Help how do you deal w/ the guilt?

[nooky]

hello everyone

im just another person who want to ctb, i don't feel this low very often but when i do, it hits hard. i was diagnosed w depression and am currently talking to a therapist and using 20mg of prozac daily, but the fact that im making this post should hint how effective those are lol. i want to go because i really can't live up to the expectations everyone sets for me, im just not cut out for life, im too lazy and unmotivated. the world isnt really that great, i don't have a desire to change or stay in it. in addition, i've done some bad things, and there are traits about me that are bad, so much so that i dont believe i deserve to live because of it. i wish i could give my life to someone who would really want it or use it better. the fact that i want to ctb makes me feel worse because it feels like im throwing away everything everyone in my life gave me. i have friends and family and an SO and im not broke and im going to school and i have a job -- i guess im just so ungrateful even all of that isnt enough to make life appealing for me. well i guess my selfishness is all the more reason to ctb.

i already have SN onhand, and plan to use tums or milk magnesia as an antacid. its too much trouble to try to get antimemetic so ig ill try to go without. i think when im ready, ill take the bus to a hotel somewhere and do it there so i dont risk my family finding me. i'll probably do it in the bathroom and put a note on the door for housecleaning so i dont accidentally traumatize them.

the #1 (probably only) thing that is keeping me from doing it is i cant shake the effect that it will have on my friends and family. i know ill be dead so i wont even experience it but thinking about how i would feel if someone close to me suicides; it just gives me chills and i can't go through. how do you effectively ignore this impact or maybe try to soften it? i don't want to be the reason why my mom will have sleepless nights and things like that...

i just wish i wasnt born in the first place man

 

[it's_all_a_game]

Hey dude, I know dealing with guilt is hard. Personally, you should ask yourself if you really want to live for others' sake or not. And suicide isn't selfish, that's just society's BS.

 

[nooky]

Hey dude, I know dealing with guilt is hard. Personally, you should ask yourself if you really want to live for others' sake or not. And suicide isn't selfish, that's just society's BS.

thank you. yeah, living for other people i guess isnt really a strong reason to exist. sorry, didn't mean to imply suicide is selfish, everyone has their reasons ig

 

[WornOutLife]

What's happening to you is perfectly normal.
I used to, well, still feel guilty about CTB but the other option is to live an unhappy life until I die so, there's no way I stay in this hell.

I think we gotta be selfish in order to ctb. Otherwise, it's very hard to leave.

Sure, our families and friends will mourn and suffer but eventually they'll move on.

 

[selfdeprecatingjoke]

The guilt I feel has made me distance myself from my family. I've reduced interactions to the bare minimum because I can't even look them in the eye for too long sometimes. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm struggling with this just like you.

 

[yive]

how do you deal w/ the guilt?

i don't feel guilty for anyone. i absolutely don't care.
"i live in a dark forest, among trees that are indifferent to my pain"

 

[Sprite_Geist]

the world isnt really that great, i don't have a desire to change or stay in it.

When you say this do you mean that the world is not great in the sense that it is unkind, or is it something else?

 

[Yasuke]

I don't have any guilt but youcant let others influence this decision to that degree

 

[AbandonedGirl]

I have been told day after day how they will feel bad if I died to the point that I stopped caring (I know it makes me sound cruel but im just so tired of this life.) I think about how I am staying up till 4am crying and self harming and then I think "Is it really worth going like this for the rest of my life? ". I looked at people around me who lost someone they love and when i see them smile after some time has passed gives me hope that when I am gone after some time people who cared about me will smile again.

 

[lost_soul83]

Hey dude, I know dealing with guilt is hard. Personally, you should ask yourself if you really want to live for others' sake or not. And suicide isn't selfish, that's just society's BS.

I agree. I think society should feel the guilt for making us stay alive, even though we're miserable and suffering.

 

[Timetoctb]

I feel you. It's really hard when you have a loving family.

I have seen loved ones around me dealing with death. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes it takes years, but humans eventually move on.

Personally, I am afraid they will blame themselves for my suicide so I plan on leaving a detailed suicide note explaining how it's my, and only my decision and they are not responsible for it.

