It's Exactly as Mr.K described, tie up lose ends in order to come to terms with your decisions, research the methods, and if you need to purchase them put them in your cart, if there is a sudden noticeable fear/dread, then you aren't ready, many times it's just crippling loneliness that leads to us contemplating, sometimes it's the sense that something is missing and you are unable to grasp it no matter how hard you reach, sometimes it's the sense of being dragged down, swallowed almost as though you were stuck in quicksand and every second feels like it gets worst, it may be an amalgamation of all of these, there are other cases as well, take me for example, ever since i can remember i have never found things to make me happy, some things brought me short term joy/entertainment or rather contentment, but never really happiness nor did i feel love, I was highly energetic however and it wasnt until my junior year of highschool that i began to feel lethargy kicking in, not really Depression however, this continued, then i proceeded to college and a year and half into my education i had already turned 20 and i realized that i do not find any enjoyment in what I study, or what i do, or anything in general, I felt that all my interactions with people were faked as i acted happy and energetic, not that i was unhappy, but i was neutral i didn't feel anything, and january i turned 21 and i realized i'd grown weary of life, i'm not doing anything, ive got nothing i WANT to do, and i dont care, and logically speaking that's the worst, i have given up on improving myself because i don't care, the reason being that we improve ourselves constantly in order to better ourselves and receive in the long run, what do we receive? happiness, you work hard in highschool to go to college to get a good job to make good money to have a stable future so you are happy later in life, you do sports because they are fun and make you happy, you make money not just because our society is capitalistic and requires it for you to function but the more you have the more you can spend on yourself to make you happy, and quite frankly I had never been happy nor have I really felt love, but i do feel an obligation to my family not to be that selfish, also the afterlife, what comes in the afterlife? if Christianity is right (i use christianity only as an example, i myself don't believe nor do i disbelieve in god, i believe there is a greater power out there however i do not know what or whom it is, if it is indeed god {singular} then which religion is right? or if there are multiple why would my belief matter?) i believe that a higher power is out there and it may not necessarily be god, maybe it is either way at the end of the day any god worth worshiping would value an ambiguous belief in them that brings about positive actions over an extremely dedicated belief in them that bring bout negative actions, this means that any god worth being worshiped in my opinion will believe that the belief in them is not as important as the actions the belief is meant to bring about, most religious texts are intended to spread positivity and and instill rules and morals in us, and the belief in god is what acts as our deterrent from committing morally wrong actions, and the fact that a holy document can be edited to adapt to modern times does not sit well with me, homosexuality used to be classified as a sin for example, hence my lack of belief in "god" but my belief in a higher power, this world is too mysterious and this world is too vast to put down the idea of god altogether but i digress. Maybe i reincarnate and am born as another person, the thought of being someone else made me happy, but the idea of losing what made me...well me, my ideas, my intellect, my experiences and that's what had been stopping me, i'd essentially be killing another person but It kept coming down to this decision, and this is something i want.
What i don't want however is to be found, i just want to end it, no suicide note nothing, One day im going to get dressed, have my backpack on weighed down im going to be asked where im going, im going to say im going to school, say i love you, to at the very least provide my mom with one last good memory and sit down at the edge of the coney pier, and use whatever concoction I finally chose, (Either SN, Hemlock, Or cyanide) whichever I find more available and within my price range and just sit at the very edge, backpack facing the water so that when i fade into unconsciousness not only will i die from drowning should i botch up the other method, but , my body wont float back up to the surface and perhaps may decompose by the time im found.
When i die i want to be a tree in the forest.
