How do you deal with the loss your CTB will cause?

[orca87]

For me, it's my mother. She had three children, including me. I am the oldest one.

Her daughter died a few days after birth. I was 5 at that time.

Her other son died at age 23 — I was 29. That's 7 years ago now.

I talked to her. Begged her to let me go. She can't. I feel responsible for her. I really feel bad to cause her pain when I go.
This responsibility is the only reason I'm not gone already.

She has lung cancer. For more than 5 years now. The pain I'd cause when I CTB would be unbearable for her, she would witness the death of all her children. I cannot imagine how that'd feel. However, a part of me hopes that she'll die soon — so that I can CTB

Anyone with a similar situation? How do you deal with these thoughts?

 

[Dizzylady80]

I have a lot of people who will be very hurt by my death, unfortunately there's no getting around that. I'm worried some of my friends or family might follow suit. I wish I had some advice on how to deal with it, but I just try not to think about it because it's overwhelming. I'm worried it'll get in the way of my own suicide when my date comes

 

[orca87]

I get it how people come to the impression that suicide is selfish when I read it.

However, it's the delusional thought that "mental" illness is the cause, no matter the circumstances and that mental illness is always curable.

It wouldn't sound selfish if we were suffering unbearable physical pain.

So you're right — it's hard but probably necessary.

 

[Dizzylady80]

I think suicide is inherently selfish even if you're in unbearable physical pain (which I am), since it's only for the one committing it. I'm still gonna do it though, I think it makes sense for me to, and I don't think selfishness is necessarily bad

 

[orca87]

I hope you'll find relief!

 

[Blackroom_57]

I'll be in so much pain when I finally attempt that there won't be space in my mind for thoughts like this.

 

[outrider567]

Only have an 80 yr old stepmother and a couple of cousins left

 

[uniqueusername39]

Fortunately I can only think of three people who will probably be affected by my death--my parents and my partner.

I don't bring that much money to the household so I genuinely can't imagine my absence to affect them too much economically in the long term, plus emotional-wise, they have three other children so they won't really be left alone. They'd wonder what they did wrong, but I've always been open to them about not being happy with my life so I think they can figure it out.

Our family dog can be taken cared of by my younger siblings, they'll be a part of the workforce soon so they can afford his healthcare in the long run as well. Maybe my parents will chip in as well, probably for the sake of my memory, since they would know how much I love and fought for that dog.

As for my partner, we've been together for a bit more than four years now, but it's a long-distance relationship. so we've never really met. I can't imagine making a big ripple in his life since he can function quite well without me, so it's all gucci.

I reason it like this: as long as my death doesn't drive any one of them to suicide, then the suffering I will cause them will be nothing compared to mine. The mind-numbing mundanity of my life and the meaninglessness of this joyless forever-toiling is what is driving me to the edge.

 

[orca87]

I reason it like this: as long as my death doesn't drive any one of them to suicide, then the suffering I will cause them will be nothing compared to mine. The mind-numbing mundanity of my life and the meaninglessness of this joyless forever-toiling is what is driving me to the edge.

I feel you. This emptiness is so unbearable.

In my case suspect that me being gone is the last piece that could drive my mom to CTB.

Other than her, there is no one left in my life.

 

[Sparr0w]

honestly, i just try not to think about it. most of the people who care about me will recover, eventually, although i'm worried that two people specifically (the person i'm closest to and an underage, depressed friend) will try to follow me. there's not much i can do or say to help the people who care about me to get them to move on from me, so... all i can really do is tell them it's not their fault, i guess.

 

[sorella santini]

I cannot imagine the loss of a child. Your mother must be very strong, bearing so much grief.

My feeling is honestly that the few people who actually care will all eventually be better off without me. My parents both have been deceased for decades, so I'm thankful I haven't had to deal with parental guilt since I was 20.

 

[Zetsubou]

It's something that I have thought about, yeah. The only family member who I'm close with is my mom, and we have a pretty strained relationship. Still, I know that this will devastate her. I think that, if the time ever comes, I'll get rid of everything that I own, sell some things like my car. That way, my mom won't be left dealing with my stuff after I'm gone, and there will be some extra cash left behind. I know this won't do much, but I'm hoping that it'll soften the blow a little.

I have a couple of friends who I'm sure will miss me, but I think they'll move on eventually.

 

[DrGreenberg]

I know that i'll represent a pretty big loss for a lot of members of my family but i think that they will eventually move on, moreover they are religious so the likeliness of them following me in the grave is tiny.

