how do you know if you're deserving of love?

[milquetoast]

how do you even know if you should be loved in the first place, to be taken care of? being loved by family or someone i'm close to doesn't equate to me deserving that love and they probably should just spend their time else where
it's a train of thought that keeps coming back to me and it has even made me go through some arguments with a parent and a few of my friends on separate occasions, it just feels like i'm just a option for people when they don't have anyone available and that thought makes me feel like i'm a selfish piece of shit and it makes me hate myself more, i feel like i'm a anchor tying down the people i care about so why should they even bother, how are they seeing things in me that i don't?

 

[nopointinlivingg]

Every human is deserving of love. Whether they receive it or not from others is a whole different thing. It doesn't make you a selfish piece of shit to crave a support system, something every human also needs. I'm sorry that you feel that you don't have one - I can relate.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I don't know, chimpanzees also socialize by scratching another's back and vice versa, doesn't that feel good?

 

[latinoamericanboy]

My ideal view on love (that i try to believe even though is hard) is that no one deserves it. We just give and receive it. When you're out of it, it's ok to be alone and cultivate it yourself, or receiving from others. But when you have it, don't keep it all to yourself and give it some. I don't think you should feel like you deserve love because that is simply arrogance. But you should have the humility to accept love and the kindness to give.

Anyways, this is so cliché that even myself don't believe it sometimes, but think about it.

 

[Achromatix]

I think if you give love, the universe gives it right back somehow. The karma kind of approach. I think to know if you deserve love, you really have to listen to what the world is trying to tell you (Not people!)

 

[FLYMOUTH]

i know some people use religion as their explanation where like,,, god loves everyone?? im not religious though so i can't say much about that, but the way i like to think of it is like. everyone is someones child yk??? like imagine yourself being held as a newborn in a parents arms and imagine all of the love they have for you, not cause you've done anything yet, but because you EXIST. just that sort of immediate, unconditional, overwhelming love due to your brand new existence. anything you do after that point is just a bonus, because you did the big thing of existing. like by BEING BORN you were dubbed worthy of love, and every good thing you've done and cool thing you've accomplished since just adds to that. idk sometimes being depressed is like being a vampire where you cant see yourself at all but everyone around you knows exactly what you look like, so sometimes you've gotta get em to draw a picture of you so YOU can see yourself like they see you. anywho yeah thats my take :3

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think it's so much about deserving- earning love. Between family members- especially parent to children bonds- I think it ought to exist naturally. If you have to start 'earning' love from a parent, you have to wonder if they have a set goal for you- which in some cases can suggest narcissism and I imagine may also lead to narcissism.

Maybe what you're worrying about is whether you display certain traits that might make you unloveable. I think you maybe need to be honest with yourself and think- are you being too hard on yourself? Is it that you don't feel 'useful' enough? Or- do you end up doing things that hurt people? In either case- I guess you have to ask yourself- why? And- do you want to improve?

Is it because you are afraid of losing their love or, that you doubt it in some way? As to feeling unworthy of it though- that's got to be tough. I guess either though- you accept it as best you can and try to appreciate it. It's their love to give. They want you to accept it. Or- in your eyes, you do what you can to feel more worthy of it.

As for other relationships- I probably have a very cynical idea of them. I believe they are simply based on a process of exchange. Whatever it may be- both people see things in the other that they like. Could be anything- ease of talking to them- things in common, shared humour, shared appreciation of things, compassion, generosity, kindness, attractiveness.

Again though- I think trying to 'earn' love from someone isn't probably the most sustainable. To me- that suggests going out your way to be someone you're not. I feel like sustainable friendships and relationships happen when people are comfortable enough to be themselves and be loved for that. That's not to say they don't put in effort but I imagine the effort needs to feel natural. A generous person likely gets joy out of treating others. A tight person may pay for something but then resent feeling like they had to and make some big thing out of it.

 

[milquetoast]

As for other relationships- I probably have a very cynical idea of them. I believe they are simply based on a process of exchange. Whatever it may be- both people see things in the other that they like. Could be anything- ease of talking to them- things in common, shared humour, shared appreciation of things, compassion, generosity, kindness, attractiveness.

i sort of have the same thought towards relationships as well, the idea of give and take, giving them reasons to care and you getting reasons to care about people, like you said it can be shared humor, finding me easy to talk to or me happening to enjoy the same thing they like. its this numbing feeling that i'm always taking and not giving enough, that they always try to talk and sometimes would even give me things despite me constantly protesting that i don't want that and i eventually end up not being able to give back as i'm a reactive person when it comes to conversations, i can't start nor think of anything that will be a good conversation, even for small talk. i constantly feel awkward around people, even people who were friends with me for a long time.

