Discussion How do you welcome the silence?

[NodusTollens]

Recently I was watching All the Bright Places & I had a thought- well, it actually triggered a memory.

During a scene where Finch (main character) was holding his breath in the bathtub, I remembered swimming as a kid. I remembered how I would often do the same as Finch, hold my breath & just exist under water.

When I was in a pool, I wouldn't try to do any cool tricks (handstands, jumping, etc), or see how long I could hold my breath- nope. What I craved was the silence.

The way the water would mute the world around, the pressure of the water against my body: the stillness.

FFW>> 15 years: The very silence I craved is driving me mad.

Anyone else feel like this, like the silence is too much?

 

[umbrellaphone]

I still love silence so very much, to the point that I dislike all forms of sound including music, singing, and conversation. Perhaps living in a shitty neighborhood with unbearable noise 24/7 all year around is what makes me develop this strange 'disorder'.

 

[VisionsOfHell]

I still love and appreciate the silence a lot and often did the same thing in the pool when I was a kid.
Although I think that its more of a hatred against unnatural, unpleasant noise which I'm not in control of, especially city noise. When I was still in university, I relied on overcrowded public transport to get me there. All the unfamiliar noise from the people, the trains, cars etc. made me really anxious.

 

[Weary Soul]

Sound, especially loud sound hurts. I had a traumatic brain injury and this is one of the side effects (another is light, especially bright lights). But, I do not think that this is the only reason for me. I have become so very tired of being screamed at, assaulted, etc., that I love silence and being alone now.

I've been told that as humans we crave companionship (which is probably why I am here, where I sense companionship but it is quiet.) :)

I am so sorry the silence is hurting you. (hugs and love to you)

 

[GarageKarate07]

Recently I was watching All the Bright Places & I had a thought- well, it actually triggered a memory.

During a scene where Finch (main character) was holding his breath in the bathtub, I remembered swimming as a kid. I remembered how I would often do the same as Finch, hold my breath & just exist under water.

When I was in a pool, I wouldn't try to do any cool tricks (handstands, jumping, etc), or see how long I could hold my breath- nope. What I craved was the silence.

The way the water would mute the world around, the pressure of the water against my body: the stillness.

FFW>> 15 years: The very silence I craved is driving me mad.

Anyone else feel like this, like the silence is too much?

We are all very scared. Even people who are not CTB. The silence has been growing because of that. Yes it is hard. Center yourself and try to find d a way to mellow yourself somehow. If the old tricks don't work try learning a new one. Remember that no matter the situation it will pass including life. Don't hesitate to reach out if you feel compelled to. I like to think that in the end people I like will be there hopefully waiting to bring me in and show me around and show me it was ok the entire time. The stress comes from the increase in hard situations world wide. Try to remember it's not your fault and it's nobody else's faulty either. I love water so my go to is a shower to have peace of mind for a bit. A bath would work to but I fidget to much. ❤

 

[NodusTollens]

Sound, especially loud sound hurts. I had a traumatic brain injury and this is one of the side effects (another is light, especially bright lights). But, I do not think that this is the only reason for me. I have become so very tired of being screamed at, assaulted, etc., that I love silence and being alone now.

I've been told that as humans we crave companionship (which is probably why I am here, where I sense companionship but it is quiet.) :)

I am so sorry the silence is hurting you. (hugs and love to you)

Sorry to hear about your injury, thank you for taking a moment to talk to me. :]

I think we share a similar sentiment when it comes to the love of quiet & alone time.

I grew up in a city, though I think it's more of a large suburb (population over 3 million), and I got used to people & noise, mostly, & I come from a home with a lot of yelling, among other things. After a while (don't know if this happened to you) I internalized it all, feels like my own personal soundtrack. For reasons I wasn't always allowed to have a bath, so I would just wait until I was in a pool. Feels like a loving hug, being underwater, like during those moment nothing can go wrong.

