holyhorse
Member
- Mar 31, 2024
- 11
I barely get out of bed everyday, and brushing teeth is already seems some sort of a hard task, especially considering that it takes 30 minutes and I do it till my teeth ache and bleed. FYI, I have contamination OCD. As I get home, I just lay down on my bed because of the chronic neck + back pain and mentally prepare for a stupid ass showering session which takes like 2 hours. I leave the bathroom exhausted and then waste half an hour to dry myself with a towel, and then.... i just lay down on bed because the neck pain gets more intense after any compulsion. As I lie on the bed, I tell myself, "I'll just rest a little bit, and then get to work", when the time is 12 AM or even 1 AM. And of course, I eventually fall asleep. I wake up all stressed, annoyed, furious, but unable to at least sit up on the bed. And this cycle just repeats, repeats, and repeats... I shall not mention how many missed assignments I have and one of the main of them is my Capstone project. You might be thinking, if I'm on this website, then I've probably been planning my CTB, then why am I even bothered about studying if Im leaving this world soon??! I have to play a good student and a good daughter so one will disturb me. I wanna spend my last weeks peacefully. I dont want anybody constantly reminding me like oohhh you havent finished this and that, how are you gonna finish this year, it ruins your gpa etc etc. Not to mention that for one particular class I got <50% because I missed half of the second semester due to mental health issues and recently I had pneumonia. I already dropped one class, which was super interesting. Dropping it hurt my ego a lot and it made me feel sad as I really enjoyed this class.
By the way, back to the "cant leave my bed". Every morning is a fucking pain the ass. If I lie on the bed for 5 minutes longer, my mom will get hysterical; she's very emotional and easily stressed + overthinks a lot. As I enter the bathroom I cant even literally stand, my knees just give up. I dont want to do this. I dont want to give in to OCD. Fuck, I got a little of the topic. So, about studying. I dont know how to describe it but I'll try my best. It's like, my writing skills were suddenly taken away? Im not sure, maybe it's also somehow related to my OCD because when I need to write something I start to think of the best fitting word choices and grammatically correct sentences. And of course, at this point I just leave the paper blank. I might have some sort of a brain fog? I cant think straight, or maybe I cant think at all. I repeat the task over and over again, don't know for what though, it'll bring no result as always. I also struggle to focus. I cant sit still. I just start fidgeting or rocking on the chair. What the fuck. There are actually a lot of stuff that I need to write down so you would get a better view of what's going on, yet I dont want to overwhelm you with such a huge amount of useless info. I've probably left some possible questions unanswered. So feel free to ask anything. Maybe I should speak out to someone; I usually dont vent. I hate venting. And it's also tiring. I could've reached my advisor; he's a wonderful person. He was the first one to know that I have OCD. He was the first one to whom I opened up. But what's gonna happen if I do that? Life's gonna get sunshine and rainbows and I will leave my CTB plan behind? I already made a conclusion that I will CTB. Fuck this life. I actually feel bad for him that some emo ass student sticked to him and now he's responsible for me. He always has my back; he literally shits with the administration when they got problems with me. Always asks the teachers to give me a second chance after I hand out to them an empty test. I'm so grateful to him yet at the same time I feel bad for him. I always think that killing myself would make everyone's life easier. Ugh, this post supposed to be a short one, but now it turned to a whole vent post. Thanks for reading allat...
By the way, back to the "cant leave my bed". Every morning is a fucking pain the ass. If I lie on the bed for 5 minutes longer, my mom will get hysterical; she's very emotional and easily stressed + overthinks a lot. As I enter the bathroom I cant even literally stand, my knees just give up. I dont want to do this. I dont want to give in to OCD. Fuck, I got a little of the topic. So, about studying. I dont know how to describe it but I'll try my best. It's like, my writing skills were suddenly taken away? Im not sure, maybe it's also somehow related to my OCD because when I need to write something I start to think of the best fitting word choices and grammatically correct sentences. And of course, at this point I just leave the paper blank. I might have some sort of a brain fog? I cant think straight, or maybe I cant think at all. I repeat the task over and over again, don't know for what though, it'll bring no result as always. I also struggle to focus. I cant sit still. I just start fidgeting or rocking on the chair. What the fuck. There are actually a lot of stuff that I need to write down so you would get a better view of what's going on, yet I dont want to overwhelm you with such a huge amount of useless info. I've probably left some possible questions unanswered. So feel free to ask anything. Maybe I should speak out to someone; I usually dont vent. I hate venting. And it's also tiring. I could've reached my advisor; he's a wonderful person. He was the first one to know that I have OCD. He was the first one to whom I opened up. But what's gonna happen if I do that? Life's gonna get sunshine and rainbows and I will leave my CTB plan behind? I already made a conclusion that I will CTB. Fuck this life. I actually feel bad for him that some emo ass student sticked to him and now he's responsible for me. He always has my back; he literally shits with the administration when they got problems with me. Always asks the teachers to give me a second chance after I hand out to them an empty test. I'm so grateful to him yet at the same time I feel bad for him. I always think that killing myself would make everyone's life easier. Ugh, this post supposed to be a short one, but now it turned to a whole vent post. Thanks for reading allat...
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