Help how do you deal with the guilt?

[Anna.]

the title, really. my date isn't until march and already every time i look at my wife, or my family, or even my pets, the guilt consumes me. i promised her i would stay, that i would tell her when i wanted to kill myself, but instead i'm lying through my teeth, and i keep picturing her face when she finds out. it hurts my soul and it almost makes me want to change my mind, but i can't. i'm scared this will make me chicken out of ctb

 

[BipolarExpress]

That's one of the things I struggle with the most: the guilt of leaving my friends and cat behind. I hate the idea of depriving them of a friend, confidant, and caretaker, but I also know that continuing to live means continuing to deal with inaccessibility, flashbacks, triggers, depression, anxiety, and abject misery. It is time to go—if only I could find the right time to do it. I think it's soon, but I'm not sure when.

 

[Rounded Agony]

I can only picture myself in shoes like yours. I have no offspring, partner, pets, or good friends (save for one I'm in the process of making, to whom I'm honestly considering admitting I have profound SI to give a fair chance out) to be disappointed. I don't much like how it'd affect my grandparents, and my parents, well...we're distant and they're not monsters, but half the reason is their fault.

I feel we're bound to agony on either side. If I had supportive bonds in my life I'd be doing much, much better, and at times make (so far only failed) efforts to try and establish them, but I have hesitated due to feeling irresponsible about leading people to care about someone who knowingly may off themselves. We're all deserving of love though, and if many of us had had it at the times we needed it, we wouldn't be here to begin with.

 

[Exact Change]

I share the same guilt and it keeps me here. I am amazed you have shared your thoughts of leaving with your spouse. It sounds like a great relationship.

For me, I try to assure myself that my wife and kids are strong enough to deal with my passing. But, I think I'm just lying to myself.

 

[snowman626]

i just think that relative to the whole world of people suffering through all kinds of things everyday i am just a drop in an ocean. and in a relatively short 50yrs everyone im guilty about leaving behind today would also be gone by then. dont focus too much on your own life and try to detach yourself from this world

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

Guilt is the main reason why I am still (unfortunately) here. I guess also because I am uncertain about what happens after death.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

Same feelings. I shared my real thoughts with my parents like 5 years ago, but the results are too hard to bear... I regret telling them my real thoughts. I made a promise to my best friend (who means so much to me) about a date to ctb, kinda far away but it actually provides his understanding. The promise is the reason to keep me here.

 

[freedomcalls]

Yes… I get it
I also have children, parents who depend on me…
They are the reason I stay

I swing between "they'd be ok, they'd move on, maybe they'd be better off if I wasn't here" to "if I'm going to stay out of guilt then I have an obligation to them to not just stay alive but also try to create a meaningful life for myself while I am here" but the effort that takes is phenomenal and I can't sustain it for long

Imagining my children going through the feelings that I am, I often try and ask myself "what do I want to teach them to do if they ever feel like this?", and that can be my prompt to go walk my dog, go for a swim or eat a healthy meal etc

I try to take solace in the moments of connection I can offer them

But it's painful and exhausting To stay alive for someone else and I'm sorry you have to do it to right now

 

[Forever Sleep]

Guilt is keeping me here because I don't feel like I can do it to my Dad. I don't think people who make that choice to go love their families any less. I just think it got to a point where their pain was no longer bearable.

I guess it interests me that your wife knows about your ideation. What did she say? To ask you to tell her if you planned to go ahead with it does seem to mean she believes it is a realistic possibility. What do you think she would do if you did tell her?

 

[Nirrend]

the title, really. my date isn't until march and already every time i look at my wife, or my family, or even my pets, the guilt consumes me. i promised her i would stay, that i would tell her when i wanted to kill myself, but instead i'm lying through my teeth, and i keep picturing her face when she finds out. it hurts my soul and it almost makes me want to change my mind, but i can't. i'm scared this will make me chicken out of ctb

Hi sweet @rainonmars

I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

I understand, the guilt, the dilemma, the desire to run away, but the helplessness, the exhaustion....

It's awful I agree... ❤

I don't want to incite you but, the guilt can only be part of you in a situation like yours

I think I understand that in your daily life, you can't isolate yourself, you spend every day with your family. They have plans, they include you in them, you have to falsely say "Yes haha, I'll be there".

Every project you're included in and every time you falsely say or think for them "I'll be there" it's like a big slap in the face. It makes you feel a lot more guilty and reality comes back to your face. Their future suffering, the responsibilities

I will never incite you but I'll try to imagine both possibilities

1) Suicide:

I'll be honest, I went through these stages and the only two that really worked for me were

-Isolation
-Detachment

I isolated myself, I was less and less with my loved ones to better prepare myself. I felt less included in life with them and I had the feeling that I no longer existed as a living person as I became more and more isolated. My guilt was diminishing.

For detachment, I tried to minimize my thinking, I restricted myself to me, to my plans. It doesn't work much, but it still helped me

Sorry if this sounds pretentious but here is conclusion I found when I prepared myself to ctb. I tried an experiment on me during 3 months, don't know if this can give you answers : https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/3-months-of-death-diary-final-concluding-comments-3.100763/

2) Recovering

I don't want to lecture, to say banalities, the one who speaks without knowing.

