Help How do you deal with having no-one to open up to?

[Nitlott]

I don't know, maybe it sounds childish or narcissistic or even a stupid thing to ask but it's been on my mind for quite some time. How do you live knowing there won't be anyone you could calmly and peacefully talk and vent to without worrying about keeping your face and image they have of you? At least for the next year or so.

I've never been a social outcast of any sort, just the normal amount of friends you feel somewhat comfortable with. At some point in my life I started to notice that I...I don't know, limit myself with them? That there are not just certain topics I don't discuss with them but certain types of behaviours I don't show too. For example, I just can't bring myself to make a card for one of my friends because it just feels...off with them. That they'll see it the wrong way or something. But with the other guy it's totally fine! Yeah, I know it sounds really stupid and it's probably a normal thing for humans to feel. But that's not the main point. All those times of me scrapping gifts for them, comments and even my reactions and facial expressions made some sort of a panopticon inside my head where I'm the prisoner and the officer at the same time. And that mindset just ruins any attempt of sharing my problems and worries before they can even start. If I even try to start that topic with anyone I'll just shut it myself the next minute or so, by failing to properly word it for them or just stopping talking.
But the need to discuss it doesn't disappear. Shared sorrow is half the sorrow, right? So the next best thing for me to do is just to imagine how that conversation would go. And... Making up how they'd calm me or try to understand. Sounds really pathetic (because it is).

I have no idea how to deal with it. Journaling can be a great thing for that in theory but it just feels really heavy and hard to word and write down it all. Although when I DID make an entry (a very shitty one also) I felt... lighter? But it was before I started cutting a little again now and then, so I doubt I'll get the same high now.

 

[deny_conformity]

I can't open up to my real life friends, I can joke about suicide with them but they find it distasteful since my attempt last year. I've found talking to random people online helps (it's a huge part of why I'm on SaSu - to feel less alone).

I also talk to my various mental health professionals (care coordinator, psychiatrist, counsellor, psychologist). I'm completely blunt and honest with my mental health professionals so they get a better understanding of me but they tend to project on me because I'm quite jovial and jokey about suicide - it's difficult to convey my distress because I mask so well.

 

[PhilosopherQu3en]

I second deny_conformity's mention of mental health professionals. I have the same struggle as you where It's hard to open up to some of my friends. My therapist tried to help me through this and they recommended being mindful of how vulnerable you feel at any given moment and then trying to open up a little bit of vulnerability to see how they respond. This will help you build up a sense of emotional safety around friends or at least realize which friends make you feel comfortable to stay around. I hope this helps you. It's definitely helped me a little, but I'm definitely not to a point where I feel emotionally safe all the time.

My second piece of advice would be to try to insert yourself into different social groups. It can be incredibly healing to see how other groups interact if you're used to a certain setting. Maybe you don't fit in with the new group, but it can show you some behaviors that your old groups can improve on.

Finally, if you feel like different parts of you are in conflict I would research Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. IFS has been pretty useful to me to do some heavy work on past trauma. It does fit with some of my meditation or spiritual practices though so ymmv. Hope it helps!!