not alone in this mon ami. This is not easy.

 

[ostsrsbs]

Our survival instinct is strong, slowly developed over millions of years of evolution. It is not an easy thing to overcome. I'm suicidal, I think about all the time but I just can't follow thru. I've found setting a date doesn't work for me and sets me up for more failure. You're not alone in this mon ami. This is not easy.

agreed, setting a date likely won't ever work. it's like quitting smoking or something. it worked best for me when I just suddenly went cold turkey.

Similarly with my history of suicide attempts, I've only ever actually came close to dying when I was in the moment and just did it. If i set a date for next friday I'm just going to spend the next week ruminating on it and therefore (in my experience) less likely to actually DO it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Our survival instinct is strong, slowly developed over millions of years of evolution. It is not an easy thing to overcome. I'm suicidal, I think about all the time but I just can't follow thru. I've found setting a date doesn't work for me and sets me up for more failure. You're not alone in this mon ami. This is not easy.

I was thinking that due to the damage that being suicidal has already inflicted onto my life as well as the damage yet to come (failing out of my school and my dreams being finally crushed), that will overcome the instinct but even then, which will be stronger? Not knowing this ahead of time is terrifying!

 

[foxdie]

I was thinking that due to the damage that being suicidal has already inflicted onto my life as well as the damage yet to come (failing out of my school and my dreams being finally crushed), that will overcome the instinct but even then, which will be stronger? Not knowing this ahead of time is terrifying!

You can't know ahead of time imo. That suicidal moment, when you can really follow thru is a particular state of mind. There are no guides out there to prep for this outside of this site maybe. I want to die and could just jump off my balcony at any time but I don't. It's really hard...

 

[Wayfaerer]

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. One of the best resources I've found on this subject is this thread. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ways-of-making-peace-with-dying.5212/

I will be sure to read that. Thank you!

 

[foxdie]

I also thought alcohol could help me overcome my SI but I just end up bawling my eyes out and blacking out. It could work for others tho

 

[Wayfaerer]

You can't know ahead of time imo. That suicidal moment, when you can really follow thru is a particular state of mind. There are no guides out there to prep for this outside of this site maybe. I want to die and could just jump off my balcony at any time but I don't. It's really hard...

That's what I've feared because it's getting to a point now where my life is going to be worse than death. If I flunk out of school I will certainly be homeless and at the age of 28 I have zero work experience-- not that I would even bother trying to salvage this mess at that point.

When I say that I had wasted my life, I mean I had REALLY wasted it. I'm not talking about the people who usually complain of wasting their lives by playing video games all day or watching anime, I mean something much worse than that. I had lived my life like I were following a religion and I had been excommunicated from despite years of dedication I had spent on it. I made sacrifices during all those years and I did not enjoy my time wasted. It was all for nothing! I can only imagine this is how it feels when someone who has dedicated their life to a master piece for decades and then before it is finished it is destroyed. I was trying to play the long game but in the end, it all cut short so suddenly. I'd rather be dead than think about it! Nihilism and self-medication are the only mental comforts that I have left.

God forbid should we actually do live in an infinite time-loop. I've heard some decent counter-arguments regarding it but the mere possibility of such a grotesque and hideous thing makes me want to tear all of my hair out!

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I was thinking that due to the damage that being suicidal has already inflicted onto my life as well as the damage yet to come (failing out of my school and my dreams being finally crushed), that will overcome the instinct but even then, which will be stronger? Not knowing this ahead of time is terrifying!

is it possible to fail out for what you have your heart set on but to end up doing something much better? I'll be 49 soon. I have some years on ya. I first tried at 12 than about 16,17. I was born in hell. My life was hell until I had my son at 20. I was a single mom loved every second of it. I did not end up being the veterinarian I swore I was going to become because I was a single mom and a very mixed up teenager. I do rescue wildlife and dogs. I think being a mom when I was and rescuing wildlife and dogs is much more rewarding than being a greedy veterinarian. You might have a different rewarding future in something else. If this is school driven.

I know for me- if I had the materials I wouldn't question how to talk myself into it- I am ready to go. I've slowly been working on things like I got my doc to do a DNR 4 months ago. That little piece of paper means they can watch me dying and only can watch maybe give a shot to make it less painful. NO life saving measures allowed. I intended to take my medicine cabinet that makes my drug addict brother jealous haha. I just learned of SN a few days ago and I feel joy and at peace knowing it will do the trick. I'm working out getting the right anti emetic because I have taken opioids for years and if I do just 30mg I vomit.

 

[Wayfaerer]

is it possible to fail out for what you have your heart set on but to end up doing something much better? I'll be 49 soon. I have some years on ya. I first tried at 12 than about 16,17. I was born in hell. My life was hell until I had my son at 20. I was a single mom loved every second of it. I did not end up being the veterinarian I swore I was going to become because I was a single mom and a very mixed up teenager. I do rescue wildlife and dogs. I think being a mom when I was and rescuing wildlife and dogs is much more rewarding than being a greedy veterinarian. You might have a different rewarding future in something else. If this is school driven.

