Discussion How do you know when it is time?

[Thatdude]

Question:
As the title says, I'm wondering how do you know when it is time?

Venting:
In short, I was going to wait it out a little bit. But Monday one of my dogs had to be put down due to cancer, and 90% of their airway was being blocked from that. I have mental disabilities like autism, and having a stable job and relationship is mostly out of the question. Due to this I live with my parents. My sister who got herself involved with smuggling drugs, drinking, and other things. Off and on, she has caused me nothing but problems. For example, my parents pulled her out of nasty places, and she fights to go back. Most recently, she gotten away from her ex which is apart of some human trafficking rings, and he touched my sisters kids. Now she is living with my parents and I, and not only do I have to deal with 2 very small kids that are extremely disrespectful (a reflection of the environment they came out of). She is back on drugs, drinking, and selling her body. And I'm having to deal with the fall out on that and the hate/daily arguments (which btw caused my dogs cancer to flair up. The doctor Friday ran blood work and said the dog is extremely stressed out.)

Outside of my grandparents on one side & my parents, no one cares about me and many abuse me. Many talk shit about me, and make up wild stuff. Others bitch to me if I say no to "helping" them/acting like slave labor.
The one thing that was keeping me moving forward was my parents were talking about buying a farm. Something I can run, and something that could be kept in the family. I liked the idea since it's peaceful, I can control who comes on the land for the most part, and I enjoyed farming. I don't want to get too deep here about it, but due to my sister this has mostly went into smoke. Even with what is going on, my parents are talking about making a house for her on the farm. And when my sister goes off the deep end, which is about every weekend. My mom tells me she is going to take custody of the kids, and keep them away from their mom unless she cleans up (and we all know that won't happen). Oh and btw, my bday is this weekend. I'm expecting more of the same that day.

Any case, I'm tired of all the BS. I honestly can't remember the last time I've been really happy outside of being around the dog that just died. Like I've tried to make some happy memories with my sister and others in the past. But outside of my parents, I only heard bitching the entire time or something around to that.
If there is some higher power out there, I have to seriously wonder why do I have this life. And even if there is, I am starting to wonder why do I keep putting up with this. Now with the dog being dead, my life in some chaotic state, the drama building up, and so on. I'm starting to think it is time. Like I can make excuses. Excuses like my parents will be sad, or that I have another dog. But I think I'm at my limit.
Every day for the past few weeks I wish for death, I've thrown up more than I ever had in my life due to stress, and I have to be reminded to eat/drink since I'm not hungry due to the stress. 2 weeks ago I didn't eat or drink during the entire week, and my parents forced me to eat when my vision was blurring. Like they wanted me to drive somewhere, and I had to tell them about my vision.
I was wanting to do an exit bag method somewhere remote. But, I'm starting to think my bedroom is a good of a place as any if I leave my parents $7k for clean up and what not. I just wish death was easier

BTW sorry for the typos. I just don't have the energy to review and edit.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

Im getting really close to ctbing myself too which hopefully will finally be a reality. But I guess i can word this best as possible when you know its the right time and nothing gets in your way. Basically the mindset is that of utter despair, all of your memories cease to be, your perception of reality is mirrored so as to reflect your suffering that there is no longer a human anymore but a living object with the goal of self-destruction. You cant logically think your way out and feel extreme bliss unlike anything when the idea of 'game over'comes to mind, you crave that idea so badly that you got to enact it like you would buy potato chips at a gas station at 12am at night. I hope that helps simplify the feeling and mindset of when you know you want to well you know. Its like some sort of Tibetan death ritual ot something i guess but its super hard to master this mindset I had just describe when your SI flood you dark brain matter with "happy & good" memories along with false hopeful dreams. Good luck, lets hope I go through with my exit!

 

[wanttodie]

Im getting really close to ctbing myself too want to die more more every day

 

[Astral316]

I thought of working on a farm as a peaceful way to live out the rest of my life instead of c'ing tb but I don't have any skills or experience. Is there a way the farm thing can come to fruition? Maybe rule that out as a possibility before deciding to end it.

Anyway, I agree with the above poster... when the only thing that brings you joy is fantasizing about your demise it's probably time.

