Discussion How do you weather those periods?

[kovu]

Feels like I'm treating this website as my own personal diary for everything I wouldn't write in a proper journal, pardon that.

Anyway, how do you weather those periods? Every morning, I feel like a block of ice after showering due to heating problems in this ancient house. Then, I have to walk in the freezing cold for half an hour to get to work and act like I'm fine in your typical office setting just to strain my legs for another half hour - to end up wasting the remainder of that day on time-wasting pastimes. And that's it, day after day after day... and I will just have to endure as my suicide-related options are quite limited at the moment, but how do you weather it?

It feels like this endless strain, as though you're starving while immortal. And you can't just quit everything you don't like, some things have to be done - I just have to endure, as I said - nothing can change that. I can't quit the job, I can't move away, but it's so goddamn agonising. You may think suicide now, though I've already mentioned my limited options.

And what's more, this is just it. Of course, it could get more comfortable - way more comfortable. A better living situation as not to freeze, a car for swift transportation, yet the essence remains the same. Wake up early, work with a smile on your face and all your manners in place, kill those lowly hours you have left, and repeat. The only thing I would miss if I were to die right now would be those books I have yet to read.

Although you may recharge and regain a wee bit of drive here and there, by sprinkling in a few trips, good relationships and other such treats; is it worth persisting just for that? Trudging through the mud to see a flower now and again? Sure doesn't feel like it.

Think I strayed from the underlying topic there, so... how do you weather it?

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that if we don't ctb we have no choice but to continue existing. I always feel extremely tired and there is absolutely nothing that could make me want to stay here. I have a strong dislike for existence and of course life itself is the problem. I only suffer as ctb is difficult for me. If leaving was easier then I would certainly be gone. I just try and get through the day until I fall asleep but sleep doesn't offer that much relief as I know that I will very likely wake the next day. Only death will give me the relief I am looking for.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Was thinking the same thing FC wrote before reading it; any given moment/day/whatever, we either continue living, or we cease to do so. For most of us who aren't on death's door, quitting is an active choice that requires overcoming a strong biological imperative. Continuing to live is just par for the course sadly - the only thing I actively do is try to minimize or mitigate the misery living entails. Which seems to be harder and harder to successfully do as time goes on...

 

[Pluto]

I used to cope with a lifestyle like that because it felt like I was building up towards a better future. It may not be a good thing, but my happiest times, as well as motivation during difficult times, all pertained to a belief in a life of hope. Strange that it actually felt like genuine contentment, especially compared to when that hope was later lost in my case. Some would explain this on the basis that life is about a journey, not a destination. What ultimate destination for a human body except 6 feet under?

Over the long-term, some things get better, especially pertaining to basic physical comfort. Other things get worse, especially where ageing is concerned.

The great question 'Why am I alive?' is not an easy one to answer and may need to be revisited from time to time. One person's answer will mean nothing to the next person. Philosophies will argue endlessly. Religions will intimidate. Even nihilists, materialists, etc. are all clinging to some sort of underpinning belief structure to shield themselves from the fact that reality is unknowable. In the most cosmic sense, life has to be an eternal mystery because there is no rational reason for anything at all to exist. It just does.

The wisest advice - to seek your own authenticity ruthlessly, use your energy wisely and derive your answers from within - is important. However, it might be easier said than done because of the extent of the conditioning we have been through. Some sort of genuine passion for something is needed to spark the fire, otherwise the process will be meaningless drudgery.

 

[seaweaves]

My weathering (in the sense of just getting through) has less to do with recharging or drive than (a) avoiding disappointing others, at least more than usual and (b) keeping some momentum.

For A, I try and keep an eye on concrete deadlines or of commitments I've set as targets to meet. I can be cold, can deprive myself of my medications or of food and healthier habits, but I'll stay in some active movement from not wanting to let others down more than usual (even when I'm alienated from them etc). Having a deadline I should meet by Friday, even if I don't end up meeting it, gives me some pull and purchase.

For B, in keeping those commitments or deadlines I try to stay in some kind of momentum: it's easier to push a rolling stone than to start a stone rolling. I try to do some mundane shit every few days at least (I can take days off of being actively alive and just be in bed for a few days, but having to go to work or do some set shit on a regular enough basis keeps me moving). Preferably, these tasks or commitments are mundane so I can dissociate through them or live on "autopilot", since this is more about weathering these moments than conquering them.

 

[theboy]

I just exist without any purpose

 

[kovu]

Was thinking the same thing FC wrote before reading it; any given moment/day/whatever, we either continue living, or we cease to do so. For most of us who aren't on death's door, quitting is an active choice that requires overcoming a strong biological imperative. Continuing to live is just par for the course sadly - the only thing I actively do is try to minimize or mitigate the misery living entails. Which seems to be harder and harder to successfully do as time goes on...

Of course, you have to continue living while you're still alive. I don't think I really mind living in and of itself, but everything it entails - getting up way too early, sitting around and looking busy for hours, realising the internet's too slow for videogames again, going to sleep in anticipation of that godforsaken alarm sound, etc.
You should be able just to exist as long as you don't ask for any luxuries. There should be a place providing you with a bed and the basic living necessities without having to jump through all those hoops. The only thing I'd probably miss would be the internet necessary to stream music. I don't know, maybe I'm asking for a homeless shelter; I'd just like a soft exit button.