I know for me- if I had the materials I wouldn't question how to talk myself into it- I am ready to go. I've slowly been working on things like I got my doc to do a DNR 4 months ago. That little piece of paper means they can watch me dying and only can watch maybe give a shot to make it less painful. NO life saving measures allowed. I intended to take my medicine cabinet that makes my drug addict brother jealous haha. I just learned of SN a few days ago and I feel joy and at peace knowing it will do the trick. I'm working out getting the right anti emetic because I have taken opioids for years and if I do just 30mg I vomit.

I'm not failing school because I'm having second thoughts of doing something else. I'm failing because I am suicidally depressed and cannot function at all. I have permanent health problems aside from school and it's destroying everything... I already feel permanently dead inside so I may as well wrap it up and call it a "life," which would be an gross indignity to the word. Also, I don't think DNR's count if it's an apparent suicide unfortunately which is really shitty. They're kind of like prenups from what I understand: Worthless pieces of paper.

Thank you for sharing though.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm not failing school because I'm having second thoughts of doing something else. I'm failing because I am suicidally depressed and cannot function at all. I have permanent health problems aside from school and it's destroying everything... I already feel permanently dead inside so I may as well wrap it up and call it a "life," which would be an gross indignity to the word. Also, I don't think DNR's count if it's an apparent suicide unfortunately which is really shitty. They're kind of like prenups from what I understand: Worthless pieces of paper.

Thank you for sharing though.

your welcome. I now understand more.

In my case because I have a life long progressive condition- emphysema with respiratory failure history. they must follow the DNR. My doc was somewhat hesitant about it. He has tried to help me through the death of my son. I told him flat out- why would I want to wake up again from respiratory failure? my son is gone- pills wont fix it. I can only be reunited with him. So doc gave in. With my health and a DNR I am a potential to sue if they do anything other than assist with meds to speed up a process. Morphine when lungs are failing helps just as an example. It speeds it up so you aren't gasping suffering for days. I tried to actch covid but I am unlucky

 

[Wayfaerer]

your welcome. I now understand more.

In my case because I have a life long progressive condition- emphysema with respiratory failure history. they must follow the DNR. My doc was somewhat hesitant about it. He has tried to help me through the death of my son. I told him flat out- why would I want to wake up again from respiratory failure? my son is gone- pills wont fix it. I can only be reunited with him. So doc gave in. With my health and a DNR I am a potential to sue if they do anything other than assist with meds to speed up a process. Morphine when lungs are failing helps just as an example. It speeds it up so you aren't gasping suffering for days. I tried to actch covid but I am unlucky

I was not aware of that. Maybe DNR's have different levels? I could understand them having to follow through if you have chronic health conditions as that would make sense. Then again, we live in a society where humans are not always rational and when they are, they are machiavellian.

and wow, I am very sorry to hear about your son.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I was not aware of that. Maybe DNR's have different levels? I could understand them having to follow through if you have chronic health conditions as that would make sense. Then again, we live in a society where humans are not always rational and when they are, they are machiavellian.

and wow, I am very sorry to hear about your son.

thank you. I just made a post and warned I may make some motherly advice here and there. I can't help it. It was my life- it's why Ive got to CTB-to go to my son. Where I live if you have a chronic life threatening / progressive condition the doc 1 signs your DNR or refers you to a doc who has no emotional involvement who might sign. Given I had full respiratory failure on life support in 2013 and 2 cases almost full after they have no choice but to give me a DNR. I could go to a different doc with my med records if mine denied me. There is only progression of emphysema and no chance at recovery. I know I wont live to be old I bet I'd be lucky to see 55. Hard to believe I'm seeing 49. I've just been here 3 years longer than I am needed.

 

[Wayfaerer]

thank you. I just made a post and warned I may make some motherly advice here and there. I can't help it. It was my life- it's why Ive got to CTB-to go to my son. Where I live if you have a chronic life threatening / progressive condition the doc 1 signs your DNR or refers you to a doc who has no emotional involvement who might sign. Given I had full respiratory failure on life support in 2013 and 2 cases almost full after they have no choice but to give me a DNR. I could go to a different doc with my med records if mine denied me. There is only progression of emphysema and no chance at recovery. I know I wont live to be old I bet I'd be lucky to see 55. Hard to believe I'm seeing 49. I've just been here 3 years longer than I am needed.

I appreciate motherly advice. Unfortunately for me, yours just didn't apply to me due to the specific circumstances that I am in. You are certainly right though, regardless. Just because one thing didn't work out doesn't mean something else can't. I was truly dead-set on what I was doing and never have I been more excited for something aside from being a kid and school was being let out for the summer. I was even ambitious enough in my thinking to go for a Ph.D at some point in the near future once I had graduated and got some working experience over a few years.

