How do you hide your plans from your friends, family, therapists

[spixs_macaw]

...as the title already says.. I wonder how you hide your plans from your family, friends, therapists - like anyone being close to you.

I am looking back on a number of failed attempts so the topic is not really new to my family and friends although they think that I've recovered so we don't really talk about it anymore. I don't have much issues to hide my plans from them (though I don't necessarily feel good about it) but I recently ordered SN (it has not arrived yet) and I am now getting nervous because I will still have another session with my therapist before the holidays. He knows me really well and we discussed that whenever things / my plans are getting serious and acute, I should tell him. The last year has been really rough and he knows that I am struggling a lot with suicide thoughts so he keeps asking me at the end of every session: "can I trust you that you won't do anything to yourself?... And that you don't order any medicine, doing any research online etc. etc." So far, I was more or less fine to underplay things but with my order of SN the situations slightly changed. The point is that I do respect him a lot and I am having big troubles lying to him. The last thing I want, however, is to get hospitalised (before SN even arrived my place).

How are you handling this?

 

[sevenkarmas]

I avoid people for the most part.

What would his reaction be if you were to say, "I respect you too much to lie to you. I cannot promise you that I won't read stuff online."? My time with therapists have been limited. My mom is one, but I am super careful telling her anything. I also push back on stuff she shares to try to make sure she's not on the offensive. Other people may have better suggestions.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am in a partial hospital program (day treatment) at the moment. My team knows about my suicidal thoughts but I deny having a plan, thinking about a plan, or having any means. I have had my SN a few weeks now. I just avoid sharing any information that would indicate I'm going to actually do it. I need this to get me through to when I can use the SN, and if I change my mind along the way then that's great for my family.

It does sound like you may be skeptical though if you're questioning all this - remember this isn't something you HAVE to do and if you choose to disclose to your therapist, that's really brave.

 

[SamTam33]

You'll have to ask yourself what telling him/them would accomplish. What will the outcome be? Will it be favorable for you?

If not, why sabotage yourself.

This might sound trivial but when I have trouble sitting on something (not just ctb plans), I listen to 'Policy of Truth' by Depeche Mode. A single listen sets me straight lol.

You better learn your lesson well.
Hide what you have to hide.
And tell what you have to tell.
You'll see your problems multiplied if you continually decide to faithfully pursue the policy of truth.

 

[Wannagonow]

I simply don't tell them. Learned that quickly.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

Back when I tried everytime and fail. I took a sacred self pact to do them as they did me. To put it better "You didn't care in life, don't you dare care for me in death" I put that in my 3rd suicide note. I was ALMOST successful there. I took a handful of medications and was talking to my mom and fell unconscious and woke up in the hospital after pumping my stomach with charcoal...which is PAINFUL! After that I got scared of trying to again only to try two more times. Mutilating myself to death and Using my C-pap on the exhaust pipe of my car. Caught both times and thrown in the nut house which is just like jail, they are shit and strip you of all freedom. People who mention it to others imo just want attention and I get it. it's lonely as fuck out there and we just want someone to say "Hey, I care" however putting you in a home and washing their hands of the problem is a big dick move. So... if you ARE serious. Don't.Say.A.Damn.Word!

I avoid people for the most part.

So do I. I just sit at home and don't deal with their BS.

 

[NoLightRemains]

It's not very easy for me, but I lie. I do not admit to being in possession of lethal means. I'm fairly open about everything else. I do not think admitting I have SN would change anything or help. I would fear being "forced" to get rid of it or face inpatient hospitalization, and that is not something I plan on having happen.

I avoid people for the most part.

What would his reaction be if you were to say, "I respect you too much to lie to you. I cannot promise you that I won't read stuff online."? My time with therapists have been limited. My mom is one, but I am super careful telling her anything. I also push back on stuff she shares to try to make sure she's not on the offensive. Other people may have better suggestions.

I like this approach also. Just be careful just how honest you are.

 

[Sapphire]

I don't tell anyone about my plans. You can't have it both ways. You have to decide what you really want. If you want help, you tell someone. If you are serious about your plans, you don't tell anyone because they will try to stop you.