 

[nooky]

When you say this do you mean that the world is not great in the sense that it is unkind, or is it something else?

just that the world is pretty unkind. i mean my life is comfortable enough bu there are so many other people around the world suffering and frankly i dont have faith that it will every truly stop

 

[Sprite_Geist]

just that the world is pretty unkind. i mean my life is comfortable enough bu there are so many other people around the world suffering and frankly i dont have faith that it will every truly stop

Okay I understand now.

Well you are right - the world definately has a lot of cruelty going on in it, and unfortunately I agree with you that it might not ever stop. However while the human species will never be "perfect", or without conflict, I believe that there is a possibility of it slowly improving - but that is just me.

Also: just because someone else is suffering that does not invalidate your own pain, so please do not feel guilty about this; living can be tough - sometimes even horrific.

 

[js927?!]

Your not alone, I feel sick with guilt. I have a loving partner and 3 beautiful children. Very supportive family and friends. I just wish I knew that they would be ok. I know deep down they'd be better off without me. I have bipolar been in a low for 6 months now I'm at so tired, I've got nothing left.

It was my daughters birthday yesterday I had to be here for her birthday. Nothing is stopping me now :(.

My partner bought a medication box but I found out the code today.

 

[Natty]

You move on from the guilt about ctb eventually. I used to feel horrible when imagining my wife finding me or hearing the news that I was gone. I don't feel that any longer, it's just not reasonable or fair to expect someone living in misery to continue down that path. I hope that when I'm gone she'll eventually know it was for the best, but even if not, I know that my suffering will and and so will the chances of it potentially spreading to others.

It's the right thing. Period.

 

[Wrennie]

I don't feel overly guilty when it comes to leaving behind my family since they're the ones who drove me to this in the first place, but I do fear the impact that my departure will have on my close friends.

 

[nooky]

I feel you. It's really hard when you have a loving family.

Personally, I am afraid they will blame themselves for my suicide so I plan on leaving a detailed suicide note explaining how it's my, and only my decision and they are not responsible for it.

Your not alone, I feel sick with guilt. I have a loving partner and 3 beautiful children. Very supportive family and friends. I just wish I knew that they would be ok. I know deep down they'd be better off without me. I have bipolar been in a low for 6 months now I'm at so tired, I've got nothing left.

You move on from the guilt about ctb eventually. I used to feel horrible when imagining my wife finding me or hearing the news that I was gone. I don't feel that any longer, it's just not reasonable or fair to expect someone living in misery to continue down that path. I hope that when I'm gone she'll eventually know it was for the best, but even if not, I know that my suffering will and and so will the chances of it potentially spreading to others.

i agree with all of you guys, it's really painful thinking about the people who love you when you just wanna check out. on some days though, the pain of existing is just worse, and i guess on one of those days ill be ready to go

i don't feel guilty for anyone. i absolutely don't care.
"i live in a dark forest, among trees that are indifferent to my pain"

I have been told day after day how they will feel bad if I died to the point that I stopped caring (I know it makes me sound cruel but im just so tired of this life.) I think about how I am staying up till 4am crying and self harming and then I think "Is it really worth going like this for the rest of my life? ".

I don't feel overly guilty when it comes to leaving behind my family since they're the ones who drove me to this in the first place, but I do fear the impact that my departure will have on my close friends.

damn guys, i wanna say im sorry you don't have the people who tie you to this world, but it would be unfair for me to assume you want that. i'm curious, if you did have those people, would you still want to ctb? i know if i didn't have them i would have ctb years ago

 

[L951788]

For me personally, fuck my family. I was perfectly fine in life until they started using the psychiatric system against me. It is an unbeatable dynamic. There was nothing I could do. I'll feel no guilt. As much as I'm depressed/hopeless I'm also atomically pissed off.