I was very much looking forward to to what was in store for me after years and years of seemingly pointless misery and anguish. It was all an illusion sadly, and I've never been more miserable in my life than now. I couldn't even begin to put into words what I was experiencing from the age of 18-20 other than it was my lowest point up until the past couple of years. 12-18 has also been very sad for me due to being homeschooled and isolated. The ages of 21-25 have also been rough on me mentally but 26-28 is the deepest pit that I have ever been in. No light can be seen here, just pure horror. I make no exaggeration whatsoever in saying that I would much rather be literally crucified in this life than to go through any of this ever again.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Do you remember @falloutcarter13? He ctb'd not long ago.
Before he left he wrote this, which you may find helpful.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/one-surprising-part-of-deciding-to-ctb.45040/

 

[Wayfaerer]

Those threads are good reads, thanks for the rec.

There might be a change of plans. My step-father is REALLY badgering me to get a job despite the fact that I am already in school full-time (not like I'm actually doing the work anyway.) He's always been a dense idiot that has no idea what I am going through so I may have to speed up my CTB plans which really fucking sucks. I am too depressed to even leave the house and he expects me to get a job? Thankfully, his and my mother's obliviousness has benefited me because despite the fact that I am obviously suicidal, they have no idea. That they had not caught on after all this time (1.5 years) stuns me but then again, they come from simpler times. I appreciated all the extra time I had been given so far but I was hoping that I would at least have three months of preparation.

What am I suppose to do? I thought about getting a fake job and leaving the house for 2 hours out of the day and then parking somewhere. Even then, that'd still be a lot for me to do. Just when I thought I couldn't be put under any more pressure...

 

[failedjedi]

I didn't so much mentally prepare as I was just finally ready. The time between thinking about it and seriously thinking about it was probably months. Then from seriously thinking about it until my first failed attempt was another few months. The "urge" just kept getting greater and on the day of my first failed attempt it just finally surpassed the threshold of being ready. That day it just hit me out of nowhere. I wasn't even thinking suicide at the time. But then just randomly that day it hit me that you know what, I'm ready and today is the day. Of course it wasn't because I'm here. But since then I've been completely ready. I've had another actual failed attempt and have stood on this bridge looking over coming pretty close to jumping several times. If it was higher I might have done it. But at this point I'm not only prepared and ready, I'm actively excited for it. My SN is on it's way, I have my day setup, and I honestly just can't wait for it to be over. My biggest thing at this point is not wanting another failed attempt. I just really hope it works as planned and I don't throw it all up too fast or something.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I didn't so much mentally prepare as I was just finally ready. The time between thinking about it and seriously thinking about it was probably months. Then from seriously thinking about it until my first failed attempt was another few months. The "urge" just kept getting greater and on the day of my first failed attempt it just finally surpassed the threshold of being ready. That day it just hit me out of nowhere. I wasn't even thinking suicide at the time. But then just randomly that day it hit me that you know what, I'm ready and today is the day. Of course it wasn't because I'm here. But since then I've been completely ready. I've had another actual failed attempt and have stood on this bridge looking over coming pretty close to jumping several times. If it was higher I might have done it. But at this point I'm not only prepared and ready, I'm actively excited for it. My SN is on it's way, I have my day setup, and I honestly just can't wait for it to be over. My biggest thing at this point is not wanting another failed attempt. I just really hope it works as planned and I don't throw it all up too fast or something.

Thing is is that I have to make sure that there will not be another attempt. If I fail to CTB, the consequences will be catastrophic! The pressure on me now is bearing down hard AND I have my mentally stunted step-father hounding on me at the same time. It's too much!

 

[RealHumanBean]

I'm not failing school because I'm having second thoughts of doing something else. I'm failing because I am suicidally depressed and cannot function at all. I have permanent health problems aside from school and it's destroying everything... I already feel permanently dead inside so I may as well wrap it up and call it a "life," which would be an gross indignity to the word. Also, I don't think DNR's count if it's an apparent suicide unfortunately which is really shitty. They're kind of like prenups from what I understand: Worthless pieces of paper.

Thank you for sharing though.

I skimmed the thread and may have missed this if someone else mentioned it, but at my University there was a University Disability Services group that would help students get accomodations for completing work. You are someone with a mental illness who is so paralyzed by it that you're looking at suicide as your only alternative to failing classes. That qualifies as a disability and should be able to afford you some accomodations to allow you to finish/pass.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Imagine the mind of this man. Giving that speech while knowing what he was about to do. I admire him so much. Wish I had his balls.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Imagine the mind of this man. Giving that speech while knowing what he was about to do. I admire him so much. Wish I had his balls.

He was in his elder years, so that helps a lot. He was also actually guilty despite claiming his innocence.

 

[inflammed123]

I've put myself in denial when thinking about it (ie- telling self probably won't work). I'm going to take a mixture of medications that will probably give me 50/50 chances. No risk of brain damage because one of the meds is a barbiturate and they have neuroprotective effects and no 'sequelae'. It's the only way i think i can go through with an attempt. Something like shooting, hanging, jumping from super high are beyond what i can handle right now because they are almost 100%.