How do you imagine the exact time (or duration) of ctb?

[NoPointToContinue]

Now I'm planning on SN method, but people with other methods can comment too.

How do you imagine that moment? For example the moment you prepared SN(or N) solution and its ready to be drunk? What will be your emotions before or after drinking it, while sitting in your tent waiting for CO to do its work, while you put gun on your head and there is one last step left, while rope is ready and waiting to take you to your last journey, when there is no chance left to just "flirt" with the idea of suicide and you are alone with Death itself and it telling you "Now, let's see if you really want to die or not".

Absolute fear and panic? Calmness? Will you cry over lost or wasted life or you won't have any fucks left to give?

How strong SI will kick in? Do you think you will regret your decision at that moment? Do you expect physical pain?
How will you deal with it?

I know we can only speculate, because nothing can prepare us for the most intense experience we can have, but would like to see how people imagine their ctb.

 

[hʚll]

maybe crying while listening to music.
scared too if something goes wrong, just hoping peace for everyone. no second thoughts about living.

 

[aviation]

Surface fear, body-based, the 'survival instinct' of our bodies - but below it, relief, warmth, happiness, excitement. The jump will be a few seconds of panic and pain, and then, bliss.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Probably nothing, I can only get emotional if I think about women.

 

[FuneralCry]

The thing I want the most is to be free from this existence. I wish I could feel calm and at peace in my final moments, but i'm not sure that will be the case as it is difficult to overcome the survival instinct. I think I will need to reach a certain point of desperation/hopelessness to be able to ctb in the first place. I do not care if it is painful, putting up with pain for a short duration is better than living this life for decades longer.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Now I'm planning on SN method, but people with other methods can comment too.

How do you imagine that moment? For example the moment you prepared SN(or N) solution and its ready to be drunk? What will be your emotions before or after drinking it, while sitting in your tent waiting for CO to do its work, while you put gun on your head and there is one last step left, while rope is ready and waiting to take you to your last journey, when there is no chance left to just "flirt" with the idea of suicide and you are alone with Death itself and it telling you "Now, let's see if you really want to die or not".

Absolute fear and panic? Calmness? Will you cry over lost or wasted life or you won't have any fucks left to give?

How strong SI will kick in? Do you think you will regret your decision at that moment? Do you expect physical pain?
How will you deal with it?

I know we can only speculate, because nothing can prepare us for the most intense experience we can have, but would like to see how people imagine their ctb.

What a great question/post….it encouraged some necessary reflection for me.

I honestly have trouble fully imagining it through- I know some people will argue that it means I'm not ready, but for me personally, I don't think I'll ever "be ready." Even when I know objectively and logically it's time to go, for myself and the people around me, there is going to be a part of me that resists.

a part of me is always going to wish it weren't true, that I wasn't born into a world where you have to work like a dog or die, that I wasn't born too sensitive and endured too much trauma to cope with it. I'll always romanticize when I was younger, when there was still time and still hope. The window is dwindling, I'm pushing 30 and know my time is near, but the little girl in me cries, she will miss sunsets and oceans and animals and music and loving and being loved. I know the reality, but it breaks my heart. I think my own mind prevents me from seeing it through fully.

 

[Pisceslilith]

Honestly I would be extremely anxious and probably cry but I would definitely push myself to just down it (N) and just get it over it.Even though it would be really scary because of si, I would much rather die than be me for more years.

 

[Fehler]

Same way as my first try, I guess. I already had everything prepared and the truth was that I was quite calm (weed helps) but when I had the 3 glasses ready in front of me, the "SI" and doubts began to come out...

I am very meticulous with these things, and I had everything written down and studied, even the smallest details (such as leaving the key to the apartment in a common area of the building and notified in the mail scheduled for the police, hopefully they do not break the door...)

I had the alarms programmed in the mobile for when I had to take each medication and the SN. The first time, I was saying goodbye and answering the people in my post, and that already took me a long time, but after several "backward marches", this time, I will only send the farewell post when I have taken the SN (already written). That is why the last time I'll do it, I will be smoking and listening to the chosen song in a loop, it will surely be a while until I vomit or decide to stretch out on the couch.

How strong SI will kick in? Do you think you will regret your decision at that moment? Do you expect physical pain?
.

Surely there is some regret, although I have accepted it when I drink it, the "SI" is unpredictable...but it is many years and I would already say to myself that it is "late/time to go" for it or something similar.

I am quite calm with the effects of suicide with SN. The only thing that worries me is the hypoxia, although having smoked and with an empty belly I don't think it will take me long to pass out; I have already done it 2 times while being smoked, the tachycardia will accelerate the process...from experience x-)

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I'm sure there will be some uneasiness. Once I'm there and everything is ready, I'll just follow through because my life at that point outside of those moments will have been settled, and there would be no chance to get it back. I'll stop my anti-depressants a couple of days beforehand. I will put on some sad music that paints me as I see myself and go for it.

 

[Bullit]

I don't know. Weird and sad. Creepy.