How do you feel about your own suicide?

[eternalmelancholy]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

 

[motel rooms]

All of the above, I suppose.

 

[Chinaski]

Pissed off. Fucking furious. I mean, seriously fucking livid. Tbh l don't even consider it suicide, l see it as being slowly murdered by the fucking doctors that have absolutely ruined my life and l will regret the fact that the cunts are going to get away with until my last breath, a real zero sum experience imo.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

A mix of emotions but mostly a deep sadness at being so isolated from everyone even though there are still people around me and deep anger for being such a significant failure at everything I do. I don't want to go, honestly, but it's that or continue to let my mind and health decline more rapidly with each passing day. I wish I had truly meant something to someone other than a sentiment or two, but I don't.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

No feelings whatsoever about it anymore. Life is worthless and i'm denied any joy, why bother.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Resigned, actually. In retrospect I should've seen it coming. Oh well, c'est la vie.

"To Fate, a fickle mistress whose sense of justice is exceeded only by her sense of humor."
—Teresa Medeiros, Yours Until Dawn

 

[Ta555]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

What is your reliable way? I'm sad tbh, feuatrated. My external circumstances/life is great. But my body/brain don't want to play along. I want to live but not like this.

 

[sadnurse]

Pissed off. Fucking furious. I mean, seriously fucking livid. Tbh l don't even consider it suicide, l see it as being slowly murdered by the fucking doctors that have absolutely ruined my life and l will regret the fact that the cunts are going to get away with until my last breath, a real zero sum experience imo.

Doctors and medicine ruined my life too… I am all of these emotions so I completely understand the feeling

 

[cambrai33]

Emotionless, it's just another thing that's need to be got done and must not fail. I will have more brutal options to employ should I suspect my expiration is not going to be successful

 

[needingpeace24]

Feel dead inside these days so not much emotion about it. Only thoughts of what life will be like for those I care about, say 10 years down the road. Hopefully they are able to put my death behind them and move on with their lives without much thought. Kind of odd to think I'll be a distant memory to everyone if I cross their minds at all.

 

[Someone123]

What is your reliable way? I'm sad tbh, feuatrated. My external circumstances/life is great. But my body/brain don't want to play along. I want to live but not like this.

It's interesting that you say your external circumstances/ life is great. This is rarely the case when someone ctb's, though it's not unheard of. It could be helpful to know what you mean more specifically when you say that your body/brain don't want to play along- maybe people here might have some ideas that could be helpful. This sounds like there may be some hope in your situation, though you would know better than anyone if there really is.

 

[Rational man]

Some guilt at leaving a few friends behind. some anger at medics for mishandling my case but also relief that I can end my pain when I decide to, with dignity, in control. I accept we all do die and ive had time to reflect on some good times.

 

[Someone123]

I am so upset about abuse that threw me off track and that I didn't figure out the solutions until way too late- I was so close at times, especially in my twenties, but I didn't get it figured out until way too late.

 

[bed]

i don't feel much, I'm more so pissed at myself for not being able to go through with it each time i've tried.

 

[Dot]

Guttd. Guttd tht thngs tht wld nt affct othr ppl hd sch disproportn8 effct on slf whch hs brght slf hre. Guttd tht hd 2 spnd yrs justfyng wh am & alwys flt lke hd 2 chnge. Ws nvr prblm wth ne.1 arnd slf - it ws alwys slf tht hd 2 b fxed.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

Just kind of numb at the moment. I feel i've got myself into a situation which is very difficult to step back from now, and i'm longing for simpler times. I have a partner who cares about me deeply and I do appreciate that. However I think they have very different expectations of the future than me, and i'm worried I cannot live up to those. There are many other factors as well, and I do have 'good' days, but I have an underlying sadness that I don't think can be fixed. I've lost all my self confidence and I feel like I'm not much fun to be around anymore. I do try to put on a happy face but it feels fleeting and exhausting even when I manage to pull it off.

I'm still not sure how to go, but I wish I could just flick a switch and be done with it, but it's not that easy. I feel incredible guilt for how I know it will make the few people who are close to me feel, but I'm struggling to see an alternative where I can continue to function in this world.

 

[yive]

i'm at peace with my decision to die, i don't regret anything, absolutely. the only thing i'm afraid of is this life (and surviving)

 

[Sanva]

I feel relieved that I won't have to do this anymore, and at the same time scared that i'll survive.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

Wistful, mostly. My dreams will not come true and that saddens me

 

[D&D]

This is an interesting question I have not seen been asked quite like this before.