 

[moonangel18]

hello everyone

im just another person who want to ctb, i don't feel this low very often but when i do, it hits hard. i was diagnosed w depression and am currently talking to a therapist and using 20mg of prozac daily, but the fact that im making this post should hint how effective those are lol. i want to go because i really can't live up to the expectations everyone sets for me, im just not cut out for life, im too lazy and unmotivated. the world isnt really that great, i don't have a desire to change or stay in it. in addition, i've done some bad things, and there are traits about me that are bad, so much so that i dont believe i deserve to live because of it. i wish i could give my life to someone who would really want it or use it better. the fact that i want to ctb makes me feel worse because it feels like im throwing away everything everyone in my life gave me. i have friends and family and an SO and im not broke and im going to school and i have a job -- i guess im just so ungrateful even all of that isnt enough to make life appealing for me. well i guess my selfishness is all the more reason to ctb.

i already have SN onhand, and plan to use tums or milk magnesia as an antacid. its too much trouble to try to get antimemetic so ig ill try to go without. i think when im ready, ill take the bus to a hotel somewhere and do it there so i dont risk my family finding me. i'll probably do it in the bathroom and put a note on the door for housecleaning so i dont accidentally traumatize them.

the #1 (probably only) thing that is keeping me from doing it is i cant shake the effect that it will have on my friends and family. i know ill be dead so i wont even experience it but thinking about how i would feel if someone close to me suicides; it just gives me chills and i can't go through. how do you effectively ignore this impact or maybe try to soften it? i don't want to be the reason why my mom will have sleepless nights and things like that...

i just wish i wasnt born in the first place man

I feel exactly the same way. Good family, SO, a career and job that can pay but all seems not enough to make me want to live.

 

[140 bpm]

Guilt is a hard feeling to fight. But if you look from another perspective - you can't be guilty for your own life and choices which you make for yourself. not for someone else. even if we talk about closest lovely people.

It's really tough. Our society built on principals of responsibility for your family...friends...etc. Even if you don't have to be responsible for anyone else, except yourself... And your kids. that's really a decision which you make (not every time, but even if "that just happened" - now you're in charge).

It took long time for me to stop feeling guilty. but still... I couldn't get rid of that on 100%. So I just disappeared. Moved away, changed phone, wiped social media. said nothing to anyone.
So when I'll ctb, nobody will be really hurt much. I'm gone a while ago anyway.

 

[AbandonedGirl]

i agree with all of you guys, it's really painful thinking about the people who love you when you just wanna check out. on some days though, the pain of existing is just worse, and i guess on one of those days ill be ready to go




damn guys, i wanna say im sorry you don't have the people who tie you to this world, but it would be unfair for me to assume you want that. i'm curious, if you did have those people, would you still want to ctb? i know if i didn't have them i would have ctb years ago

Most likely not. I lost the only person because of whom I postponed my ctb.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Wow amazing answers here. Just want to thank everyone for their thoughts!

 

[Kristicide]

I've heard the same bs about how selfish it is and blah blah blah. My reasons for wanting to ctb have nothing to do with anyone else. So if they wanna call it selfish fine. It's my fucking life. My existence isn't necessary for my friends and family's existence. I think they are selfish for wanting me to live for their sake. I'm not gonna leave a note cause it's my business and I don't owe anyone an explanation.

 

[Arrow]

Maybe I'm kind of a shitty guy but I feel pretty much no guilt at all. If I don't see life as worth continuing then I won't continue. It's my life, so if me leaving hurts somebody that's not really my problem. The only people that know I exist are my family so I know who my death's gonna hurt, but once I'm dead it will be like none of that shit happened anyways, so I can't really feel bad about it.

I've heard the same bs about how selfish it is and blah blah blah. My reasons for wanting to ctb have nothing to do with anyone else. So if they wanna call it selfish fine. It's my fucking life. My existence isn't necessary for my friends and family's existence. I think they are selfish for wanting me to live for their sake. I'm not gonna leave a note cause it's my business and I don't owe anyone an explanation.

Yeah I agree like 99%. Only, I like the idea of leaving a note, just because of how dramatic it seems. Yeah, it's not really any of their business, but I always thought it'd be cool to leave a note that they'd read from me when I'm dead. I've written a few rough drafts. One was a few pages and it was a good read. Maybe my perspective on this is a bit twisted but I wanna leave a note for dramatic effect.