how do you know the time is right?

[Intelligent_Panic99]

How do you know when the time is right for ctb? I have everything I need. I could do it peacefully tonight and I really want to...but there are always complications. All i have to do is open the N and drink it. And I want to. But I have kids. I hate this feeling so so much. I didn't have this feeling or know I would when I was pregnant with them. I thought I had outgrown all my difficulties. I was the perfect mother - they are the best people in the world. They have a great father and now a step-mother who I have never met because she doesn't want to meet me. That's exactly how awful I am.

 

[Someone123]

How do you know when the time is right for ctb? I have everything I need. I could do it peacefully tonight and I really want to...but there are always complications. All i have to do is open the N and drink it. And I want to. But I have kids. I hate this feeling so so much. I didn't have this feeling or know I would when I was pregnant with them. I thought I had outgrown all my difficulties. I was the perfect mother - they are the best people in the world. They have a great father and now a step-mother who I have never met because she doesn't want to meet me. That's exactly how awful I am.

I know you are not awful, and my gut tells me that with the kids you have something important to live for that may be worth striving for. I always will support choice, people should be able to leave this life when they want to, but you want to be really pretty sure it is the right choice, and you do seem to have quite a bit of doubt. I hope you have a good connection with them and trying to make it even better could help. :)

 

[Belljar]

If you have doubts it's not the right time.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Depends how much you give a shit. It varies from person to person.

I give enough of a shit to make sure it doesn't come too near a holiday. I also will finish up any jobs I already have committed to, and remove hard drive files.

But I absolutely do not care enough to not go. But if I had kids this would be different.

 

[Red Scare]

I think people should have a choice, but I absolute am against parents just ctb'ing and leaving their kids with the horrific trauma.

Wait until they are grown, don't depend or rely on you at all, and are emotionally mature enough they will have even a fighting chance as dealing with the trauma.

When you're a parent, everything you do has to be centered around your kids. If that sucks too much for you, then you probably shouldn't have had kids. But since you did, this is your responsibility.

Everyone should have the choice yes, but just look around this forum at all the people fucked up by their parents in various ways. Would you be ok with the thought of your kid finding their way here to post about how bad their parent fucked them up, and they want to die?

 

[ikadasui]

When the daily suffering becomes unbearable. Recently after this new crushing depression, physical pain, loneliness and just generally being tired of life's requirements i've sunk too a now low of misery that I didn't know possible. I literally wake up and within seconds I'm begging for death or for it to just stop for but a moment, before I could manage a few hours at least but now it's literally instant.

 

[AnestheticVoid]

I think people should have a choice, but I absolute am against parents just ctb'ing and leaving their kids with the horrific trauma.

Wait until they are grown, don't depend or rely on you at all, and are emotionally mature enough they will have even a fighting chance as dealing with the trauma.

When you're a parent, everything you do has to be centered around your kids. If that sucks too much for you, then you probably shouldn't have had kids. But since you did, this is your responsibility.

Everyone should have the choice yes, but just look around this forum at all the people fucked up by their parents in various ways. Would you be ok with the thought of your kid finding their way here to post about how bad their parent fucked them up, and they want to die?

Plenty of terrible parents that cause trauma don't ctb.

 

[Red Scare]

Plenty of terrible parents that cause trauma don't ctb.

And? Why would you willingly inflict any kind of trauma like that on a child?

 

[AnestheticVoid]

And? Why would you willingly inflict any kind of trauma like that on a child?

I'd say most do it because they themselves were traumatized as children.

 

[Someone123]

I think people should have a choice, but I absolute am against parents just ctb'ing and leaving their kids with the horrific trauma.

Wait until they are grown, don't depend or rely on you at all, and are emotionally mature enough they will have even a fighting chance as dealing with the trauma.

When you're a parent, everything you do has to be centered around your kids. If that sucks too much for you, then you probably shouldn't have had kids. But since you did, this is your responsibility.

Everyone should have the choice yes, but just look around this forum at all the people fucked up by their parents in various ways. Would you be ok with the thought of your kid finding their way here to post about how bad their parent fucked them up, and they want to die?

My opinion is that staying for the children isn't enough- if she isn't getting enough out of life so that she wants to stay for herself then this will show up in a lot of ways and it will hurt her children to see her being so sad all the time- plus she shouldn't have to suffer like this. Life has to have some things that are good enough for her, she shouldn't have to stay around only for her children- to me that's like saying how she feels has no value at all. I hope she can find a way to make her life better and to stay around because she wants to, but I believe it is wrong to say that she has t9o sufffer for many years without relief for the benefit of her children. Also this will actually hurt her children seeing her like this. The idea that everything has to be centered on her kids is so wrong, this is like saying she has no value at all for herself.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

My opinion is that staying for the children isn't enough- if she isn't getting enough out of life so that she wants to stay for herself then this will show up in a lot of ways and it will hurt her children to see her being so sad all the time- plus she shouldn't have to suffer like this. Life has to have some things that are good enough for her, she shouldn't have to stay around only for her children- to me that's like saying how she feels has no value at all. I hope she can find a way to make her life better and to stay around because she wants to, but I believe it is wrong to say that she has t9o sufffer for many years without relief for the benefit of her children. Also this will actually hurt her children seeing her like this. The idea that everything has to be centered on her kids is so wrong, this is like saying she has no value at all for herself.