Endless number of combinations of every human emotions comes to mind. I think we all go through the whole spectrum that changes as time passes.

I think of my own departure more like a trip ... perhaps into unknown, but life is unknown too. What I do know is that I cannot stay ... I am too alone, too sad and too broken to continue. The grief and guilt are overwhelming. It is matter of dignity that I 'light my own candle' while I still can. Recognizing that time is up and being able to exit with dignity is, in my view, a privilege.

 

[Insomniac]

It seems that most people here are either at peace and relieved, or sad and resentful.

I feel embarrassed. deeply embarrassed. I feel like some people will laugh at my suicide.

I'm also scared. I often have nightmares about it.

 

[TomFrost]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

Don't figure I feel much at all, like a wave in an ocean.

 

[Elri]

Excited

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Sad but relieved. I tried very hard to make things right, but I can never because of my conditions, be someone who can love and be loved. I do not understand how and why being loyal and caring has brought about so much pain and abandonment. I am trying to accept that I am likely a monster who don't deserve love, affection and a family no matter how much I try. Ctb seems to be the only way out because I'm sick and tired of trying to prove my worth to others, and trying so hard to connect with those who then later found me too intense.

I didn't ask for a personality disorder and other health issues but I tried very hard in my real life to be self reliant and to contribute and give. Paradoxically, I am very hungry for attention and affection, so much so that it hurts. I need to cease to exist because I struggle between feeling disconnected from others, feeling unwanted and it's getting too painful to deal with.

I feel as though I'm Frankenstein's monster, someone who's not worthy of love and companionship. But I'm trying very hard not to have a pity party and sorry for the rant.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

This is an interesting question I have not seen been asked quite like this before.

Endless number of combinations of every human emotions comes to mind. I think we all go through the whole spectrum that changes as time passes.

I think of my own departure more like a trip ... perhaps into unknown, but life is unknown too. What I do know is that I cannot stay ... I am too alone, too sad and too broken to continue. The grief and guilt are overwhelming. It is matter of dignity that I 'light my own candle' while I still can. Recognizing that time is up and being able to exit with dignity is, in my view, a privilege.

Thank you for this beautifully written post. I completely agree with you. At times I was angry and resentful. Other times I was sad and defeated. Now I am just looking forward to dying. I think I have finally accepted my fate.

I view ctb as self care and deliverance from pain and sorrow. We will all die eventually. Going out on our own terms is a privilege most do not get. My method is N and it can't get more peaceful than that. It has been a long journey that has finally led me to this point. I am not sure how to feel about my life. It is a mixture of emotions like many have said.

 

[Bedrock48]

It varies greatly day to day for me.

Overwhelmingly though I've been relieved and mostly at peace, although still sad that it might come to that. Sad that it is also something I know I have to do alone. Guilty for whoever finds me too.

It's a last resort, a last chance saloon if you will. I guess it also makes me sad that despite the effort I've put in, despite the effort of multiple professionals it still might not be enough and there might be nothing more that can be done. I've gotta fight for myself or in such a case, die trying. However if the day should come I do feel at peace with knowing I at least tried for much longer than I thought possible.

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

I feel desapointed that my life could have been good. All the tools were at my disposal, but I didn't know that. I think that wasn't really my fault since I grow up witnessing my father beating up my mother while drunk... that went for years... I guess after all I could never fully recover from that trauma and made bad life chooices because ot it.
Now here I stand, with knowledge on how to be happy, but with my body utterly destroyed.

 

[aprilshowers]

I know that the act itself will be unimaginably liberating, but I feel compelled to justify myself. I'm anxious to get that done properly, in truth.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Sometimes I feel a little guilty for how selfish I'm being because my reasons for wanting to commit suicide are quite petty all things considered. Then I realize that I am just a petty person overall anyway who is never going to even be able to properly mature without a miracle that will never come. If I'm allowed to continue to live, my pettiness will just manifest itself in ways that will eventually harm others besides myself anyway and even though I wouldn't care in the moment, I have the clarity now to want to end it sooner rather than later before someone really gets hurt by me.

When I consider this, I start becoming quite glad about my suicide, arrogant even. Removing myself from this reality is the most noble thing I can do because no matter how many idiots mourn my absence, I know for a fact that at least three times as many people will absolutely benefit from my death. Strictly from a numbers perspective, the needs of the many outweigh those of the few. I'm speaking only for myself when I say that this is truly the most noble and heroic thing I can possibly do and my selfish need for that sort of glory will also never fully go away.

 

[CiproKilledMe]

Pissed & horrified/terrified.