 

[wait.what]

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably try to avoid that meeting with your therapist. If you can't, then I agree with others that you need to make up your mind what you really want. If possible, keep from factoring in your therapist's feelings and desires. It sounds like you really care for him, which is great, but you weren't put on earth to make your therapist feel good. He doesn't have to live your life or die your death.

It sucks to have to lie to people, but if you want to avoid the hospital you may have to. If it helps to deal with the guilt, remember that it isn't your therapist who would end up wearing grippy socks, doing color-by-number and listening to the old lady with dementia swearing at the staff.

 

[spixs_macaw]

I avoid people for the most part.

What would his reaction be if you were to say, "I respect you too much to lie to you. I cannot promise you that I won't read stuff online."? My time with therapists have been limited. My mom is one, but I am super careful telling her anything. I also push back on stuff she shares to try to make sure she's not on the offensive. Other people may have better suggestions.

I can imagine it's difficult with a mom being a therapist, no? ... My mum isn't one but she can be very suspicious so I generally try to avoid her, particularly in acute times (like almost one year now).

I think he'd be worried but also make me promise not to do anything to myself over the holidays/until our next session which I can honestly do because a) I still wait for the SN and b) I don't have any concrete plans on when etc.

It does sound like you may be skeptical though if you're questioning all this - remember this isn't something you HAVE to do and if you choose to disclose to your therapist, that's really brave.

That's true - I am skeptical; mainly because I failed in the past so the next one really must work. I can't imagine myself surviving another attempt; I really know that I want to do this but I know that it requires thorough planning..

You'll have to ask yourself what telling him/them would accomplish. What will the outcome be? Will it be favorable for you?

If not, why sabotage yourself.

This might sound trivial but when I have trouble sitting on something (not just ctb plans), I listen to 'Policy of Truth' by Depeche Mode. A single listen sets me straight lol.

You better learn your lesson well.
Hide what you have to hide.
And tell what you have to tell.
You'll see your problems multiplied if you continually decide to faithfully pursue the policy of truth.

These are good questions. In terms of my plans there won't be any favorable outcomes for me I guess. Not so much in the short-term because I have to explain myself all over again and also not in the long-term because I will have to get rid of my SN (right after its arrival). And while writing my reply I am listening to the song (there is so much truth in it - wow!) - thanks <3

I don't tell anyone about my plans. You can't have it both ways. You have to decide what you really want. If you want help, you tell someone. If you are serious about your plans, you don't tell anyone because they will try to stop you.

You're right... I think I just need to remember this.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably try to avoid that meeting with your therapist. If you can't, then I agree with others that you need to make up your mind what you really want. If possible, keep from factoring in your therapist's feelings and desires. It sounds like you really care for him, which is great, but you weren't put on earth to make your therapist feel good. He doesn't have to live your life or die your death.

It sucks to have to lie to people, but if you want to avoid the hospital you may have to. If it helps to deal with the guilt, remember that it isn't your therapist who would end up wearing grippy socks, doing color-by-number and listening to the old lady with dementia swearing at the staff.

Yes... that's exactly my problem. I am in this constant conflict between 'finding out what it's best for me and what I really want' and 'trying to make everyone happy' like being a good friend, patient or whatsoever... I don't think that I can avoid the next meeting but your comment(s) helped me a lot to reflect on this whole situation and to sort things out before I talk to him.

 

[Bastet]

I would only speak vaguely about ctb with my therapist. Like about the toughts of ctb but with the assurance that I wont do it, because I know myself too good, and I would not speak about an order of sn or wathever.
I sent the sn to a parcel pickup station, so there is no way my roommates even getting suspicious. And I think they don't go snooping in my room, manly because I am home often, and they don't have a reason to do so, and don't really care.
I plan on getting one of this lockable metal cash boxes to store the sn, the other pills, the rope and future means in it.
I also plan to split the sn in multiple containers to have a redunancy in case one gets found and seized. Since I have half a kilo of it.

There are people who know im suicidal but I don't live with them.

 

[tarabole]

I am trying to balance not clueing anyone in to my plans but at the same time wanting them to understand how my illness has impacted my quality of life so it isn't a huge surprise. I know that having a family member do this will create some complicated emotions but I am hoping that they can find some kind of solace that my suffering won't be continuing.