Hello
@Tixij,
I'm so sorry for your situation, but welcome!
every day i get the feeling of being smacked in the face with just how utterly useless and worthless and pathetic my life is. and it is terrible. and it is overwhelming. it takes over everything and i just have panic attacks and cry.
You might feel like being beaten up every seconds. I've suffered from a feeling of worthlessness for three decades - I'm 36 now and I was bullied at 6, when I first realized nobody is my side.
I haven't been able to redeem my self-esteem, because I haven't been able to work normally and still live with my parents. It has contributed to my suicidal thoughts and I attempted CTB several times because of it.
does anyone get to a point where they make it feel better?
Luckily I feel better than I did in 2014, when I tried to hang myself, but unfortunately, it took 10 years to recover, and I'm still suicidal. I've spent the last decade in torment, though I don't call it a torture.
i try to push it away but it always forces its way to the front of my brain.
It has made feel like there's no point in my life, because if I were totally useless, I could never improve my situation.
In the past I felt like I should plan and practice CTB, instead of trying to solve my problems.
just the violent and vivid gnawing thoughts and memories of what my life is like and how everyone around me views me and knowing that i will never be better or feel better.
I might be able to relate to this feeling - I feel like I did my best, but that's exactly why I feel so helpless.
"Sometimes doing your best is not good enough. Sometimes you must do what is required."
- Winston S. Churchill
In this dog-eat-dog world, if you fail, you're likely to be blamed for not trying hard enough, even if you actually did your best. That has been the case for me - I've been blamed and shamed for everything at work.
even when i try to distract myself and do things that make me feel happier it manages to find its way to the forefront of my thoughts and ruins everything. its just a temporary distraction, i know that, but has anyone found ways that push it away for a longer period than just a few hours or until the next day? is this something im doomed to indefinitely face day in and day out?
Distracting myself was extremely hard, too, but I developed my weird coping methods, and it has helped so far. I often post my poems here and enjoy reactions and kind replies from people, as I'm a natural-born attention seeker. And I have "imaginary friends" - this sounds childish I guess but I don't want to let them go (or more brutal way to describe it would be "I don't want to murder them.")
They love me, and I don't know how delusional I am - they're imaginary after all, but I think being delusional is okay as long as it doesn't harm others. In other words, I believe I'm really hopeless to the point where only imaginary friends can help me to stay alive.
Sorry if my reply is useless - I might be a uselessness incarnate. But at least I can say you're not alone... and your suffering is very real.
I hope you'll find support you need here, and your days will be a bit less unbearable
