How do you deal with being a big red flag in dating? Should I quit my college self-help group?

[noname223]

I am in this self-help group. And now it happens a second time I have a crush on someone. It is another love delusion I am pretty sure about that. It always the same. I project my deepest hopes and desires into one person. Someone who save me from suicide and poverty. Bitch that will never happen. I noticed this woman in my self-help group might like me. She looked sad when I said I might leave the group. She laughed about my jokes I dropped. Of course I cannot read thoughts. My wish was she is interested in me as a partner. However, the way more realistic answer is she tried as good as possible to avoid that I develop such thoughts. We never talked to each other privately. She looks good.

I think I might should stop visiting this self-help group. First, I was ambiguous about the group whether it actually helps. I am more and more convinced it does more damage than helping me. These love delusions are gut-wrenching. Really they are so extremely cruel and painful. Moreover, not seldomly we talk in this group about love and partnerships. And that's also gut-wrenching for me. Last time we talked about ex-partners and it was very hard for me not to start crying.
I opened up about suicide in that group and they handled it well. But I stopped talking about it because I had the feeling it was burdensome for the others.

I am not sure why I am actually still visiting this group. One of my main motivations secretly was to find a partner. I realize that is very unrealistic. The others in the group know how needy I am. They know about the love delusions. They know about my suicidality. I think all of them know I am big red flag someone who should be avoided as a partner as good as possible. Thefollowing thought haunts me: Maybe that girl actually likes me but considers me a big bad red flag which I can sort of understand. But also this thought might be overthinking. I think she is pretty lonely and barely has social contacts. Maybe she just likes me as a friend and will miss me when I leave because of that.

I have 3 books and true mutual love are on my bucket list. True mutual love is way more important for me. But it is very unlikely I am able to achieve that. I have the naive hope a partnership could save me from committing suicide. I don't know how it feels like. I think it is something my soul is craving for. However, after all my completely hopeless attempts to come closer to this goal I more and more lose all hope. If I cannot find a girlfriend I marry death instead. Last time in the self-help group where I almost cried only my thoughts about Sanctioned Suicide could comfort me so that I did not start crying. I am on two dating apps. And I am texting with a woman I am not attracted to. I consider to kill myself in October. How ethical is it trying to find a partner knowing that? At the same time I have the feeling a partner could save me from ctb or at least postpone it for some years. It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy to give up my attempts to find someone.

The last weeks always when I went to this self-help group I was crying afterwards or on the edge of it. These people have so vanilla problems compared to me. They talk about love, plans for the future I have none of that. I have way better friends than most people on this planet and I am aware of that. But I have too much dignitiy to beg them for money when hardship hits. They also don't have that much money. Also going to this group reminds me of college and I prefer to kill myself over going back to college. My self-loathing demands of me to continue studying just for the sake of the degree. I will never be able to work anyway but at least I had a degree in my pocket. My rational me says this hellhole torture is simply not worth it. Anything but that. I think it would be way more rational to kill myself than to continue this insane torture. I am way way too ill for part time (!) college. I have SN stored under my bed. If my mom dies I am out of here immediately.

So what remains after this thread. My naive paranoid me which still hopes that woman actually likes me and wants to save me. But the sooner I let this thought go the less pain will it cause. When I confronted myself with the more realist perspective it already hurt like hell. So what to do with the self-help group? I think the last 7 weeks I never talked about my suicidality. In my mind it says be careful not to scare that woman who potentially likes me. However, I was so fucking explicit that it already is way beyond that point. This is also a problem in the group. Always when I am somewhat honest people will see me as a red flag. I had to lie all the time which would make the self-help group even more unnecessary than it already is.

Maybe it is time to say goodbye to this self-help group. In general talking to women in real life always backfires for me. (I become paranoid) I am seemingly better in texting with them in dating apps (With the help of my friends). But seemingly I am not attractive enough to get good matches which also hurts me.
I could go full nuclear in this group after I made sure that women does not like me. I could tell them the truth that I cry after every single session. I think the organisatior thinks the group would stop me from suicide. LMFAO. No bro it fuels it. All these love delusions fuel it like hell. After the last love delusion I ordered SN. The woman noticed I had a love delusion of her. For her it was no a big deal. It felt for me like extreme humiliation and made me acute suicidal. It felt like the one thousand narcisisstic injury I ever had to stomach. And I simply cannot handle it anymore. I could go full nuclear and talk about the suicide forum I am regularly visiting and how much better it is for my mental health than this fucking self-help group. Not sure whether this would be a smart move.

Fuck my life.

 

[derpyderpins]

Uh, so general rule for life: don't join a self-help group specifically to try and find a woman. I get that you wanted someone who can understand your pain, but it comes off as praying on people who are vulnerable.

That said, if you seem to have chemistry, I'd say leave the group but ask her out as you leave. If she wants to hang out with you outside the group that's on her, then.

But yeah, you've got to get past looking for someone to "save" you. If she wants a relationship, well, she's in a self-help group for a reason, too. Relationships have to go both ways.

I do get you on the love delusions. I've had a woman figure out I was crushing on her and in the end she abused that knowledge and really hurt me. I'm sorry you're having these powerful emotions. As a romantic I do empathize with longing for a relationship.

 

[noname223]

Uh, so general rule for life: don't join a self-help group specifically to try and find a woman. I get that you wanted someone who can understand your pain, but it comes off as praying on people who are vulnerable.

That said, if you seem to have chemistry, I'd say leave the group but ask her out as you leave. If she wants to hang out with you outside the group that's on her, then.

But yeah, you've got to get past looking for someone to "save" you. If she wants a relationship, well, she's in a self-help group for a reason, too. Relationships have to go both ways.