Maybe what you're worrying about is whether you display certain traits that might make you unloveable. I think you maybe need to be honest with yourself and think- are you being too hard on yourself? Is it that you don't feel 'useful' enough? Or- do you end up doing things that hurt people? In either case- I guess you have to ask yourself- why? And- do you want to improve?

Is it because you are afraid of losing their love or, that you doubt it in some way? As to feeling unworthy of it though- that's got to be tough. I guess either though- you accept it as best you can and try to appreciate it. It's their love to give. They want you to accept it. Or- in your eyes, you do what you can to feel more worthy of it.

with that mindset, yes i don't feel useful as a person nor am i exciting enough for people to care about. i don't feel worthy enough to be loved by other people so i constantly try to maybe live up to that love but with how diminutive and quiet i am most of the time, and how i can't do things well that isn't just daydreaming or writing a half-assed essay, its hard to see why someone would ever care. i'd often sugarcoat my thoughts as to some friends as i'm way too bleak as one of them put it. in a blunt way, i'm boring as a person. i do want to improve and feel like i'm finally worthy of that love but at the same time, it feels like it will never matter as they will meet and be with people who are more pleasurable and more useful than me. they will and should never have a reason to care for me as all i do is take and not give in the relationship due to how boring and useless i am, making me feel like a burden whenever they care for some reason.

Again though- I think trying to 'earn' love from someone isn't probably the most sustainable. To me- that suggests going out your way to be someone you're not. I feel like sustainable friendships and relationships happen when people are comfortable enough to be themselves and be loved for that.

a few years ago, i was constantly trying to stave off the loneliness i've felt by doing just that. being someone else i wasn't. i gave up on doing that and just tried to settle down with the few friends i still have and yet i still feel the same doubt and guilt. the idea that i'm just nobody, and why would they ever care as there is a better person than me. but humans are social creatures i suppose, and that creeping feeling of loneliness is a thing. its easier to be alone but that want of being with other people just leads me astray and makes me more feel like shit in most days.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I mean, there's no objective truth as to whether one should deserved to be loved or not. Any criterias used to determine who deserves love or not is subjective. Some people would say that those who don't love themselves don't deserve love (this is different from those who say that people who don't love themselves *can't* be loved) but I personally think that those who don't love themselves also deserve to be loved. As for why, well, it's just me concluding that using my own subjective criteria. At the end of the day, unless if you can prove that there's an objective criteria for how to determine which human beings deserve love or not, you can determine whether you deserve love or not through your own subjective criterias

 

[oblivion_handmade]

There is no such thing as "deserve". You exist. You are a fact. You are a part of the world just as much as anyone or anything else. All things depend on other things for their continued existence. That's just how it works. Does the Indian Ocean 'deserve' to exist? Who cares. It does exist, and the world would not be better if it were to boil away tomorrow. You don't need to earn love. Fuck whoever made you feel that you do.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I have an unpopular opinion about love, and am of the belief that it is all conditional and transactional. Even the most basic relationship that you have with your parents requires you to meet a prerequisite. Ideally, their love for you is because you are their child and not some random kid that was just placed in their home one day; you are a product of their flesh, someone who shares their blood. This doesn't always happen, of course. There are mothers and fathers that never develop that bond with a child, women that lose a connection to their child due to complications in birth and life, and men who suddenly stop loving a kid when they find out that child is not their own despite taking care of them for some years. But in this ideal scenario, you still have to meet a condition for love, and that condition just happens to be something inherent about you, something you can't help but to meet.

In my opinion, relationships are also transitional. You have to offer something worthwhile to someone's life in order to receive their love. As someone else already mentioned, when you were a child and even now as an adult, you didn't and don't have to do a single thing to earn your parents' affection (in the ideal scenario). You were born, you existed, and therefore you met the criteria of their love. They are going to want to fill you with it even on the days where you made them angry, sad, or upset. Siblings can be the same. A friend or a significant other is different, but I don't believe in "unconditional love" in these contexts. Those will always be relationships where there is a give and take of something, but sometimes, a lot of the time, the only thing you have to offer those people is your existence. Just being yourself is enough for people who truly care about you.