But I think it would be a great pity if you were to miss out on a happiness that may be close to you, but is not visible at the moment...

I understand that you are suffering, but then I have no idea what you are suffering from. Sometimes torments can be transitory, sometimes long but curable and sometimes I'll be honest, when you've tried everything to get better, and nothing works, maybe yes, for some people, care is difficult to envisage...

But, do you really think it's all over? ❤

Do you think that right now the fog is so thick that you can't see the blue sky? ❤

Do you know exactly what it would take to be happy? And do you think it's possible to be happy even if you don't have everything you need?

I'm not a miracle worker, I was just offering you something to think about, because maybe what you think is a dead end is actually just an obstacle where deviations exist ❤

I was also wondering why your date is far from today (March). You have your reasons of course ! But I was wondering if this is because you want to be sure that in this period (today to march) things can get better or not

Anyway, whatever you choose to do, we will respect your choice ❤

These are complicated times and I hope things will get better ❤

You are brave, have a good day ❤

Love ❤

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but the way that I see it death, grief and loss are simply an inevitable part of life. We will all die and lose everything someday, it's simply what we are intended for as humans and it's our fate to die. There's nothing that we can do about this so it makes sense to accept it. Once we die we will no longer have any concerns or worries and how others react to our death is simply nothing to do with us as we won't be there at that point. The truth is that suicide is a human right and it's up to us when to exit this life and there could never be anything wrong with this.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Thank you everyone for this thread. The guilt is the biggest and only thing keeping me here. This helps me feel better.

 

[Anna.]

Guilt is keeping me here because I don't feel like I can do it to my Dad. I don't think people who make that choice to go love their families any less. I just think it got to a point where their pain was no longer bearable.

I guess it interests me that your wife knows about your ideation. What did she say? To ask you to tell her if you planned to go ahead with it does seem to mean she believes it is a realistic possibility. What do you think she would do if you did tell her?

i attempted and she found me, she believes now that if i tell her before, she'll find a way to stop me. when i told her, she told me about how she would die without me etc. it just made me feel worse, but i know that's not her intention

Hi sweet @rainonmars

I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

I understand, the guilt, the dilemma, the desire to run away, but the helplessness, the exhaustion....

It's awful I agree... ❤

I don't want to incite you but, the guilt can only be part of you in a situation like yours

I think I understand that in your daily life, you can't isolate yourself, you spend every day with your family. They have plans, they include you in them, you have to falsely say "Yes haha, I'll be there".

Every project you're included in and every time you falsely say or think for them "I'll be there" it's like a big slap in the face. It makes you feel a lot more guilty and reality comes back to your face. Their future suffering, the responsibilities

I will never incite you but I'll try to imagine both possibilities

1) Suicide:

I'll be honest, I went through these stages and the only two that really worked for me were

-Isolation
-Detachment

I isolated myself, I was less and less with my loved ones to better prepare myself. I felt less included in life with them and I had the feeling that I no longer existed as a living person as I became more and more isolated. My guilt was diminishing.

For detachment, I tried to minimize my thinking, I restricted myself to me, to my plans. It doesn't work much, but it still helped me

Sorry if this sounds pretentious but here is conclusion I found when I prepared myself to ctb. I tried an experiment on me during 3 months, don't know if this can give you answers : https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/3-months-of-death-diary-final-concluding-comments-3.100763/

2) Recovering

I don't want to lecture, to say banalities, the one who speaks without knowing.

But I think it would be a great pity if you were to miss out on a happiness that may be close to you, but is not visible at the moment...

I understand that you are suffering, but then I have no idea what you are suffering from. Sometimes torments can be transitory, sometimes long but curable and sometimes I'll be honest, when you've tried everything to get better, and nothing works, maybe yes, for some people, care is difficult to envisage...

But, do you really think it's all over? ❤

Do you think that right now the fog is so thick that you can't see the blue sky? ❤

Do you know exactly what it would take to be happy? And do you think it's possible to be happy even if you don't have everything you need?

I'm not a miracle worker, I was just offering you something to think about, because maybe what you think is a dead end is actually just an obstacle where deviations exist ❤

I was also wondering why your date is far from today (March). You have your reasons of course ! But I was wondering if this is because you want to be sure that in this period (today to march) things can get better or not

Anyway, whatever you choose to do, we will respect your choice ❤

These are complicated times and I hope things will get better ❤

You are brave, have a good day ❤

Love ❤

thank you for your kind words:) the reason my date is far from now is so i have time to tie up my loose ends. i have family from other countries and i want to visit them to say goodbye.

 

[Forever Sleep]

i attempted and she found me, she believes now that if i tell her before, she'll find a way to stop me. when i told her, she told me about how she would die without me etc. it just made me feel worse, but i know that's not her intention

Oh God- yeah, that's really tough. I'm so sorry. I just don't know what to say. Only you know what you're going through and how much you can take. Is it anything she can help with- or, anyone else for that matter do you think? I'm sorry you are suffering so much.