 

[Borgrot]

I'm not so delusional as not to think they won't be incredibly hurt by me going, but I'm causing them all such pain by being alive. Surely a short, sharp pain now is better than the long lingering hurt and pain I'll cause them by hanging around. It'll hurt them, it'll ruin them, but I'm already ruining everyone around me so it just makes sense to me.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

i can relate to this because my father already lost 1 child(my sister) to suicide, lost my mom to heart attack and now me will ctb.
he knows i always been suicidal and i attempted before.
I try not to think about it, hes a good man who didnt deserve losing his entire family but i am in so much pain often i can't just hold on for him even though i know i should.

 

[janejackson]

For me, it's my mother. She had three children, including me. I am the oldest one.

Her daughter died a few days after birth. I was 5 at that time.

Her other son died at age 23 — I was 29. That's 7 years ago now.

I talked to her. Begged her to let me go. She can't. I feel responsible for her. I really feel bad to cause her pain when I go.
This responsibility is the only reason I'm not gone already.

She has lung cancer. For more than 5 years now. The pain I'd cause when I CTB would be unbearable for her, she would witness the death of all her children. I cannot imagine how that'd feel. However, a part of me hopes that she'll die soon — so that I can CTB

Anyone with a similar situation? How do you deal with these thoughts?

You're really between a rock and a hard place. I'm sorry for you. I can't imagine how hard it is to have the prospect of leaving your mother with cancer without any children left after the death of your siblings.

I don't know how to deal with these thoughts. For me, it's my parents, my sister, my partner, and my best friend. My dad in particular… I've always been very close to him and he's already had a heart attack; what if my CTB caused him to have another, and it was fatal? Plus he's in chronic pain and is housebound because of it and is going blind. I don't want to make his life worse.

With my sister and my best friend, both have struggled multiple times with suicidal ideation; what if they ended up killing themselves at some point because of my suicide? If not directly because of the grief, because it emboldened them?

With my partner, he is a pretty happy person in general who enjoys life and has never once thought of suicide (I asked him once) and what if my CTB completely destroys his personality?

I had planned to CTB tomorrow. I don't think I can go through with it because of how much this weighs on me. But I also can't keep living this life. I've told myself instead of tomorrow, I will do it in a week or a week and a half. Telling myself that is the only way I can hang on right now.

I wish it weren't this way.

 

[CentreMid]

For me, it's my partner. The only things that help me ease the pain of leaving her are:

1) It is always possible for her to find love again after me. She is a beautiful person inside and out who deserves everthing good, and I know that she'll attract the right people just by being her wonderful self.

2) She is a strong person with a good, stable head on her shoulders. Yes, she will grieve, but I know that she is strong enough to be able to move on and not dwell on what she and I had.

It still makes me sad knowing I will have to leave her behind, but in the grand scheme of things, it's better if I go and spare her the pain of having me around.

 

[Scythe]

The way I deal with it is just thinking, I'll be dead, it's not my problem anymore. This is something that has to be done, and I will not suffer for years to ensure the happiness of others. I also think about the consequences and tell myself it's okay, I have to do this. To desensitize myself.
I have a bunch of family that will be devestated by my death. One of which is part of why I want to die, so she deserves all the pain from my death. i know one of them will need a trip to a psych ward after I die, and I can only hope my grandparents will move their love and attention to someone that's alive. There's also some online friends, but they'll be fine, they can at least understand why I did this. Unlike my family, who has the typical traditional viewpoints.

 

[RubySimon]

My system mates, I can't make that choice for them. It'd be wrong to deny them life just because I want to die.

 

[Unending]

I feel really guilty and resentful at the same time over this. I've tried to talk to my parents a lot about understanding that I need to go at some point and that I feel as though I'm being tormented by my life the majority of the time.

They just can't accept it apparently and just today my mom started crying when she told me about a dream she had where I died. I am in a lot of pain and just feel trapped, guilty and resentful at the same time.

I can definitely imagine the greatest sense of relief when my parents pass. It's not like I want them to die in general but if they passed, I could finally end my suffering and be free from the horror. I do fear that they wouldn't be able to handle the loss very well.

The pain of trying to resist suicide for their sake only weighs me down heavier and I feel like I'm being crushed psychologically.

 

[janejackson]

I can definitely imagine the greatest sense of relief when my parents pass. It's not like I want them to die in general but if they passed, I could finally end my suffering and be free from the horror. I do fear that they wouldn't be able to handle the loss very well.

The pain of trying to resist suicide for their sake only weighs me down heavier and I feel like I'm being crushed psychologically.

I also want to wait until my parents pass, ideally, but that feels impossible when I find it excruciating to get through even one more day.

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Ki_Nam]

The pain of trying to resist suicide for their sake only weighs me down heavier and I feel like I'm being crushed psychologically.

This was probably my greatest challenge, and it still is, aside from the fact that I'm being watched.

I also want to wait until my parents pass, ideally, but that feels impossible when I find it excruciating to get through even one more day.

I don't know what to do anymore.

This is ideal for me too. But I'm a selfish and evil person and that won't change. For that I'm truly sorry.