With all that being said, love is a choice that we all make. Every day we choose to love our parents, our siblings, our family members, friends, and partners. We make the choice to continue these relationships and whether we pour into them or not. So there is nothing that you can do to be "deserving" of love. You can only be yourself, and the people around you will decide that for you based on their own set of conditions and needs.

Remember, even the most heinous people in our societies are loved. A serial killer can have a family in the courtroom balling their eyes out when they get convicted for the atrocities they've committed. Those people have still decided to love someone horrible, they still see something in a murderer that we do not.

I think most people would say you "deserve" to be loved if you're charismatic, smart, attractive, wealthy, or have some other superficial trait to offer others. Some will say you deserve love simply because you are a human being. Luckily, humanity is not a monolith, and we all seek out different things for relationships, so both of these things are both true and untrue. I don't want to love a murderer just because they're a human, but someone else can and will if they decide to. The initial feeling cannot be helped, but the decision to love someone is just that, a decision.

being loved by family or someone i'm close to doesn't equate to me deserving that love and they probably should just spend their time else where

If they love you, then you deserve it. They don't just love you for no reason. They love you because they have decided to. They made the choice that you are close to them, so they care.

i'm boring as a person.

Who is to say that the people in your life don't value that trait in you? Maybe they like that you're quiet and reserved. Maybe they like that you are thoughtful. You may be depressed and you may feel useless to them, like you don't offer anything to them. But your presence is enough. They've already deemed you deserving of their love. Others may have "more to give" than you do, but what does that matter if they don't want it? They want to love you and what you have to offer, even if that's just a listening ear and a blank stare on some days. I love people like that too, with all of my heart.

The thing about feeling the type of sadness that we feel is that it blinds us. Nobody likes to hear that, but to a certain extent, it does cloud our perception of reality and our judgement of others. It's easy to feel like you don't deserve love in this state. Perhaps you don't meet the criteria of someone that you would personally love, because you don't see what others see in you. But they see it and think you deserve it, so you should take it. If all you have to offer is your love in return, that is still something that they will gladly take into their hands and cherish forever, I bet.

Life is short even when we don't kill ourselves. People are precious and so are you. The people in your lives will not have you forever, and most importantly, they won't ever meet anyone like you ever again. It's so easy to be hard on ourselves, because I don't really understand why people like me either. But I just know that they do, and I try to accept that as graciously as I can.

You are deserving of love because you are you, and other people agree!

 

[milquetoast]

The thing about feeling the type of sadness that we feel is that it blinds us. Nobody likes to hear that, but to a certain extent, it does cloud our perception of reality and our judgement of others. It's easy to feel like you don't deserve love in this state. Perhaps you don't meet the criteria of someone that you would personally love, because you don't see what others see in you. But they see it and think you deserve it, so you should take it. If all you have to offer is your love in return, that is still something that they will gladly take into their hands and cherish forever, I bet.

maybe it is easy to feel like that, i've just been so used to negativity in life that it's just so simple to just sink back into a familiar but miserable shell that i've been accustomed to. i suppose i just want a reason for them to actually care. the thought of "what did i ever do for you to ever care" always comes to mind, always making me doubt other people which in turn made more of a recluse than i was ever before. even some friends' affirmations and encouragement would sometimes feel like pampering or patronizing to me.

it's hard to kick away these habits as i have tried a few times, tried to look on the bright side for once, tried to just be myself but i'm not that entertaining nor socially active enough to be there for other people and my thoughts would often come up that i had to constantly keep them at bay and force myself to not say much in order to not be a sad sop all the time whenever we hang out, so i'm just quiet. just there to listen and maybe put down a few words of my own but only that. although after those few tries i would just sink back into the shell i'm used to. more quiet, more reserved to the point that some friends are already used to me just being there, silent. with a little inside joke that i'm a listener to a podcast.

maybe i am just being too harsh on myself and i should cut myself and other people some slack and to just try to repel the doubts. maybe but i've been like this for years, felt isolated for years that it had became my normal, the routine i was used to despite it being horrendous to myself.

thank you for the response, it gave me some food for thought as i just want someone else's input other than my brain spitting out negativity all the time aha

 

[Slow_Farewell]

You dont know. No one does, really.

Yeah, every one has differing opinions about what "love" is even at biochemical level, as it's a mixture of the release of different chemicals in the brain.

Having nerded out about that, why not try to "love" you? like...you "love" you?

It's also possible that you just haven't come across the one who needs the type of "love" you have to offer. I mean, there's billions of people in the world. It's statistically impossible that there's no one that doesnt match your style of love. (or loving)