I do get you on the love delusions. I've had a woman figure out I was crushing on her and in the end she abused that knowledge and really hurt me. I'm sorry you're having these powerful emotions. As a romantic I do empathize with longing for a relationship.

Finding a significant other was one aspect. Actually my dad pressured me to go to group therapy. I benefited of one to one psychotherapy somewhat. I am ambivalent when the motivation changed. There were time venting in the group helped. But overall I noticed in real life opening myself can trigger me pretty severely which happened several times and almost made me collapse.

I noticed more and more than I barely profit of talking about myself in that group. My pain is simply too much and extreme. I cannot relate to the others in that group. At the same time I feel lonely all the time.

I am not sure about the impact when I leave. I am not sure anymore about my intentions because i think they might have changed over time.

But thanks for your feedback.

 

[derpyderpins]

Finding a significant other was one aspect. Actually my dad pressured me to go to group therapy. I benefited of one to one psychotherapy somewhat. I am ambivalent when the motivation changed. There were time venting in the group helped. But overall I noticed in real life opening myself can trigger me pretty severely which happened several times and almost made me collapse.

I noticed more and more than I barely profit of talking about myself in that group. My pain is simply too much and extreme. I cannot relate to the others in that group. At the same time I feel lonely all the time.

I am not sure about the impact when I leave. I am not sure anymore about my intentions because i think they might have changed over time.

But thanks for your feedback.

Oh okay I getcha, so you went initially for the therapy but you're sticking around because you like this girl. I still vote ask her out as you leave.

But yes, it can be very difficult to have that companionship when the level of problems you're having is so different. That's why I love this place.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I understand walking out of a place that reminds you too much of the people you've fallen in love with. I'm pretty much doing the same thing right now.

 

[eatantz]

I also think love could save me, at least for a little longer. Its pointless but its nice to dream about it

 

[escape_from_hell]

I too fantasize about finding love as we are both giving up on life, finally finding a person I deeply connect with.
Deus ex machina. But it's probably just another form of survival instinct. Holding out for that SaSu Sweetheart.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've been through maybe 13 years of I reckon limerent crazy crushes on people. I know how terrribly painful and frustrating it is. I'm still drawn to thinking the same way you do though. I've made more effort to move it entirely into the realms of fantasy. Crushes on actors etc. Seems safer that way!

It helped me to remove myself from the intensity of it by identifying that this is just what I do- ie. find the most appealing guy in my current world and attach all these feelings to him. We're animals at the end of the day. Natural really that we're going to subconsciously or consciously try to seek out someone.

It can be incredibly painful to be around though. I guess, maybe the best thing to do is to work out whether there is anything between you. I could never summon the courage to do that myself though. Probably because I knew I didn't stand a chance but- it nips it in the bud I suppose.

I guess- regarding whether you stay or leave the group. In what ways does it help? In what ways does it make you feel worse? I guess you have to weigh it all up. If it's mostly the fixation with finding a partner causing the problem, can you stop that? Don't get me wrong. I used to find myself doing it. Sometimes, I knew I'd be meeting someone new at work and there'd be this ridiculous hope/ fantasy that they would be 'the one'. Most of the time, they'd be married to some gorgeous woman. I'd have to berate myself for being so ridiculous... again. Still, I suppose we never know. It might happen that way but it just as likely may not. You could just as well meet someone at a bus stop.

 

[noname223]

I've been through maybe 13 years of I reckon limerent crazy crushes on people. I know how terrribly painful and frustrating it is. I'm still drawn to thinking the same way you do though. I've made more effort to move it entirely into the realms of fantasy. Crushes on actors etc. Seems safer that way!

It helped me to remove myself from the intensity of it by identifying that this is just what I do- ie. find the most appealing guy in my current world and attach all these feelings to him. We're animals at the end of the day. Natural really that we're going to subconsciously or consciously try to seek out someone.

It can be incredibly painful to be around though. I guess, maybe the best thing to do is to work out whether there is anything between you. I could never summon the courage to do that myself though. Probably because I knew I didn't stand a chance but- it nips it in the bud I suppose.

I guess- regarding whether you stay or leave the group. In what ways does it help? In what ways does it make you feel worse? I guess you have to weigh it all up. If it's mostly the fixation with finding a partner causing the problem, can you stop that? Don't get me wrong. I used to find myself doing it. Sometimes, I knew I'd be meeting someone new at work and there'd be this ridiculous hope/ fantasy that they would be 'the one'. Most of the time, they'd be married to some gorgeous woman. I'd have to berate myself for being so ridiculous... again. Still, I suppose we never know. It might happen that way but it just as likely may not. You could just as well meet someone at a bus stop.

Thanks for your reply. You pose interesting questions. But I think currently the answers to these questions hurt me too much to write them down here.
The only thing that can comfort me is death and suicide when I realize how hopeless my search for a partner is. I crave so much for it. But I am currently texting with this woman on the dating app. However, I am not really interested in her. I even consider to ignore that at the same time this is selfish and will backfire. I hate my obession about intelligence and education. It hurts so much.

 

[hadenough58]

I too fantasize about finding love as we are both giving up on life, finally finding a person I deeply connect with.
Deus ex machina. But it's probably just another form of survival instinct. Holding out for that SaSu Sweetheart.

It is human nature to want to find love as we are not solitary beings, the difficulty is finding the right person and just because they are the right person when you meet them does not mean you will not grow apart over the years to come, hence the high divorce rate.
You really have to weight up the possible or even likely hurt in the future over the happiness it will bring you in the moment.
Some people are lucky in that they have no problem being alone and for others it is devastating but I do not really believe anyone is happy being alone?