I have severe anxiety and depression. I guess I have tried to feel emotions for sometime but I wish I could love someone or closer to at least how much I love my family. But, I have realized I can't love someone else, i can smile and laugh with them but deep down i have no attachment. somedays i feel so alone and i miss being with someone that I could touch and hug, cuddle with a girl all night but i have no one. I have tried ctb few times before but no luck. I sometimes, travel all alone with tickets to destinations i dont know, or to train stops I don't know, just to get away this feeling. I have visited few escorts before just to receive love, and they have been a gem, not sure if they have felt the same but when i explained my numb feelings they just hugged me thoroughly and kissed me. There was a time i was a regular seeing this girl, and i got her flowers and chocolates and a small cake as it was birthday, and said that i have no one i could celebrate here with and she is the only person i knew well enough. She almost cried and I didn't feel that too. I would happily die if that means I will no longer have to put on a mask and get on with life.