Thank you, Someone. I know I need to stick around for my kids - BUT they have a ton of people who love them including their father who is really the better parent. I used to be an awesome mom. I used to find so much value in being a mom I lived for my kids like everyone thinks you should. I did everything right and yet, I couldn't run away from this sickness. Most of the time I don't exist to anyone anyways, even my kids because I barely see them anymore as they travel between houses. If I ctb'd it would be days and days before anyone knew. I feel so worthless.

 

[Someone123]

Thank you, Someone. I know I need to stick around for my kids - BUT they have a ton of people who love them including their father who is really the better parent. I used to be an awesome mom. I used to find so much value in being a mom I lived for my kids like everyone thinks you should. I did everything right and yet, I couldn't run away from this sickness. Most of the time I don't exist to anyone anyways, even my kids because I barely see them anymore as they travel between houses. If I ctb'd it would be days and days before anyone knew. I feel so worthless.

Maybe you can find some things that make you feel more worthwhile, maybe trying to connect with some women around your age for friendship somehow. Some options could be going to exercise classes at a health club and chattimg some before and after, doing some volunteering, possibly at an animal shelter, since cats and dogs can be so affectionate, or some other tyhpe of club. Depending on your location you could maybe find some friends through the website meetup.com. I think that trying to buld a network like this could help.

 

[Niirvana]

I fell into a depression pit again even taking antidepressants. I open my eyes and I can't understand what I'm doing here, it hurts me to know that I have to face one more day, I don't have the strength anymore, but inside I'm screaming in pain, I just want them to let me go, i have to gather the guts, I want to ctb since adolescence

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like only you know when the time is right to leave, it is your life and your decision. We all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing. In my case, I would only ctb if I was completely certain and had no doubts. I do not want to live another day but I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult. It is all so depressing. I am sorry that you are suffering. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Red Scare]

Maybe because you have an incurable unbearable illness

I wasn't talking about people with a terminal illness or severe disability, that goes without saying.

Thank you, Someone. I know I need to stick around for my kids - BUT they have a ton of people who love them including their father who is really the better parent. I used to be an awesome mom. I used to find so much value in being a mom I lived for my kids like everyone thinks you should. I did everything right and yet, I couldn't run away from this sickness. Most of the time I don't exist to anyone anyways, even my kids because I barely see them anymore as they travel between houses. If I ctb'd it would be days and days before anyone knew. I feel so worthless.

Unless you have a severe disability or terminal illness or something like that, then it's going to traumarize them. They may have other people that love them, but they aren't their mom. If. They are young, they will still want to have a relationship with their biological mother.

Like I said, I'm all for pro choice. I even understand wanting to ctb if you are depressed. But if you are a parent, then just doing it because you're depressed doesn't seem like a good reason to traumatiz your own kids for the rest of their life. Parents owe it to their kids to do everything for them, they didn't ask to be born, they don't deserve the trauma of this.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

Maybe you can find some things that make you feel more worthwhile, maybe trying to connect with some women around your age for friendship somehow. Some options could be going to exercise classes at a health club and chattimg some before and after, doing some volunteering, possibly at an animal shelter, since cats and dogs can be so affectionate, or some other tyhpe of club. Depending on your location you could maybe find some friends through the website meetup.com. I think that trying to buld a network like this could help.

I've done most of that. I volunteer at a shelter. I used to have a ton of mom friends but have lost most of them - mostly due to my divorce and all the life changes that came after. (Meetup is great. I made my very best friend that way) I can't really be myself with anyone else because it's just too much. I have several friends who are my support network, but I can't tell them how I really feel because it's too scary and unfair to put on them.

 

[Someone123]

I've done most of that. I volunteer at a shelter. I used to have a ton of mom friends but have lost most of them - mostly due to my divorce and all the life changes that came after. (Meetup is great. I made my very best friend that way) I can't really be myself with anyone else because it's just too much. I have several friends who are my support network, but I can't tell them how I really feel because it's too scary and unfair to put on them.

I do think there is some hope in this, though I will still always support the right to choose. It's true that even for good friends you can't put too much on them- it's one nice thing about this site that people can chat much more openly about these things. Just wondering, are you working now and if so, are there some good things there? If you're not working is this something you may get back to? The sheltre and the friends are a good start fopr the support you need, but since you're on the bubble for ctb obviously you need something more- maybe something can still be figured out to make this better.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I do think there is some hope in this, though I will still always support the right to choose. It's true that even for good friends you can't put too much on them- it's one nice thing about this site that people can chat much more openly about these things. Just wondering, are you working now and if so, are there some good things there? If you're not working is this something you may get back to? The sheltre and the friends are a good start fopr the support you need, but since you're on the bubble for ctb obviously you need something more- maybe something can still be figured out to make this better.

I work I guess. When I was married I was a writer (he supported me- I was a stay at home mom) I worked so hard on my books and got an actual NY agent (most agents take less than 1% of queries) and was close to publishing a book. Then I found out my husband was cheating on me and it was enough to trigger my bipolar which was dormant for the most part (hes now married to her and treats me like trash). I lost confidence, became suicidal and destroyed all of my manuscripts so they cannot be recovered. I haven't talked to my agent in two years. So now I work at a law firm as a legal secretary, My heart is so broken. Being a published writer was the only thing I ever wanted since I was 7 years old.