We are all very scared. Even people who are not CTB. The silence has been growing because of that. Yes it is hard. Center yourself and try to find d a way to mellow yourself somehow. If the old tricks don't work try learning a new one. Remember that no matter the situation it will pass including life. Don't hesitate to reach out if you feel compelled to. I like to think that in the end people I like will be there hopefully waiting to bring me in and show me around and show me it was ok the entire time. The stress comes from the increase in hard situations world wide. Try to remember it's not your fault and it's nobody else's faulty either. I love water so my go to is a shower to have peace of mind for a bit. A bath would work to but I fidget to much. ❤

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

You know, I am scared. I'm scared of being found out, scared of being caught, scared of the fallout of what I am planning to do- though I technically live alone, I have no privacy. I try to take a moment to process how I'm feeling and instead end up dissociating.

My old tricks are failing one by one, albeit a few were maladaptive, they still offered relief/release... a sense of catharsis. Now I'm feel like I'm constantly one bad event from another breakdown, & I'm sure it is exhausting for all who have to interact with me during an outburst/following a high stress moment. I also love water, that's why this particular way of coping is so devastating... I don't own a tub, & more often than not my body betrays me (pain) before I can finish washing my face in the shower.

 

[NodusTollens]

Contemplated posting this, it's a free write from a few nights ago that I formatted into a poem/conversation:

I just want to leave you behind.
I want to close my eyes,
Feel the tears well up
Then feel them dissipate.
I need that sweet release...
But it's not about what I want.

"Oh- well...
you don't get what you need either."

My mind is playing tricks on me...
Breath deep.
You know what to do-
"Keep yourself alive that you may feel pain,
Isn't that what you want?"

Sometimes I can't stop it...
"You're a mistake."
I can't find my way out!

As I drown, my mind chants:
Breath, deep!
"Can't you feel your chest tighten,
Isn't this what you wanted..."

Waking anxiety doesn't care:
"Can't you see your privilege?"
I'm all alone-
"That's your fault."
They don't want me-
"Can you blame them?
Who are you?"
I just wanted to fit in-
"Now you're not sure who you are.
Pathetic."

 

[Serenity]

After my psychotic break, I grew a new deep appreciation for complete silence; after battling voices for a couple of years, the silence that gradually came back was the most relieving and sacred experience I have ever had.

 

[NodusTollens]

After my psychotic break, I grew a new deep appreciation for complete silence; after battling voices for a couple of years, the silence that gradually came back was the most relieving and sacred experience I have ever had.

Glad to hear you find comfort in silence, I'm hoping to get back there again soon. :]

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Never experienced silence. Tinnitus. I'd love so much to hear nothing.

 

[NodusTollens]

Never experienced silence. Tinnitus. I'd love so much to hear nothing.

Yeah, I hear that (I'm sorry I'm like this). I deal with tinnitus as well.

 

[Mongo]

I like the calmness of silence. I can even find silence in the drone of a TV playing in the background.
But when intrusive thoughts plague me, or the static in my head cancels out my own internal monologue, I generally put on something like Butthole Surfers' Independent Worm Saloon... and I drive it out of my skull.

 

[NodusTollens]

I like the calmness of silence. I can even find silence in the drone of a TV playing in the background.
But when intrusive thoughts plague me, or the static in my head cancels out my own internal monologue, I generally put on something like Butthole Surfers' Independent Worm Saloon... and I drive it out of my skull.

This!
I'll have to check that out. (^_^;) The title though.

There's no calm anymore, instead it's heavy; suffocating almost. If it's not filled with racing thoughts, self deprecation, trauma... then it isn't quiet enough. I need a task & something to fill the space. & I feel like those things (for me: The Office, Star Trek: TNG, & SS) are the only things giving me room to breathe.

 

[Mongo]

This!
I'll have to check that out. (^_^;) The title though.

There's no calm anymore, instead it's heavy; suffocating almost. If it's not filled with racing thoughts, self deprecation, trauma... then it isn't quiet enough. I need a task & something to fill the space. & I feel like those things (for me: The Office, Star Trek: TNG, & SS) are the only things giving me room to breathe.

I know. life sucks right now and for many more months, or years.
I figure, screw it. Be a pirate. Take your peace However you can.
Bugger everyone who doesn't much like it.