 

[Dystopia]

I think most people figure it out for themselves eventually. I've set a date that's passed back when I was going to use SN. As soon as I got it I didn't feel like I could do it.

Managed to get N now as it's easier to be impulsive but now it just seems like I may as well give life one last try since it's so simple for me to give up now.

Might just be a mix of SI and other things but I really don't have much hope for my life at this point. Just hanging on by a thread

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Well for me, the last time I knew, it just came into my head. I thought to myself: today's the day. Its just a state of utter calmness. I'm not happy or sad, I just knew. I coasted through the rest of the day. I had all my supplies except my tent (CO method). I tried to get one at the store but I couldn't afford it. I ended up having to purchase it online and hoped that feeling would stay till it was delivered. It didn't and im now just stuck here.

Anyways though, the best answer I can give you is you just.. Know. Another poster here said it felt like despair but that's not like what it was for me. I just felt utterly calm and completely at peace with my decision. "Today's the day I'm gonna die". I spent it lying in bed, scrolling through memes, having a laugh, listening to music and browsing this site

I miss that feeling

 

[Empty Smile]

Well for me, the last time I knew, it just came into my head. I thought to myself: today's the day. Its just a state of utter calmness. I'm not happy or sad, I just knew. I coasted through the rest of the day. I had all my supplies except my tent (CO method). I tried to get one at the store but I couldn't afford it. I ended up having to purchase it online and hoped that feeling would stay till it was delivered. It didn't and im now just stuck here.

Anyways though, the best answer I can give you is you just.. Know. Another poster here said it felt like despair but that's not like what it was for me. I just felt utterly calm and completely at peace with my decision. "Today's the day I'm gonna die". I spent it lying in bed, scrolling through memes, having a laugh, listening to music and browsing this site

I miss that feeling

I agree with you on "you just know." I've had dates set, but for one reason or another, it didn't happen. So I don't know if I'll set a date this time. I think I'll just go without thinking about it.

Sometimes I think to much planning and thinking just sort of, fucks it up. I'd just rather get up, get it done, and get it overwith. To hell with the planning on set dates anymore.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I agree with you on "you just know." I've had dates set, but for one reason or another, it didn't happen. So I don't know if I'll set a date this time. I think I'll just go without thinking about it.

Sometimes I think to much planning and thinking just sort of, fucks it up. I'd just rather get up, get it done, and get it overwith. To hell with the planning on set dates anymore.

I used to set dates but it doesn't work for me. Idk how people do that and then follow through. You have to be really brave to do so and unfortunately, in that aspect, I am not
Sure is annoying though. I'd give anything to be dead rn

 

[Thatdude]

Is there a way the farm thing can come to fruition?

It depends on a few things.
1. Income or the amount of money you have to spend on it. That or what you already have (land, gear, etc)
2. If you want to mess with livestock or just plants
3. The amount of income you want.

So if you already own say a few hundred acres or more, then you can do something worth while. If not, this will be the hardest thing for you to get. So lets say you don't have that and can't afford it. If you can get 1-5 acres, then you can run a micro farm. You could have bees on it, but much everything else will be plants. Lets say you can't afford that, then the last option is mushroom farming. You can start small in something like a garage and move up. Take the harvest to the farmer market weekly until you can get an entire building just for mushroom farming. Then you will be taking your harvest there daily.

Lets say you really don't have the money but want to be apart of a farm. Go on places like reddit, and tell the farmers you will work for them if they will provide a place. You will be shocked on the offers. But note that the work is hard, and the pay isn't the best.
You could try renting out land/a tractor/ etc. But row crops don't make much. Multi year crops is where the money is at.

Anyways, it's all about how you want to go about it and how much effort you want to put into it. For your first bit it will be stressful because it's new. And it will always be a lot of work. But depending on your personality, it can be relaxing.
It should be noted that it isn't always happy happy when things are going. If you need to work 16 hours, then you will. If you find out your water line is busted 3am, then guess what you're doing. If you need to harvest x, and it is going to be 90 degrees when the sun comes up. You will be looking for your headlamps, and you will be out there with your workers hours before the sun comes up. But the plus side is unlike other jobs people do leave you alone for the most part. And if you do it right, you can have a bit of down time.